Jump to content

To be or not to be I guess


chronoid

Recommended Posts

Hello, I’ve been struggling with my relationship for about half a year now. I’ve been together with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now, but especially since Christmas I’ve had some sort of background stress emerging about the relationship and it’s starting to make me go crazy.

 

I really care a lot for him, we have known each other for this long already that it’s impossible to feel otherwise. And despite that I’ve been fighting with myself about if this is the right relationship for me. He is 6 years older than me (29) and has been in the working life ever since I’ve known him, and it would be important for him to have a stable life in the same general area where his family lives. One of the reasons I chose to study marine biology was that the whole world would be open, so the thought of having to settle here eventually is stressful. We have talked about this several times and decided to deal with it when the time comes, and he is okay with the idea of me going abroad for shorter periods of time (eg 6 months ~ 1 year). For some reason no matter how much we talk about this the concern about it always comes back.

 

Then he of course would like to move in together as soon as I am willing to. I live in my parent’s apartment with my brother and thus don’t need to pay rent, and as a student there is no financially wise reason for me to move out before I have an actual job. This has been talked about and agreed upon, and it shouldn’t be an issue.

 

One of the worst problems is that I realized that I’m asexual about half a year into the relationship. He assured that it’s fine and low and behold we are still together over 3 years later (we’ve literally never even seen each other naked like who can actually stand bull like that without even knowingly signing for it). However, it does bug him quite a lot and he has been trying to encourage me to try it at least once. We’ve made some ridiculously slow progress during the years but I’m still nowhere near ready for it... his encouragement sometimes feel a little pushy though. He’s been trying to set time limits and stuff like that which obviously never work, and just generally wants me to try it once because it can’t be that bad. I’ve told him that this feels like he’s pushing me, but he argues back that he’s not.

 

Along with other things he feels like I’m demanding a lot from the relationship without giving up anything in return. He’d like me to bend on something, but these three things mentioned (living abroad, living together, asexuality) are not exactly something I can change my mind upon easily. I’ve tried but the stress always comes back eventually. I am constantly swaying about whether to call it quits or if I am just too selfish. He’s been adamant that he wants to spend his life with me and has stayed by my side even though I’ve been the cause of a lot of drama. In the end I don’t know what someone can be expected to sacrifice for a relationship. I know I’ve always been asking a lot from him and it makes me feel horrible that I can’t really give back on the same extent.

 

Holy this was way longer than I expected – anyway if possible I’d love to hear what you lovely folks have to say about this. It’s probably obvious to pretty much everyone else except me lol

Link to comment

There is no right or wrong here. You are entitled to your values as much he is his.

This makes you two incompatible.

Relationships should move forward and what's surprising is that you've managed to keep this behind the starting gate for as long as you have.

 

If you have this many reservations at the 4 year mark, I say you let him go find someone who wants the same thing he does.

Link to comment

I agree with reinvent. The most graceful—if very sad—conclusion to all this is to accept that you two are not compatible for each other.

 

While relationships require "work" and "sacrifice," that work and sacrifice cannot turn make a square peg fit inside a round hole. That's intimacy-as-labor, and it generally drains one or both parties more than it fills up. Sounds like you've both been pretty drained for a good while in this one.

 

I'm sorry for your confusion. I know it's hard to imagine ending something that's lasted this long, but you don't want to be in a constant fight with yourself about whether the relationship you're in is the relationship you should be in. Not good for anyone.

Link to comment

Thank you all for your replies! It's kinda heartbreaking that other people are confirming this conclusion as well.

 

I find it so difficult to process that relationships mean that either you commit to that person until the end or you risk losing them entirely from your life. How I wish it didn't have to come to that. We probably would be better off as friends, but it's way too late for that anymore and it breaks my heart. This is also the first relationship I've ever been in, and I for sure didn't know myself much nor what an actual committed relationship really means back then.

 

I for sure have been drained for a while now, and lately he has been joining the club as well. We both know that the relationship can't continue like this, but either way it's my call in the end and I should start making a final decision soon. Now I'm afraid to even talk to him since he's asking me all the time how I'm feeling and when I'm down I don't want to lie. But then the conversation might to turn fatal which I want to avoid as everyone since forever urge to end things face to face. And I end up feeling stuck in a rat race... the next time I'll see him is in a week as I'm now on a field station taking samples for my master's thesis.

 

He is not having sex with anyone else either. I once even brought up the option of opening up the relationship as a potential solution to that issue but he dismissed it immediately.

Link to comment

How commendable of you that after 4 years of dating you "really care a lot for him". If you really wanted to move in with him, regardless of reason you would of done it. Instead you are sticking to you "not feasible" reasoning. Im not saying that its not a good reason, but if you really saw a future with him, you would of done it. You failed to mention anything about happiness, and again, you never said you love him, just cared a lot for him.

