Am I too needy or is he being unfair and distant?

Hi. Ive been seeing a guy for maybe 2 months now and suddenly feel very anxious about him distancing himself and not showing affection.

Our first date we met up and went for a hike and ended up going out for drinks and going to dinner and after that we made plans to go hiking or even go camping and going to the movies. We spent a lot of quality time together. I would say compared to most people we really got along well and enjoyed each others company and it seemed we were on the same page. We mostly agreed how nice it was to have someone who loved to go on adventures together and he seemed to want to see me all the time. We spent maybe every other day together, but I tried to be cautious and hold back because I knew he was out of a long term relationship 6 months before. He also seemed to be a little inconstant with his affection so I tried to jut splay it cool and figured if he always wanted to see me it was a good thing and we should just take it slow anyway.

Last week we spent two days straight together and it was really great and sweet and the next day he mentioned seeing me after work in a text. I said Id like to see him too and let me know. I didn't hear from him till late and told him not to worry about meeting up if it was too late. But I wish he had just communicated that. I felt like it turned into a small argument and he seemed to not even realize we had plans... Which I guess we're tentative. I think I just got bothered more because his feelings didnt match mine and he didnt want to see me. I felt really uneasy and told him I felt uneasy and started apologizing. Even though in some way he did blow me off?

The next day I went out with a friend and started drinking and he met up with me at the bar and I drank too much and he ended up leaving with me and driving me home. However he just dropped me off. It felt really cold. So I felt suddenly from the night before and that night that he didnt want to be with me. It was just a big jump to the person that said they always wanted to see me. SO I drunk texted him that it wasn't working out and I think we are on different pages and I want to feel like I can be loving and show affection and I have to hold back and I feel dumb when I try to show affection or be cute with him. which I do. He didnt want to have the conversation on text when drunk (obviously). I passed out and the next day he was sending me texts trying to make sure i felt okay and promised me everything was okay and he understands...But still what I said was not addressed at all? SO confusing. Since then he has gone out and not texted me back at night. Last night I invited him over and he didnt respond.

Today after I texted him too many times to make sure he wa okay I asked if I should leave him alone. He responded "wha? don't leave me alone! Sorry I got drunk last night ad my phone is acting up again." Anyway....I was so upset all last night and then it just seems like no big deal? I can tell he is avoiding me but then when he texts me he acts like everything is cool... He also told me last week he might be moving away...So there is that too....I really dont know if I should break things off or take a chill pill some how. Thanks for listening...

it cn be hard but i am not sure what to say that will help u but go with ur heart it can be hard but u are right to not sure where to go with this but honestly just go with what u think and how much do u love this guy if u love him loads just tell him how u feel if not then u know what to do

keep ur chin up ok things might be hard but got with what u think u should do

Thank you for the reply. I hate confusion. I think I like him more than he likes me and that might be why he is pulling away and I am making it obvious. I dont know. I am hoping we can talk but I dont know what to say. He knows how much I like him. He hasn't been able to express that to me in the same way. He holds my hand and can be very sweet but he is definitely holding back with a lot and it is hard for me. But I have read that it takes longer for men to feel those stronger feelings? Should I wait it out and hold back more? If he is moving away I should probably not sped time with him anyway.

not sure perhaps just tell him how u feel be honest and remeber that men cant mind read tell him how u feel

I guess according to you, a guy you're dating always has to be in a good, up mood, shower you with attention at all times, never need lone time, and essentially never deviate from his usual pattern, lest you feel anxious, insecure, and begin bombarding him with texts, lashing out accusing him of not being on the same page and break up with him?

Is this about right?

That's what it sounds like to me, what your behavior as you posted above suggests.

I literally cringed when you sent that text seeking reassurance and suggesting you break up.

Girl, you had just spent a close, intimate two days with him!

Let the guy have a breather for goodness sakes; it sounds to me like he's really liking you, starting to feel close, and needs a bit of time to process, which is quite normal for many guys.

You let your anxiety drive this ship and you over-reacted.

Bless his heart, even after you got drunk, and broke up with him,, he's texting you the next day making sure you're ok and reassuring you!

Yeah I'd say this guy is VERY into you!

What I think is happening is feelings are developing for both of you, you're both getting close, perhaps even falling in love and this is scaring the crap out of both of you.

Causing him to "pull back" just a tad to process his feelings and what's happening, and causing you to feel anxious and insecure.

Try to relax! Become flexible to the changing nuances, and learn to manage your anxiety during times like this, and not by drinking!

That will just cause you to over-react, cause drama, exactly like what happened here.

Yoga helps me with that a lot! Or sometimes I go for a run.

Just don't get drunk and lash out at your boyfriend cause that will get old for him real fast!!

I think both of you got your wires crossed (miscommunication).

It sounds like too much drama.

Start fresh and with a clean slate.

Don't keep rehashing the past over and over again with him.

Give each other space and time. Then meet up in person and talk it out. Don't go back 'n forth texting because it's impersonal and again, writing is a lot different than an in person dialogue. I would limit texting since many relationships tend to thrive better when communication is mostly in person or talking on the phone. Get some straight answers listening to his voice in person or on the phone. Then take it from there.

I think both of you got your wires crossed (miscommunication).

 

It sounds like too much drama.

 

Start fresh and with a clean slate.

 

Don't keep rehashing the past over and over again with him.

 

Give each other space and time. Then meet up in person and talk it out. Don't go back 'n forth texting because it's impersonal and again, writing is a lot different than an in person dialogue. I would limit texting since many relationships tend to thrive better when communication is mostly in person or talking on the phone. Get some straight answers listening to his voice in person or on the phone. Then take it from there.

