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Thread: To be or not to be I guess

  1. #1

    To be or not to be I guess

    Hello, Iíve been struggling with my relationship for about half a year now. Iíve been together with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now, but especially since Christmas Iíve had some sort of background stress emerging about the relationship and itís starting to make me go crazy.

    I really care a lot for him, we have known each other for this long already that itís impossible to feel otherwise. And despite that Iíve been fighting with myself about if this is the right relationship for me. He is 6 years older than me (29) and has been in the working life ever since Iíve known him, and it would be important for him to have a stable life in the same general area where his family lives. One of the reasons I chose to study marine biology was that the whole world would be open, so the thought of having to settle here eventually is stressful. We have talked about this several times and decided to deal with it when the time comes, and he is okay with the idea of me going abroad for shorter periods of time (eg 6 months ~ 1 year). For some reason no matter how much we talk about this the concern about it always comes back.

    Then he of course would like to move in together as soon as I am willing to. I live in my parentís apartment with my brother and thus donít need to pay rent, and as a student there is no financially wise reason for me to move out before I have an actual job. This has been talked about and agreed upon, and it shouldnít be an issue.

    One of the worst problems is that I realized that Iím asexual about half a year into the relationship. He assured that itís fine and low and behold we are still together over 3 years later (weíve literally never even seen each other naked like who can actually stand bull like that without even knowingly signing for it). However, it does bug him quite a lot and he has been trying to encourage me to try it at least once. Weíve made some ridiculously slow progress during the years but Iím still nowhere near ready for it... his encouragement sometimes feel a little pushy though. Heís been trying to set time limits and stuff like that which obviously never work, and just generally wants me to try it once because it canít be that bad. Iíve told him that this feels like heís pushing me, but he argues back that heís not.

    Along with other things he feels like Iím demanding a lot from the relationship without giving up anything in return. Heíd like me to bend on something, but these three things mentioned (living abroad, living together, asexuality) are not exactly something I can change my mind upon easily. Iíve tried but the stress always comes back eventually. I am constantly swaying about whether to call it quits or if I am just too selfish. Heís been adamant that he wants to spend his life with me and has stayed by my side even though Iíve been the cause of a lot of drama. In the end I donít know what someone can be expected to sacrifice for a relationship. I know Iíve always been asking a lot from him and it makes me feel horrible that I canít really give back on the same extent.

    Holy this was way longer than I expected Ė anyway if possible Iíd love to hear what you lovely folks have to say about this. Itís probably obvious to pretty much everyone else except me lol

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    There is no right or wrong here. You are entitled to your values as much he is his.
    This makes you two incompatible.
    Relationships should move forward and what's surprising is that you've managed to keep this behind the starting gate for as long as you have.

    If you have this many reservations at the 4 year mark, I say you let him go find someone who wants the same thing he does.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I agree with reinvent. The most gracefulóif very sadóconclusion to all this is to accept that you two are not compatible for each other.

    While relationships require "work" and "sacrifice," that work and sacrifice cannot turn make a square peg fit inside a round hole. That's intimacy-as-labor, and it generally drains one or both parties more than it fills up. Sounds like you've both been pretty drained for a good while in this one.

    I'm sorry for your confusion. I know it's hard to imagine ending something that's lasted this long, but you don't want to be in a constant fight with yourself about whether the relationship you're in is the relationship you should be in. Not good for anyone.

  4. #4
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    You are not compatible. You sound like buddies.

    The sex and living situations are clear deal breakers for most.

    Is he having sex with other women?

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  6. #5
    Thank you all for your replies! It's kinda heartbreaking that other people are confirming this conclusion as well.

    I find it so difficult to process that relationships mean that either you commit to that person until the end or you risk losing them entirely from your life. How I wish it didn't have to come to that. We probably would be better off as friends, but it's way too late for that anymore and it breaks my heart. This is also the first relationship I've ever been in, and I for sure didn't know myself much nor what an actual committed relationship really means back then.

