I can't build up this friendship

I have this lady friend I have known for decades through my job she eventually quit and been friends for 3 years, she's 40 and 2 grown up kids.

I had this MAJOR apiphany last night that rocked my world for the first time in my life, left me shaking for a few hours and even now it still makes so much sense to me. She helped me at a time of need and due to my lonliness and depression I clung onto her and tried building a friendship with her not realising she just wanted to help me, not create this close friendship over the past 3 years I have been trying to build up but I have never been able to get anywhere. Always hearing things like "I am busy", "looking for a small group of close friendships", "more time for people that matter to me". She tells me sometimes I am her only friend that calls her and several months ago before she got a boyfriend she would always be really into talking to me on the phone and tells me to call her anytime I think about her.

I ask to hang out with her more then a few times a year late last year when we met up for a coffee and a walk to the beach, she acts like she's been waiting for me to say this and goes "Yes I really want that", she would invite me to events she goes to yet she never has once. Anyway we started talking a few times a month, tell her call me anytime she wants even if it's a bad day, good day, just to talk, great news, etc. She talks in a low voice saying nobody does this for her and how much of an amazing guy I am but I have been HARD CORE into being her friend and I am someone that sucks at making friends. But when it came to her getting her dream job or getting a boyfriend I find out from people at my work that show nowhere even close the level of interest I have in her life and her happiness. Hell back in Jan she told me on the phone we will be together forever getting through everything, always being there for eachother and a few weeks ago she told me there are a lot of nice guys but she has me up there with her boyfriend, she also doesn't call me unless I want to talk or a few weeks ago when she thought I was ending the friendship and called me asking if everything is ok between us.

Why can I not grow this at all? was my apiphany true in me wanting a close friendship and her just more like a casual one like an aquantance type and I JUST finally realized this now? I can't even see her place due to it being "messy" and she only has time for me once every 3 months to hang out, also told me on the phone on Friday she needs to make better effort in her friendships, but she's been saying that for a while. :/

Maybe it's time I let her know I must be wanting more out of this friendship then she does and it hurts and that maybe we should reconnect later in life or something.

You need to give her more space. She is already asserting some boundaries, while trying to be diplomatic. It seems you like her as more than a friends and may have become too clingy and persistent. Back away from all this. Make more friends and meet more women by getting out more and joining some clubs groups perusing your interests etc. As far as dating, get on some dating apps with a good profile and pics. Start messaging and meeting women for a low-key coffee.

I give her 3 months of space, any more and I would question what a friendship even means since that's such a long time. I tried asking for more like once a month but she always says she will try but too busy and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Used to talk every 2 weeks on the phone from October until Feb, she would always tell me call her anytime I am thinking about her, any time I want even every day when I joked about it. Also she already knows I like her more then friends and that I am happy she has a man in her life and that I would never do anything to her, already had the talk and hung out for a picnic (her man knew about this) and there was no awkwardness between us for those 2 hours. We also text very little, can go 4 months not texting unless I text I am going to call when she's free or she calls me. She also tells me to express my feelings, to not hide them let them be known because what holding back does to the inside of your body and to always be honest with her.

For lack of a better word, she sounds sleazy. I'm sorry to break it to you. There's nothing good that will come out of spending time with a woman who's emotionally unavailable but yet invites confessions of your emotions. This is not a good mix. Move on.

She is like REALLY friendly to everyone and people have told me they think she likes them as she leads them on and gives lots of mixed signals. She used to be a hippy, maybe that's why? although she does not look even close to 1 and she's all about feeling feelings and i've caught her putting makeup on just before me and her met up in Jan for a hike once I text her I was near by and I told her I had a stomach ache and she responded with "You're probably just nervous you're seeing me" with a smile on her face. I know all about her mixed signals, she's even told me she needs to start being less friendly to everyone because they keep thinking she likes them. But me and her go way back and I feel like I have wasted 3 years trying to be close to her when I keep finding out about her life events from people that don't have the history we do.

