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Please help. Can we be together? When do I give up?


uzbyz9

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Hi all,

 

Have read this forum a few times but first post, please go easy on me as I'm not doing great right now. I did try and post an advice request on reddit, but it wasn't helpful and was downright mean tbh.

 

So, background:

 

Met my now ex around a year ago through work. She had a boyfriend at the time but that was nearly over and it ended around a week after we met. Me and her hit it off straight away. We worked very closely in a job where we'd spend 65+ hours per week together for around 2 months and fell in love. We were both located in different parts of the country in school time due to being at different universities. Originally neither of us wanted long distance but we decided it was worth it to try. Things were great for a while, we'd see each other every weekend, and I fell in love with her hard. I told her I loved her before we were officially together, it hit me like a bus. I knew she was special, and we connected like we'd known each other a life time, it was that kind of situation. Fast forward a couple of months and I unfortunately get hit by a severe bout of depression. It changed who I was. My motivation lacked, I was irritable, and not that great to be around sometimes. I still made effort for her because she was just about the one thing I still felt love for going through that, but it took its toll on our relationship. We ended up having a nasty argument where I said some very regrettable things. It was totally out of character and I regret it and feel guilty about that argument to this day. I was blackout drunk, which I know is no excuse, and still not mentally healthy. That was a real wake up call for me. We ended up breaking up and it slumped me further into depression for a while, but then I really woke up and realised this was not okay. Now, I've had a tough time in the past too, and have always been very closed off, even with those closest to me, as a kind of defence mechanism I guess. I hated talking to anyone about my feelings or what I had going on, and had become so accustomed to putting on a strong face, it was second nature. That habit took a lot to break.

 

I ended up going to see a doctor a number of times and wasn't too helpful, and so decided to arrange some counselling for myself through a charity. That really helped, and alongside that I did a LOT of research into getting out of depression and what I could do to help myself: mindfulness, apps, read books etc. I really took a step back and looked at what it had done to me, and decided enough was enough. I did get to a point where I felt a lot better, and was doing a lot better. All throughout this time, although broken up, I was in frequent contact with my ex. She had seen the change I made from a closed off to an open person, able to discuss things with her that were very private and that for years I would have kept wrapped up, and she saw me coming out of the depression. Around that time she had her own issues. She fell out with her group of friends and was subsequently shunned, bullied, and intimidated by some of the more horrible ones who started to show their true colours. I hated the effect it was having on her, and I love her, so naturally, I was there for her, even when broken up I would drop everything to go and see her to be there for her. She has struggled with anxiety and panic attacks, and the situation made it worse. All the time I would apologise profusely for my previous actions, and took full responsibility for hurting her and not being the boyfriend she deserved.

 

Eventually, we started spending more and more time together, and we were as happy as we were in the early days, before my poor mental health took over and before I behaved like a less than best version of myself. She thanked me for fighting for our relationship and not giving up, and the way she looked at me was just like how it was before. It felt incredible. We were together, and happily. I swear seeing her look at me that way makes my heart grow 10 fold. Everything was going great. We did a trip abroad together, we started talking about the future again, we'd lie in bed and tell each other how much we loved each other for hours (sorry for soppy factor, just trying to paint the picture that this wasn't an all bad relationship), and it was amazing. Our love was growing each day.

 

Since I came out of depression, I have what I call "residual anxiety". It kind of lingers on, keeps me up at night etc. Anyway, I had exams coming up which is a stressful time, and this residual anxiety got worse. It started playing tricks on me, and I would need reassurance from my girlfriend. We weren't able to see each other over this time and I really felt I needed her - I still maintain that she could have found a way to be there for me, but it seems less important now I've potentially lost her for good. The final cherry was me noticing she'd been interacting with her ex on social media (stupid, I know), but as they were together when we met it's always been an insecurity of mine, my anxiety hit the roof, and I didn't handle it well. I wasn't abusive, nor did I accuse her of anything, I just overreacted when I should have let go; how I wish I did. The anxiety over losing her, is what led to my behaviour that caused me to lose her, and it's a horrible self fulfilling prophecy.

