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Thread: Just trying to understand things

  1. #1

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    Just trying to understand things

    First of all, sorry for the longer post, I am writing a sum up of over a year in as much detail as possible. Thank you all who takes the time to read it and reply with your thoughts.

    Early last year I met a girl at my new workplace at the time, itīs a students job, so we mostly worked only weekends, and not all. We talked in work about casual stuff, work, school ( as we are both Uni students). After 3 months she added me on Facebook and randomly started hugging me on some days (which was strange to me, as girls who know me for years doesnt do that, I was basically a stranger), and she was always very nice to me. Now my mindset here was that there were other men and she wasnt hugging them, and also alot of women I also talked to but werenīt hugging me. Soon after this I had to go abroad for 2 months but I kept it open with her and texted her that we should go for coffee when I return and she replied that she "would love to go". I kept my promise and did bring up the coffee as soon as I came back and she still said she would love to go but as she is studying in another city she cant go on weekdays, but anytime on weekends.


    So I started to message her more frequently, but what bothered me is that she always replied after 3 to 6 days. So I figured if she would be super interested, she would reply more often (its not that she wasnt online, she even told me once it wasnt anything personal, she does it to everybody else ... just I didnt want to be part of the "everybody else"). But the reply was always positive, she even gave me her number. We met a few times at work, and the hugging continued, at one point she even asked me if I had someone, so I said no, and she confirmed that she doesnt have anybody either, so I replied "well I did want to ask you out" and she replied "what is keeping you from doing so?". Well what was keeping me is, as I said, she didnt text back in time, and so I wanted to ask her out spontanously for that day, after work, however she already said earlier that day that she doesnt have time that day.

    I hoped that she understood that I had interest in her, mainly after we both said we dont have a significant other. So even after this she was kinda flirtatious, asked me if I would help her pack her stuff, cause she went back to dorm that day, complimented my perfume and hair a couple of times, obviously she recieved compliments from me too. I am a skinny dude for my height and at one point she said, but in a nice way " you are so skinny, gain some weight", and I replied "So you dont like me this way?"; her response " I didnt say that".

    Kinda not understanding the situation, asking her out atleast once since still saying she was "busy", I texted her in november this "Hey, I like you, maybe more than I should, I dont know if you have noticed or not", she replied that she likes me too and noticed a little. We met about twice after this at work, but I didnt see any change. I dont know what I expected really. A few weeks later I asked her out on a date and replied " I dont know about a date, but for a friendly coffee anytime". I understood that "I dont know" means no, as I have gotten similar response before from another girl. A told the same thing to a female friend of mine, and she insisted that in her opinion the girl doesnīt know what she wants and I should try to tell her / text her how I feel once again to see if the response changes.

    So a month later I texted her with something like this: "Sorry if me asking you out came out of the blue, you are just really special to me, and I thought youīve left some hints aswell, that you might want more" The response? "Its okay, you are a really nice guy, and I really, really like you, but in this moment someone has appeared in my life, with whom we might have something in the near future, so in this moment I cannot go out on a date with you but for a friendly coffee anytime and would love to do so". Notice how she said "in this moment" twice in a single sentence. At that point I felt like she just has me as plan B and so did the people to whom I showed the message.


    We stopped texting after this, me, heartbroken, just felt like I have nothing else to say to her and she didnt look for my company either. We met after 3 months at work, she hugged me in the morning again, she was acting like nothing happened, I tried to minimize contact with her. A month later she basically confirmed on social media that she is single, and it didnt look like she had anybody in between either, that made me wonder if she really had someone just didnt work out, or just used as an excuse to reject me. I just wanted to see how would she react if I texted her again, I just wanted answers if she really did have a thought for atleast a fraction of a moment if we could be a thing. I texted her asking when she would have time that week, as usual, she replied after 4 days that she doesnt have time at all that week (this was in May), and that she is out of town but she would let me know when she comes back. 4 days later Iīve seen her at a festival in THIS city and she didnt give a damn about "letting me know".


