Family relationships

[amco43]

The family of your birth.

Well, I had a mother and father who divorced and should never have married in the first place. I also had grandparents who divorced and my other grandmother's partner died and left her to bring up 6 kids on her own. This is life. It was all made worse by religion because people tried to live the religious lives society pressured them into and it didn't work out! Because it was forced onto them.
There aren't many happily married couples I know if that's what you mean.

[~Seraphim ~]

Well, I had a mother and father who divorced and should never have married in the first place. I also had grandparents who divorced and my other grandmother's partner died and left her to bring up 6 kids on her own. This is life. It was all made worse by religion because people tried to live the religious lives society pressured them into and it didn't work out! Because it was forced onto them.
There aren't many happily married couples I know if that's what you mean.

Well, no, what are your family relationships like. Obviously there is a lot of animosity with your brother .

[LHGirl]

I get your "child-free" vs. "childless" because I have gotten the "aww, I'm so sorry you never had children" too. To have to go into an explanation with, sometimes complete strangers, is just....weird.

Re: Your situation with your brother. Do you think that he apologized and got his way back into your life, just so he could have a reflection of himself in you? In other words, so he could have his own sort of selfish relationship with you, tell you things, send you pictures, that he apologized to benefit himself only? Do you think it would help for you to have a talk with him, and tell him that you'd like for him to ask about you sometimes? This could be a very selfish personality trait, or it could be that he's just not that ask-about-you kind of guy.

The only way you'd know is to ask. He might be like, oh my, I never realized that, thanks for letting me know. You'd have to do this in a conversational way, not in an accusatory way.

I do respect your reasons for re-establishing contact with him, so as to keep your mother at as much peace as possible.

[amco43]

Well, no, what are your family relationships like. Obviously there is a lot of animosity with your brother .

To keep it as short as I can.
My mother was just 18 when she married.
She came from alcoholic parents so obviously had some issues. Her mother hated being a mother. She wanted to be an accountant but was prevented such an education because she was a woman. Hated her life an so became an alcoholic. Had 6 kids because the first 5 were girls and they had to have a son due to pressure from society to have the 'ideal' one of each gender. Education was pushed on them. My mother failed at it and felt she would get recognition by having a child. So along came I.
My father was just 22. He came from a poor Glasgow household - poor Catholics, 6 kids, eldest kid raised by grandparents, father died when my dad was 6.
Their marriage was doomed due to my mother's mental illness and my father's immaturity.
I spent a lot of my childhood living with neighbors and spent several years in a kid's home.
My brother from the age of 3 months old went to live with the people down the road and never returned. So he was brought up by them.
Never adopted though and he always visited and knew who his parents were. Blames his father for it all now.
So in my brother's eyes I am the 'chosen' child (this is what he once called me) because I spent more time with our parents than he did.

[~Seraphim ~]

I get that my father is a whole psychiatric novel. Not one I want to read too often.

[amco43]

Yes, I think what you say could be the case. As my partner says, he didn't care for 6 years so what's changed? Well, he's had a child and suddenly all is supposed to perfect between us.
I think talking on this forum has helped and I will try and implement what you suggest.
Thanks.

[j.man]

I'm not understanding what you mean when you say:
'The overcompensating tone is pretty unbecoming, though. There's probably a reason beyond your history that your brother doesn't get much social value from your interactions beyond sharing these photos'.

What I'm saying is that there's often something about a personality which would lead someone to preemptively qualify their life decisions or cynically take offense to benign gestures ("not childless," "we don't see the point in marriage," taking offense when your life perspective is being so timidly challenged by having pictures sent to you or to your partner being referred to as an uncle, etc.) that, quite simply, doesn't lend itself to that person being particularly fun to talk to. I couldn't tell you if your brother is simply not all that mindful of you or if it'd be like pulling teeth to have a natural conversation with you, whether for your part or you two not having much to be familiar over.

I think people are giving you an out with all this internal deflection and family drama jazz when, at least in relation to this issue, it's an overcomplication. For whatever history you may have, your post makes it abundantly clear you're simply not close to him and thus have as low a threshold you would for anyone else trying to bond with you over things you've, at best, got very little interest in.

And about the worst way to normalize a relationship is to strike abnormal conversations. He's your brother, not your husband. If you want to talk about things beyond the kid, then bring up things other than the kid. Don't ask him to ask about you. Lead by example, and he either follows that lead or he doesn't. Blood doesn't guarantee a bond, and it just may be this kid is about all you two have to meaningfully link you to each other.

[amco43]

I love my brother and I do want a relationship with him, but I want a more balanced relationship. I suppose what I'm looking for is some sort of interest in my life from him.
I think this is the root of the problem.
It's all about him, always has been, and I have always been the big sister (by 3 years) who has been forced into the parent role.
Because my mother was not very capable of being a mother to him...I seemed to fall into that role and I resented it.
And I still do.
I want to be a sister, an equal. For him to respect and accept me as I am.

Any way lots of food for thought on this forum. Thank you for all your replies.

[~Seraphim ~]

It sounds like a lot of pain went around . Only you know whether you want to build a relationship with your brother or not.

[~Seraphim ~]

I love my brother and I do want a relationship with him, but I want a more balanced relationship. I suppose what I'm looking for is some sort of interest in my life from him.
I think this is the root of the problem.
It's all about him, always has been, and I have always been the big sister (by 3 years) who has been forced into the parent role.
Because my mother was not very capable of being a mother to him...I seemed to fall into that role and I resented it.
And I still do.
I want to be a sister, an equal. For him to respect and accept me as I am.

Any way lots of food for thought on this forum. Thank you for all your replies.

The thing is you were both forced into positions that you never should’ve been . He wanted you to be a sister not a mother and you wanted to be a sister not a mother . All we can do is lead by example . Exemplify what you want from him .