 

A few days later, after I sat my exams (one of which I failed because I couldn't concentrate on anything but the breakup), I arranged to go and see her to swap stuff and all of that. She asked me to come a day early as she was on her period and needed a "cuddle" - she's very tactile, loves to be close to me etc, and so I thought, good sign? Of course, I dropped everything, packed a bag of pain relief, heat pads, pamper stuff and chocolate and off I went to see her. I ended up staying a WEEK. The whole time we acted like we were a couple. Anyone seeing how we were would assume we were together. I cooked for her, cleaned, made her drinks, got her food etc because she was ill. In return, I got to be close to her, and she would act like she was my girlfriend still. I thought things were going great, and I asked her at the end of the week what this means for us, she said it's still over. I broke down, there and then, in front of her. It was uncontrollable, I wish I didn't, but tears, the lot. She comforted me and cuddled me through it. She said she'd think about it over the weekend and let me know, she didn't let me know. We stayed in contact but no mention of our relationship. On Friday, she got her dream job. A job that over the week I spent with her (whilst broken up), I greatly helped her prepare for etc. I was happy for her and asked if she wanted to do something to celebrate, and she said she'll let me know if she was free. It was Father's Day and her friend's birthday so that didn't happen, which is a shame.

 

I messaged her and said I assume because she said nothing she wanted it to be over still. We had somewhat of an argument over it but nothing heated or nasty. She then said she's too scared to try again, she doesn't want to be in the cycle of breaking up and getting back together, doesn't think it will work, and doesn't want to try anymore. She also said she doesn't love me as much now, because she would have been willing to try before, but now she's not. My heart is absolutely broken. She was my girlfriend and my BEST friend. I've never been able to be so open and honest with someone, and the connection we share feels so special. It kills me getting the flashback memories of the way she looked at me, and how much she'd say she loved me, I feel like I've messed it up and lost the best thing that's ever happened to me. I really did see myself spending the rest of my days with her, marriage, a family etc. I feel so lost and I don't know what to do. I know we're both still young, but this doesn't feel right, it feels horrible. I've only felt pain like this before with a bereavement, and I'd do absolutely anything to have another chance.

 

I really feel in my heart that I've got more to give, and I don't want to stop fighting for our relationship yet, our love is true. Please don't tell me to just move on - I can't see myself doing that now or anytime soon. If you are going to suggest moving on, please tell me how I can try. I want to know if anyone thinks there's anything I can do to salvage this relationship whilst she still loves me and have the love of my life and the most important girl back in my arms? I know it might be a tricky road, but I'm willing to try. It's worth mentioning no contact is not really an option. Next week we start the very same job where we fell in love again, for 2 months, together. We'll be back at the same places where we got to know each other and fell for each other, and I fear about how it will affect me having now lost that special love.

 

What can I do to get my love back? And how long can I try before I know I have to give up?

 

I'm really thankful for any responses, but again, please do be kind - I'm hurting enough as it is right now. Thank you :)

 

TLDR: broken up with by my girlfriend/bestfriend, what can I do to get another chance, and how long do I keep on trying?

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She gave you two chances. Both times you allowed your emotional instability to sabotage the relationship.

 

If you learned so much in therapy, why weren't you able to apply what you learned during the second go round?

 

Anyway, the way you move on is to choose to. Relationships are voluntary and currently she has decided not to volunteer for a third round. You accept she's an intelligent human capable of making her own decisions and accept that how she feels is not "wrong" even if you feel differently.

 

Then work on getting a really good handle on your depression and anxiety. People don't exist to fix our emotional issues; we have to learn how to deal with them ourselves. We have to self soothe and not rely on someone who loves us.

 

Give her the opportunity to miss you. Maybe if you give her space she will want to reconnect. Or maybe not. But live your life as though she isn't coming back. You may end up surprised at what the universe decides to send your way.

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Thanks for the response, I appreciate it. You're right, I did let it get the better of me twice. I guess I wrongly expected her to be a little more willing to let the second time around go, as it's something she's experienced herself and something I have supported her through, as well as the fact that although I didn't handle it the best, it was miles apart from how I would have handled it months ago.

 

I agree that no-one exists to fix our issues, this is something I have and am working on myself, it is nice however, to have that support network. It's hard to give space when she doesn't seem to want it, keeps reaching out, acts like we're together when we are physically together etc. And then there's the issue of us working closely together over the next 2 months. How do you suggest I go about that?

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I don't want to burst your bubble, but I can't help but feel that, somewhere in here, there is a gap between who she actually is and who you want to get back together with.

