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Thread: Stuck & Helpless

  1. #1
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    Stuck & Helpless

    Iím in a lesbian relationship, I am 20 and my girlfriend or whatever she is at this point, is 24. Weíve been dating for 1 year and 8 months now, although there is bit of a gap in age the reality of it all is far different. She has a child-like mentality for her age and Iím more of the mature one. We met when I was 18 at a fast food restaurant I was applying to, she was already a current employee when I got hired in September, we got together in October, I know very fast. She told me she had been single for a year prior to us getting together and I told her I had been single for a few months but in reality she was dating another co-worker of ours and I was still in my previous relationship while we were talking but when we started officially dating I cut it off and so did she. (I didnít know this till down the line I was new at the job so I didnít know) okay so boom everything was good in the beginning as it usually was we were really hitting it off , she cheated twice,!1!with the co-worker I mention before and then I saw numerous random numbers in her phone talking to girls and guys saying she loved them and this and that, forgave her. not even 6 months in I was faced with a situation at home where we were treated on getting evicted, i told my partner about it and she advised that I ask her aunt to move in with them, which I did and she agreed. I moved in with her and her family and things were still kind of good. ( My mom that I was living with ended up not having to be evicted but I still remained in her aunt house because of her) Couple of months passing the environment became uncomfortable and really hostile for me I kept getting into altercations with her aunt and family and I expressed to my partner many times that I wanted to leave and move back in with my mom, she kept ensuring me that everything was going to be okay and that she wanted me to stay so I did. She cheats on me again a couple days before her birthday knowing I spent my entire check to give her the gift she wanted but I still forgive her and I attend her party. Throughout the relationship I have made countless number of sacrifices for her that I have never done for anyone else. Eventually I decided it was no longer healthy for me to stay there and she didnít want to stay there either so we moved into my moms house (this is like a year into the relationship) things were cool when we first moved in but we had both lost out jobs and I started busting my ass to make sure we were good and find another job. We continued to work at the same jobs and she got us terminated from every single one. We did everything together, there wasnít a me without her and it was cute At first but then it became annoying and aggravating. I got tired of her in my space 24/7 I could not breathe. Everytime I brung up the issue she took it as an offense like ď ok I wonít wear your stuff anymore or you donít have to do that for me anymore thenĒ and this became a repeating cycle I was always the one that took care of EVERYTHING bills, food, clothes , jobs , anything you can name of I did it. I felt like a salve I started to feel like I was a mother instead of a girlfriend, I feel like I was being used and taking advantage of by the things I did for her, for all the opportunities I introduced her to and I began to lose myself because she was so emotional she would assume over every little thing accuse me of every little thing, but when the roles were revered those same things did not apply when it came to her. I got tired of always sitting down and talking it out to now where Iím at the point where I donít want to be in this relationship anymore itís draining itís tiring and Iím losing focus of what I need to stay on top of. And yes I have explained this to her sooooooo many times so many talks we have sit down and had and screamed and yelled over but I fell itís just not sinking in. I think itís best if we just go our separate ways and forcing her or have to figure out life the hard way I feel is whatís going to make it click into her head. Iím at the point where I donít even care if sheís cheating I donít care who sheís talking to I donít even want anything to do with her anymore , I told her maybe itís best if she moves out, and her response is ď you donít love me anymore , you just want someone else , what have I done to you I donít do nothing to you but love you but I see you donít fell the same you just want to abandon me like everyone elseĒ Iíve heard these lines a MILLION times. Nowadays I barely speak to her and being that we are still in each otherís space all the time it is very difficult to ignore a childish, manipulative, emotional being like that. I just want to focus on myself I donít even want to look for any other relationship! All of this is far too much for me and itís just impossible to keep her away. Her parents live in another state but she doesnít want to live with them and she doesnít have anyone she can stay with down here. Iím just stuck I donít know what to do. Iíve tried everything and it just keeps leading me back to NOWHERE . If you need more info just let me know itís way more to this, itís so complicated and i tried to summarize it the best way I can

  2. #2
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    Please go back and edit your post if you can. That giant wall of text is nearly impossible to read.

    I don't understand your living situation. If you're still living with her aunt, if there is no contract/rent/lease, move out...just plan a day, collect a couple family members to assist or movers as required, and move. You can hopefully do this during a time that no one is around, but having family/friends around to buffer the situation and help is very important here.

    If you and she share an apartment/flat and share a lease, I have no idea how to extract yourself from this. You can move out and continue to pay your half, which would suck, but unless you can break the lease, you're stuck. If the lease is in your name, you can ask her to move out. Will she go? When the lease expires, keep it expired. Is it in her name? Move out. Here, I don't know legalities, but she'll be expecting your half of the rent in your informal contract, so figure out your exit and responsibilities there.

    You've reached an end point. I don't understand how she could manage to get BOTH of you fired from every job. She sounds positively toxic, and she seems like she's come to a point that she relies on you and other people to fix her life...somewhere she lost her way. Maybe she has never really had to do anything for herself.

    You walked straight into a minefield with the cheating, and...oops. We always think they won't repeat it with *us*, but the chance they will is very, very high. So that was a bad start. What's worse is you forgave and continued to forgive after repeated indiscretions, and then it gets worse, exhibiting the inability to behave with any level of responsibility in multiple areas of her life...and she's been dragging you down like an anchor.

