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Thread: I can't build up this friendship

  1. #1
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    I can't build up this friendship

    I have this lady friend I have known for decades through my job she eventually quit and been friends for 3 years, she's 40 and 2 grown up kids.

    I had this MAJOR apiphany last night that rocked my world for the first time in my life, left me shaking for a few hours and even now it still makes so much sense to me. She helped me at a time of need and due to my lonliness and depression I clung onto her and tried building a friendship with her not realising she just wanted to help me, not create this close friendship over the past 3 years I have been trying to build up but I have never been able to get anywhere. Always hearing things like "I am busy", "looking for a small group of close friendships", "more time for people that matter to me". She tells me sometimes I am her only friend that calls her and several months ago before she got a boyfriend she would always be really into talking to me on the phone and tells me to call her anytime I think about her.

    I ask to hang out with her more then a few times a year late last year when we met up for a coffee and a walk to the beach, she acts like she's been waiting for me to say this and goes "Yes I really want that", she would invite me to events she goes to yet she never has once. Anyway we started talking a few times a month, tell her call me anytime she wants even if it's a bad day, good day, just to talk, great news, etc. She talks in a low voice saying nobody does this for her and how much of an amazing guy I am but I have been HARD CORE into being her friend and I am someone that sucks at making friends. But when it came to her getting her dream job or getting a boyfriend I find out from people at my work that show nowhere even close the level of interest I have in her life and her happiness. Hell back in Jan she told me on the phone we will be together forever getting through everything, always being there for eachother and a few weeks ago she told me there are a lot of nice guys but she has me up there with her boyfriend, she also doesn't call me unless I want to talk or a few weeks ago when she thought I was ending the friendship and called me asking if everything is ok between us.

    Why can I not grow this at all? was my apiphany true in me wanting a close friendship and her just more like a casual one like an aquantance type and I JUST finally realized this now? I can't even see her place due to it being "messy" and she only has time for me once every 3 months to hang out, also told me on the phone on Friday she needs to make better effort in her friendships, but she's been saying that for a while. :/

    Maybe it's time I let her know I must be wanting more out of this friendship then she does and it hurts and that maybe we should reconnect later in life or something.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to give her more space. She is already asserting some boundaries, while trying to be diplomatic. It seems you like her as more than a friends and may have become too clingy and persistent. Back away from all this. Make more friends and meet more women by getting out more and joining some clubs groups perusing your interests etc. As far as dating, get on some dating apps with a good profile and pics. Start messaging and meeting women for a low-key coffee.

  3. #3
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    I give her 3 months of space, any more and I would question what a friendship even means since that's such a long time. I tried asking for more like once a month but she always says she will try but too busy and doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Used to talk every 2 weeks on the phone from October until Feb, she would always tell me call her anytime I am thinking about her, any time I want even every day when I joked about it. Also she already knows I like her more then friends and that I am happy she has a man in her life and that I would never do anything to her, already had the talk and hung out for a picnic (her man knew about this) and there was no awkwardness between us for those 2 hours. We also text very little, can go 4 months not texting unless I text I am going to call when she's free or she calls me. She also tells me to express my feelings, to not hide them let them be known because what holding back does to the inside of your body and to always be honest with her.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    For lack of a better word, she sounds sleazy. I'm sorry to break it to you. There's nothing good that will come out of spending time with a woman who's emotionally unavailable but yet invites confessions of your emotions. This is not a good mix. Move on.

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  6. #5
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    She is like REALLY friendly to everyone and people have told me they think she likes them as she leads them on and gives lots of mixed signals. She used to be a hippy, maybe that's why? although she does not look even close to 1 and she's all about feeling feelings and i've caught her putting makeup on just before me and her met up in Jan for a hike once I text her I was near by and I told her I had a stomach ache and she responded with "You're probably just nervous you're seeing me" with a smile on her face. I know all about her mixed signals, she's even told me she needs to start being less friendly to everyone because they keep thinking she likes them. But me and her go way back and I feel like I have wasted 3 years trying to be close to her when I keep finding out about her life events from people that don't have the history we do.

  7. #6
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    She uses you as a shoulder to cry on when she needs it and that's all - but you are partly to blame because you tell her to call you anytime - in good and bad. She calls you as a last resort. Honestly, i would not call her again. I would wait to see if she ever calls you again without you prompting it and i would try to make more friends.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Find your own special lady to orbit and spend your time and energy on.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Not every friendship will evolve into besties, in fact, most will not. As adults we learn how to respect the limits of others and cultivate different kinds and degrees of friendships to meet different needs. You sound far too invested in this one.

    Make more friends.

  10. #9
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    Yeah I probably should make more friends. I do sometimes hang out with co workers for UFC and NHL playoffs, also for work related partys and get hammered and always get called the life of the party but I normally decline invites (including from the lady friend I am typing about, declined one today actually). I want like close friendships with people and I want to truely feel connected to them and have amazing time with them, but my depression and feeling like I am not worthy gets in the way of that all the time so I just stay at home instead.

    Also yes, I am really invested into her. I wont get into things but we have been through a lot together over the 3 years and we get really close when we hang out. I want more of that, even if it's with other people.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Get involved in some social activity that doesn't involve heavy drinking. Take some local or online courses/classes. Join some groups and clubs that focus on healthy activity.
    Originally Posted by MMPR
    get hammered and always get called the life of the party.

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