 

When she was down you were happy to be her nurse, but when you were down she wasn't there as you needed. Sure, from what you've written I'd say that getting your mental health sturdier is the critical lesson of this experience, and really the only thing you should be putting energy into fixing right now, because the skill of self-reassurance is an important one to have. Like the most important—for the stress of school, of work, of love, of life. Without our own inner anchor we look to others to anchor us—and that, generally, is a time bomb waiting to go off, as you've learned. Twice.

 

But it doesn't really sound like she was there for you the way you were there for her. Sounds like she was chatting with her ex on social media. Then she wants you as a cuddle nurse again after ending things? Not the cutest look. My mental health is pretty dang in check, but that would throw me around a bit.

 

I don't mean all that to tear her apart. Hardly. I'm sure she's fantastic, and that you guys shared something special. Sucks when a void replaces all that, big time. Hugs. But I'm not sure she's got the juice you really want—and it might be worth allowing yourself to explore that a bit. Just as you have shown her that your mental wiring can get frayed fast, she has shown you that her approach to conflict is to kind implode, get distant, then ask for cuddles when the smoke clears a bit. Special moments alone do not a sustainable relationship make.

 

If I were to get super shrinky here I'd pose the question of how much being in a relationship with her affected your mental health as opposed to how much your mental health affected your relationship with her. From these seats, it doesn't seem so cut and dry.

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I agree that no-one exists to fix our issues, this is something I have and am working on myself, it is nice however, to have that support network. It's hard to give space when she doesn't seem to want it, keeps reaching out, acts like we're together when we are physically together etc. And then there's the issue of us working closely together over the next 2 months. How do you suggest I go about that?

You seem like a nice guy and she uses you for company and comfort, all the while she doesn't want the same relationship you do. I personally think it's rather selfish on her part because it gives you a mixed message and false hope.

 

Next time she reaches out and wants to cuddle, tell her you are not able to continue on and essentially be demoted to her friend. You need space and distance to get your balance back.

 

About working together? sheees, that's tough one, especially considering the timing. This will require you to have some great resolve. Can you do it?

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Thank you for replying, really appreciated. I can't help but agree with you on the gap point. There have been times where she has given me so much love, and a lot of good, as I have her, and that's what I'm holding on to. The problem is I can still rationalise that at this point because I've seen it go and come back before. It's like 2 sides to the same girl. She's still a great person, but one of those sides means the end of the relationship. It's hard to let go after being in a cycle of break up/make up.

 

There was a time when she would have been there for me how I have been for her, but cycling through loving me completely and loving me with reservation and holding back means this time it didn't happen, as my time of need didn't line up with her complete love phase. I have already considered these things, quite extensively. But I always end up back with wanting her back, and putting it down to nobody's perfect, put she's pretty damn close. That coupled with the way we always end up back together makes this situation hard.

 

The question you pose is an interesting one. Again, something I've considered. It's hard to answer from my pov, maybe with time I will have the answer. I can see it from both sides, it's a chicken and egg scenario I guess.

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Thank you for your reply and advice. I agree that on her part it is selfish. I brought this up to her after I spent a week nursing her, spending money on her, and pretty much doing whatever the hell she wanted me to, she cried and seemed appalled that I'd accuse her of such a thing. That confused me more. I hate to look back and feel like a doormat, it's shameful, but I couldn't predict what was coming based on her actions, and it would be justified if she were my girlfriend, which with her, acting how she did, didn't seem a million miles away.

 

I'd like to think I'm a decent guy. I've got my flaws but who hasn't. I fear with space and distance she will move on, natural though right? It's hard to let go, and the thought of her moving on doesn't sit well obviously. I also have a tendency to take a mile when given an inch, but I'm not entirely at fault. She will give me breadcrumbs and lead me on, which only further spurs me to want to make it work and give her my time and effort. I know I shouldn't unless she's for real, but we've always gotten back together before and I don't want to miss my chance on the off chance she is genuinely wanting that again.

 

In terms of working, I don't know if I can do it, specifically how I can do it. Being in those places where we met, our anniversary we will be together, spending it in the place we got together etc. But I need the money, I'm a student. And I love this job. It was my job first, I've been involved in the cause for years, and I was so looking forward to the summer after the rough year I've had, and to spend it with her in the same places we met. It sucks. But, I've lost my girlfriend, my best friend, failed an exam, am I really going to give up the job I look forward to every year and love too? It's a tough call. I've got about 2 days to decide.

