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Threesome went bad now I feel he cheated on me


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Recently my husband of 20+ years wanted a threesome and after several times got me to say yes (I said no first two times he asked. The third time I I throught I had to say yes to save our marriage). He wanted this as he thought it could spice us our marriage. We found my best friend to participate. She was not only my best fiend; she was friends with both of us (my husband has recently said she his best friend for emotional issues/support).

 

At the beginning, only ground rule/boundary stated by my husband was “if anyone is uncomfortable, just say no and we will stop”. The first part touching with all 3 of us each was fine. However when he and my friend started to have intimacy (oral sex and full blown sex, etc..), I was in shock, angry and cried while watching my husband get sexual with another person front of my eyes). My husband was focused on his sexual encounter and continued on until I finally explored (after 15+ minutes) in rage and yelled and screamed for them to stop.

 

I was very emotionally hurt by the incident and told my husband we had to go to marriage counseling or we were going to divorce. He agreed to counseling. We have been in counseling for awhile and I have found I need for him to show remorse about the fact he engaged in sexual activities with someone else even as I sat there in shock, crying and fueling with rage and also that he asked for a threesome even after I said “no” twice. He said he is remorseful that he hurt me emotionally; but does not feel remorse (or even regret) about the event or his actions. He said he had an emotional connection and enjoyed the experience. He said I could have said “No” when he started going too far. I told him I was in shock and this was a traumatic event. And when people are in shock they don’t necessarily know how to express their feelings.

 

I feel he violated the fidelity of our marriage (cheating) because he didn’t stop as he never took my feelings into account or checked to see if I was still into the threesome while he was engaging in sex with my friend. I was in shock as I stated before.

 

Any thoughts from anyone whose be through this before. Has your relationship survived? How do you deal with moving forward with the person knowing they are not remorseful?

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It's good that you're in counseling, because there are clear signs that this marriage was struggling before the threesome. If you can get at those, if this whole experience can lead you two to team up in hunting those down—well, maybe that's the path toward stability. If everything is about the threesome until the end of time—not going to do either of you any favors.

 

I can see this from all sides. In a way—and I know it's really hard to see it like this, since you're in a lot of pain, and that's pain that deserves to be seen and felt as needed—this isn't so different than trying something sexually between just the two of you that you were ambivalent about. Let's say he asked about trying Sexual Act X and you said no thanks. A month or two years later he brings it up again—no thanks. And again—okay, I love you, fine. And Sexual Act X turns out to be more or less how you feared it would be: painful, gross, whatever.

 

In that less charged scenario you'd probably be finding the common ground you're struggling to find right now, because it wouldn't be triggering the "cheating" stuff. You wouldn't be resenting him for pushing for it quite the same way, nor would you resent him if he found some pleasure where you didn't. It would basically be an awkward thing you guys tried and wouldn't do again. He would be genuinely sorry that it made you uncomfortable, would not ask for it again. A mutual exploration of the boundaries that reaffirmed them.

 

Easier said than done, of course, in this situation. But, in ways, I think you'd be better off trying to think about it in those terms than as cheating. I'm assuming that, when you yelled to stop, they did stop? If so, this just sounds more like a big, messy mistake you guys made in a very clumsy way of addressing some problems in your marriage. This was, in the end, something that was mutually consented to so to obsess with turning it into infidelity is not just asking for your hurt to be recognized, but for your hurt to be the only narrative.

 

What those marital problems are, I can't say. But it sounds like there is major emotional disconnection between you two. I do agree with Sera that it's troubling that your friend has become a source of emotional support for him. Dicey stuff, right there. I also find it troubling that he can still process this as an "enjoyable" experience while knowing you didn't enjoy it, though he does sound like he regrets that your feelings were hurt. Maybe that's what he means, I don't know.

 

I hope that doesn't sound like I'm minimizing your hurt here, or the magnitude of all this. You hurt, understandably, and I see that. I'm sorry for that. But I'm just trying to offer some perspective that's not pouring kerosene on this fire but that might help you find a way to put it out, together, if that's what you still want. If this step outside of your boundaries has made being together unfeasible—if this is, for you, infidelity, plain and simple—then it's a conversation less about how to get through this than how to separate.

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A threesome can be an enjoyable experience for a couple if all parties are on the same page.

 

You need to go into it for the right reasons and you have to genuinely want it from the beginning or it will end in disaster as this has.

 

Agreeing to ANY sexual act that goes against your boundaries in an attempt to save your marriage is a horrible idea.

 

I see major red flags here, the first of which that your husband repeatedly pressured you into doing something sexual that you didn't want to do.

 

The way you describe it is very telling - you said you felt you had to do it to save your marriage. That's disturbing on quite a few levels that your husband would go ahead with it knowing how you felt and that you didn't want to do it in the first place.

 

Equally as disturbing is the fact that both your "friend" and your husband continued to get nasty in front of you as you sat there and sobbed. Sorry but that's not a friend and your husband is a horrible person.

 

You shouldn't have had to ask him to stop for him to realize this was not something you were OK with and a friend would have put the breaks on it the moment you showed signs of being uncomfortable.

