Jump to content

Boyfriend slept with sister before I met him


Gch

Recommended Posts

Hi all, I would love some advice on a tricky situation. My sister slept with my current boyfriend a few years before I even met him. They were both drunk and it only happened once. I knew it had happened when I met him, him and I became friends and a couple of years later we got together. We have now been together 3yrs. For some reason it didn’t bother me at the beginning. I liked him so much that I guess I ignored it. As we are becoming more and more serious and things like marriage and babies start to become a possibility for us, it has started becoming a major issue for me. I find it really awkward them being together, especially at family gatherings, although they don’t find it awkward at all. The longer I’m with him and the more serious we get the more I build it up in my head. I just hate the fact that they have shared something so intimate. I just don’t know how to get over it. He treats me amazingly and is always showing me how much he loves me so I don’t doubt him for a second. Houw do I get over it and accept it was something that happened a long time ago. Please help!

Link to comment

Have you talked to your boyfriend about your anxiety? If so, what did he say to reassure you. If you haven't, then why haven't you? What about talking to your sister about this as well, surely you can talk frankly with her and your partner about your fears?

 

You need reassurance from them that they are never going to betray you in that way and they need to show you in actions, through solid boundaries that their word can be trusted. They don't go out together one-on-one or spend any time with one another without you there too (as an example of a good boundary that they both should have no trouble keeping).

Link to comment

Are you sure you’re not just looking for a way out of the relationship? That maybe you are bored, or freaked out or whatever?

 

Or did something happen recently? Were they flirtatious recently?

 

I mean... I get not wanting to date someone who has been with your sister. I have a sister. I don’t think I could date anyone that she’s been with... so I get that part. But the part I don’t really understand is why now? After 3 years? Like... this is old news.

 

I feel like there has to be more to the story as to why you are freaking out now. It doesn’t make sense to me.

 

How is your relationship with your sister?

Link to comment

Lol WOW. You aren't secure with someone who boinked your sibling. Join the ****ing club. Look, many people wouldn't give a crap, and fair play to them. You do, and understandably so. There's nothing to discuss. You either get over it or you don't. But don't neglect reality.

Link to comment

This is what happens when we avoid our dealbreakers.

No matter what, dealbreakers tend to rear their head later.

(ie, someone who smoking is a dealbreaker because their dad died of lung cancer, then decides the guy who smokes once in awhile is hot and then now they have a problem with the person smoking when the honeymoon is over instead of using their head and turning down hot guy for a date)

 

I would absolutely date a dude (if i were single) who went to the homecoming dance with my cousin 20 years ago.

Would i date someone who boinked my cousin or sister? No.

 

I think that if that was a dealbreaker, its always going to bother you.

 

The honeymoon is over and reality sets in.

 

I would not blame you for deciding that he is not the man you want to marry. But if you decide you are over it - don't pretend to be over it when you are not.

I might seek personal counseling to gain some clarity - not someone to push you to 'get over it' - but to talk it out with someone who has no stake in the game (is not a friend to you or anyone involved).

 

Do you feel that are not close with your sister like you used to be because of it?

Link to comment
Hi all, I would love some advice on a tricky situation. My sister slept with my current boyfriend a few years before I even met him. They were both drunk and it only happened once. I knew it had happened when I met him, him and I became friends and a couple of years later we got together. We have now been together 3yrs. For some reason it didn’t bother me at the beginning. I liked him so much that I guess I ignored it. As we are becoming more and more serious and things like marriage and babies start to become a possibility for us, it has started becoming a major issue for me. I find it really awkward them being together, especially at family gatherings, although they don’t find it awkward at all. The longer I’m with him and the more serious we get the more I build it up in my head. I just hate the fact that they have shared something so intimate. I just don’t know how to get over it. He treats me amazingly and is always showing me how much he loves me so I don’t doubt him for a second. Houw do I get over it and accept it was something that happened a long time ago. Please help!

 

You know it was a one-off drunken thing and it happened several years before he even met you, so no boundaries were crossed and no trust was broken. They don't find it awkward because it's ancient history and it never meant anything to them in the first place. I can fully understand that it weirds you out, but it sounds to me like neither your sister nor partner have given you any reason to believe anything would happen between them again.

