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Thread: Please help. Can we be together? When do I give up?

  1. #21
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    Katrina, thanks again for your reply. I know it seems like the most sensible thing to do, and I have seriously considered it.

    However, the kind of work I do is seasonal, and very fulfilling. I know from my posts I don't seem in the best place right now, but that work I do has always been an escape and it helps me help others. I've been doing it some years, and I love it. It's fun, it's fulfilling, and the staff there from managers right down to junior staff have become like a big family for me. I've sacrificed so much over the course of my relationship with my ex, I don't want to lose something else I love, the one thing that might actually help me get back on my feet and loving life. It seems such a shame to give it up because she'll be there.

    There's also the fact that I need a job, and being in school for the considerable future (my career path is a long one), I need the money, and it's the best paying and most enjoyable work there is that means I can balance school alongside it and utilise my skill set. I do agree with you on the cold turkey sentiment, but I've given up and lost what feels like a lot already. If I can get over this whilst seeing her though, which I know I have to do, I can conquer whatever challenge comes next, and there's bound to be one.

    Liam definitely does do a good job of getting your point across. As a proud Brit, that's a great reference to make.

    Thank you again for all your replies. I appreciate it. Hopefully, I'll be able to post a happier update in the near future.

  2. #22
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    My last post (for now anyway) -- maybe you don't want to move on, perhaps you're one of those folks I mentioned earlier, on some level you enjoy hanging on and the misery and inner turmoil it creates.

    At least you know you're capable of "feeling" and having emotions, as when one experiences depression, when you feel literally nothing at all, even misery and turmoil somehow feel comforting.

    If that's what's happening, at least own it. Deal with that. And stop telling yourself and others (us) you want to move on when in reality you actually don't.

    This is what I am sensing uz, because if you truly were wanting to move on, you would be doing whatever it takes to accomplish that.

    Not judging you for it, just asking that you own it, within yourself mostly.

  3. #23
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    It's not surprising that you're coming up with 101 "reasons" why you just HAVE to take that job.

    There's only one reason not to...your emotional health.

    What do you think is more important for you overall?

  4. #24
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    You're both right. From reading what's been said here and elsewhere, I agree that I should move on. But again, you're right that at the minute I don't truly want to. I can't say whether it's down to some deeper level of being addicted to the pain as it were, or due to the fact that it's fairly new, and raw, and I just haven't got to the acceptance stage yet. I can't deny that I haven't, and I think that's been clear throughout.

    In terms of taking the job, I've taken it. Yes, I have my reasons, perhaps I'll regret it. All I know is that having no money, losing the job and those friends (and the new friends and connections I will make too), and the fulfilment I get out of the job will not be valuable and be good for my emotional health. My life is still connected to hers in various ways. I'd be lying if I said leaving the job would make it easier to move on, I think the acceptance will take a while regardless. Maybe in a few more days I'll change my mind.

    Thanks again for both your input. I'm sure you both know I'm not ready to accept and move on yet, although I hope I am soon. I'm sure when that time comes I'll revisit this with a fresh head.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    A little story:

    About seven years ago I was in a version of your shoes. We didn't have all the hot/cold, on/off stuff—just a very lovely 2.5 years that she shocked me in declaring over. I was crushed. I loved her. I so badly wanted to know how we'd end up back together that—wait for it—I wrote an email to my high school girlfriend's mother (I was 32, hadn't talked to this woman, or her daughter, since high school) asking how she and her husband got back together. In my pain I remembered the story of their reconciliation from my adolescence, and I was desperate for some kind of answer, some stranger to tell me why hanging on was the answer. My slightly more analog version of ENA, you could say.

    Her response? She basically told me that life is crazy. That she'd let go—this was when they were young, years before being married—and moved away. Dated another guy, had been engaged. Then her ex came back around a few years later and...well, and the rest is history: the very cool and loving relationship I got a glimpse into in high school, one that clearly left a mark in my conscious.

    I didn't much like that story, of course, because as sweet as it was all I thought was, "Years later?" I was basically hoping for the two day plan—or, better yet, the thirty second one.

    Still, I think it did sink in—along with something in my own spirit that knew that holding on was just standing still, freezing myself in some strange womb of obsession and longing in which I'd just be a shadow of myself. Because when I sent it? I'd already moved away myself, my own foot kicking my own a$$. I was not talking to her, texting with her. One, I respected her profoundly, which is to say I respected that she had her reasons. Two, I respected myself. I knew I needed space, in my bones, even when space was the last thing I wanted in my heart, my head, my loins, all that.

    I can't tell you when I "accepted" that it was over over. I longed for her for a good while, sharply and softly, and I did a lot of things to improve myself—places that breakup shined a light on that needed tending to, yeah, but I also, at least initially, hoped that reconciliation would be the reward for those changes. But at some point? I just stopped thinking about that. My life was fun, being lived. And those changes? They were damn rewarding on their own. Took me deeper into myself and on adventures, actual and emotional, that I could never have imagined.

    Did we get back together? No. Is that story any less sweet than my high school girlfriend's mother's? No. They are both, in ways, about living in reality, taking what comes, not trying too hard to control it all, looking out for yourself and trusting you're the only navigator you need. I've loved since. The heart is startlingly resilient, especially if you give it what it really needs to heal.

    You've got what could be a tough, confusing summer waiting for you with the job situation, one that spits you out come fall in much the shape you're in right now. You also have what could be a wild, fun, strengthening summer before you with the same situation. It really is your choice which path to go down.

  7. #26
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    Thank you for sharing that bluecastle. I think you're absolutely right that not one story is any sweeter than the other. I need to try and shift myself more towards that mindset, and away from the one I'm at now, where seeing that "reward of reconciling" as the only sweet ending. I do like the approach, because I think it validates the fact that a lot of people in a one-sided break up will have that urge to reconcile, especially when it's new, but the steps one takes to promote getting there can work on the self and the letting go of that urge, which as most people have said, is the most important thing.

    I very much like what you've said here...

    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    trusting you're the only navigator you need.
    There was a time when I did feel like that, after sorting myself out and pulling myself out of the ground, I guess the breakup has pushed that sentiment and the importance I did place on it to the background. As you've said about the feeling in your bones, it's there for me too. Others here have pointed out I'm unwilling to truly move on, and in many ways that's true, as you said in terms of the head, the heart and so on. But still, there is that desire somewhere, conflicted by the others.

    I think it's time I start throwing myself into putting the work in for myself, and accept whatever outcome that comes from that as positive. It certainly would be a great deal better than how I have felt, and am feeling now. Time to navigate my own path and whatever bumps in the road come up along the way. Thanks again for sharing, I appreciate all the insight you've given.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Probably I shared that because, the more you write, the stuff in your bone marrow is coming out. But also? It's been five minutes in Breakup Time, so cut yourself a minute of slack. Flailing is part of it.

    Weird realization I had not all that long ago? That the times in my life that have been most profound—which is to say the times I look back on fondly—are both falling in love and being shattered by love. Sharp edges, bright colors, growth happening. Ripe stuff, sweet stuff.

    But with that came a sour thought: that inside the relationships things were a bit static, brightest in the before and after, but not the during. That (a lesson probably learned in heartache) helped shift things for me a bit, helped me see the kind of relationship I wanted to be in—not falling into or out of, but in. If you're doing all the growth alongside the potential of someone, or alongside the void where there was once a person—well, something is off.

    Means, more often than not, that that wasn't the right person.

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