    It's taken you a lot to get to this place, and the only thing you can do is stick to your guns and tell her you are broken up and she needs to move out. If you are living with Aunt and mom is okay with you going home with her, pack up your things and exit. Make other living arrangements if needed. Have a plan. Don't be rash; plan well. It will be painful. You have to remove yourself...you don't ask permission, you don't warn, you just leave.

  3. #3
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    How do I edit the post?? Iím new to this

    The current living situation is me and her are living with my mom and my stepdad, we share a room and sleep in the same bed. We do not pay rent at the moment, our names are on the lease but my step father pays the rent and is basically helping us out by not making us pay rent. Iíve talked to my mom about having her to move out and she said it was a good idea because she too sees what I go through from a day to day basis, we are constantly arguing and getting into fights numerous times a week. When my mom talked to her about the moving situation privately she started crying and said how sheís a good person and she just trying to better her life and how she doesnít want to move and that she needs to be here because she doesnít have anywhere else to go. My mom concluded that I should take it easy with her and just bare with the situation for now being that she didnít want to move back with her parents and she didnít want to just throw her on the streets.

    She was adopted as a newborn and her adopted parents spoiled her all her life, everything was done for her and she has told me this, she isnít used to being independent she isnít used to having to do things on her own. She didnít even know how to do her own laundry, l have to force her to do things on her own because Iím trying to grow her out of that habit of relying on people but she takes it as ďme not loving her or me not wanting to do anything for her or me being meanĒ

    I know I shouldnít have keep forgiving her after sheís cheated on me again and again but my emotions get the best of me and I believe her when she says she going to change and she says she trying to better herself and that Iím not giving her time to be a better person and that itís not going to happen overnight I try to be patient and try not to be like ďeverybodyĒ else that has walked out of her life, I wanted to give her a chance to prove herself but it doesnít seem like that is going to happen.

    Time and time again I tell her we are not together and no Iím not your girlfriend and that you need to move back in with her parents and she tells me that Iím just saying that because I want to be with someone else and that thereís someone else isnít he picture and Iím always pushing her away and that I never want to sit down and just talk things out with her ď, she says that if she moves back with her parents that sheíll be back to doing nothing and she will be back to that spoiled life that she doesnít want to go back to. Sheís so convincing with her words but her actions say otherwise.

    Iíve already warned her but I donít think she took it seriously. Iíve said in the past that one day Iím just going to leave in the middle of nowhere and your not going to know why, but I canít just leave her here with my mom.. the only reason sheís here in the first place was becasue of me so if Iím gone I know my mom wouldnít want to keep her there still. I know my emotions get the best of me too much I WANT to leave, I know this is toxic, and I know that I canít get anywhere in life if this keeps going on but a part of me wants to believe that one day she may change and things can eally be different and another part of me just wants to never have anything to do with her again. These are the things that just confuses me, I keep telling myself I should keep trying to work and that it just takes time and nobody is perfect, donít just leave her hanging.. and another part of me is just saying donít believe anything she says anymore, keep to yourself, plan your exit and just go..

    Question: what do I say to her until I leave??? Sheís always in my ear bugging me because I ignore her all the time. If I smile and Iím on the phone itís whats funny?? You texting your new boo?? Or if I have headphones in sheíll come and take them out and say donít ignore me or Iím just to myself away from her sheíll come over and just randomly hug me and when I say donít touch me itís ď why canít I touch you , I cannot touch you no more??Ē And then will constantly tap me until I say something l, she doesnít like being ignored.. and then when I yell or push her away from me itís ď why are you hiring me , I Just wanted to talk to you and you want to be mean to be I didnít do anything wrongĒ HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH A PERSON LIKE THAT????

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your parents shouldn't be running a homeless shelter.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You shouldn't be staying there for longer than a month (two to three months max). You might want to spend more of your time worrying over a rental deposit and saving up enough for that and the first month of rent in a new place rather than thinking about how to deflect erroneous or stupid comments from your ex-girlfriend as she leaches off your parents' goodwill. That strength and resolve has to come from you. Have a plan in place and start making plans. Your thoughts are scattered badly and you're not focusing on the right things. You might want to spend your time looking at apartments in an area you want to move out to. This keeps you out of the house and distancing yourself from your negative ex.

    Spend time at the library, at a coffeeshop, turn off all text message and call notifications from her (you do not have to block her yet because you share a roof right now but you can mute the conversations completely). Read it once every day or two days when you're on the toilet or at your convenience and do not respond. The reason why you're scattered is because you're allowing too much of the wrong stimuli to crowd your brain. Limit that and start thinking more clearly. It's not your concern what she says or does anymore and if your parents want to make their bed having her around, they'll have to sleep in it and deal with her on their own. Do not agree to be a go-between anymore and let your parents know tactfully the relationship is over and you are busy getting your life back on track and you will not take your ex with you. They may think that you both will reconcile and you'll take your ex with you to a new place. Be clear about these things and move on.

  7. #6
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    Thank you so much to everyone that has responded I really appreciate you taking the time to hear my problems and helping me to find a solution!!

  8. #7
    Gold Member Nebraskagirl14's Avatar
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    It looks like you received great responses here. As you love yourself more, you will only take so much in your relationships.


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