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Thread: Financial Issues with Boyfriend of Two Years, Stay or Go? Please Help.

  1. #1

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    Financial Issues with Boyfriend of Two Years, Stay or Go? Please Help.

    Hello,

    My question is simply this, after reading all of this do you think I should breakup with my boyfriend or should I work on it even more?
    I'm not used to asking complete strangers for relationship advice, but I think I need to just get this all out and see if it sounds rational or not. I will also try to make this all make sense. I'm sorry if at times it drags on or seems irrelevant, just trying to get as many details in as I can, I don't want to sound heartless.

    Here's a little background information before I get going, just to have a little context. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years, we are both 22 years old. We met in college which was only a 2 year program, but only started dating after we graduated. We went to school for an event/entertainment production diploma (like concerts, corporate events, etc...) for setting up lights/sound equipment, things like that. This will be useful information for later on.

    Anyway, we started living together about a year ago which was exciting for both of us. For the first couple of months we lived together, he was unemployed. Our rent was $800/month. I covered the rent because I was (and still am) making pretty good money. I understood that he didn't have a job because he had just done another year of school for art and moved to the city to live with me when his school year was finished. (Keep in mind that in September 2018 we moved to a new placed that was $1100/month, which was a little stressful as well.) He eventually got a job working for a house painting company around June 2018. His hours were absolutely terrible, 12-14 hour days sometimes. But he was grateful to have a job nonetheless. Some days his boss would pressure the painting crew and want them to get a big job done as fast as possible. Anyway, his boss was a terrible guy and my boyfriend was eventually forced to quit. He would sometimes not even get paid or his cheques from his employer would bounce. Nobody deserves to be treated that way and I encouraged him to quit because he was being treated worse than dirt. That was around the end of November of 2018. He became a little depressed because of that whole ordeal which was incredibly understandable. I helped him as much as possible. About a month after the fact, I tried to encourage him to find another job and to apply to many places, especially ones that were relevant to our diplomas. He was unemployed for 6 whole months, but has since been taking a few jobs pertaining to our diploma. But those can only be 4 hour shifts sometimes, and maybe only a couple times a week. I have been paying the rent, (which to remind you is $1100), groceries (which can get up to $400+/month), my own personal bills and then whatever we do for entertainment, such as going to the movies, going on breakfast dates, etc. I have now established a no going out rule unless we can both pay for it.

    I have been working for a theatre set fabrication company for a little over 2 years, I wake up at 5:30am and start work at 7am and finish at 3:15pm on a regular day. I had stated before that I make pretty good money, which I am so SO grateful for. I think all the time about what I would do if I ended up somehow losing my job. We would literally be (for lack of a better term, sorry!) effed if I lost it. I mean, I do have some savings, but since I have been paying for virtually everything, I wouldn't be able to support us for very long. I made a lot of money last year, and I don't even have half of it saved.

    I go to work at a very early time, and I come home to a messy house. No chores will have been done or nothing is ready in preparation for dinner. I will ask him to think of something for dinner and he will always say "I don't know." That doesn't help me, I don't know how to make 'I don't know'. He'll text me while I'm at work about what's for dinner, and I'll tell him to check the fridge/freezer for something and still, nothing. No ideas or anything. The day before I go to work, I'll tell him about a couple of chores that he could do while I'm working. And I get home, and nothing. Nothing is done. I think about the groceries, and if we have toilet paper, or cleaning supplies or soap or things like that. I make sure that I work full weeks so that we can afford this and rent. He has only mopped the floors ONCE since we've been living together. He's only washed the bed sheets twice, because he says that's my responsibility. Why, why, why, do I have to bust my ass, get up early, stay on my feet all day just to come home to nothing? Just to do some more cleaning, cooking and on my feet for washing dishes, shower and bedtime at 10pm. I've been thinking about my future and our future and the much much distant future. How am I going to be able to keep supporting the both of us? Especially into retirement? I can't keep doing this this way.