So leads me to asking you..what is it you are getting from this agreement? Do you just like having someone care about you? Do you like knowing someone is out there that would never hurt you? Are you afraid of being the bad guy? From your initial post (and your most honest feelings) that you should not be with him and it would be best to let him go so that he can find someone better for him. Someone that will align closer to his ideas because right now, you are not ready for what he is willing to offer you.

Link to comment

I can't believe he has stayed with you for all these years without sex when he is not asexual. How old are the two of you?

 

Also, I agree with the others. You guys are one of the most incompatible couples I have ever heard of. You share almost no core values or ideas about the future. Cut this guy free so he can find someone who had the capacity to give him what he wants and needs.

Link to comment

Unfortunately you are attached but quite incompatible. Do not give up your dreams or ambitions for anyone. Are you a virgin? Is he all you know since age 19? Let go, follow your career/education path. Consider dating other men to determine if you are asexual, straight, bi, etc. or he simply doesn't float your boat, since it sounds like he is all you know.

 

If you are curious about your sexuality, get a checkup from a physician to rule out physical issues or depression, etc. Also consider talk therapy to sort out your future, your stance and preferences sexually. Do not settle for this guy or pressure or this bizarre arrangement of LDR/platonic roommates and all sorts of unknowns when it comes to dating and sexuality.

I’ve been together with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. He is 6 years older than me (29)

I live in my parent’s apartment with my brother and thus don’t need to pay rent, and as a student there is no financially wise reason for me to move out before I have an actual job.

One of the worst problems is that I realized that I’m asexual about half a year into the relationship. we’ve literally never even seen each other naked

Link to comment

Thank you so much for replying!

 

No1, thank you for the bluntness and straightforward questions! They actually helped getting some grasp on what's happening in my head. I think what I've been feeling is that the least I can do in this situation is to try and find a solution to somehow avoid the bad ending. I've mentioned breaking up a few times during the years and he's always managed to talk me out of it. He's really trying his best to keep us together though I don't see how he does it after everything that's happened...

 

SGH, honestly I can't believe it either and all my friends that know about this applaud him for it.

 

Wiseman2, thank you for the encouragement! However I am actually quite sure about the sexuality thing. Of course if it's about to change one day it will, but learning about the phenomenon explained so much about what was going in my head in high school. I even had this absolutely fabulous and foolproof plan of telling the potential boyfriend that I want to wait until marriage and just you know never get married unless I change my mind about sex :'D I always kinda expected that my mind will change eventually and decided that I need to investigate a bit more about what's happening when after dating for six months nothing had happened. Therapy might not be a bad idea nonetheless, though I have a hard time to believe that it's a medical issue.

 

I suppose everything at this stage is pointing towards having to go separate ways. I'm so heartbroken that I have to lose him from my life, he's such a fun person to hang around with and so reliable with everything... he's always done his best for the relationship and it's terrifying to betray him once and for all. I hope it's going to be for the best eventually...

I just have no clue how to approach this. I suppose the sooner the better so we can just go and start healing but how and what am I going to talk with him before we can finally meet face to face...

Link to comment

It seems like you have been upfront with him from the beginning. So he knew early on that this was the situation. You still feel the same way about your choices. He wants you to change. Not going to happen. SO just tell him straight forward - this is who you are. You shouldn't feel anxiety with people in your life. Let him go. Tell him whatever you want him to know - that you do enjoy being in his company, etc. but if he can't accept the way you are, then it's time to move on

Link to comment
Thank you so much for replying!

 

No1, thank you for the bluntness and straightforward questions! They actually helped getting some grasp on what's happening in my head. I think what I've been feeling is that the least I can do in this situation is to try and find a solution to somehow avoid the bad ending. I've mentioned breaking up a few times during the years and he's always managed to talk me out of it. He's really trying his best to keep us together though I don't see how he does it after everything that's happened...

 

 

Break ups suck and someone is going to get hurt. Sounds to me that he is really relying on you for everything and it sounds like you are tired of it. You care for him but don't see a future with him. I think you are comfortable where you are and when he gets in the "lets move in together" mood, you can talk him out of it. But its starting to bother you. If it didn't, you would not of mentioned it.

Also sounds like this guy is really leaning on you, I mean there are issues with him. He is dating a girl who clearly doesn't see a future with him and yet he cant or wont see it. So he is wishing and hoping by staying in your life, you will wake up one day and say "I really cant live without him". So to me, he is dependent on you for a lot and if that is the case it can drain you as well.

So you can postpone the break up (which sounds to be inevitable) and waste your time and his or you can be the bad guy and break it off. It will hurt him but I can tell you that being honest is better than giving false hope. Dont leave a door open by saying "maybe...." or "We can still be friends..." He sounds like a stage 3 clinger and he might need a clean break. This way you are free to find someone and he is free to find someone.. That's how I see it.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...