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Thread: I lied to her about my feelings and I need some help

  1. #1

    I lied to her about my feelings and I need some help

    Hey!

    She is one of my best friends (both 18, I'm soon turning 19, we've just finished high school), and the relationship topic came up, and she told me that se doesn't want anything more from me than a friendship, but that she really does. I told her neither do I. I lied. I ing lied. I've been honest with everyone in my life but the words just couldn't come out of my mouth. I somehow grew some emotions towards her, we care for each other, have a similar way of thinking about things and can joke around about anything. I just fell in love in her personality over time. I don't know what to do. I do know for a fact as an experience that in this young age, people change a lot in a relatively short amount of time, so do their feelings towards others. I just hope I can change the way she looks at me, I helped her through some really tough times, she used to be shamed by her so called friends, has anxiety issues and has a really hard time opening up to anyone, let alone speak in front of others about anything, even a small speech in class is rough for her, she failed to get into the university she was dreaming about (Southampton UK) and also a few short but abusive relationships she had does not help.

    I'm so protective about her, I want to be sure that this girl is okay and won't do anything stupid. She has some awesome traits, has strong opinions on things and is extremely talented at drawing and painting, which she loves to do. She loves watching series and introduced me to Black Mirror and The Handmaid's Tale, which I'm forever grateful for, I would have never even started watching anything unless she told me to do it, I won't regret that, which I didn't.

    She was kind of rejected in class, other than her two real friends, no one really liked her and was just thinking about as a social media maniac who is addicted to coffe (neither of this is true). In the last half year, I at least managed to talk sense into some people and change the way the look at her and treat her as a breathing human being.

    She will be skipping one year and try to apply for Southampton again and take the Math higher level matura exam again to have better chances. We both live in Hungary and if she does succeed, she will move to the UK in a year and a few months, which means we won't really have any physical contact for a year. She will be studying architecture and I'm starting my studies in a few months in Computer Science here at Budapest University of Technology. We both imagine our future in an English-speaking country, but not in Hungary for several reasons (mostly both of us and the majority of young hate living in this country, and I want to work in either space or gamedev, none of this could be found here).

    So after this "brief" introduction, I'd like to ask for your opinions, or what you think about this. In 2 weeks, the class will have a banquet, on which I'm planning to give her a letter (handwritten), and write down some thoughts about her, wish her good luck, and write some of her favourite quotes from the mentioned series and just draw a white bear symbol on the envelope from the Black Mirror episode of the same name. I won't mention my feelings, don't write anything which can relate to me loving her, I'm just trying to change her mind indirectly and convince her that I could be a good boyfriend of her. I previously had a 1.5 year long relationship, so I do know what love feels like, and what does it mean and require to be in a relationship. I think she will appreciate the effort as she's always talking about how social media alienates people and how texting is not the same as traditional ways of communication. So this letter would be a wrap-up of what I think about her and some advices from now on as high school ended. I know that one day I will have to open up and tell her that I have feelings towards her, but I think I can better my chances of not getting outright rejected.

    Please note that I'm not her friend only to date her or hook up, it started in a different way. I care for this girl more than I care for a friend, she is amazing and sometimes I just want to hug her and tell her 'I love you'. I have one year to tell her after she said she doesn't see my as a potential boyfriend, and I'd like to ask for your opinions about this. At least I am going to admit to her that I lied when I said I don't have feelings either, no matter her response before she leaves. I think it will drive me crazy if I ahve to keep this a secret in front of her for too long, but I value this friendship a lot, it's too good to be thrown away becuase of my stupid feelings.

    Thanks for your help in advance

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why not simply ask her to go to the banquet/on a date? Try not to make this overly complicated. Do not give her a letter. It may make you appear cowardly or creepy. If you both want to stay in touch after graduation, why not follow each other on social media?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You seem to care about her but your emphasis on helping her develop herself and feeling the need to make her feel better about herself seems over the top and a little unnecessary. Check out "white knight syndrome". She's her own person and you're coming across as overbearing and a bit desperate and strange despite your good intentions. If you are interested in dating her, cut out the hero mentality and go straight to the point. Ask her out. I wouldn't suggest a long-winded letter that says a lot but nothing at all.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by throwingin
    I just hope I can change the way she looks at me, I helped her through some really tough times, she used to be shamed by her so called friends, has anxiety issues and has a really hard time opening up to anyone, let alone speak in front of others about anything, even a small speech in class is rough for her, she failed to get into the university she was dreaming about (Southampton UK) and also a few short but abusive relationships she had does not help.
    Nuh uh. It doesn't work this way. You don't get a say in how others feel about you, no matter what your actions are. In fact, sometimes too much of a good thing can be a hindrance, causing things to not be balanced. It sounds like you were a great friend - but since you have feelings that is probably not going to last, unfortunately. Friendships like this are really great but often have an expiration date. Just because something doesn't last, doesn't take away its value though.

    You aren't throwing it away, but you really have only two options here. You continue lying to your friend and every encounter will be colored by the uneven feelings, or you tell her you do wish to date her (you got scared before - no big deal) and see if she is open to that transition under that knowledge. If she still says no, you should do the nobler thing of letting her go. It will be best for both of you in the long run.

    Don't waste too much time trying to be friends with someone you are in love with. I have little about my past I would change, but those scenarios I would certainly make different choices. Because eventually I lost those friendships anyway, and in all that time I could have been developing myself and dating other more compatible people who DID care about me that way. Instead, I held myself back trying to save something that couldn't be saved.

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  6. #5
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    "She is one of my best friends (both 18, I'm soon turning 19, we've just finished high school), and the relationship topic came up, and she told me that se doesn't want anything more from me than a friendship, but that she really does."

    How do you know she really does?


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