She uses you as a shoulder to cry on when she needs it and that's all - but you are partly to blame because you tell her to call you anytime - in good and bad. She calls you as a last resort. Honestly, i would not call her again. I would wait to see if she ever calls you again without you prompting it and i would try to make more friends.

Find your own special lady to orbit and spend your time and energy on.

Not every friendship will evolve into besties, in fact, most will not. As adults we learn how to respect the limits of others and cultivate different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs. You sound far too invested in this one.

Make more friends.

Yeah I probably should make more friends. I do sometimes hang out with co workers for UFC and NHL playoffs, also for work related partys and get hammered and always get called the life of the party but I normally decline invites (including from the lady friend I am typing about, declined one today actually). I want like close friendships with people and I want to truely feel connected to them and have amazing time with them, but my depression and feeling like I am not worthy gets in the way of that all the time so I just stay at home instead.

Also yes, I am really invested into her. I wont get into things but we have been through a lot together over the 3 years and we get really close when we hang out. I want more of that, even if it's with other people.

Get involved in some social activity that doesn't involve heavy drinking. Take some local or online courses/classes. Join some groups and clubs that focus on healthy activity.

get hammered and always get called the life of the party.

Get involved in some social activity that doesn't involve heavy drinking. Take some local or online courses/classes. Join some groups and clubs that focus on healthy activity.

I have an account at meetup.com but end up getting anxiety and getting off the website.

I have an account at meetup.com but end up getting anxiety and getting off the website.

If you have such anxiety from simply looking at a website, perhaps professional help is in order?

If you have such anxiety from simply looking at a website, perhaps professional help is in order?

I have, they did not want me back because I could not open up. When I was at the hospital a few years ago for things I wont get into they thought I had to see a psychiatrist RIGHT NOW instead of being on a waiting list, So I did and first meeting was with 3 different people all at the same time.

Decided to try out dating apps, it's actually being going pretty well and I actually got a date for the first time in my life, but she cancelled because she could not sleep and headache plus work. Had 1 last night we text back and fourth for 3 hours and it was great, then she unmatched me.

I have, they did not want me back because I could not open up. When I was at the hospital a few years ago for things I wont get into they thought I had to see a psychiatrist RIGHT NOW instead of being on a waiting list, So I did and first meeting was with 3 different people all at the same time.

 

Decided to try out dating apps, it's actually being going pretty well and I actually got a date for the first time in my life, but she cancelled because she could not sleep and headache plus work. Had 1 last night we text back and fourth for 3 hours and it was great, then she unmatched me.

If you go to a therapist and you refuse to say two words - they aren't going to be able to help you. It shows that you don't really want the help.

You have to want the help

If you go to a therapist and you refuse to say two words - they aren't going to be able to help you. It shows that you don't really want the help.

You have to want the help

I was talking, but I just could not open up about my feelings.

I have, they did not want me back because I could not open up. When I was at the hospital a few years ago for things I wont get into they thought I had to see a psychiatrist RIGHT NOW instead of being on a waiting list, So I did and first meeting was with 3 different people all at the same time.

 

Decided to try out dating apps, it's actually being going pretty well and I actually got a date for the first time in my life, but she cancelled because she could not sleep and headache plus work. Had 1 last night we text back and fourth for 3 hours and it was great, then she unmatched me.

Why are you not able to open up? What is keeping you from being honest?

Why are you not able to open up? What is keeping you from being honest?

It's just not me, being open. I just don't feel right, it feels stupid and I feel too awkward and quite frankly deep down I feel good being miserable and it's really addictive. It feels toxic like I am being poisoned but it feels good to know I am **** and my mind breaks into a million pieces of all sorts of feelings. I'm not a good person, I do good things for people for unselfish reasons all the time so they are happy but I am never going to be happy. There is a HUGE war that goes on inside my head that makes me feel like I am going nuclear and it leads me going to places in my mind I rather not talk about here.