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Focus on your health and particularly mental health and well being. Get a complete check up from a physician to rule out and/or address any physical/neurochemical issues that may be treatable with appropriate medication. Ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing supportive care. Seek out local support groups for anxiety etc. This is not the time to be in an unhealthy on/off conflicted relationship. This is the time to reflect and find peace in your life before you pull someone else into it.

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Thanks for all the replies. To those suggesting I access help to improve the quality of my mental health, I am doing that and have been for some time. I was originally someone who would brush it off but now have learnt the importance of getting help for those issues. I'm doing much better currently. Apart from the breakup, naturally. The thought of spending so much time with her for the next couple of months is very hard, knowing that she may never come back. Of course I don't want to force her to, but I hold the hope that she'd want to. I know that I'm young, but I truly have never come across a person like her before, the connection that exists/ed is really quite unique, and I'm really regretting how things have panned out. If only I could turn back time.

 

As an update, we've spoken pretty much all day today, about life in general, work coming up etc. It was quite high quality, but I did mess up a little and try and instigate a meeting which made her shut down a little. Then she got a little angry with me about a situation that unfolded post break up, and tried to create some drama. I apologised for my part in making her feel upset, (I always take responsibility but in this case I didn't actually do anything wrong) and diffused the drama with a bit of humour and a level head. Again, her wanting to keep in contact seems strange to me, seeming really open and then suddenly closed off, she often blows hot and cold, and then bringing up old drama which really didn't need to be discussed? Why would a dumper act in this way? I want her back and love her so much, that at this stage it was hard for me to try and end that argument because at least it was some kind of contact.

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uzbyz9, I'm new to this thread but have read every post.

 

I don't have much advice as it's all been said already, all I can add is I hope you are taking your mental health very seriously, are under the care of a qualified psychiatrist, also pursuing therapy with someone qualified to help with you such issues.

 

I very much agree with bluecastle re the chicken or the egg analogy.

 

From what you've posted it really does appear that your depression stemmed (stems) from the intensity of your feelings for this woman and your relationship; depression typically doesn't suddenly pop up out of nowhere, something in your life caused it.

 

And as long as you continue to maintain your interaction with this woman, the current state of your mental health is not going to improve.

 

Please trust me on that as I myself have struggled with depression and it's very much affected by my choice of friends, boyfriends and relationships in general.

 

Since understanding this, I choose to surround myself only with people who "add" to my life, enhance my life, who bring joy to my life, who support me and bring good healthy positive energy to my life. I do same for them.

 

Again from what I've read your ex is NOT doing this. She's all over the place emotionally, doesn't know what she wants, appears to be quite unstable; it may not be intentional but nevertheless, it's screwing with your head!!

 

It's severely impacting your mental health, I can tell just from reading your posts, you are completely obsessed with her, wracking your brain in an effort to figure her out and what motivates her, when what you should be doing is focusing on YOU, how all this is affecting you, your mental health and ability to move on.

 

My own brother went through something similar when he was in college. His long term gf broke up with him, leaving him utterly distraught, confused, depressed, even suicidal at times, for MONTHS.

 

He eventually got over it (took years) and he is now left with severe commitment and trust issues, is literally incapable of becoming emotionally close to a woman, develop intimacy and love, and spends his life having frivolous casual sexual interactions that he runs from as soon as the woman starts hinting for more.

 

You are heading in that same direction uz, please seek help!! And force yourself to stop focusing on her. Be strong! Be resilient!

 

You're not weak, so don't choose to be (which is what you are doing now) because it's easier than facing your issues and seeking the proper help to resolve and moving on, which takes strength and courage.

 

Be that guy, not this guy wallowing in what was and not accepting what currently is.

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uzbyz9, I'm new to this thread but have read every post.

 

I don't have much advice as it's all been said already, all I can add is I hope you are taking your mental health very seriously, are under the care of a qualified psychiatrist, also pursuing therapy with someone qualified to help with you such issues.

 

I very much agree with bluecastle re the chicken or the egg analogy.

 

From what you've posted it really does appear that your depression stemmed (stems) from the intensity of your feelings for this woman and your relationship; depression typically doesn't suddenly pop up out of nowhere, something in your life caused it.

 

And as long as you continue to maintain your interaction with this woman, the current state of your mental health is not going to improve.

