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Thread: Threesome went bad now I feel he cheated on me

  1. #41
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Married10444
    When being rational, I know that there’s more issues we are having and not just this one episode (like his lack of empathy towards me; but he’ll give it to anyone else, every strangers).
    Now we're getting somewhere.

    Let's remove all the hot button issues for a second—the threesome, the friend—and what do we have here? Something lava-hot in itself that has probably been burning you up for a good long time. Five years? Seven? Since before you got married?

    Makes sense, see, that you are so drawn to this idea of "remorse." You are trying to squeeze empathy out of a stone. Does "save our marriage" connect with "get him to finally be empathetic" on any level? Something to roll over in the mind.

    Because, from these seats, I can't help but wonder if this is what's happening here: that this threesome—both what led you do do it and what you're upset about in the wake of it—is kind of a symptom of this larger condition: your fruitless searching, under increasingly fraught conditions, for empathy from a man who repeatedly proves himself incapable of showing it in a way you need.

    That, to me, is far more concerning than kink gone wrong or even blurred-lines stuff with a "friend." Friends can be cut out, and wounds, even gaping ones, do heal in time. We humans have a tremendous capacity to get over sh*t. But a dynamic built on someone craving empathy from someone incapable of giving it? That you get over by getting out, at least after time has proven it to be set in stone.

  2. #42
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    I don't share this often - but my ex asked for a threesome on multiple occasions and also suggested a person eventually.
    I always said NO.
    But i later realized it was his way of trying to break up/divorce me and i did't take the bait.
    His baggage was that he was cheated on by his girlfriend with a woman they were traveling with (and had sex while he slept)
    I wonder if he was looking for an out.
    Because he wasn't suggesting the two of you double team on her, they double team on you, etc. He just wanted permission for sex with her

  3. #43
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    You don't need to have a threesome (or engage in any sexual act you don't want to) to save a marriage and much less with a friend! Also their relationship previous to this seems very inappropriate to me. Also, I think that a true friend would refuse to get into this mess, specially in such a fragile marriage as yours (which she'd know being so close to you both...). Your husband sounds incredibly selfish and not bothered at all about how you feel. I don't care if you say yes or no, but someone concerned with their spouse would always be checking on them and their body language and the pleasure and comfort of their partner during the threesome would be their biggest concern, so of course he should've stopped right away as soon as you were not engaging anymore and was shocked and angry and he should've have been paying attention to that. But it doesn't seem to me that he was doing this threesome for you or for the marriage, but only to himself and his fantasies and pleasure.

    You did well in wanting counseling. Sex acts NEVER save marriages because the issues run deeper than "spicing up". Also, I'm not a fan in bringing third parties to bed but I think that threesomes can be enjoyable if the relationship is solid (which your isn't) and both want it (he was the only one who wanted) and not with a close friend of the couple. If not it'll do more damage. Your husband showed his true colors and his lack of respect for you. Was he always this selfish and self centered?

  4. #44
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by superfan
    A threesome can be an enjoyable experience for a couple if all parties are on the same page.

    You need to go into it for the right reasons and you have to genuinely want it from the beginning or it will end in disaster as this has.

    Agreeing to ANY sexual act that goes against your boundaries in an attempt to save your marriage is a horrible idea.

    I see major red flags here, the first of which that your husband repeatedly pressured you into doing something sexual that you didn't want to do.

    The way you describe it is very telling - you said you felt you had to do it to save your marriage. That's disturbing on quite a few levels that your husband would go ahead with it knowing how you felt and that you didn't want to do it in the first place.

    Equally as disturbing is the fact that both your "friend" and your husband continued to get nasty in front of you as you sat there and sobbed. Sorry but that's not a friend and your husband is a horrible person.

    You shouldn't have had to ask him to stop for him to realize this was not something you were OK with and a friend would have put the breaks on it the moment you showed signs of being uncomfortable.

    Did he cheat? Yes, as he violated boundaries both physical and emotional with someone else (right in front of you no less) but I feel like that's the least of your concerns at this point.

    Your husband's "sorry not sorry" during your counseling session combined with his complete lack of respect for you tells me this marriage is DOA.

    Let him go and have all the threesome he wants as a single man
    Yes, I'd be done too. This is not a man concerned with his wife and trying to save the marriage. This is someone very selfish and not concerned with his wife's well being, which is a clear indication that this is either his caracter as a selfish person (not fixable) or that the marriage is doomed beyond repair. I'd say it's a mix of both. This paired with him not letting people get close to him emotionally (except for your friend?) shows that he seems to lack empathy in general. Also I'd cut off the friend. What kind of friends continues having sex with her friend's husband seeing that she's obviously crying and disturbed?? Not acceptable!


    Originally Posted by Billie28
    I seem to have a different perspective on this ?

    I think it’s ok that the husband asked a third time. Some people need a little coaxing into what ultimately they might enjoy.
    But likewise it would have been ok for the OP to say no.
    She didn’t to “save her marriage”
    But what marriage problems were present? A tgreesome is obviously not a good idea and doomed to fail if the marriage isn’t in a good place to begin with. Why did the OP not suggest counseling at that point? Or prior.

    A threesome is 3 way generally meaning all 3 are interacting not two and one watching.
    Yet the OP didn’t interact and watched. Yes of course the other parties should have made more of an effort to include her but it’s not like she wasn’t welcome to include herself.

    Another thing is that if someone agrees to a threesome for the first time , the third party should be unknown to them or at least relatively unknown. In case jealousy arises.

    It was a bad idea to involve a friend.
    People seem to think the husband decided on the third party but maybe the OP can clarify that?
    I find it disrespectful to insist. Years ago I was with someone who asked me if I had ever watched porn with threesomes and I said yes and he asked if I liked it. I said that I felt aroused watching but that it wasn't something that I'd see myself doing in real life nor felt comfortable seeing myself in such situation but that I do respect and understand that it can be very exciting (I know, maybe I gave too much info). Well, I kid you not, he saw this as a green light to insist, and insist, and insist, and insist and try to bring this theme into conversation as much as possible even when we were just going out for dinner or were talking about totally unrelated stuff. He also kept insisting with me to do acts I wasn't comfortable with or enough aroused to during sex (?). I couldn't take it anymore and had to break up with him for good and shoud've done it sooner. He can go try to coerce someone else. Granted, this was a very recent relationship and now looking back it wasn't such a deep relationship, but this was unacceptable to me and disrespectful.









    I've read the rest of the thread and it confirmed that the husband lacked empathy in general and not just in this situation and it seems like the husband resents the OP and instead if being supportive to her disability, he like I said resents her and is cruel to her. I'm sorry if I'm overreacting but the way he treats OP and his lack of empathy towards her makes me feel sick to my stomach.
    Last edited by Annia; 06-20-2019 at 09:55 PM.

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