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Thread: Threesome went bad now I feel he cheated on me

  1. #11
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    Who suggested your best friend?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Married10444
    Thanks Bluecastle for your insight. Your response of having me see a different scenario if he just asked to try something new sexually between us only is helping me calm down a bit. In the scenario you described above I know I wonít have the strong emotions right now, I would have just viewed as we tried something new between us and it didnít work so we wonít do it again.

    My emotional pain now is because of what I saw during our third person threesome that went horribly wrong. Plus we have the additional issue of his emotional relationship with my best friend and his lack of remorse and/regret about his actions that night.

    Well see how counseling goes. Yes we do have other issues which along with this major one to me we are trying to address. Again thanks for your input and giving me a different/fresh perspective to reflect on.
    Calm is good. Helps us think clearly, see things clearly, while also feeling what we need to feel.

    Per some other commentsómaew's in particularóI think the pain about "what you saw" may be more connected to "what you felt" during that moment. I don't want to be alarmist, since only you know the specifics of the relationship between your friend, you, and your husband, but it sounds awfully charged and blurry, in a way where you maybe don't have confidence of the emotional hierarchy between you guys. Without that confidence, the physical stuff becomes super magnified, and I do wonder if your instinct to call all this cheating is because that was instinct you had been nursing and suppressing about them before the clothes came off. Maybe not physical, but emotional...

    Probably best to have some distance with the friend right now, for both of you, as you keep working through this. Have any steps in that direction been taken?

  3. #13
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I may get slammed here, but (imo) this is just a clever and glorified way to cheat. OP, what were you thinking when you gave your consent to be a part of this?

    Either way, hopefully you'll find a way to repair the damage to your marriage.

  4. #14
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    OP, I have to agree with a couple other posters here who suggested that your husband was already inappropriately involved with your best friend before this, and this was simply their way of consummating that without technically "cheating." I say that as someone who has on occasion participated in three-way dalliances, too. If all parties are enthusiastic participants and boundaries are clearly defined beforehand, and the third party is carefully chosen, it can work and be enjoyable. The way you and your husband went about this, though, has me seriously raising an eyebrow.

    There are serious red flags all over this: him repeatedly asking you to do something you didn't want to do, the fact that your best friend is his support system, and the fact that he had an "emotional connection" during the act with her. He has feelings for her, as I'm sure you're now realizing. My guess is you don't know the half of it, either, unfortunately.

    Whose idea was it to ask your best friend? Where is she in all of this now? Are you still communicating with her, and more importantly, is he? (that you know of)

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  6. #15
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    I seem to have a different perspective on this ?

    I think itís ok that the husband asked a third time. Some people need a little coaxing into what ultimately they might enjoy.
    But likewise it would have been ok for the OP to say no.
    She didnít to ďsave her marriageĒ
    But what marriage problems were present? A tgreesome is obviously not a good idea and doomed to fail if the marriage isnít in a good place to begin with. Why did the OP not suggest counseling at that point? Or prior.

    A threesome is 3 way generally meaning all 3 are interacting not two and one watching.
    Yet the OP didnít interact and watched. Yes of course the other parties should have made more of an effort to include her but itís not like she wasnít welcome to include herself.

    Another thing is that if someone agrees to a threesome for the first time , the third party should be unknown to them or at least relatively unknown. In case jealousy arises.

    It was a bad idea to involve a friend.
    People seem to think the husband decided on the third party but maybe the OP can clarify that?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. No one has to have a threesome or condone cheating in order to "save their marriage". It's unfortunate your husband is doing this. Privately and confidentially see a therapist, do not do joint or marriage therapy. Do not tell your husband about it. Lose this "friend".

    Do not threaten divorce. Instead privately consult an attorney discuss your option and get your ducks in a row. Be stealth and find a way out of this mess. Stop discussing anything with your husband especially your feelings (he doesn't care).

    Stop having sex with him. Ask him to sleep in another room. Create a peaceful space for reflection to sort out this chaos.
    Originally Posted by Married10444
    he and my friend started to have intimacy (oral sex and full blown sex, etc..), I was in shock, angry and cried while watching my husband get sexual with another person front of my eyes).

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    No one has to have a threesome or condone cheating in order to "save their marriage".

    Agreed!

    It's unfortunate your husband is doing this.

    He didnít do it without permission or behind the Opís Back.

    Privately and confidentially see a therapist, do not do joint or marriage therapy. Do not tell your husband about it. Lose this "friend".

    The ďfriendĒ was invited. She just didnít know what she was being invited into .


    Do not threaten divorce. Instead privately consult an attorney discuss your option and get your ducks in a row. Be stealth and find a way out of this mess. Stop discussing anything with your husband especially your feelings (he doesn't care).

    The husband doesnít necessarily not care. Perhaps misunderstanding. He is going to counselling with her which most people would assume he does care.

    Stop having sex with him. Ask him to sleep in another room. Create a peaceful space for reflection to sort out this chaos.

    Perhaps not having sex was what led to this suggestion?
    The husband is certainly painted in a bad light here.
    But after 20 years of marriage and the OP being ok with it that long. Is a threesome gone wrong really the issue?

  9. #18
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What is quoted above is not my post. My actual post #16 was a direct conversation with the original poster.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What is quoted above is not my post. My actual post #16 was a direct conversation with the original poster.
    Sorry!! Iím still clueless as to how to intermittently respond and quote!?
    To others read between the lines please?

  11. #20
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    OK...well I think it's a tricky situation and maybe more information is needed...I do think it's wrong that after your husband asked you twice to have a threesome and you said "no", that he kept asking. That is pushy and coercive. Although the third time you did agree and you didn't say "no". So could there be a possibility that he actually thought that you decided you were OK with it and happy to go ahead the third time? Or had you let your feelings more known and your husband just ignored how you felt?

    What was the reason you had chosen your best friend? Did your husband suggest her? I think it's probably always better to maybe find a third person for a threesome online or at a swingers party. But at the lack of finding someone on those avenues and also for safety reasons (strangers may have sexually transmitted diseases, be weird, etc.), I can see why choosing your best friend may have seemed like an option.

    It's sort of hard to know whether your husband genuinely wanted to cheat or did he really just want a threesome just as a sex fantasy? I say this because I've had many threesome and I am interested in doing more. I'm in a monogamous relationship and both my fiance and I are interested in having a threesome. It's not to cheat but just to enjoy ourselves sexually. We would not see anyone outside of a threesome scenario, we have a rule about that.

    Regarding your husband and friend doing something for fifteen minutes and you watched. Well that is not necessarily wrong just in and of itself as far as threesome go. It's a bit difficult from a technical perspective for three people to be having sex with each other at the same time. So sometimes you take turns doing things and one person watches. How long the person watches really just depends on the situation.

    The problem I do see with all this though is that your husband was pressuring you to have the threesome and he didn't seem to care how you felt. He has to respect that you did not want it and he shouldn't have pushed. Now that he knows how horrible you felt, yes he should feel bad that he forced you into it. And if he suggested your best friend himself then yes he may be involved with her already or he was already into her/attracted to her.

    But there may also be possibility that he did just want the threesome as a fun sexual experience and didn't realise the repercussions.

    I mean I don't really know the situation so just giving different perspectives.

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