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Thread: Threesome went bad now I feel he cheated on me

  1. #1
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    Threesome went bad now I feel he cheated on me

    Recently my husband of 20+ years wanted a threesome and after several times got me to say yes (I said no first two times he asked. The third time I I throught I had to say yes to save our marriage). He wanted this as he thought it could spice us our marriage. We found my best friend to participate. She was not only my best fiend; she was friends with both of us (my husband has recently said she his best friend for emotional issues/support).

    At the beginning, only ground rule/boundary stated by my husband was “if anyone is uncomfortable, just say no and we will stop”. The first part touching with all 3 of us each was fine. However when he and my friend started to have intimacy (oral sex and full blown sex, etc..), I was in shock, angry and cried while watching my husband get sexual with another person front of my eyes). My husband was focused on his sexual encounter and continued on until I finally explored (after 15+ minutes) in rage and yelled and screamed for them to stop.

    I was very emotionally hurt by the incident and told my husband we had to go to marriage counseling or we were going to divorce. He agreed to counseling. We have been in counseling for awhile and I have found I need for him to show remorse about the fact he engaged in sexual activities with someone else even as I sat there in shock, crying and fueling with rage and also that he asked for a threesome even after I said “no” twice. He said he is remorseful that he hurt me emotionally; but does not feel remorse (or even regret) about the event or his actions. He said he had an emotional connection and enjoyed the experience. He said I could have said “No” when he started going too far. I told him I was in shock and this was a traumatic event. And when people are in shock they don’t necessarily know how to express their feelings.

    I feel he violated the fidelity of our marriage (cheating) because he didn’t stop as he never took my feelings into account or checked to see if I was still into the threesome while he was engaging in sex with my friend. I was in shock as I stated before.

    Any thoughts from anyone whose be through this before. Has your relationship survived? How do you deal with moving forward with the person knowing they are not remorseful?

  2. #2
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    YOUR best friend is HIS best emotional support?? Whuuuuuutt? Did I read that right ?

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    Yes that’s what he told me recently. He doesn’t have any real close friends; because he thinks if he gets too close to people they will hurt him in some level.

  4. #4
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    Okay, then he is emotional affair territory with her and got you to sanction a physical one . Both need kicking to the curb.

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    Appreciate your insight and perspective.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    It's good that you're in counseling, because there are clear signs that this marriage was struggling before the threesome. If you can get at those, if this whole experience can lead you two to team up in hunting those down—well, maybe that's the path toward stability. If everything is about the threesome until the end of time—not going to do either of you any favors.

    I can see this from all sides. In a way—and I know it's really hard to see it like this, since you're in a lot of pain, and that's pain that deserves to be seen and felt as needed—this isn't so different than trying something sexually between just the two of you that you were ambivalent about. Let's say he asked about trying Sexual Act X and you said no thanks. A month or two years later he brings it up again—no thanks. And again—okay, I love you, fine. And Sexual Act X turns out to be more or less how you feared it would be: painful, gross, whatever.

    In that less charged scenario you'd probably be finding the common ground you're struggling to find right now, because it wouldn't be triggering the "cheating" stuff. You wouldn't be resenting him for pushing for it quite the same way, nor would you resent him if he found some pleasure where you didn't. It would basically be an awkward thing you guys tried and wouldn't do again. He would be genuinely sorry that it made you uncomfortable, would not ask for it again. A mutual exploration of the boundaries that reaffirmed them.

    Easier said than done, of course, in this situation. But, in ways, I think you'd be better off trying to think about it in those terms than as cheating. I'm assuming that, when you yelled to stop, they did stop? If so, this just sounds more like a big, messy mistake you guys made in a very clumsy way of addressing some problems in your marriage. This was, in the end, something that was mutually consented to so to obsess with turning it into infidelity is not just asking for your hurt to be recognized, but for your hurt to be the only narrative.

    What those marital problems are, I can't say. But it sounds like there is major emotional disconnection between you two. I do agree with Sera that it's troubling that your friend has become a source of emotional support for him. Dicey stuff, right there. I also find it troubling that he can still process this as an "enjoyable" experience while knowing you didn't enjoy it, though he does sound like he regrets that your feelings were hurt. Maybe that's what he means, I don't know.

    I hope that doesn't sound like I'm minimizing your hurt here, or the magnitude of all this. You hurt, understandably, and I see that. I'm sorry for that. But I'm just trying to offer some perspective that's not pouring kerosene on this fire but that might help you find a way to put it out, together, if that's what you still want. If this step outside of your boundaries has made being together unfeasible—if this is, for you, infidelity, plain and simple—then it's a conversation less about how to get through this than how to separate.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    A threesome can be an enjoyable experience for a couple if all parties are on the same page.

    You need to go into it for the right reasons and you have to genuinely want it from the beginning or it will end in disaster as this has.

    Agreeing to ANY sexual act that goes against your boundaries in an attempt to save your marriage is a horrible idea.

    I see major red flags here, the first of which that your husband repeatedly pressured you into doing something sexual that you didn't want to do.

    The way you describe it is very telling - you said you felt you had to do it to save your marriage. That's disturbing on quite a few levels that your husband would go ahead with it knowing how you felt and that you didn't want to do it in the first place.

    Equally as disturbing is the fact that both your "friend" and your husband continued to get nasty in front of you as you sat there and sobbed. Sorry but that's not a friend and your husband is a horrible person.

    You shouldn't have had to ask him to stop for him to realize this was not something you were OK with and a friend would have put the breaks on it the moment you showed signs of being uncomfortable.

    Did he cheat? Yes, as he violated boundaries both physical and emotional with someone else (right in front of you no less) but I feel like that's the least of your concerns at this point.

    Your husband's "sorry not sorry" during your counseling session combined with his complete lack of respect for you tells me this marriage is DOA.

    Let him go and have all the threesome he wants as a single man

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    Thanks Bluecastle for your insight. Your response of having me see a different scenario if he just asked to try something new sexually between us only is helping me calm down a bit. In the scenario you described above I know I won’t have the strong emotions right now, I would have just viewed as we tried something new between us and it didn’t work so we won’t do it again.

    My emotional pain now is because of what I saw during our third person threesome that went horribly wrong. Plus we have the additional issue of his emotional relationship with my best friend and his lack of remorse and/regret about his actions that night.

    Well see how counseling goes. Yes we do have other issues which along with this major one to me we are trying to address. Again thanks for your input and giving me a different/fresh perspective to reflect on.

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    Yikes. You should never do anything you are not comfortable with.

    Had you ever considered counseling prior to this? You chose your closest friend!?!? How can you face her? What were you two thinking!

    He needs to show remorse? You agreed to this craziness.

    I say you should lose the friend and the husband, they are too close, on too many levels.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 06-16-2019 at 10:41 PM.

  11. #10
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    OP... you probably won't want to hear this... the way you describe the situation makes me think they were already having an affair, at the very least an emotional one for quite some time, and that this was simply his way of manipulating you into being "okay" with the situation. I am curious as to whether this has come up in the past... like is this a kink of his that he has been suppressing for the sake of your marriage or is this a relatively recent development? Either way, no means no and the fact that he continued to push is a sign that he doesn't respect you or your sexual boundaries.

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