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Thread: Dating advice

  1. #1
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    Dating advice

    Hello everyone,

    I was wondering if i could get some advice here please.
    I met this man from online dating site. So it has been a month and we met about 3 times, first for a coffee at a pub, second -we were supposed to park my car at his place and then go to walk around the area but then he took me to his apartment as i was 1 hour late and he had to meet his friend afterwards for work discussion, third time again i went to his apartment as he finished work later than expected.
    He is a successful businessman who has everything including the looks, the height. The main thing for me is i guess his looks and the height, his intelligence and sensical.
    The third time he mentioned sex and i told him i have been calibrated for years since the last relationship and sex would make me suffer emotionally ( which i did not explain any further that i wanted to get to know him better )

    We had a great time on the 3rd date as we laughed a lot. But the day after i saw him actively online dating website again looking for someone.
    I do really like him but i realize that for all the 3 dates , 2 of those i was the one who travelled for half an hour to see him. Therefore there has not been any investments on his side yet.
    I do realize that he is this highly successful man , dark , tall and handsome. Obviously he could get any woman he wants.
    I am looking for a meaningful and long lasting relationship and definitely i need to get to know each other well enough to feel safe for the next step

    I feel that he thinks i am not open to sex ( which is not the case ) which i do not know what to do next .

    Could you please give me some advice what i should do next.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Well you set your boundaries, stick to them. If you don't want to have sex, don't. The fact that he's still on dating sites doesn't mean anything, you've only been out on three dates. Plan something near you, see if he'll come. And stop checking his dating profile. After all, it works the other way around too, he might've seen you online too, what should he assume? Anyway, again, no point in analyzing that, it's normal.

    Random: what is it with height? Seriously.

  3. #3
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    i never know i would be drawn to the height until i met my ex who was a tall guy and i was atrracted to him because of the height which amazed me. I cannot explain this, it's something in my primal instinct that i just discovered recently.

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    Thank you so much for your reply , I am mostly online on the dating profile as it is a way for me to talk to people and make friends. Not exactly only for romantic reason but just friendship. Do you think it would consequently push him away ? ( getting jealous? )
    i am not sure about the dating etiquette but i do stay online most of the time just to socialize .

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    Oh no, don't change what you're doing in the possibility of him assuming, that only leads to disregarding your needs. I just mentioned that to show you that assuming is not an accurate way to get to know someone.

    If you think he's not putting much effort into seeing you, start making plans somewhere where it's more convenient for you and see how he responds.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cope's Avatar
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    And I think it's ok to have preferences, but I'd put that under the general word of "handsome". I just keep seeing women getting really obsessed with height, when looks do play a role, but shouldn't be a deal breaker (generally speaking)

  8. #7
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    OK -consider this. You are content with going with your "primal instinct" and focusing on this man's height and going as far as to say that because he is "tall dark and handsome" he can get any woman he wants. Really? How little do you think of women and their standards.

    So, you are allowed to go with your "primal instinct" when it comes to height -so maybe he decided that his instinct was to run from a woman who, the third time meeting, tells him that sex would hurt her emotionally when he expresses interest. Instead of, let's say "I'm not comfortable having sex outside of a committed relationship" or "I'm not ready to have sex with you yet."

    He may be looking for a hook up mostly or he might have figured he'd see if you were up to hooking up but then when you thought you should share all of that about your sexual past and your emotional damage he figured to cut you loose before getting more involved. Not because he's tall and handsome, perhaps because he would like to meet someone who is comfortable in her own skin and comfortable enough to say "I'm not ready to have sex yet".

    It sounds like he just wants to hang out at his place and you are lucky that this guy you barely know didn't try to assault you at his place (or have someone else there, another stranger, who could have). You might want to consider going on public, proper dates with someone you just met, letting your head get involved as much or more than "primal instincts" about someone's physical features, and not spilling stuff you would share with a therapist or a very close friend when you just meet someone you might have romantic interest in.

  9. #8
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    Thank you so much for your reply. I do realize that i told him everything although i just met him because i dont normally talk through these things with anyone ( all my close friends are very busy with there family , work etc. )
    I need to now be more careful and keep things private.
    I am just being open and honest from the start which is probably not the way to be successful in dating field.
    I think now i need to probably just let him decide if he wants to contact me again then i am open to it . If he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore then, i will move on and learn this as a valuable lesson for not being to open and honest next time...

  10. #9
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    I don't know if this guy sits well with me. Three dates, and you do all the travel. The second was to "walk around." Does he live in a populated area where restaurants, bars, stores, activities are nearby and walking distance? It seems very...come up to my apartment, babe...to me. And he brought up sex after the second date. I don't know that that's inherently bad. Let's not pretend it's not something we want at some point and think about, but the actions seem to be oriented in that direction, heavily, as more casual and hookup, less relationship-oriented. Has he done anything for you? Dinner, window shop and grab a drink on your "walking," or anything?

    There seem to be issues with punctuality as well...you and him, apparently. It seems strange that instead of rescheduling, he kept you on your way over and then had to duck out for a "meeting." Third date...hang out at his place because he had to work late. It all seems "off" to me, sorry. He sort of does as he pleases, and you sniff after him. I hope this is only an impression and there's more substance to what you have had so far. To have you over at his apartment because he was running late seems very "booty call" in a sense to me. Again, I hope I'm wrong.

    While I don't think I'd be eager to jump into bed after the three encounters so far (he seems lazy, aloof), I agree with Batya that unloading your emotional trauma was not something that had to be done so early. There's nothing wrong with saying you'd rather wait a little bit, or you want to be in a committed relationship first. He could simply not be interested in dealing with someone who is terribly damaged.

    At this point, you don't have a lot to lose. I would want to see if he steps up to the plate, drives out to your area, puts in some more effort to see you, which if he was interested, he would be making that effort. If he's looking for casual, why bother when you can have the woman come to you? Tread carefully here. You may be charmed by him and his looks, but don't let it blind you into something one-sided, leaving you feeling empty.

  11. #10
    Member DimaDemerzel's Avatar
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    First of all, I don't think it's fair to assume he's seriously 'looking for someone else' just because he was still online on the dating website and/or browsing for new matches. It's perfectly fine for him to still do that, since you two have no commitment to each other yet. I would say to not worry about that yet.

    The right course of action, I think, never really is to limit how open you are. Things are so much easier and more comfortable for everyone when confusion is avoided through just being clear with each other. If you are really interested in getting to know this person better and learning whether there's more to him than just his good looks, and eventually maybe trying a committed relationship with him, I would recommend better communication. The way I see it, it's not a problem that you shared what you did with a man you've only seen a few times - only you really understand how comfortable you already are with each other or not -, but rather the way you expressed it. Perhaps you said it in a way that was perceived more as rejection than you simply expressing some problems you have from your past experiences. The right course of action here is that, next time you meet, you clear it out for him that there was a 'yet' involved. It's normal for people to want to feel more connected before having sex. Make sure he understands that you are attracted to him but just need more time. Ask him for a response too, don't let him avoid telling you what he thinks about that. This way, you'll know for sure if he just wants sex now or can wait for a proper relationship with you. Both people need to be informed of what's happening, so nobody wakes up with an unpleasant surprise (such as him looking for other people and you being confused as to why).

    As for his involvement in the dates, just set one up that implies some effort on his side. Like suggested above, meet somewhere of your choice next time, and make sure the timing is right for both of you to be fully mentally present.
    Another tip - don't focus so much on looks. Just because he's handsome doesn't mean 'any woman wants him'. I don't know why you would only want him because of that either - there must be more to him, right?

    Good luck! :) ♥

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