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Thread: Dating advice

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by zzzz74032343
    i wonder if men get hurt when a women he likes ,tell him she doesn't feel chemistry towards him?
    You could have been more sensitive in your wording.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by zzzz74032343
    but he is such a sweet guy and those guys who i feel the chemistry with have been players :-(
    I think you need to address what you are attracted to. If you are attracted to players, it does not sound like you are looking for a relationship. Your picker is off if you are attracted to these types of men.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by zzzz74032343
    He is such a sweet guy though. i wonder if i keep spending time with him then the chemistry could grow from friendship. I wish i met someone like him who i am madly in love with strong chemistry :-(
    He replied take care. Does it mean that he doesnt want to see me anymore?
    Yes it means he doesn't want to see you anymore, and fair enough, this is how the dating game goes.

    I suggest looking inward and doing some introspective work on what you want from a relationship, and what you can offer a relationship. Be the person you want to attract... attract being the key word here, you won't get the relationship you want by chasing the wrong type of men. Decide what you want for yourself and don't invest energy into the ones that don't have the qualities you are looking for.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Perhaps, you can suggest being friends. I did it, and it worked out well.
    He said sweet things like just seeing my smile would make his day etc. and really want to see me like everyday. i suggested him that we can start from friendship and see how it goes which means both of us will be off the market which is probably not good for both of us to try to force it . But he agreed to go forward with it. I might bring this up when we meet next time. he is so so sweet and i would miss him if i wont see him again :-(

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I think you need to address what you are attracted to. If you are attracted to players, it does not sound like you are looking for a relationship. Your picker is off if you are attracted to these types of men.
    It is like a physical attraction. Because how nice this person is, i am planning to date him more and see if i can find him attractive physically .

  7. #26
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What you're doing is stringing someone along and telling yourself a story that makes that okay. I know you don't want to hear that, especially because you feel like some men have strung you along, but that's what this is.

    You want to go on some dates with someone you're unsure about? Fine. You want to say things like "maybe we start as friends and see where it goes"—well, the translation to that is simple. "I like the attention from you and don't want it to end while I see if some juju stirs up in time." Anyone who agrees to that, especially if they take themselves "off the market," is a chump hooked by a little piece of string. The irony is that whatever lack of attraction you feel now, it'll only increase with him agreeing.

    Anyhow, all good. I echo maew in saying you'd serve yourself well to do some self-exploration so you know what you want. Right now you're trying out a "nice guy" to see if you can cure your attraction to "bad boys." That's not dating. That's pathology. Sit down, figure out what's important to you, and when it's there you lean in, when it's not you lean away.

    And, for the record, I'm all for the possibility of making friends through a dating app. Did just that in October, with someone who has become a great friend. But there was no blurriness. After two dates, no kissing, no sparks, I was all: "I don't think we work romantically, but I think there could be a friendship here." She laughed, relaxed, said, "I was thinking the same thing." No one was lying, no one was hoping for more. We were just two cool, attractive people who weren't at all into each other and didn't pretend otherwise.

    Right now you're pretending otherwise. You're telling stories so you don't feel bad about enjoying a nice guy who is into you but who you're not into. Remember that a bit next time you're frustrated with a man sending you mixed signals.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    What you're doing is stringing someone along and telling yourself a story that makes that okay. I know you don't want to hear that, especially because you feel like some men have strung you along, but that's what this is.

    You want to go on some dates with someone you're unsure about? Fine. You want to say things like "maybe we start as friends and see where it goes"—well, the translation to that is simple. "I like the attention from you and don't want it to end while I see if some juju stirs up in time." Anyone who agrees to that, especially if they take themselves "off the market," is a chump hooked by a little piece of string. The irony is that whatever lack of attraction you feel now, it'll only increase with him agreeing.

    Anyhow, all good. I echo maew in saying you'd serve yourself well to do some self-exploration so you know what you want. Right now you're trying out a "nice guy" to see if you can cure your attraction to "bad boys." That's not dating. That's pathology. Sit down, figure out what's important to you, and when it's there you lean in, when it's not you lean away.

    And, for the record, I'm all for the possibility of making friends through a dating app. Did just that in October, with someone who has become a great friend. But there was no blurriness. After two dates, no kissing, no sparks, I was all: "I don't think we work romantically, but I think there could be a friendship here." She laughed, relaxed, said, "I was thinking the same thing." No one was lying, no one was hoping for more. We were just two cool, attractive people who weren't at all into each other and didn't pretend otherwise.

    Right now you're pretending otherwise. You're telling stories so you don't feel bad about enjoying a nice guy who is into you but who you're not into. Remember that a bit next time you're frustrated with a man sending you mixed signals.
    I told him that so far i haven't felt chemistry between us and then he was quiet and at the time i felt bad ..... then i thought of his sweet nature and really wanted to see if we see each other more times then i might develop the feelings for him which i am hoping to be able to achieve . The reason is because it is so hard to find a nice guy like him and i might not be able to find someone nice like him again. I believe in the say " be with someone who loves you , not with someone who you love " ......

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by zzzz74032343
    I told him that so far i haven't felt chemistry between us and then he was quiet and at the time i felt bad ..... then i thought of his sweet nature and really wanted to see if we see each other more times then i might develop the feelings for him which i am hoping to be able to achieve . The reason is because it is so hard to find a nice guy like him and i might not be able to find someone nice like him again. I believe in the say " be with someone who loves you , not with someone who you love " ......
    I think you might want to explore any issues regarding control and fears for lack of control in relationships. This is not unusual especially if you've felt vulnerable or if you aren't ready for a relationship at all. You may be attempting to hide your vulnerabilities out of fear. While the short quip 'be with someone you love, not with someone who you love' may seem convenient and appealing, it's also indicative of a disingenuous and imbalanced character. In other words, you're coming across as not only imbalanced but unattractive (your character is compromised). We all have insecurities. The only way we learn to break through them and grow as people is in uncovering them and exploring past them.

    The more valuable witticism perhaps in all this is in learning to love yourself and not compromising your values or beliefs for anyone else. Your beliefs should work in harmony and if you do believe in treating others well, it should involve treating others the way you wish to be treated. The saying above is hypocritical and not very realistic when it comes to long term relationships and serious commitments. Most people will see through that and the ones that don't are vulnerable or subject to major character flaws that may be bigger problems for you in the long run.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by zzzz74032343
    I told him that so far i haven't felt chemistry between us and then he was quiet and at the time i felt bad ..... then i thought of his sweet nature and really wanted to see if we see each other more times then i might develop the feelings for him which i am hoping to be able to achieve . The reason is because it is so hard to find a nice guy like him and i might not be able to find someone nice like him again. I believe in the say " be with someone who loves you , not with someone who you love " ......
    Totally unfair to this guy and self seeking on your part... do you think you are doing him some kind of favor by continuing to date him? He deserves a reciprocal relationship with someone who will love him as much as he loves them.

    This could also blow up in your face as maybe he will decide he isn’t interested in being with someone that is only with him because he is “nice” and because they are afraid they won’t find anyone as nice.

    There are 7 billion people in the world... do you really there are no other men you could have chemistry with that are also nice people?

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by maew

    There are 7 billion people in the world... do you really there are no other men you could have chemistry with that are also nice people?
    maew, I totally get what you're saying, but I can't help chuckling anyway.

    Yes there may be 7 billion people in the world, but how many are local, and available to date?

    Far less no doubt.

    But I agree with you, if there is no chemistry then no point in continuing to date, that would be misleading him, which we all know is unfair AND unkind.

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