 

Please trust me on that as I myself have struggled with depression and it's very much affected by my choice of friends, boyfriends and relationships in general.

 

Since understanding this, I choose to surround myself only with people who "add" to my life, enhance my life, who bring joy to my life, who support me and bring good healthy positive energy to my life. I do same for them.

 

Again from what I've read your ex is NOT doing this. She's all over the place emotionally, doesn't know what she wants, appears to be quite unstable; it may not be intentional but nevertheless, it's screwing with your head!!

 

It's severely impacting your mental health, I can tell just from reading your posts, you are completely obsessed with her, wracking your brain in an effort to figure her out and what motivates her, when what you should be doing is focusing on YOU, how all this is affecting you, your mental health and ability to move on.

 

My own brother went through something similar when he was in college. His long term gf broke up with him, leaving him utterly distraught, confused, depressed, even suicidal at times, for MONTHS.

 

He eventually got over it (took years) and he is now left with severe commitment and trust issues, is literally incapable of becoming emotionally close to a woman, develop intimacy and love, and spends his life having frivolous casual sexual interactions that he runs from as soon as the woman starts hinting for more.

 

You are heading in that same direction uz, please seek help!! And force yourself to stop focusing on her. Be strong! Be resilient!

 

You're not weak, so don't choose to be (which is what you are doing now) because it's easier than facing your issues and seeking the proper help to resolve and moving on, which takes strength and courage.

 

Be that guy, not this guy wallowing in what was and not accepting what currently is.

 

Thank you for your reply katrina1980. I'm sorry to hear that your brother experienced that and that it has left him with some lasting scars.

 

Please know that I am taking my mental health seriously, and luckily it has steadily improved. I am still seeking and accessing professional help to further work on this.

 

Re chicken and egg, I suppose it could have been a factor. Things were going well at the time though, and I have experienced depression before. I, too, like your brother, have previously spent years avoiding emotional closeness, intimacy and running away from people when they got too close. I lost a parent at a young age and wasn't able to deal with that in the healthiest way. Losing that support felt like all my support was gone. That's why I fear that I am, as you've quite rightly said, fixated on this relationship. This person was the first I've met that allowed me the space to be open, grow close to, and develop a very deep emotional bond with. When things are great, they're great, and she was supportive when I was at my worse. The fact I've put in so much to this and invested a hell of a lot makes it seem impossible to let go. Yes, I fear not having that with anyone again, but I don't want it either. People have often walked out of my life in difficult situations, and so I learnt to close off to avoid the hurt. I finally open up after years, and the outcome remains the same, only allowing myself to form such a bond means it hurts all that much more. I don't want to be the closed off person I was before the relationship, but I do fear I could easily revert back to that. I think I became too dependent on this relationship.

 

I'm glad that you are enjoying life more now by surrounding yourself with the right people. Thank you for the caring expressed in your post, and your brother's situation really has resonated with a worse version of myself, that took a lot of work and habit breaking to overcome. I hope I will use that same strength in this instance as I move forward. I agree with what you've said, completely. It's just hard to accept. I will with time.

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>>The fact I've put in so much to this and invested a hell of a lot makes it seem impossible to let go.

 

Actually it's not impossible uz, it's just the story you are telling yourself cause it's easier than doing the hard work of extricating yourself from it, and your ex.

 

Try telling yourself a different story! Tell yourself it's not impossible, that you're strong, and resilient and you can and will get over this and move on. And have learned something valuable from it that you can take with you into your next relationship.

 

It's a choice uz. Your choice.

 

I highly doubt you're happy living like this, in this "obsession." I dunno maybe you are! Some people are, even while professing they're not.

 

But then we see them here months, years later, still obsessing about it, in one form or another.

 

Do you want to be that guy uz? The guy hanging on for dear life to something that once was, but no longer is?

 

I've learned the first step is acceptance. I honestly don't think you've accepted your relationship is truly over, you still harbor hopes of one day reconciling, and it's keeping you stuck.

 

Again, you're NOT a weak man uz, so don't choose to be by hanging on to something and someone who has demonstrated to you in so many ways, she does not want what you want, with you or perhaps anyone.

 

I apologize if that sounds harsh, it's just that I can identify with what you're experiencing in so many ways, and it was ONLY after I actually accepted the reality of what currently is, not what once was, but currently is, that I was able to let go and move.