It's just not me, being open. I just don't feel right, it feels stupid and I feel too awkward and quite frankly deep down I feel good being miserable and it's really addictive. It feels toxic like I am being poisoned but it feels good to know I am **** and my mind breaks into a million pieces of all sorts of feelings. I'm not a good person, I do good things for people for unselfish reasons all the time so they are happy but I am never going to be happy. There is a HUGE war that goes on inside my head that makes me feel like I am going nuclear and it leads me going to places in my mind I rather not talk about here.

So if you went to a foot doctor, you would not tell them your arch was killing you? You would just sit there and waste their time and ask them to guess what was bothering you?

Ok, then be miserable. And don't involve others if you are not willing to get help. Don't try to date anyone. I think your misery is a bit attention seeking because if you were really happy being miserable, you would not have posted.

Ok, then be miserable. And don't involve others if you are not willing to get help. Don't try to date anyone. I think your misery is a bit attention seeking because if you were really happy being miserable, you would not have posted.

Come on ABB, tell us how you really feel!

So if you went to a foot doctor, you would not tell them your arch was killing you? You would just sit there and waste their time and ask them to guess what was bothering you?

 

Ok, then be miserable. And don't involve others if you are not willing to get help. Don't try to date anyone. I think your misery is a bit attention seeking because if you were really happy being miserable, you would not have posted.

That's nice dear.

Come on ABB, tell us how you really feel!

Welp, if being miserable makes you feel good.....and you refuse you leave your comfort zone...

Morrissey has made a career out of going on interviews to tell people how miserable he is.......

You admitted you have more than friendly feelings toward her. I'm sure she knows this and as a result has backed down on the "friendship" because she fears you will take it as her also having feelings for you.

I had to distance myself from a male friend because he made it obvious he wanted to date me. I didn't feel the same and it seemed mean to hang around when I knew he had feelings.

You admitted you have more than friendly feelings toward her. I'm sure she knows this and as a result has backed down on the "friendship" because she fears you will take it as her also having feelings for you.

 

I had to distance myself from a male friend because he made it obvious he wanted to date me. I didn't feel the same and it seemed mean to hang around when I knew he had feelings.

She knows but still wants to hang out but only if I ask, talk on the phone but only if I want to talk, text me but only if I want to text her, etc which I hate because that shows things are mega 1 sided and we only do things if I want, not because she wants. She's the most confusing person I have ever met in my life. We used to be super tight a few years ago, then it faded and then super tight again between November of last year until Feb of this year and she's told me things like we will always be together getting over everything together and stuff, then she got a boyfriend. I already tried ending things, she didn't want me to end thinks and that we should just experience and notice what we are going through, it was an extremly weird phone call.

She knows but still wants to hang out but only if I ask, talk on the phone but only if I want to talk, text me but only if I want to text her, etc which I hate because that shows things are mega 1 sided and we only do things if I want, not because she wants. She's the most confusing person I have ever met in my life. We used to be super tight a few years ago, then it faded and then super tight again between November of last year until Feb of this year and she's told me things like we will always be together getting over everything together and stuff, then she got a boyfriend. I already tried ending things, she didn't want me to end thinks and that we should just experience and notice what we are going through, it was an extremly weird phone call.

She is not interested in you. You pass the time for her when she has nothing else going. You are a project to tinker with now and then. And don't "end things" - just stop calling. No dramatic announcements - just fade away by not calling or texting her again.

She is not interested in you. You pass the time for her when she has nothing else going. You are a project to tinker with now and then. And don't "end things" - just stop calling. No dramatic announcements - just fade away by not calling or texting her again.

Already know this as she has a man and she's like this with all her friends, not just me. She does not like friends although her best friend she rarely sees will get all day with her any time she's in town or she goes and visits her and I get an hour or 2 every 3 months lol. She also hates men she tells me sometimes and is all about women only things.