I agree -how did you show your appreciation for him going out of his way for you when you decided to get drunk?

You are allowing your anxiety to control your dating life.

You either have to get it under control and learn to self soothe or be single.

Your actions are not conducive with successfully dating though. Healthy men will eventually tire of the drama and toxic men will latch on and well it won’t end well.

I just want to thank everyone who responded. Im so bad at dating and giving people space. I know this isn't an excuse but I am PMSing and everything feels magnified x100. He really does not say sweet things or act as sweet as what I am used to but he does show sweetness in other ways. I think I acted really unreasonable and I am lucky he is being understanding. I really wanted reassurance and he wasn't giving me any but then again he says he wants to hang out and see me and its not like he ignores me for days...Just at night he will go off the gird and it drives me crazy but as a few of you said, I need to learn to self soothe and not depend on anyone. Its crazy how I will feel like a strong confident woman when Im single and then I meet someone I like and I lose it. Maybe I need to read some self help books and be more aware because I know its messed up a lot of relationships. I can't thank all of you enough for responding. I think it actually helped me reach out to him in a calmer rational manner and I feel like we are maybe okay for the moment. He told me today he is happy with how things are and that he likes hearing from me and seeing me and that he has never said anything negative about the two of us. I guess it is me over analyzing things? He is definitely a flake in many ways but I can deal with that for now.

Next time you're PMSing, turn everything OFF to play it safe. Then when you're finished PMSing, you think think clearly and rationally without being needy, clingy and insecure.

If she shows his sweetness in other ways, be grateful for it. Not everyone is as sweet as you'd like. Appreciate the sweetness he is willing to give and leave it at that.

He is understanding. Most guys are not that giving when it comes to understanding and having compassion.

If he's off the grid for a few days, do the same and give yourself a break. Relentless back 'n forth texting is a time trap. People can't get anything done if they're glued to their phones 24 / 7.

Be strong and confident even in a relationship because it makes you tough and secure plus it's very attractive, too.

If he's happy with how things are, he likes hearing from you, seeing you and never said anything negative about both of you, then don't create drama when there isn't any. Yes, you're over analyzing things which is unnecessary.

Hopefully his goodness outweighs his flakiness. Appreciate everything good about him and if the good outweighs the bad, you're lucky.

Thank You so much for that beautiful advice. I actually joked to him about hiding away for a week every month. I think it is actually legitimate though. Would save a lot of confusion. I got so worked up emotionally this weekend I feel exhausted. I dont want to do that to anyone or myself. I will really try to work on finding peace in the good things and not feeling anxious about what I can't control. That could be a whole other thread but I am wondering how common it is for people to have that the of anxiety like I do and how to work on it.. Thank You!

Just slow down and back up a bit. Get more involved with your own life and interests so everyone has room to breathe. Only plan for confirmed solid plans not. "let's see" type comments. Relax it's going well. It takes a while to get to know each other and each other's communication styles.

There are ways to deal with your PMS that don't require you to hide away. It can be managed with diet, getting enough rest, and exercise. Search online or ask your doctor for healthy ways to limit the effects of PMS.

For example, I load up on leafy greens, seafood such as tuna and sardines and salmon and cereal with raisins in it because iron has shown to minimize the effect of the hormonal level changes that come with PMS. I no longer irrationally snap at people.

Give it a try!

is he being unfair and distant?

I tried to be cautious and hold back because I knew he was out of a long term relationship 6 months before. He also seemed to be a little inconstant with his affection so I tried to jut splay it cool and figured if he always wanted to see me it was a good thing and we should just take it slow anyway.

- Your intuition is correct. He's on the rebound, which means he has not healed from the breakup/past relationship and is not ready to love another again.

All you can do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start dating others and try to find a replacement. In time, you will get over him.

Thank You so much for that beautiful advice. I actually joked to him about hiding away for a week every month. I think it is actually legitimate though. Would save a lot of confusion. I got so worked up emotionally this weekend I feel exhausted. I dont want to do that to anyone or myself. I will really try to work on finding peace in the good things and not feeling anxious about what I can't control. That could be a whole other thread but I am wondering how common it is for people to have that the of anxiety like I do and how to work on it.. Thank You!

Bolded -- I realize you were joking with him, but is he hiding away for a week every month, or are you?

If he is, then that would cause any woman anxiety imo.

If you are, may I ask why?

Title of your thread asks if you're too needy, hiding away for a week every month is the opposite of needy, it's too distant.

Takes steps to control PMS symtoms. Eating the right foods, lots of exercise, there is no reason why you should be allowing your PMS to have such a negative impact on your relationship.

After reading all that transpired I am surprised he's still contacting you. I don't mean to be blunt but you dodged the bullet on this one and by the sounds of it, you caught yourself in time and going forward will work on redirecting your anxiety so as to not scare him off in the future.

Next time call a friend or come here before you act impulsively.

I dated someone who triggered my anxiety in the early stages. When I felt like you did, I deleted his number and all our call/text history and went for a walk instead. I knew I could always find the number in my online phone bill if I had to. But sometimes I didn't trust myself. He always called and I felt silly each time. But it broke me of the habit pretty quickly. Or at least the temptation, because in the meantime there wasn't anything I could do about it.

Nobody can keep up the same intensity that starts off a relationship. People need to relax back into their real lives outside of the relationship bubble. Do you have enough friends, interests and goals to keep you focused on living your own life? If not, there's no time like the present to build yourself UP and cultivate your own autonomy. This will diffuse your intensity and prevent you from focusing like a laser beam on every little nuance in a new partner.

Head high, and tone it down.