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Thread: Acod

  1. #1

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    Acod

    Hi,
    My name is Heather. My parents are getting a divorce after 30years together. I'm 30 by the way. Don't know what to think yet but it has only been a week since i found out. Never saw this coming, never thought it would ever be my parents...my family dealing with this. To what i knew everything was great. My dad is with another woman and yes he cheated on my mom and possibly with other women. The more my sister and mom dig the more things are unearthed. Multiple bank accounts, no money, bankruptcy etc.. Just so you know my dad took care of everything, he was the rock, the solid one, the everything in everything. I don't know what happened. Dad is a workaholic as well and Dad, Mom and sis work at the same place. My mom and sis talk more than me and my mom which is not a bad thing. Apparently they both have questioned my dad in the last year and his response was always... come on...really..you guys are listening to rumors..you are listening to a bunch of bull crap etc etc... I did start noticing about 4-5 months ago that something wasn't right when i would go home and visit. I asked my sis first what was up with mom. She said dad working too much and she wants him to be at home more and she did mention something about rumors at work and women giving her a hard time about dad looking and touching other women. My sis then said mom gets worked up in her head and never to believe the crappy people down there. Decided to ask my dad another day about why mom seems so edgy. He said kind of the same thing my sis said and even gave examples of why mom would think he is with someone else and explained why she would think so. The rumors at work started to get out i guess and it becomes a small world. Anyways mom eventually found out. I met with him the other day and lets just say i know now i will never hear him admit to the things he has done. He just gave reasons why for this or that instead of just coming out about what is wrong and what has been going on. My dad has always been tough get over it type of guy and will always be Mr. solid one. I guess I'm looking for help on if something started to go wrong in my dads mind why wouldn't he ask for help, why didn't he mention something to mom and communicate and make everything okay a long time ago. Especially the money part, he always took care of everything and now no money nothing? How is my dad able to hold this all in, he doesn't have to be Mr. perfect right now. My mom cant afford to be on her own and here i am not knowing what the hell to do or think so I'm not doing anything and feel sick to my stomach every day wondering if half our lives was something else. I'm questioning my relationship, I'm questioning marriage I'm questioning everything in my life right now. I'm sure people prob think I'm a pansy but i never in a million years thought this would ever happen. What do i do ,what is the right thing to do, is there anything i can do, what about money what about everything. This isn't my life this isn't my life, its just a nightmare. sis and mom so hateful which they have a reason to be but why is my dad acting like oh well and i truly think he will carry it to his grave..why why. he said he wont get a divorce and said mom can either move out or get a divorce but he will not to both. He said why would i just throw away what we have had for 30 years and he knows mom is not able to move out on her own. He did tell her that there is no money but there are so many reason why but not the truth.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    My advice, donít get involved. It is their relationship.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member kalikat's Avatar
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    So sorry you are going thru this mess. And it's impossible to turn your back when it's your parents going thru the craziness.

    When I was 35, my mom decided to divorce my dad. Completely out of nowhere! There was no affair, nothing like that. But I can understand the "shock" you are feeling. And questioning your own relationships, etc. People think that you can handle it better when you are an adult. Nope - it just pulls up a whole bunch of other questions and doubts.

    If your dad has always been strong & the provider, there is no way he is going to admit to anyone his failures. It just isn't in him to do that. Honestly - the more you ask him the more anxiety it will create.
    So let go of the "why" (as hard as that may be). Instead, try to focus on the "what now". You won't be able to fix anything. But if they listen to you, maybe you can lead them to getting either personal counseling or financial counseling. Some professional that can at least make sure they dont completely fall to pieces.

    You can't fix it, and you shouldn't try to carry their burden for them. But maybe you can be the voice of reason for them

  4. #4
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    Pair up with your sister to help your Mom.

    In time, your Mom will tell you what she needs.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Consider some short term therapy to come to terms with all this particularly your father's duplicitous life. It's important not to take sides or get too involved. Do not be a therapist to either of your parents or any of your siblings. Let them confide a bit, but stay out of the line of fire as much as possible.

    The best things your mother can do is immediately get an attorney to guide her through the logistics and a therapist to guide her through the emotional end of things. Keep reiterating this rather than get stuck in the middle. There's a lot you don't know and never will about the underpinnings of a marriage.
    Originally Posted by hegreg01
    Hi,
    My dad is with another woman and yes he cheated on my mom and possibly with other women. The more my sister and mom dig the more things are unearthed. Multiple bank accounts, no money, bankruptcy etc.. This isn't my life this isn't my life, its just a nightmare.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    That's some great advice from the others and especially agree with Wiseman and Seraphim. It's not for you to determine who's right or wrong but I can imagine how difficult this is especially if you see your mum left out or hurt by your dad's words. I'm very sorry this is happening. Is your husband supportive and are you able to talk to him about what's going on? Those open lines of communication could mean the difference between feeling lonely/confused and supported/secure in your place in your marriage and also stabilize you in your times of need.

    We cannot always be strong. This is what family is for. Don't lose faith in your marriage or your husband. Use this as a reason to become closer. You shouldn't be afraid to talk about your fears in your marriage. If you think that your father wasn't able to speak to your mother about a lot of things, don't allow yourself to follow in those footsteps. Create a different reality for yourself and believe in your marriage. I think that's the closest thing to you that can restore your faith in humanity and help ground you during this difficult time. Your nucleus is also your immediate family with your husband, not your family with your mum and dad anymore. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. You can't know all the answers at once either of why people behave the way they do. Just return back to your husband and open those communication lines, spend time with each other.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    My advice, donít get involved. It is their relationship.
    ^^AGREED. Stay out of their marital problems. Most of us don't know our parents nearly as well as we think we do. And that's natural. We have an image of them as parents, as providers, as support. We don't often think of them as just flawed people that had a past before us, dreams before us, and maybe disappointments after us. And even when we DO take these things into account, no one ever knows another person completely- All their thoughts, fears, worries, stresses, coping mechanisms.

    Your Dad is clearly a much more complex and frustrated individual than you either realized, admitted or both.
    Additionally, most kids don't know everything about their parents relationship/marriage. Marriages, especially long term ones, are very complicated and often have secrets (small or large)- whether we discover them or not. You just happened to discover your Dad's.

    Do NOT lose faith in your own marriage. No two marriages are the same, because no two people and no two relationships are the same. As someone else suggested, if there's anything positive to take from this- use this a a cautionary tale to always communicate with your husband and talk things through. Little problems that go unacknowledged become big problems. It sounds like perhaps your Dad was so focused on work and being the "provider" and "rock", that he cracked under the pressure. I'm NOT condoning cheating, just saying that I understand how it could happen.

    I know how easy it can be to judge someone for doing something that appears unworthy of them. I will say that based on everything you said, IMVHO, it really sounds like the classic - He felt overwhelmed and not in control of his life and these others things were his way of trying to gain some control, maybe even danger or excitement. Of course, he didn't handle it well and clearly made some big mistakes. I know it's hard, but try not to take sides- You don't know everything that has gone on in their marriage.

    DO NOT make yourself your Mom's psychiatrist and try not to "work out" anything for her. You also don't need to be your Dad's judge, jury and executioner. Once she has all the facts, it's HER decision what to do. She may choose to divorce OR she may surprise you and decide to stay with him. (cheating isn't necessarily a deal-breaker for everyone) And if that is her choice, she will need your support, too.

    Coming to the realization that our parents are not perfect people or spouses (or that maybe they aren't who we thought they were) can be shocking. Take a minute and breathe, but do NOT get involved in the drama of it all. Mom and Dad need to sort this out themselves.


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