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Thread: Should I stay and see how we can manage this for love or should I walk away?

  1. #1

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    Should I stay and see how we can manage this for love or should I walk away?

    Hi there, I am in a very difficult situation right now, due to the fact that my boyfriend is dealing with something very hard for him, my boyfriend is older than (quite older) I am 30, he is 47, he is divorced from 6 years ago, he came to this country at 25 y/o and at 30 he married an older woman which was 43 at that time, now she is 60, they lasted 10 years together, they have no kids, just dogs and cats, (which he loves!), she happens to live in a town a little up north from where we live about one hour and a half.

    When him and I met about a year ago (to be more exact january-19 -2018) he had told me that he was divorced and everything about him, but I donít recall him telling me he had this type of communication to this woman whom he had nothing with anymore, they are divorced, he told me that he promised his father-in-law when he died, that he would look after her if she need help in anything. This woman does not Know that I exist, she in fact asked him to please not tell when he had a girlfriend or a new life, that she did not want to know, so he respects her wishes and never told her anything, to avoid drama, Mind you she was the one who opted for divorce, so in her head she believed/ believes (present) that he would stay single and be there for her, cause she might still have feelings for him (all of this sounds absurd TO ME!) if she still has feelings for him, why did she divorced him in the first place? Does not make sense to me.

    The other part is that this ex of his has nobody to look out for her, her parents died, her brothers died, she has no kids, she has 2 nephews which don't visit her. So my boyfriend is the only person she has and a roommate friend Unbelievable!! but true.

    So about 2 weeks ago, I was at our home waiting for my bf to come back from work, as usual we would eat, watch a movie etc, and so when he arrived back home he tells me that there has been an emergency and that his Ex wife ended up in the hospital and that he had to go and see what was going to happen and look after his dogs as well, so he stayed over there about a week with her he did not go to his job until Thursday which was when he returned. I was very mad with him because since he left that Friday night, he did not call me neither text me, until he came back here, my aunt which gets along with him very well called him to see what was going on, since I am a little proud and refused to call him, I was very angry at the fact that he had left me to see what was going on with her!, I mean we had plans for that weekend.

    When he came back that Thursday, He was exhausted, of not sleeping well and all this drama, so I arrived from work around 1:30 AM, he was deeply sleeping, so I went to sleep as well, and next morning which was Friday he woke up to go to work, I was sleeping cause I was free until the upcoming week, so he comes by and hugs me, kisses me, and tells me that he íĎloves me a lotíí that we would talk later that day about what had been going on, so when he came back home later that day he started talking about his job and that the upcoming week he and his team had some inspections to do on a 5-day trip about an hour and a half from where we live, so they would stay in a hotel for 5 days (all of this happened this past week), and then I mentioned him that why did he not called me for 5 days when he left that Friday, he replied that: he was wrong for doing that, that he should not have done that and that I was right, and he asked me to forgive him, because he did in fact acted wrong, so we talked that he could not abandon his life because of what his ex was going through, he has a home to pay, a job to attend to and a new life with me, so he replies: that of course that he is not going to abandon his life, but he asked me to please understand him that he will help her with what he can, because he cannot abandon her like if she was a dog.

    So his Ex wife happened to be in sharp pain when she breathed, so they did some exams etc, and they discovered she has a small tumor on her lung, plus some Micro bacteria, but they still could not figure out exactly what her problem was, so they send her to a hospital that specializes in this, they told her to go and do a biopsy there, so they can determine what she has, so she came this past week with a roommate friend she has, and they told her she has cancer.

    So yesterday my boyfriend calls me around 7:00 pm, I thought that he was on his way back home from the inspections I had mentioned before, well guess what he calls me sobbing and crying that he was in the town where she lives, that this was really difficult for him and that he just found out that his ex-wife has cancer, and that she can barely put her arm up, that she was depressed, So I felt bad for him, But I ended getting mad at him, cause I wanted to be with him this weekend and see a movie, so I said to him íĎlisten you cannot throw your life away because of this situation, there is nothing you can do, itís not your fault and especially not mines, and he was telling me:íí please understand me, you know that I love you and you know that I want a life with youíí I want you to be by my side during this situation, be patient with me, donít abandon me during this moment, this is the last I need know.

    I was really firm with him on the phone, I got mad, frustrated, so for one moment I almost picked up everything I have in his house (well he calls it our house, he says itís my home as well, even though we are not married) and take it with me, like I just felt like breaking up with him, what type of life am I going to have with this man and this situation, how is going to handle/balance this. I am not willing to be a painting on the wall, I want us to be able to have a normal relationship, go out, have fun, not because this situation happened that everything is going to change, cause I will not tolerate that.

