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Thread: Trying to read her and what she wants

  1. #1
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    Trying to read her and what she wants

    I've been casually seeing someone since last October. We met online and hit it off from the first date. We share some things in common, such as love for film, and spend many evening watching movies for her class and I help her on her assignments which I enjoy considering I've not been in a serious relationship in a while. The things is, is that it's pushing late June and we've never really had "the talk." There was about a month's span where we didn't hang out at all but maybe would text once a week or so if at all, but now we're hanging out and talking regularly again.

    We go out sometimes and it's really cute. She holds my hand and tells me that I'm not holding her hand properly and other cute silly things. She also likes when I bring my computer to her place so we can sit on the couch together while working on our separate gigs. We even go to coffee shops together to do things as well. We're very comfortable being around each other for the most part and there has never really been any issue there. We sometimes call each other when we're stressed and send "I miss you texts." We also talk about traveling together.

    Sure there are times (i.e. pillow talk) when we talk about being together and enjoying having each other nearby, but we've never defined the relationship. She talks a lot about how other guys are always asking her out and that she ultimately winds up disappointed when she takes up their offers and spends and evening out with them. She also likes to share stories with me about weird people always trying to hit on her at cafes, bars, etc. I'm not sure if she's doing that to maybe make me feel jealous, or if she's simply filling me in on what she's doing because she likes to tell me everything that's going on in her life. I'm not a jealous person in all honesty so I'm not bothered by hearing about other people hitting on her. I just find it strange that she brings it up.

    I can definitely tell that she is battling loneliness, being single and living by herself while being very consumed in her work. I can also tell that she likes me too since we've been seeing each other for quite sometime now. I guess I just don't know which of the two options is more relatable to her. Have I waited too long at this point to bring up us as a couple? Is she just used to having a friend with benefits at this point? Is she still waiting for me to have the talk? Or does she see us as together and maybe we don't need the talk? I've had issues with dating in the past, and so has she, so maybe we're both nervous of commitment but don't want to risk ruining what we already have.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Have 'the talk' with her then. Ask her if she just wants to be friends or more? Tell her you're confused because she acts like a friend yet holds your hand as if you're a boyfriend-girlfriend. Stop playing guessing games. Get some clear cut answers so you know where this friendship and / or relationship is going. This way, you'll know whether she wants to be only strictly friends with you and nothing more or if she feels that she can have a girlfriend-boyfriend relationship with you. Let there be no misunderstandings whatsoever.

    If she waffles and unsure of herself, then I'd stop the hand holding, mixed signals and back off politely and graciously. If she has no intentions of being your girlfriend, then she wants a friend, someone for support, someone she can text / email / chat / see anytime and you'll have to accept this is all there is out of her. Be realistic.

    Then the next question is: Do you want to remain just friends and are you ok with this arrangement? If yes, then maintain your friendship as is and don't anticipate nor have any expectations of anything further.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure what you have in the first place. Ask her out to dinner as a date. Normally young, unformed girls (young ladies) who are restricted in their dating lives or unable to commit completely or offer much in a relationship would keep spending time with a man like this. It's a waste of time, to be very honest with you, and I'd be wary with young women who offer to spend their time this way. Don't be afraid and ask her out if what you're really looking for is a romantic relationship.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    It's not about trying to read what she wants, it's about talking with her about what you want. Communicate. She can't read your mind any more than you can read hers. One of you has to open mouth and speak up.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Trying to read her and what she wants

    I suspect she is happy with things as they are or she would have said something long ago. That said, there is nothing stopping you from having a conversation with her about it given how long you guys have been seeing each other.

    Edited to say: I doubt she is trying to make you jealous, probably just letting you know that she considers herself single until otherwise discussed.

  7. #6
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I would have the "talk" before and if you choose to become intimate. Other than that, it looks as if you're simply in the friends zone.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by HeartGoesOn
    I would have the "talk" before and if you choose to become intimate. Other than that, it looks as if you're simply in the friends zone.
    We've been intimate the entire time we've been seeing each other :/

  9. #8
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    Oops, sorry I apparently misunderstood your question.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What I still can't get a read on here is what you want.

    As you put it in your last sentence, these are the kind of dynamics people tend to get in when they don't know what they want and passively hope that someone will show them. So, before you have a talk with her I'd have one with yourself.

    Do you like things as they are? Do you want them to change?

    Really think about that stuff for a minute. It's okay to want vague, undefined, casual—more okay, really, than thinking you "should" want something different because you've been doing x for y time. Of course, if you've been doing x for y time hoping it would equal z—well, that's where talking comes into play.

    Z is the story you write together, and, powerful as bodies are, words are needed to write that story and to see if the other person is interested in writing it with you.

  11. #10
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    If she talks about guys asking her out - she either doesn't want anything more from you OR she does and she is trying to get your reaction - see if you say anything if she says another guy asks you out.
    Figure out what you want and say it. It doesn't have to be a serious talk it can start as simple as "you know, the only girl/woman i see is you." A;lso, don't be passive. If you didn't see her for a month, were you waiting for her to want to hang out? You need to initiate more sometimes

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