    I communicate to him that this is so stressful for me and that I NEED him, I need him to get a full time job so at least he's getting a regular paycheque. I need help with groceries and rent, we can't even go out anymore because I need to pay for the both of us. I think about going on destination trips but that's completely out of the picture because we can't afford it. What's it going to be like if we want to start a family? I want him to be more committed, (he's loyal and everything but I just want more from him) I'm working twice as hard to ensure that we can live well. I want him to be the man, the partner, I can turn to and lean on but if this is already so hard right now, what will it be like if we do end up getting married and start a family? I don't try to make him feel guilty because I know this is really stressful for him too and he has been depressed because of his unemployment, student loans and other bills. But I'm tired of being so patient and understanding. I'm tired of talking about it and thinking about it but I feel worse thinking about just what it would be like to break up. I'm just tired. I know this sounds a bit dramatic, but I'm only 22. I know you're supposed to support your partner through anything but this just seems like I'm too young to have to deal with all this responsibility on my own. Especially having to carry the both of us. I feel like I'm just having my young years getting sucked out of me.

    SO, after all of that, I have been going through all of this in my mind. I think he has noticed me become more distant and just saying "I love you" feels wrong for me to say sometimes. I just can't stop thinking about it, but I don't know how far I need to go to help us. Or if this is means for breaking up? I don't know what else to say or do anymore.
    The thought of breaking up makes me so sad, but my mom phrased it as "Do you really love him or do you feel responsible for him?" and that really hit me. I think I'm most scared of breaking up, which sounds the most selfish, but I'm scared of being alone and wondering if I'm really good enough for anyone else. I just don't know what to do anymore, I just feel so burnt out.

    Sorry for information overload but I just felt more details would help especially to see where I'm coming from.

    Any help will do honestly,

    -Please Help.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I understand your fears. Take one step at a time. 22 year olds normally don't think about retirement but you seem to have a good relationship with your mum and are forward-thinking. Someone has been helping you up to this point. If you do have a good relationship with your parents or your family, it's a good support network. You should have that in your times of fear or sadness. When I was your age I had the same fears. The irony is that we are always alone - whether you're in a relationship, married, have a family or have stellar relationships. You will find in time that we cannot replace personal peace of mind and independence for love of anyone in a romantic relationship. If you are seeking happiness and love, the first person you need to be happy with and love is yourself. I feel like you are not able to love yourself because you're giving yourself less of a chance of happiness with a man who is not compatible with you. You already know that deep down.

    I'd let go of all the reasons why he's not compatible with you and just work on accepting that you're both not compatible, period. You already know all those things and going over them again and again will keep hurting you because you still care about him. I hope you have the courage to learn from this and give yourself chance for a brighter, more complete happiness and peace of mind.

  3. #3
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I think your relationship had run its course. As they say, "Love don't pay the rent."

    You can't continue at this rate. Only you know what the answer is such as to break up or not.

    It sounds like your burning out in this relationship. I wouldn't stand for it if it were me but I'm not you.

    You need to figure out what you want to do. Do you want to continue your life with him day after day? You don't have a future with him.

    I think he's a freeloader. You pay all the bills yet when you come home from work, nothing was done. He's not industrious nor productive. He's not contributing to the household with any labor nor earning his keep. Kick the leech and lazy bum out!

  4. #4
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    Iím sorry but why were you excited to rent a place in your name and have your unemployed bf stay over permanently and essentially become his mother?
    How was that exciting for you???

    And why now expect that he would be any different than the unemployed person you took in as a free lodger?

    I bet his own mother thinks he is paying his way ? I assume he moved out of hers straight in with you?
    And you enabled it.

    If you want a nice holiday , ditch the freeloader and get a paying lodger.
    Easy solution right?

    If you want to continue dating him , do that while he lives with his actual mother.

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  6. #5
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    Yes I agree he's not doing enough. I understand he may want to find a job that's within his field and area of training but what I don't understand is why doesn't he take any job in the meantime while looking??