    Thoughts and what I learned about the situation:

    a) Sadly as I said I am kinda a skinny guy and when things go south I always blame my weight for that, no matter how much people say looks arent a huge factor (well maybe not later down the line), but my personal experience suggests it is, mainly for girls around 21y.

    b) Doesnīt matter how hectic her life may have been, I think she could have found atleast that one hour for a quick coffee. Mine is just as hectic as hers, same job, also uni, but I sure would have found time for her.

    c) I might get the "well you were the nice guy, they finish last" line from one of you, I get it. But I am just being me, I am not comfortable playing a role of being a bad guy and say hey, my roommate is gone, come to me and lets f*ck.

    d) It might have been something else that turned her off and doesnīt matter how many times I went through it in my head, I guess I cant find it, thats why I would appreciate honesty on her end too and she could have said "hey, this is what I didnt like about you"

    e) Yes, I could have digested somehow that I wasnt her first choice, and obviously still like her, otherwise I wouldnt be writing this long post

    f) I do know there is little to NO chance for us to hook up with each other

    Thanx for reading, if you have any thoughts or advise for me, please do comment.
    Last edited by 1WithHammer; 06-15-2019 at 12:22 PM.

  2. #2
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    I'm sorry that this happened.

    In the future, only watch people's actions- following through with plans.

    You should not have asked more than twice. That's it. If she were interested she would have reciprocated with asking you out, you should not be asking, over and over. Plus, she should have responding to your texts in a faster manner. That was another clue.

    The "nice guy finishing last" is bunch of crap. You did show that you did not respect yourself by continuing to ask her out.

    Honestly, I think that she is an attention seeker, and only thought of you as a friend. Please go NC and do not respond to her. You invested in her, for way too long.

    Find a nice girl who will appreciate you!

    If you are uncomfortable with your body, then start hitting the gym. I do not think that this would be an obstacle, as I see many girls dating skinny guys. We all have our types.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Try to work on self-confidence and wean yourself off that type of insecure thinking regarding your body type. Second, be clear about what you're looking for in a new partner. This is unclear in your write up. You may be looking for something more serious but are sexually frustrated. That particular mix is very unappealing on anyone, most of all to someone who isn't attracted to you at all. Learn to pull back a little and take a hint. Don't take it personally and meet new people. Don't be discouraged.

  4. #4

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    Thank you for the responses

    The whole body is just a side thing, Iīve been working out lately, but obviously its a longer process.

    I know what I did, I should have kept asking her out, but frankly early on I believed her, that she really doesnīt have time and I am not the clubbing type, nor do I meet alot of women, so I was holding on.

    I just canīt understand if she knew how I felt and she doesnīt want the same, why still do the hugging? I understand she might wanna stay friends, but this is something she shouldnīt do.

    And yes, I definitely wanted a something serious and long term with her.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Hugging may have been a friendly thing for her. Anyway. Try to avoid the friendzone if you like a woman, in that case distance yourself and move forward.

    Rock who you are. Make the best of yourself. Get a good haircut, facial hair look, glasses, etc.. Get some good clothes that fit well and work for your build. Get a few good 'date outfits'. Be well groomed.

    Focus on developing charisma. Smile a lot, laugh easily, be a good listener, be creative and have a decent sense of humor. Don't try to be some stereotype. Look at some rock stars.
    Originally Posted by 1WithHammer
    I just canīt understand if she knew how I felt and she doesnīt want the same, why still do the hugging? .

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by 1WithHammer
    Thank you for the responses

    The whole body is just a side thing, Iīve been working out lately, but obviously its a longer process.

    I know what I did, I should have kept asking her out, but frankly early on I believed her, that she really doesnīt have time and I am not the clubbing type, nor do I meet alot of women, so I was holding on.

    I just canīt understand if she knew how I felt and she doesnīt want the same, why still do the hugging? I understand she might wanna stay friends, but this is something she shouldnīt do.

    And yes, I definitely wanted a something serious and long term with her.
    There are many who are attention seekers, and don't care if they hurt others as long as they are getting the attention.
    I would not put any more weight into the hugs, as she has declined all of your invites out. This is the only thing you should focus on. I'm sorry, she is not interested.


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