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What to do when she doesn’t want to be exclusive and wants to meet other people?


Samsmith50

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Hi everyone, I’m new to this so not sure exactly how things work.

 

I’m struggling with a 6 month relationship that I had and I’m curious if anyone else has been in the same situation and if any advice/guidance could be offered?

 

So me (28) and the lady (26) met 6 months ago on a dating app and I suppose we met up every 3-4 weeks. Around the 3 month mark I started to develop strong feelings for her but we had never discussed what either of us were looking for, something which in hindsight I wish we’d done.

 

I decided to raise what I was feeling but was told that although she happy with what we were doing, she didn’t want to be in a relationship as she’s been in long term relationship after long term relationship and didn’t want to be tied down. I understood this and moved forward knowing we could just enjoy our time without the pressure of me having to raise it again as I understood she didn’t want a full blown out relationship with me.

 

In recent days, however, something told me to check the app we met on and I discovered she’s still using it, having updated pictures etc. So although I didn’t expect a relationship as a result, I also didn’t expect her to be wishing to meet other people alongside seeing me, which is where my confusion lies. I would have thought she would have said this when saying she didn’t want a relationship. I think if I’d known this from the outset I’d have approached the relationship completely differently but finding out 6 months down the line has made me pretty sad.

 

I raised this with her in an appropriate manner I think, saying it’s something I should have considered at the start and outlined most of the above. Her response was that she was sorry and that we definitely should have spoken about this and she was under the assumption I was doing the same as her (looking to meet other people) but I wasn’t. She said we shouldn’t continue with what we’re doing if it leads me to feel this way but like I said, I don’t think I’d have felt this way if I’d known her intentions from the start. I know she doesn’t owe me anything but naturally I still feel sad about it.

 

What makes me sad was that each time we were together we had such a great time, and she’d always say she felt really comfortable and safe with me. More-so than with anyone else and it takes her a long time to feel like that. But at the same time she is willing to let go of what we have in order to focus on meeting people she hasn’t met yet.

 

It’s been left with her saying I need some space and time to think about whether this would be for me and whether I’d be able to see her going forwards and that she’s going to be firm with giving me space for now.

 

What should I be thinking about? Have any of you been in similar situations and what were the outcomes? Whether you walked away and what happened, if you still met up afterwards, just how things worked out for you really whatever options you chose.

 

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

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I am so surprised as i would have thought about the situation that happens to a female rather than male. I am an old school so i guess this might be all about feminist trends. I would have thought of this the other way round when girls feel sad as the boys dont want to commit but still want to meet other people.....

as a female, i feel we get attached when we are intimate with the opposite sex and that make us tie to just one person, accordingt to what you, that's no longer the case?

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I’d walk away now, OP.

 

If she’s still keeping her options open after this much time, it’s because she just doesn’t have those feelings for you.

 

You stand to get even more hurt when she one day stops hanging out with you because she’s met a guy she does want to date more seriously. It sucks but if will ultimately be less painful to cut ties now.

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Next time date someone more consistently and frequently. Date locally. Once a month is too seldom. Also have the exclusive dating talk if that's what you want. between the rare dates and the nebulous status, many will lose interest.

 

Let this one go and treat it as a learning experience. 6 mos is long enough to determine what everyone wants and where you want it to head. Be confident, speak up and plan regular dates at intervals that sustain momentum and interest.

we met up every 3-4 weeks..
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Yeah I agree, I guess I’m quite old school too and I’m not able to see other people simultaneously!

 

As of last week she was still wanting to meet up so I don’t believe it’s that she didn’t feel intimate with me anymore, maybe I just assumed she had more feeling towards me so wouldn’t feel the need to seek attention elsewhere.

 

To all intents and purposes it felt like we were together when we were physically together and we’d text quite a lot so I just didn’t envisage her wanting the same from others.

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After 6 months, she is just not that into you. Sorry.

 

Sure, she likes the attention you provide, the dates, the occasional companionship, but in terms of moving forward into a relationship.....if she felt that spark, you two would have been in a relationship a long time ago. She wouldn't need to think about that. In a way, she is using you like a comfort blanket and that's not very nice.

