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Thread: Boyfriend slept with sister before I met him

  1. #1

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    Boyfriend slept with sister before I met him

    Hi all, I would love some advice on a tricky situation. My sister slept with my current boyfriend a few years before I even met him. They were both drunk and it only happened once. I knew it had happened when I met him, him and I became friends and a couple of years later we got together. We have now been together 3yrs. For some reason it didnít bother me at the beginning. I liked him so much that I guess I ignored it. As we are becoming more and more serious and things like marriage and babies start to become a possibility for us, it has started becoming a major issue for me. I find it really awkward them being together, especially at family gatherings, although they donít find it awkward at all. The longer Iím with him and the more serious we get the more I build it up in my head. I just hate the fact that they have shared something so intimate. I just donít know how to get over it. He treats me amazingly and is always showing me how much he loves me so I donít doubt him for a second. Houw do I get over it and accept it was something that happened a long time ago. Please help!

  2. #2
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    Do you trust your sister? Do you trust him?

    Any reason to doubt him?

  3. #3
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Has it hurt your relationship with your sister?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Have you talked to your boyfriend about your anxiety? If so, what did he say to reassure you. If you haven't, then why haven't you? What about talking to your sister about this as well, surely you can talk frankly with her and your partner about your fears?

    You need reassurance from them that they are never going to betray you in that way and they need to show you in actions, through solid boundaries that their word can be trusted. They don't go out together one-on-one or spend any time with one another without you there too (as an example of a good boundary that they both should have no trouble keeping).

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  6. #5
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    Are you sure youíre not just looking for a way out of the relationship? That maybe you are bored, or freaked out or whatever?

    Or did something happen recently? Were they flirtatious recently?

    I mean... I get not wanting to date someone who has been with your sister. I have a sister. I donít think I could date anyone that sheís been with... so I get that part. But the part I donít really understand is why now? After 3 years? Like... this is old news.

    I feel like there has to be more to the story as to why you are freaking out now. It doesnít make sense to me.

    How is your relationship with your sister?

  7. #6
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    Sorry, but it sounds like you are looking for an out. Doesn't make sense that this an issue after all this time.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Lol WOW. You aren't secure with someone who boinked your sibling. Join the ****ing club. Look, many people wouldn't give a crap, and fair play to them. You do, and understandably so. There's nothing to discuss. You either get over it or you don't. But don't neglect reality.

  9. #8
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I can only speak for myself, but that would likely create a dark cloud hanging over my head. Of course to each their own, yet it may be helpful to think of possible long term consequences that may come up.

    JMO...

  10. #9
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    This is what happens when we avoid our dealbreakers.
    No matter what, dealbreakers tend to rear their head later.
    (ie, someone who smoking is a dealbreaker because their dad died of lung cancer, then decides the guy who smokes once in awhile is hot and then now they have a problem with the person smoking when the honeymoon is over instead of using their head and turning down hot guy for a date)

    I would absolutely date a dude (if i were single) who went to the homecoming dance with my cousin 20 years ago.
    Would i date someone who boinked my cousin or sister? No.

    I think that if that was a dealbreaker, its always going to bother you.

    The honeymoon is over and reality sets in.

    I would not blame you for deciding that he is not the man you want to marry. But if you decide you are over it - don't pretend to be over it when you are not.
    I might seek personal counseling to gain some clarity - not someone to push you to 'get over it' - but to talk it out with someone who has no stake in the game (is not a friend to you or anyone involved).

    Do you feel that are not close with your sister like you used to be because of it?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    All I can emphasize is this: Know what you are, what you aren't, what you can do and what you can't do. If you feel foolish for backing out of a relationship you once thought was ok, you do not have to feel guilty. Do what's right for you.

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