Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 46

Thread: Family relationships

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    14

    Family relationships

    Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I need some advice on how to handle a situation.

    My brother and I didn't speak for 6 years. He assualted me and refused to apologise.Then one day out of the blue he called me and apologised. Said he and his partner were trying for a baby and we should patch things up because of it.

    I'm 43 and don't want kids - my partner and I are childfree (not childless).

    Anyway, he contacted me in August to say they'd gone through IVF and by September they were pregnant. I met him in October, he apologised for how he'd behaved six years ago. I live quite far away from him so we now started to have sporadic phone calls and occasional whatsapp messages. His partner whatsapped me all her scan photos when she was pregnant.

    My nephew was born a few weeks ago and I'm thrilled for them and love my nephew. However, they are constantly sending me photos and videos of the baby through whatsapp. It's just photos and videos with no message - no 'how are you?' It feels very one sidded. I know new parents can be obsessed, but I'm not obsessed and I actually find it an intrutsion into my life. I'm not jealous because as I said we are childfree by choice and have a great life. We don't want children. I don't hate kids, but I am not they type of person that is obsessed with kids. I am not child focused. I prefer animals.
    How can I deal with this situation without alienating them?
    They seem to expect my life to now revolve around their child.

    In addition, I've been with my partner for 11 years. We're very happy as we are and don't want to marry. We don't see the point and don't really believe in marriage. It's not for us, but we can be happy for others who do want to marry. However, we believe in the right not to marry. My brother'spartner is referring to my partner as 'uncle' , but he doesn't want to be referred to as uncle. He doesn't view himself as an uncle to this child.

    What is going on in this situation?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    33,303
    Gender
    Male
    They are family oriented and you two are not. It's that simple. Keep it sporadic and casual and maintain boundaries. Try not to feel offended if the brother's partner calls your partner "uncle".

    She is not guilty of the family drama and may not know the extent of your intense anti-marriage stance and may be trying to be 'accepting' toward you and your partner. Obviously she is happy about welcoming a child into the world, even if you two do not desire this.

    Lighten up. Tell the curmudgeon bf to lighten up about titles. When the kid is ready he can call your bf by his first name if that's what he wants.

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    14
    Just because he doesn't want to be referred to as 'uncle' doesn't make him a 'curmudgeon'.
    It's not about the kid calling him uncle either. It's about the kids mum insisting on calling him that. He probably won't build up any type of relationship with this child as we live far away and he doesn't travel to my home town with me very often.
    Plus, I wouldn't say we have an 'intense' anti-marriage stance. We just believe in the right not to marry.
    My brother and his partner are not married either and my brother is 40 so it was a long time coming for him to decide to have a kid. They had to undergo IVF and so on.

    Also, I am happy about welcoming my nephew into the world too.

    My issue is the constant whatsapp photos and videos that come everyday with no message.It is totally one-sided. We are bombarded.
    They are totally baby obsessed, whereas we have limited interest.

    I am looking for a way to communicate this without offending them.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    33,303
    Gender
    Male
    Put her on ignore/mute. That way they are not blocked or deleted and you can ignore them or look at them if/when you feel like it.
    Originally Posted by amco43
    My issue is the constant whatsapp photos and videos that come everyday with no message.It is totally one-sided. We are bombarded.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Location
    Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared
    Age
    52
    Posts
    36,362
    Gender
    Female
    Is your nephew going to be part of your life or a picture in an album? That kind of determines my answer.

  7. #6
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    14
    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Is your nephew going to be part of your life or a picture in an album? That kind of determines my answer.
    He will be part of my life. I love him and intend to build a relationship with him. However, I do live far away and can only visit them at the very most for two weeks out of the year. Why does this determine your answer?

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    14
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Put her on ignore/mute. That way they are not blocked or deleted and you can ignore them or look at them if/when you feel like it.
    This sounds like a good idea.

  9. #8
    Member
    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    14
    I had an aunt who I rarely saw as a child. As a teenager she became a massive part of my life and I loved her like another mother.
    I never called her partner uncle (they weren't married either, but did eventually marry as it made them more financially stable) He was always nice to me and I called him by his first name and saw him as a friend, not an 'uncle'.
    Maybe this has some unconcious bearing on my thinking.
    They had 30 beautiful years together. The most inspiring people I ever met. And she had no children of her own. She was an amazing woman. I dind't see her as an aunt or a mother though - I saw her as her own, indepndent person and I took an interest in her life.
    I guess that's at the root of it. I don't feel my brother or his partner take an interest in my life.So the entire thing feels like a one sided realtionship.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Posts
    2,745
    When you say "they" send you photos, who is "they"? Is it from your brother, or his partner?

    My guess is, his partner is the one driving the sending of all the photos, and driving the calling of your partner "uncle" by their child.

    My guess is also, that your brother downplayed his role in your estrangement. You use the word "assault", which is vague, and he probably says he was just teasing you and you got too sensitive, something like that. I can't speculate on how he described it to her, but I gotta give him props for reaching out to you, owning up to it, and apologizing to you. His partner may just have been the driving force behind that.

    So my other guess is, she's trying to build a bridge, not throw their baby in your face.

    My vote is to accept it and welcome them as a part of your lives, or block them and become estranged again. Anything else is just passive-aggressive limbo.

    You say that they don't put any notes, no "how are you's". How about you responding to some of the pictures with "What a lovely baby, would love to get together again, he's getting so big!". You know, start a dialogue. They may very well be saying, "Well we send her pictures of him all the time, but she never responds".

  11. #10
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Location
    Florida Panhandle
    Posts
    546
    Gender
    Female
    Good grief. This is a great example of first world problems. I'm sure as the child gets older, the obsession with sending pictures will stop. If not, just block them. It doesn't seem like a huge issue to me.

Page 1 of 5 1234 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •