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Thread: Onward.

  1. #101
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    Your past wasn't pointless or wasted time. It made you this person right here. The one with the raging fire inside her.

    Either way, I like what I hear. Proud of ya.

  2. #102
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    Thanks LW. I really am trying my best. I've been working really hard. This week alone I have racked up 20 hours of OT. My job is really physical so it's a lot of work but I'm planning to cut back a little once I start working my 2nd job. This 2nd job is more of a supervisor position and a lot of chart work so I'll be able to give my body a rest.

    Right now I'm on my last shift on the week. Looking forward to a break.

  3. #103
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    I am wondering if it's possible to have found "your person" but not have it be romantic? Because I think I'm realizing, I think I found that. I've found true, non judgemental, unconditional, familial love. It's unlike anything I've experienced before. I feel as though a void in me has disappeared. I've found kinship in someone who is also quite similar to me but different in ways that matter.

    Sorry, it's hard to put into words...I don't expect anyone to really get it. I've gone into great detail with my therapist and she thinks it's wonderful.

  4. #104
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I would respond to this with a resounding yes. I’d also say I’m not sure if a non-romantic “your person” means there is no romantic version, be it someone you meet next week or in 20 years.

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  6. #105
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    I suppose. Although I am not open at all, actually I am closed. I am not dating, open to dating, and I shut down flirting attempts. I also will not flirt with anyone. I want to be left alone. I'm just solidly a "no" at this point. I'm tired of meeting people's families and having to make serious concessions and basically sacrifice my life and dreams for someone else. For what? Out of love? What exactly do I get out of this?

  7. #106
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hear you.

    I recall, from hanging at the periphery of your journal, that you ended a relationship not so long ago. If that's closed the door for a bit—be "a bit" the next year or the next 50—all good. Just the way I view all this stuff.

    I also, for what it's worth, don't think romantic partnership has to mean sacrificing your life and dreams for someone else. I couldn't go there, wouldn't anyone going there for me. Could there be a model where the rocket ship that is one person compliments the rocket ship that is another, expanding the journey more than contracting it? So what you "get" out of it is a wider universe and more interstellar exploration?

    I'd like to think so. Have found that platonically, and imagine it can be similar romantically.

  8. #107
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    I ended the relationship early this year, after considering ending it for at least a year prior, so I suppose it's rather fresh, doesn't feel that way. But it's different for me this time. I've been in LTRs (live in with 2) and usually move on quickly and ready for something else. I moved on every quickly from this one, not hung up at all, but I just felt an overwhelming sense of "f__ this, I am not doing this again!". And it's still there.

    Since having my cousin come into my life and having us get close, it's been wonderful. I feel like I've really been blossoming. I've been losing more weight, even with not much effort, and I feel better on the inside. I don't feel any longing, loneliness, or feeling of disconnection. To connect with a family member in a very deep, meaningful way and to feel loved unconditionally by someone who has a lot in common with me, it's indescribable.

    He has been a bachelor for a long time and the same things that I've written here, he has expressed to me. We get on so well and I think the platonic but familiar relation is beneficial for us both.

    But dating? That just takes so much time and effort. And maybe it's something I don't want to expend anymore on. Maybe I'd rather spend that time with my family and other things.

    I've done a lot of soul searching and the truth of the matter is that I'd rather just masturbate/use toys on myself and spend my free time with my family and cousin, and continue to develop those relationships... Than to waste time on dating someone who I will not have such a deep connection with. There are only so many hours in a day and I'd rather spend them where they matter.

    Additionally, I am not interested in marriage or being a stepmother. Let's be real, I'm 30 years old, and the older I get, the more that the dating pool gets filled with single dads. I would rather be single forever than date a guy with a kid.

  9. #108
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Fudgie
    Since having my cousin come into my life and having us get close, it's been wonderful. I feel like I've really been blossoming. I've been losing more weight, even with not much effort, and I feel better on the inside. I don't feel any longing, loneliness, or feeling of disconnection. To connect with a family member in a very deep, meaningful way and to feel loved unconditionally by someone who has a lot in common with me, it's indescribable.
    This is so wonderful. Sounds like you're in a great place, life-wise. Me, I'd just be leaning into all that, letting it take you where it takes you, without even fretting about what dating would or could look like at 30, at 35, at 50. It's always optional, never mandatory. I long ago departed from anything "normal" in terms of all that, so I'm sure my bias is coming through.

    Happy for you! Be it platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever, I am a diehard believer that human connection is what the business of living is all about. Best part is, we all get to create our own rules.

  10. #109
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    Thanks bluecastle. You're right - I should just lean into it and see what happens. I really am in a good place right now, outside of some work stress.

  11. #110
    Platinum Member Fudgie's Avatar
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    I got into graduate school. I'll be working towards a masters.

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