 

Did he cheat? Yes, as he violated boundaries both physical and emotional with someone else (right in front of you no less) but I feel like that's the least of your concerns at this point.

 

Your husband's "sorry not sorry" during your counseling session combined with his complete lack of respect for you tells me this marriage is DOA.

 

Let him go and have all the threesome he wants as a single man

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Thanks Bluecastle for your insight. Your response of having me see a different scenario if he just asked to try something new sexually between us only is helping me calm down a bit. In the scenario you described above I know I won’t have the strong emotions right now, I would have just viewed as we tried something new between us and it didn’t work so we won’t do it again.

 

My emotional pain now is because of what I saw during our third person threesome that went horribly wrong. Plus we have the additional issue of his emotional relationship with my best friend and his lack of remorse and/regret about his actions that night.

 

Well see how counseling goes. Yes we do have other issues which along with this major one to me we are trying to address. Again thanks for your input and giving me a different/fresh perspective to reflect on.

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Yikes. You should never do anything you are not comfortable with.

 

Had you ever considered counseling prior to this? You chose your closest friend!?!? How can you face her? What were you two thinking!

 

He needs to show remorse? You agreed to this craziness.

 

I say you should lose the friend and the husband, they are too close, on too many levels.

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OP... you probably won't want to hear this... the way you describe the situation makes me think they were already having an affair, at the very least an emotional one for quite some time, and that this was simply his way of manipulating you into being "okay" with the situation. I am curious as to whether this has come up in the past... like is this a kink of his that he has been suppressing for the sake of your marriage or is this a relatively recent development? Either way, no means no and the fact that he continued to push is a sign that he doesn't respect you or your sexual boundaries.

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Thanks Bluecastle for your insight. Your response of having me see a different scenario if he just asked to try something new sexually between us only is helping me calm down a bit. In the scenario you described above I know I won’t have the strong emotions right now, I would have just viewed as we tried something new between us and it didn’t work so we won’t do it again.

 

My emotional pain now is because of what I saw during our third person threesome that went horribly wrong. Plus we have the additional issue of his emotional relationship with my best friend and his lack of remorse and/regret about his actions that night.

 

Well see how counseling goes. Yes we do have other issues which along with this major one to me we are trying to address. Again thanks for your input and giving me a different/fresh perspective to reflect on.

 

Calm is good. Helps us think clearly, see things clearly, while also feeling what we need to feel.

 

Per some other comments—maew's in particular—I think the pain about "what you saw" may be more connected to "what you felt" during that moment. I don't want to be alarmist, since only you know the specifics of the relationship between your friend, you, and your husband, but it sounds awfully charged and blurry, in a way where you maybe don't have confidence of the emotional hierarchy between you guys. Without that confidence, the physical stuff becomes super magnified, and I do wonder if your instinct to call all this cheating is because that was instinct you had been nursing and suppressing about them before the clothes came off. Maybe not physical, but emotional...

 

Probably best to have some distance with the friend right now, for both of you, as you keep working through this. Have any steps in that direction been taken?

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OP, I have to agree with a couple other posters here who suggested that your husband was already inappropriately involved with your best friend before this, and this was simply their way of consummating that without technically "cheating." I say that as someone who has on occasion participated in three-way dalliances, too. If all parties are enthusiastic participants and boundaries are clearly defined beforehand, and the third party is carefully chosen, it can work and be enjoyable. The way you and your husband went about this, though, has me seriously raising an eyebrow.

 

There are serious red flags all over this: him repeatedly asking you to do something you didn't want to do, the fact that your best friend is his support system, and the fact that he had an "emotional connection" during the act with her. He has feelings for her, as I'm sure you're now realizing. My guess is you don't know the half of it, either, unfortunately.

 

Whose idea was it to ask your best friend? Where is she in all of this now? Are you still communicating with her, and more importantly, is he? (that you know of)

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I seem to have a different perspective on this ?

 

I think it’s ok that the husband asked a third time. Some people need a little coaxing into what ultimately they might enjoy.

But likewise it would have been ok for the OP to say no.

She didn’t to “save her marriage”

But what marriage problems were present? A tgreesome is obviously not a good idea and doomed to fail if the marriage isn’t in a good place to begin with. Why did the OP not suggest counseling at that point? Or prior.

 

A threesome is 3 way generally meaning all 3 are interacting not two and one watching.

Yet the OP didn’t interact and watched. Yes of course the other parties should have made more of an effort to include her but it’s not like she wasn’t welcome to include herself.

 

Another thing is that if someone agrees to a threesome for the first time , the third party should be unknown to them or at least relatively unknown. In case jealousy arises.

 

It was a bad idea to involve a friend.

People seem to think the husband decided on the third party but maybe the OP can clarify that?

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Sorry to hear this. No one has to have a threesome or condone cheating in order to "save their marriage". It's unfortunate your husband is doing this. Privately and confidentially see a therapist, do not do joint or marriage therapy. Do not tell your husband about it. Lose this "friend".