 

I wish you the best of luck of your journey forward uz. Please check back in, I care and am interested in your progress as you heal. xx

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As an update, we've spoken pretty much all day today, about life in general, work coming up etc. It was quite high quality, but I did mess up a little and try and instigate a meeting which made her shut down a little. Then she got a little angry with me about a situation that unfolded post break up, and tried to create some drama. I apologised for my part in making her feel upset, (I always take responsibility but in this case I didn't actually do anything wrong) and diffused the drama with a bit of humour and a level head. Again, her wanting to keep in contact seems strange to me, seeming really open and then suddenly closed off, she often blows hot and cold, and then bringing up old drama which really didn't need to be discussed? Why would a dumper act in this way? I want her back and love her so much, that at this stage it was hard for me to try and end that argument because at least it was some kind of contact.

 

What I see here—and I'm saying this with only your best interests at heart—is the opposite of "high quality."

 

To break that down a bit: the "quality" part is generic small talk, which was not genuine or quality on either end, since what you really wanted was to smooth road toward instigating a meeting, keeping that reconciliation door (as you're viewing it) pried open before it shuts. She then shut down, as people do when they get a whiff of disingenuousness—low quality. She then got upset about something unreasonable—low quality. You nonetheless apologized for something you didn't feel deserved an apology—low quality. You get an illusion of a reward in smoothing things over again through humor—low quality. You end the talk spinning around about her motivations for talking to you in the first place—low quality.

 

Net gains there? All negatives. Muddy waters getting muddier, sludgier.

 

That's not fun to read, I know. But if you can take just one percent of the above and let it alter your story a bit I think you'll find yourself in a healthier place, a truer place, accepting not only of this moment but that this moment is the best, for both of you, since it is what is real. People who function together, regardless of a label, do not communicate like this; communicating in a dysfunctional way does not produce functionality; it simply makes dysfunction the norm, and rewires the head in draining ways that, per Katrina's posts, feel a lot like depression. I really encourage you to think about that a bit.

 

I know you're not going to let go of the idea of letting this go after reading this. But, hard as it is, please know that this is not the road to reconciliation. If you don't let go of this—what was, along with this draining dynamic—then there is no next chapter because this is that chapter. For her, it's not a bad one. She gets a doting ex to ease the breakup; for you, it's a recipe for agony, for finding false comfort in obsession. That's when those muddy waters turn to concrete, and harden around your ankles.

 

I'm not implying that your connection with her is bogus. But, right now, it is not a healthy one. It's not serving you. It's wearing you down, and you know what? People—be they strangers or an ex you still have feelings for—are not attracted to worn down people. They like strong people. So, if you need to think of this in terms of reconciliation, remember that the only chance for that, slim as it may be, will come with you being strong, genuinely. The hot/cold, push/pull, on/off stuff? That is weakness—your weak points attaching to hers and causing fission that feels like connection. But history has shown you that this sort of connection is too fragile to be sustained. To find the new connection points—with her, with anyone—means to find them first within yourself.

 

And they're there, right there, begging for your attention.

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I think what blue and bolt are saying (as well as I) is that the actions you are currently taking that you think (or hope) are pulling her closer, are actually doing the opposite.

 

They're causing her to lose respect for you, seeing you as some sort of puppet (or worse doormat) that she can call on for attention and ego boost whenever she's so inclined.

 

And trust me when a woman loses respect for a man, that's pretty much the kiss of death.

 

Oh she'll continue contacting you, for the attention and ego boost, while pursuing other men to date and have a relationship with, meanwhile you're still pining away hoping beyond all hope, that you will someday reconcile. Which, operating under your current dynamic, I can almost guarantee is not gonna happen.

 

As I said earlier uz, your choice.

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I highly doubt you're happy living like this, in this "obsession." I dunno maybe you are! Some people are, even while professing they're not.

 

 

Honestly, I'm not. I did have concerns and wonder about the relationship whilst we were together, but the ebbs and flows of her actions towards me always kept me there. I'm not naïve enough to think I'm not seeing this through rose-tinted glasses right now, I'm sure I am. I was happy with her a lot of the time, but over the course of our on/off cycle there have been plenty of times when it has been completely the opposite for me.

 

Thank you again for your kind words katrina1980 , they are appreciated. Please don't apologise for sounding harsh, I came here for advice and insight, whether or not that's hard to hear.