 

I'm sorry, but time to stop being in denial, face it and stop wasting your time on a woman who is barely lukewarm to you and will use you, take some benefits but will never really be all in. Drop her, heal, move on. Take this as a lesson learned that you need to establish where you both are at and what you are looking for much much sooner, when it's less painful to walk away.

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I think as the movie and book says, "she's just not that into you". I think what she meant when she said she was happy to continue is that she was happy to continue with you as casual/friends with benefits. But in the meantime she is still dating and trying to find someone she actually wants a relationship with. To be honest I don't think it's a good sign that you only saw each other every 3-4 weeks. Someone who's interested in you would want to see you more than only once a month! She probably only wanted to see you for hookup. I think next time be more careful and try to read between the lines and to pay attention to the person's actions towards you.

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Basically in agreement with the general consensus here.

 

Curious: Is this a long distance thing? If I have my numbers right, your three month mark was also the 3-4 date mark? A decent amount of time to be "dating," in other words, without much dating. Speaking for myself, if I meet someone on an app I generally assume they are still swiping around, maybe going on another date or two, when we've only met up three or so times.

 

Anyhow, I think you handled this well. You checked in when you needed to, but, sadly, just realized you guys aren't on the same page in terms of feelings and expectations. Not your fault, not hers. All it means is she's not the one for you.

 

Moving forward, as others have said, I'd try to check in about stuff a little earlier.

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She likes you just fine, but she's looking for someone she likes better. Or more.

 

Not a slam against you. She maybe wants someone who gets her going more or differently or whatever.

 

Don't hang onto lukewarm or to someone who "likes" you just fine. Move on and search for someone who knows she wants you and only you.

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Yeah I've been in a similar situation where I asked if he was seeing other people, he said yes, I said I wasn't, but I continued because I hadn't developed feelings for him, I just wasn't in the mood to date other people. We're still friendly towards each other.

 

If exclusivity is something you want, don't settle for less, it will destroy you.

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It’s not too long distance no, a train journey but nothing ridiculous. Going back to how often we met up, maybe I underestimated how many dates we had, I’d say almost 10? There were times we could have met more but we had busy schedules so it wasn’t always possible, only last week she wanted to meet up the weekend just gone but I said I couldn’t then we half agreed (at the time) to meet in a couple of weeks but then I found this out and obviously has put a stall on things.

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she didn’t want to be in a relationship as she’s been in long term relationship after long term relationship and didn’t want to be tied down.

 

.

 

- She said that because she's not in love with you. Why? - either because she's young and still wants to sow her wild oats (some young people are not ready to fall in love yet.), or she's been hurt in the past, is on the rebound, and not ready to love another yet.

 

All you can do is find a replacement, and date others.

 

Never settle for a woman who's not in love with you - a woman in love is monogamous, and more fun.

I am so surprised as i would have thought about the situation that happens to a female rather than male. I am an old school so i guess this might be all about feminist trends. I would have thought of this the other way round when girls feel sad as the boys dont want to commit but still want to meet other people.....

as a female, i feel we get attached when we are intimate with the opposite sex and that make us tie to just one person, accordingt to what you, that's no longer the case?

 

- Contrary to popular belief, men and women are mostly the same - they are both human. Shocking, huh?! There are just a few outliers who confuse things.

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You are only seeing this woman once a month, and she stated that she did not want a relationship. I am confused by your confusion, and to why you agreed to continue with this?

 

I you want girlfriend then move on. I would also think that seeing someone at least once a week would be a part of the equation.

 

Are you sure that you want a relationship with anyone?

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She's not serious about you so respect that. Either consider her a friend, pal or less than that. Don't have any high hopes nor expectations otherwise you will continue to be disappointed.

 

If you seek a committed relationship, focus on a woman who wants the same.

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You are only seeing this woman once a month, and she stated that she did not want a relationship. I am confused by your confusion, and to why you agreed to continue with this?

 

I you want girlfriend then move on. I would also think that seeing someone at least once a week would be a part of the equation.

 

Are you sure that you want a relationship with anyone?

 

I mean... yea. She was crystal clear with you about what she wanted... she didn't lead you on, like at all... you guys only saw each other once a month... 6-8 times over a 6 month period.. you agreed to keeping it casual... I am not sure what the problem is to be honest, except that you need to be honest with yourself about what you are looking for and put some energy into building the kind of relationship you want with someone.