Link to comment

Break up with him. There is no other solution since three years on you still have issues even though it was an informed choice. The past cannot be undone so stop wasting his time. You shouldn't have got with him in the first place.

Link to comment

Lol, you can't get involved with your sister's ex. What were you thinking? There will always be jealousy there. It's damaging to all the relationships - it could especially be damaging to your relationship with your sister. You are already seeing that now. Men will come and go but blood sisters are forever.

Link to comment

How old are he and your sister? It sounds like you took the blinders off your real feelings about it now that the novelty of dating him has slowed down.

My sister slept with my current boyfriend a few years before I even met him. I liked him so much that I guess I ignored it. I find it really awkward them being together, especially at family gatherings, although they don’t find it awkward at all.
Link to comment

No because she doesn’t know how much I think about it. In her eyes it’s something silly that happened ages ago. I’m very close to her and don’t want it to ruin my relationship with her, and I want her to be good friends with him because I plan to be with him forever.

Link to comment

Thank you, yours has been the reply I most identify with. Thank you for being so optimistic. It’s true they havent even thought about it since it’s happened so it’s purely my problem. I’m not looking for a way out, I have never felt this way about anyone. I’m in it forever. And I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my sister because that is very special to me.

Link to comment
Thank you, yours has been the reply I most identify with. Thank you for being so optimistic. It’s true they havent even thought about it since it’s happened so it’s purely my problem. I’m not looking for a way out, I have never felt this way about anyone. I’m in it forever. And I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my sister because that is very special to me.
I assume you are thanking the post quoted below, GCH:

 

You know it was a one-off drunken thing and it happened several years before he even met you, so no boundaries were crossed and no trust was broken. They don't find it awkward because it's ancient history and it never meant anything to them in the first place. I can fully understand that it weirds you out, but it sounds to me like neither your sister nor partner have given you any reason to believe anything would happen between them again.

 

... and I agree with it.

 

Now, that being said:

If you are having trouble getting past something that can't be changed and in which there is zero indication you should be worrying about it then don't be afraid to hook yourself up with a therapist to help you talk yourself out of your retro active jealousy or fears. You love him, I assume he loves you as well and it isn't even a blip on your sister's radar so chillax and enjoy your relationship and immediately change any thoughts of the past to something more positive and happy.

 

You'll be fine if you deem it. ;)

Link to comment

I understand how you feel, what I don't get is why these feelings are popping up after three years?

 

Another poster mentioned the "honeymoon" period.

 

I realize many of us wear those proverbial blinders during that period, but three years? That's a long honeymoon period, imo.

 

I mean, you must have seen them together, interacting, during family events and such within that three year period, and it never bothered you.

 

So what's the deal? Why now after three years is this suddenly bothering you?

 

I'm wondering if there's something deeper going on causing you to suddenly focus on this (after three years of not bothering you) rather than avoid the real issue, either in your relationship or within yourself.

Link to comment

I'd sit down with both of them and let them know how you feel. Separately by the way... And set clear boundaries as stated prior in this thread. No hanging out alone, no phone calls to each other etc.

 

Do not come at them like "hey I need you to stay away from my man!"

 

But rather look this may seem silly to you but it's not to me. Explain how you feel, and you would likely feel better if there were some clear boundaries arranged that you all agreed upon.

Link to comment
I'd sit down with both of them and let them know how you feel. Separately by the way... And set clear boundaries as stated prior in this thread. No hanging out alone, no phone calls to each other etc.

 

Do not come at them like "hey I need you to stay away from my man!"

 

But rather look this may seem silly to you but it's not to me. Explain how you feel, and you would likely feel better if there were some clear boundaries arranged that you all agreed upon.

 

I don't get the sense they are communicating behind her back. I think the bigger point is the fact that it happened. She has to work through whether she should break things off because she cannot marry a man who slept with her sister, or she over time finds it doesn't bother her. But if its the latter, just stuffing it up inside is not the answer.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...