    Surely he could find retail work or a bar job or something. Anything would be better than nothing. People can't just sit around and choose to do nothing as they are not getting the job of their dreams.

    To not do any of the house work etc is also unforgivable. He should be doing all that stuff of his own free will so at least you come home to a clean house while he's off work and you are supporting him.

    I would agree that he is depressed but that's not your fault. He needs to get some help for that and get back into work. I've been signed off sick for over 2 years with mental health issues and I go to work every single day no matter how hard it is because things just get worse when you don't work!

    What does he say when you communicate these things to him? If you have told him and he's took no notice then I'd be looking to end things. If you have never said any of this to him in clear terms then I'd consider laying it all out and explain its his first and final warning. Buck your ideas up or ship out and set a short timeframe for him to get his act together.

    You cannot go as things are though much longer. You have become his mother and maid and he's reverted back to a little boy.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You are wasting your life away playing house with this guy and mothering him. By enabling and mommying him, you've given up your life to support and babysit a hairy overgrown child.👶

    Move out and pursue your own career, educational and financial goals. Get some roommates who can share equally in defraying the cost of living and chores, etc.. Cut your losses. Free yourself from this unnecessary drudgery. He's not the last guy on earth🌎

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You are wasting your life away playing house with this guy and mothering him. By enabling and mommying him, you've given up your life to support and babysit a hairy overgrown child.👶

    Move out and pursue your own career, educational and financial goals. Get some roommates who can share equally in defraying the cost of living and chores, etc.. Cut your losses. Free yourself from this unnecessary drudgery. He's not the last guy on earth🌎
    I agree and I also think you're equating this with marriage with your "for better or for worse" type language that is in a marriage vow. Certainly you don't need marriage for a lifelong commitment and at the same time he is not supporting you -he's not contributing financially or doing his share of the housework, etc. And he's not caring for your child (hypothetically). I think he should have stuck with his job in that situation. He chose to quit because his boss was a jerk. Sometimes life is like that and you stick it out if you've had a long period of unemployment until you find a new job. Today is Father's Day. My dad who passed away worked for many jerky bosses -I heard all about it as a child -and I don't think he was ever unemployed because he was the primary provider for our family and he knew what he had to do. And he had a serious mental illness and still did what he needed to do.
    I would move out ASAP and if you want to keep dating him, sure- but put conditions on it -tell him what your financial values and goals are, what your work ethic is, what you think you want in 5 years from now for your life -and see if he gets it and has compatible goals.

    Good luck.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years, we are both 22 years old.
    Anyway, we started living together about a year ago which was exciting for both of us. For the first couple of months we lived together, he was unemployed.
    There are a lot of life lessons going on here.

    First, and I say this as someone who left my house with a '94 Chevy Lumina, $400 in the bank, and not so much as a phone bill in my mother's name when I was 18, so it's not that I can necessarily empathize with his freeloading, but a lot of people are still going through growing pains upon reaching adulthood. Being frank, dude hasn't grown up. And with you, he's got no reason to. At this point, I can't imagine you mustering up any respect for him even if he were to pull a sudden 180. It's probably too far gone, and that much would be understandable. But if you are so insistent on continuing to give it a go, it can't be like this. You've gotta look after yourself financially and at the very least he needs to be responsible to himself. If not full-on ending the relationship, you should be living separately.

    On a more general level, don't enter a situation banking on things being different. If someone's not working, don't move in with them. Additionally, I'd really encourage you to wait beyond a year before making that kind of decision.

  10. #9
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    Why are you "afraid to be alone"? What disaster do you think would befall you if you didn't have a boyfriend?

  11. #10
    Member EclipseCross's Avatar
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    I understand you completely. I broke up with my boyfriend 5 months ago. I was really afraid to be single/alone, but as you can see Iím alive and well.
    You need to focus on yourself right now. And no, youíre not selfish for taking care of yourself.

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