 

Do not threaten divorce. Instead privately consult an attorney discuss your option and get your ducks in a row. Be stealth and find a way out of this mess. Stop discussing anything with your husband especially your feelings (he doesn't care).

 

Stop having sex with him. Ask him to sleep in another room. Create a peaceful space for reflection to sort out this chaos.

he and my friend started to have intimacy (oral sex and full blown sex, etc..), I was in shock, angry and cried while watching my husband get sexual with another person front of my eyes).
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No one has to have a threesome or condone cheating in order to "save their marriage".

 

Agreed!

 

It's unfortunate your husband is doing this.

 

He didn’t do it without permission or behind the Op’s Back.

 

Privately and confidentially see a therapist, do not do joint or marriage therapy. Do not tell your husband about it. Lose this "friend".

 

The “friend” was invited. She just didn’t know what she was being invited into .

 

 

Do not threaten divorce. Instead privately consult an attorney discuss your option and get your ducks in a row. Be stealth and find a way out of this mess. Stop discussing anything with your husband especially your feelings (he doesn't care).

 

The husband doesn’t necessarily not care. Perhaps misunderstanding. He is going to counselling with her which most people would assume he does care.

 

Stop having sex with him. Ask him to sleep in another room. Create a peaceful space for reflection to sort out this chaos.

 

Perhaps not having sex was what led to this suggestion?

 

The husband is certainly painted in a bad light here.

But after 20 years of marriage and the OP being ok with it that long. Is a threesome gone wrong really the issue?

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OK...well I think it's a tricky situation and maybe more information is needed...I do think it's wrong that after your husband asked you twice to have a threesome and you said "no", that he kept asking. That is pushy and coercive. Although the third time you did agree and you didn't say "no". So could there be a possibility that he actually thought that you decided you were OK with it and happy to go ahead the third time? Or had you let your feelings more known and your husband just ignored how you felt?

 

What was the reason you had chosen your best friend? Did your husband suggest her? I think it's probably always better to maybe find a third person for a threesome online or at a swingers party. But at the lack of finding someone on those avenues and also for safety reasons (strangers may have sexually transmitted diseases, be weird, etc.), I can see why choosing your best friend may have seemed like an option.

 

It's sort of hard to know whether your husband genuinely wanted to cheat or did he really just want a threesome just as a sex fantasy? I say this because I've had many threesome and I am interested in doing more. I'm in a monogamous relationship and both my fiance and I are interested in having a threesome. It's not to cheat but just to enjoy ourselves sexually. We would not see anyone outside of a threesome scenario, we have a rule about that.

 

Regarding your husband and friend doing something for fifteen minutes and you watched. Well that is not necessarily wrong just in and of itself as far as threesome go. It's a bit difficult from a technical perspective for three people to be having sex with each other at the same time. So sometimes you take turns doing things and one person watches. How long the person watches really just depends on the situation.

 

The problem I do see with all this though is that your husband was pressuring you to have the threesome and he didn't seem to care how you felt. He has to respect that you did not want it and he shouldn't have pushed. Now that he knows how horrible you felt, yes he should feel bad that he forced you into it. And if he suggested your best friend himself then yes he may be involved with her already or he was already into her/attracted to her.

 

But there may also be possibility that he did just want the threesome as a fun sexual experience and didn't realise the repercussions.

 

I mean I don't really know the situation so just giving different perspectives.

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Many open-minded members on ENA! :)

 

I don't believe he was pushy because he asked you three times. You can always say no, you know, and split.

 

It's no surprise things didn't go as expected. Jealousy is a strange thing.

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Whenever I see a poster state, "I did x objectionable to me personally act in order to save my relationship, or some version of hang on to my partner", it screams of a terrible relationship at its core where one partner holds all the cards and all the power and the other is learning the hard way that selling your soul to hang on to a relationship isn't worth it and comes with horrible consequences.

 

OP, the threesome thing is more like a wake up call for you. Don't get fixated on that because you have much deeper and more serious issues going on. Take a step back and take a really long hard look at your life, your marriage, your relationship at large. Don't focus on the symptom or curing the symptom, figure out what the actual disease is. Time for you to evaluate where you stand and how to take back some personal power in your life.

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From what I see, your husband and your "best friend" were eyeing each other up for sometime now. She has been an emotional support to him?

 

Bull..they've been getting close behind your back.

 

This to me, looks all like a ruse for them to have sex and you okay it.

 

Both of them need to be ashamed of themselves for tricking you this way. You need to end the marriage and the friendship. I don't say that lightly either.

 

The both betrayed you.

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I mean... if you were for real just sitting at the edge of the bed crying and raging, that's not a threesome. I'm not sure how even the most open minded among us could spin that. It honestly would have been 1000x more respectful had they just met in private and got sweaty with just the two of them. And that's not me condoning it. That's just how ****ty what they did was.

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lol, the vast majority of people can't have threesomes......that's like cheating.

 

Can this relationship survive? - some people can get over it, others can't. You'll just have to see. If you can get over it, it will have to stop. And he has to cut contact with the other woman. Keep going to counseling.

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