    We already spoke about this I just donít know what else to do, what else to speak about! I mean it is what it is, he wonít abandon her, the only thing that pops in my mind is asking him how is he planning to manage this situation. I feel bad for him and I do LOVE HIM! But I donít know how am I going to tolerate this whole thing, I might break up with him and move on, which is what I have in mind, I am 30, I want to enjoy my life, I donít want to be with a man that has this baggage, and I have to be a zombie alongside him. It sounds unfair to me.

    How can he manage this or how will he manage this? This is what I want to ask him and see what he replies, especially now that we know what this woman has. I see all of this very difficult, how is he going to enjoy the times that we go out (that is if we go out) seriously I am thinking about all of this.

  2. #2
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    He is still in love with this woman. This situations is ridiculous. You are a filler.


    You should not be tolerating any of this, and on top of it, you are a secret. Leave this relationship, as you will always play second to this woman.

    No future here! You should have left long ago. Time to start loving yourself.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 06-16-2019 at 12:00 AM.

  3. #3
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    I would let him go, OP.

    He's simply too attached to her to make a relationship with anyone else work. Add to that the fact that she is now ill, and he's likely going to be spending even more time with her.

    Sorry, girl. I can't see how this will end well for you.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I doubt you can tolerate this whole thing. I agree, you're only 30, you should enjoy your life, break up with him and move on.

    He wants to focus on his ex and her cancer. You are secondary to her. It's time to go your separate ways.

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  6. #5
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    Yes unfortunately I think that he is still in love with her or at least still has some feelings for her. I understand that they were married for ten years but they've already been divorced six years. That is a really long time! He has had plenty of time to move on and so has he. I don't think either of them has moved on in those years. They have no children together and don't even really need to interact except occasionally if he wants to visit the dogs.

    I understand if basically all of her family have passed away but why does she have no friends? I mean she could still have friends so if she doesn't that obviously means she's made no effort to have friends. Anyone that actually tried to have friendships should have at least some friends. It is not your boyfriend's problem if she has created a life for herself like this. That's her own doing. He does not owe her anything because she's not his wife as of SIX YEARS ago.

    I don't actually think he loves you because it sounds like he doesn't really respect your relationship. He left you to go be with her for five days and he never even contacted you at all. This is before it was found out she had cancer and he still completely ignored you and was with her for five days. What was the need to stay with her so long? Even if he's still her friend, to talk on the phone or to visit for one day was more than sufficient. I think he stayed at her place for five days because he still loves her and he wanted to be with her. Quite possibly he was even intimate with her.

    Now he's been gone for five days again and it could even be that he lied that he was away with work. He might have been with his ex wife. I'm sorry but his behaviour shows that he doesn't care about you that much and that all his attention is on her. It's awful that she has cancer and he can be nice and kind, maybe send a card, etc. But he is with YOU. To go there and stay with her for five days is completely unacceptable. He has no respect for you or this relationship.

    If the ex wanted to divorce, it wasn't his choice to break up and he must have still loved her and still does. Don't waste time on this guy, you can do much better than this. I don't care if the ex is sick or what not, even if he was going to be supportive to her, he is doing it in a really shady way. I'm friends with my two ex's but I don't really hang out with them. If I see them it's usually in a group and my fiance is normally there too. If my ex got sick, I might call them or maybe send a get well card. If it was something serious like cancer I might send flowers and chocolates. But I would not go and stay with my ex for five days at their house and never even contact my own partner. That is just so wrong.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It's not "your house". Is he still legally married? It sounds like you enjoy the sweet talk and buy into his lines, but there's no future here and he thinks of you as a side chick. Was she his sugarmama and ticket to a visa when he first moved here? Perhaps he feels devoted for this and other reasons.
    Originally Posted by alisha05
    I was really firm with him on the phone, I got mad, frustrated, so for one moment I almost picked up everything I have in his house (well he calls it our house, he says itís my home as well, even though we are not married)

  8. #7
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    No, he's not married or in love with the ex. Unfortunately, some people just can't let go of the ex from a friendship standpoint....and then you end up feeling like a third wheel, and it causes jealousy. Date another guy and let him see how it feels.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who remains involved with an ex, in any way, shape, or form, beyond shared children. Period.

    You're learning WHY.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Gary Snyder
    No, he's not married or in love with the ex. Unfortunately, some people just can't let go of the ex from a friendship standpoint....and then you end up feeling like a third wheel, and it causes jealousy. Date another guy and let him see how it feels.
    this. He is not in love.
    Though he may feel responsible for her because of his promise and because she is older.

    She probably divorced him because of the age gap - who knows - i don't think who actually files always makes a difference - they both could have been done with the marriage and someone had to be the bad guy.
    My aunt was concerned for my uncle - whom she divorced 15 years before he got sick -- but then again, they had kids together. She wasn't romantically involved, just always on amicable terms.

  11. #10
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    Honestly, i think you should tell him that its clear that he feels responsible for her in her illness (cancer does throw people for a loop)
    and that you are going to give him space to do what he needs to do - leave the house, go home.

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