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Thread: Feeling Used and Sad

  1. #1

    Feeling Used and Sad

    My boyfriend (48) and I (36) were together for almost 3 years. We broke up a few times in between but were trying to work it out.

    Then we had the biggest fight in January. He used to tell me that I need to fix my anger issues, that I dont know how to act right. I tried to get back with him asking him to continue therapy but he said no. Then last week I found out that he is now back with his ex-girlfriend and they just moved in together. They dont have kids, but broken up for a long time when I met him. She still hung around his sister and did freelance work for his cousin. I saw her at a few family functions and hated it. I asked him many times to cut her out of the family, but he didn't. I told him that I did not think exes should be friends and that I did not want her around.

    Before we broke up I went through his emails and realized that they were still in contact with each other the whole time! There was no flirting but just like occasionally checking in. He would send her job leads, she's a freelance writer, then the email threads would last for a few days of them talking about random things.

    He used to tell me that we would move out of town and build a life together. I had a few appointments to look at open houses, but he never went with me. Just months before we broke up he told me that I was his 'whole world' but yet he goes back to her and forgets about our love that quickly?

    Was I a rebound? A three year relationship rebound?

  2. #2
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    3 years is a long time to be a rebound. He said you needed to act right and fix your anger issues. He was fed up and went back to his ex-girlfriend.

    He once told you that you were his 'whole world.' To him, the past doesn't matter and some men recover quickly. They move on fast to the next one whether it's an ex or a new girlfriend. Their new happiness consumes them.

    Give yourself time to heal and I hope you can move on with your life. Chin up lady.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Did you have anger issues? I couldn't tell you whether he was rebounding with you, whether he's rebounding now, or if breaking up "a few times" before was enough to get his head in the right place to move on quickly. I don't know just how much history he had with this woman before, but plenty of people do keep up with exes. You can have your own rule that exes shouldn't be friends, but that doesn't mean others have to follow it. And if you went through however many years and couldn't find so much as a flirtation, it looks innocuous enough.

    Look, I don't know what your relationship was like to come up with an amateur diagnosis. I do know that if you did have anger issues and you were demanding he "cut out" someone who is friendly with his sister and who's a colleague of his cousin, it's not exactly the best look. There's nothing you can do about him. You'll never know what was going through his head and when. All you can do is reflect and improve on yourself if there would be any benefit to it.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    He told you what he felt the problem was in the relationship... that you acted out in anger. Not that you are totally at fault as it always takes two to create a conflict, however I think focusing on whether you are the rebound is a pointless exercise. I suggest focusing on whether there is truth to what he is saying and looking at how to change that behavior in the next relationship.

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  6. #5
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    I agree that 3 years is a long time to be “using” someone. I don’t think you were used. I think it simply didn’t work out.

    You mentioned that you asked him to go back to therapy together and he said no. While I am a firm believer in therapy - I also think that if you were just dating, and you broke up multiple times, and had been in and out of therapy together, sometimes you are just trying to force something that simply isn’t working.

    I do agree with your stance that I don’t like it when exes are orbiting around and trying to be “friends” - but again - I just don’t date those people. Not everyone feels the same way (and that’s ok). It doesn't make them “wrong” - it simply makes them incompatible with me and my world view.

    I do admire your tenacity and passion and your desire to stick with a relationship. It’s in short supply these days. That said - there is also value in knowing when you aren’t compatible and when it makes sense to throw in the towel.

    It sounds to me like this relationship was on life support and it needed to end. I’m sorry it had the “extra” sting of him going back to his ex - but no, I don’t think he “used” you (particularly if he ever went to therapy with you - that implies he was genuinely trying).

  7. #6
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    A big part of the problem was your anger issues. Work on that. It also sounds like you had a lot of other issues.

    You were not used.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 06-17-2019 at 02:06 PM.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Try and date people who are more compatible with you. I'm not sure why it took you three years to find out what kind of person he was keeping his ex around as a friend. That's painful and unfortunate. Take it with a pinch of salt and go forward, older/wiser. I wouldn't lament too long on this person. There are far better out there.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately it sounds like he was never in with both feet. Perhaps you two were incompatible, perhaps he was on/off with or never got over the exgf. Either way in the long run you saved yourself a lot of headaches. Block and delete him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. Continue whatever therapy you embarked on but do it for yourself, not to accommodate an untenable conflicted situation.

  10. #9
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    This is a difficult and upsetting situation. Did you have any intuition that he may have been talking to someone else?

    I have my own obstacles in love but I think that since you know he has moved in with her you should accept the situation. You've won in a way, your time and peace of mind.

    What kind of looser plays two people? Plus you are alot younger than him. I think you should focus on yourself. Never depend on a man to give you want you should be giving yourself.

  11. #10
    I think it is a good time to move on with your life. I'm sure the 3 year relationship was more than just a rebound for him. However, he has shown his true character and you are better off without him. Look to the future. Hugs.

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