    I for sure have been drained for a while now, and lately he has been joining the club as well. We both know that the relationship can't continue like this, but either way it's my call in the end and I should start making a final decision soon. Now I'm afraid to even talk to him since he's asking me all the time how I'm feeling and when I'm down I don't want to lie. But then the conversation might to turn fatal which I want to avoid as everyone since forever urge to end things face to face. And I end up feeling stuck in a rat race... the next time I'll see him is in a week as I'm now on a field station taking samples for my master's thesis.

    He is not having sex with anyone else either. I once even brought up the option of opening up the relationship as a potential solution to that issue but he dismissed it immediately.

  7. #6
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    How commendable of you that after 4 years of dating you "really care a lot for him". If you really wanted to move in with him, regardless of reason you would of done it. Instead you are sticking to you "not feasible" reasoning. Im not saying that its not a good reason, but if you really saw a future with him, you would of done it. You failed to mention anything about happiness, and again, you never said you love him, just cared a lot for him.
    So leads me to asking you..what is it you are getting from this agreement? Do you just like having someone care about you? Do you like knowing someone is out there that would never hurt you? Are you afraid of being the bad guy? From your initial post (and your most honest feelings) that you should not be with him and it would be best to let him go so that he can find someone better for him. Someone that will align closer to his ideas because right now, you are not ready for what he is willing to offer you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    I can't believe he has stayed with you for all these years without sex when he is not asexual. How old are the two of you?

    Also, I agree with the others. You guys are one of the most incompatible couples I have ever heard of. You share almost no core values or ideas about the future. Cut this guy free so he can find someone who had the capacity to give him what he wants and needs.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately you are attached but quite incompatible. Do not give up your dreams or ambitions for anyone. Are you a virgin? Is he all you know since age 19? Let go, follow your career/education path. Consider dating other men to determine if you are asexual, straight, bi, etc. or he simply doesn't float your boat, since it sounds like he is all you know.

    If you are curious about your sexuality, get a checkup from a physician to rule out physical issues or depression, etc. Also consider talk therapy to sort out your future, your stance and preferences sexually. Do not settle for this guy or pressure or this bizarre arrangement of LDR/platonic roommates and all sorts of unknowns when it comes to dating and sexuality.
    Originally Posted by chronoid
    Iíve been together with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. He is 6 years older than me (29)
    I live in my parentís apartment with my brother and thus donít need to pay rent, and as a student there is no financially wise reason for me to move out before I have an actual job.
    One of the worst problems is that I realized that Iím asexual about half a year into the relationship. weíve literally never even seen each other naked

  10. #9
    Thank you so much for replying!

    No1, thank you for the bluntness and straightforward questions! They actually helped getting some grasp on what's happening in my head. I think what I've been feeling is that the least I can do in this situation is to try and find a solution to somehow avoid the bad ending. I've mentioned breaking up a few times during the years and he's always managed to talk me out of it. He's really trying his best to keep us together though I don't see how he does it after everything that's happened...

    SGH, honestly I can't believe it either and all my friends that know about this applaud him for it.

    Wiseman2, thank you for the encouragement! However I am actually quite sure about the sexuality thing. Of course if it's about to change one day it will, but learning about the phenomenon explained so much about what was going in my head in high school. I even had this absolutely fabulous and foolproof plan of telling the potential boyfriend that I want to wait until marriage and just you know never get married unless I change my mind about sex :'D I always kinda expected that my mind will change eventually and decided that I need to investigate a bit more about what's happening when after dating for six months nothing had happened. Therapy might not be a bad idea nonetheless, though I have a hard time to believe that it's a medical issue.

    I suppose everything at this stage is pointing towards having to go separate ways. I'm so heartbroken that I have to lose him from my life, he's such a fun person to hang around with and so reliable with everything... he's always done his best for the relationship and it's terrifying to betray him once and for all. I hope it's going to be for the best eventually...
    I just have no clue how to approach this. I suppose the sooner the better so we can just go and start healing but how and what am I going to talk with him before we can finally meet face to face...

  11. #10
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    The real betrayal would be to continue the relationship knowing you don't want the same things he does.

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