 

In terms of not accepting, you're right. I can't lie and say that I have completely accepted it yet in my heart and mind, despite obviously telling her that I have. With the on/off nature that has become a pattern, that acceptance seems all the more hard. Every time we've broken up before, there's been the same signs, the same progression, and we've always found our way back together. But yes, it's keeping me stuck. Any advice on how I can start to accept it more quickly? I worry that I won't for a long while, what with working together the next 2 months and also having a previous relationship where I felt only a fraction of love that I feel for this woman, and even then it took me a good while to accept it and move on.

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Thanks bluecastle again for your response. The analysis of that interaction seems fair and justified.

 

I do want to let go of this and this dynamic. As much as I want to be with her, I know the cycle isn't healthy, and I'd love more than anything for us to be able to find ourselves in a better one. There have been glimpses of that possibility over the past, I guess it's what's fuelling the painful hope that it could happen still.

 

As for your insight on connection points, that's very interestingly put. I can be genuinely strong, and will get there eventually. In terms of my weak points attaching to hers, again, very interesting, something I've never thought about. But it definitely seems true. I hope I'll soon be on the path to strength and uncovering those strong connection points within myself that brought us together in the first place, even if it doesn't lead to reconciling. Thank you again for the response.

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boltnrun and katrina1980, you are both right. I think it's time to bite the bullet, go NC for the rest of this week. It will make it a little easier in knowing that I will see her on Monday I guess. Hard, harder when the urges come. Hopefully it will give me some time to collect myself, do some stuff I had planned but haven't got round to doing because of wallowing, and go into the job with a stronger, more positive frame of mind. What would be ideal is if she wasn't going to be there at all. The job is a great place to meet new people and friends, and I was so looking forward to it as a refresher, her there will dampen that a bit. Another part of me hopes my true self will shine and she'll want to be back in my arms, and so it's a good thing her being there too.

 

Regardless, I think it's time to start focussing on me for the immediate future, and getting to a place where I'm strong for myself, and if that's attractive to others, maybe even her, that's a bonus. Thanks for the replies once again. It's been tough, but very useful to vent and talk here.

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uz, this may sound extreme, but it's something I would do if I found myself in the situation you are -- trying to get over someone while having to still work with them.

 

And that is, find a new job.

 

Of course my skills are quite marketable, so not sure how possible that would be for you, but it's worth considering.

 

I cannot imagine working with my ex, or even just seeing him at the office everyday, while trying to move on.

 

Not gonna happen!

 

uz, one thing I learned is that you have to help yourself. You have to take steps, as difficult as those steps are, to extricate yourself, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

 

I don't think you will be able to do that seeing her everyday, even in passing. It keeps it all alive in your head (and heart).

 

Breaking up is often compared to breaking an addiction and the only way to break an addiction is cold turkey. 100% cold turkey.

 

Will it be the most difficult you've ever done in your life? You betcha!

 

But it's totally worth it in the end cause it frees you -- opens your heart for the "right" woman and right relationship.

 

Unfortunately, while I believe you did share some great times in the beginning -- well, I think Liam Gallagher (Oasis) said it best in these lyrics from one of my favorite songs/ballads.

 

'Cause all of the stars are fading away

Just try not to worry, you'll see them someday

Take what you need, and be on your way

And stop crying your heart out

 

Get up (get up)

Come on (come on)

Why're you scared? (I'm not scared)

You'll never change what's been and gone

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Katrina, thanks again for your reply. I know it seems like the most sensible thing to do, and I have seriously considered it.

 

However, the kind of work I do is seasonal, and very fulfilling. I know from my posts I don't seem in the best place right now, but that work I do has always been an escape and it helps me help others. I've been doing it some years, and I love it. It's fun, it's fulfilling, and the staff there from managers right down to junior staff have become like a big family for me. I've sacrificed so much over the course of my relationship with my ex, I don't want to lose something else I love, the one thing that might actually help me get back on my feet and loving life. It seems such a shame to give it up because she'll be there.

 

There's also the fact that I need a job, and being in school for the considerable future (my career path is a long one), I need the money, and it's the best paying and most enjoyable work there is that means I can balance school alongside it and utilise my skill set. I do agree with you on the cold turkey sentiment, but I've given up and lost what feels like a lot already. If I can get over this whilst seeing her though, which I know I have to do, I can conquer whatever challenge comes next, and there's bound to be one.