 

she didn’t want to be in a relationship as she’s been in long term relationship after long term relationship and didn’t want to be tied down. I understood this and moved forward knowing we could just enjoy our time without the pressure of me having to raise it again as I understood she didn’t want a full blown out relationship with me
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So me (28) and the lady (26) met 6 months ago on a dating app and I suppose we met up every 3-4 weeks.

 

I am still confused as to why you were only able to meet up every three or four weeks. You said you were "busy," I don't buy this excuse, when people are interested they make time.

 

You didn't have time for a one or two hour lunch or dinner once a week? I dunno, I find this hard to believe unless you have children or something.

 

Anyway, you can't build anything substantial seeing each other so little. It's going to be considered casual by the person you're dating and as such it's just assumed they will be keeping options open and pursuing others if they so choose.

 

I am not sure you can save this (I'm sorry - the precedent has already been set and it's hard to recover from that), but going forward, if you're interested, strive to see each other at least once a week. Building up to twice a week, and so on. If the other person makes excuses or she's "too busy" then move on. She's not interested.

 

Discuss exclusivity when you're ready to kick it up to the next level. There is no set time table for it, but typically it's between one and two months, but for some it's shorter.

 

I am sorry this doesn't appear to be working out, but hopefully lesson learned.

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I mean... yea. She was crystal clear with you about what she wanted... she didn't lead you on, like at all... you guys only saw each other once a month... 6-8 times over a 6 month period.. you agreed to keeping it casual... I am not sure what the problem is to be honest, except that you need to be honest with yourself about what you are looking for and put some energy into building the kind of relationship you want with someone.

 

I just read this -- spot on! And which pretty much echos what I just posted too.

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This is not a good mix. You ignored her clear information that she wants no relationship (in the serious relationship sense) and also told you her reasons why. The misunderstanding is really on you. Chalk this up to experience going forward and don't hang onto this situation for too long. It's been a misunderstanding and a case of not listening properly when someone tells you that he/she is not emotionally available.

 

Be a bit more aware and listen more carefully next time. Don't be afraid to meet new people again. This will pass.

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Thanks for your comments, agree with them all pretty much. For me it was definitely a communication thing and me misunderstanding her intentions so I was querying whether anyone had been in a similar situation before and how you managed and dealt with it

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EVERYONE has been in the same position. lol

 

Just the details vary.

 

It's the nature of society today, imo. Another person is right around the corner...people don't want to date...don't want to commit...don't want to say "hey, let's do this" because they have this fear they are missing out on some future person who is even better.

 

The second you want to invest...some people just bail because they aren't ready. All we can do is learn from it, and understand relationships better. It's a shame that our inexperience drives off people, but it is what it is :-)

 

Learn for your mistakes :-)

 

Btw, there's tons of youtube vidoes out there that go step by step through your mistakes.

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Thanks for your comments, agree with them all pretty much. For me it was definitely a communication thing and me misunderstanding her intentions so I was querying whether anyone had been in a similar situation before and how you managed and dealt with it

 

We’ve all done it... usually because we were hoping it would be more than it was, and because we didn’t communicate how we felt along the way.

 

It would seem you have different definitions of casual.... to her it means she can date other people while seeing you... to you it means you are exclusive but not serious. Neither is wrong just make sure you communicate along the way next time if you aren’t sure.

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Thanks for your comments, agree with them all pretty much. For me it was definitely a communication thing and me misunderstanding her intentions so I was querying whether anyone had been in a similar situation before and how you managed and dealt with it

 

No I have not been in that sort of situation, because I have not and would not continue to date a man who was only available every 3-4 weeks.

 

And frankly don't know of many women who would.

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No I have not been in that sort of situation, because I have not and would not continue to date a man who was only available every 3-4 weeks.

 

And frankly don't know of many women who would.

 

It wasn’t solely my choice to meet up that infrequently. There were times I’d be available and she wasn’t so it wasn’t me making myself available every 3-4 weeks. If it was my choice and schedules allowed obviously I’d prefer more often than that.

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