 

Liam definitely does do a good job of getting your point across. As a proud Brit, that's a great reference to make.

 

Thank you again for all your replies. I appreciate it. Hopefully, I'll be able to post a happier update in the near future.

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My last post (for now anyway) -- maybe you don't want to move on, perhaps you're one of those folks I mentioned earlier, on some level you enjoy hanging on and the misery and inner turmoil it creates.

 

At least you know you're capable of "feeling" and having emotions, as when one experiences depression, when you feel literally nothing at all, even misery and turmoil somehow feel comforting.

 

If that's what's happening, at least own it. Deal with that. And stop telling yourself and others (us) you want to move on when in reality you actually don't.

 

This is what I am sensing uz, because if you truly were wanting to move on, you would be doing whatever it takes to accomplish that.

 

Not judging you for it, just asking that you own it, within yourself mostly.

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You're both right. From reading what's been said here and elsewhere, I agree that I should move on. But again, you're right that at the minute I don't truly want to. I can't say whether it's down to some deeper level of being addicted to the pain as it were, or due to the fact that it's fairly new, and raw, and I just haven't got to the acceptance stage yet. I can't deny that I haven't, and I think that's been clear throughout.

 

In terms of taking the job, I've taken it. Yes, I have my reasons, perhaps I'll regret it. All I know is that having no money, losing the job and those friends (and the new friends and connections I will make too), and the fulfilment I get out of the job will not be valuable and be good for my emotional health. My life is still connected to hers in various ways. I'd be lying if I said leaving the job would make it easier to move on, I think the acceptance will take a while regardless. Maybe in a few more days I'll change my mind.

 

Thanks again for both your input. I'm sure you both know I'm not ready to accept and move on yet, although I hope I am soon. I'm sure when that time comes I'll revisit this with a fresh head.

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A little story:

 

About seven years ago I was in a version of your shoes. We didn't have all the hot/cold, on/off stuff—just a very lovely 2.5 years that she shocked me in declaring over. I was crushed. I loved her. I so badly wanted to know how we'd end up back together that—wait for it—I wrote an email to my high school girlfriend's mother (I was 32, hadn't talked to this woman, or her daughter, since high school) asking how she and her husband got back together. In my pain I remembered the story of their reconciliation from my adolescence, and I was desperate for some kind of answer, some stranger to tell me why hanging on was the answer. My slightly more analog version of ENA, you could say.

 

Her response? She basically told me that life is crazy. That she'd let go—this was when they were young, years before being married—and moved away. Dated another guy, had been engaged. Then her ex came back around a few years later and...well, and the rest is history: the very cool and loving relationship I got a glimpse into in high school, one that clearly left a mark in my conscious.

 

I didn't much like that story, of course, because as sweet as it was all I thought was, "Years later?" I was basically hoping for the two day plan—or, better yet, the thirty second one.

 

Still, I think it did sink in—along with something in my own spirit that knew that holding on was just standing still, freezing myself in some strange womb of obsession and longing in which I'd just be a shadow of myself. Because when I sent it? I'd already moved away myself, my own foot kicking my own a$$. I was not talking to her, texting with her. One, I respected her profoundly, which is to say I respected that she had her reasons. Two, I respected myself. I knew I needed space, in my bones, even when space was the last thing I wanted in my heart, my head, my loins, all that.

 

I can't tell you when I "accepted" that it was over over. I longed for her for a good while, sharply and softly, and I did a lot of things to improve myself—places that breakup shined a light on that needed tending to, yeah, but I also, at least initially, hoped that reconciliation would be the reward for those changes. But at some point? I just stopped thinking about that. My life was fun, being lived. And those changes? They were damn rewarding on their own. Took me deeper into myself and on adventures, actual and emotional, that I could never have imagined.

 

Did we get back together? No. Is that story any less sweet than my high school girlfriend's mother's? No. They are both, in ways, about living in reality, taking what comes, not trying too hard to control it all, looking out for yourself and trusting you're the only navigator you need. I've loved since. The heart is startlingly resilient, especially if you give it what it really needs to heal.

 

You've got what could be a tough, confusing summer waiting for you with the job situation, one that spits you out come fall in much the shape you're in right now. You also have what could be a wild, fun, strengthening summer before you with the same situation. It really is your choice which path to go down.

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