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Thread: Will this work in the end?

  1. #1
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    Will this work in the end?

    I recently found out my boyfriend of nine years and who I live with cheated on me while he was on vacation. He came clean to me and was very apologetic and said he messed up. He said he got drunk and the opportunity was presented to him and he took it. He said he feels the reason he did it because it was something different. He says that he feels our relationship has become stale and too comfortable. We talked about how yes there was lack of communication between both parties and I am willing to take steps to be more open and make this work. I asked him if he wants us to work and he said he does but isnít sure it can. He loves me but he doesnít know if he wants to commit to me forever. I was never one to push for marriage. I am happy just being together. I told him I really want this relationship to work and I gave him space by staying at my moms house and I told him he needs to talk to someone about this because itís been eating him up inside and when heís ready to talk again, Iíll be here.

  2. #2
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    If you've lived with him for 9 years, why did he go on vacation without you?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    I think there is a serious issue present in your relationship if he cheated and YOU are the one doing all the leg work to try to keep the two of you together.

    My guess is, he's been done for awhile and you know that if you stop overcompensating for him that there won't be a relationship to save.

    I figure you won't listen to me, because you seem content to settle for someone who obviously doesn't respect you at all, but please leave this man. You can clearly do better than this.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Without the two of you going to counselling to help you figure out where and when you started to take each other for granted, the relationship is unlikely to improve, particularly because your common law spouse isn't sounding like he wants to put in the work.

    Do yourself, your self respect and your self esteem a favor and ask him to go to marriage counseling with you and if he won't, then don't keep grovelling and over compensating to try and win him over. Doing that will just enable him to be apathetic while he moves on from you in the comfort of your administrations. If he never has to realize what life will be without you then he will never do the work to keep you in his life so leave him, go zero contact and learn to live without him.

    It's too bad that relationship has come to this but DO NOT let him put the blame on you for him cheating. If he wasn't getting his needs met with you, then he should have had the ballzzz to talk to you about things and you BOTH work towards getting thing back on track. It takes two for a relationship to work or to fail and he didn't give you a chance to remedy.

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  6. #5
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    Does not sound like you ask for much at all. This is sad. So, you would continue with this guy for as long as he will have you around? Yikes.

    He has already told you that there is no future with him. I think that it is time to make your exit and find someone who will not cheat, and who is passionate about you!

    This guy does not respect or love you.

  7. #6
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    In 9 years you never pushed for marriage.
    And after 9 years he says he doesnít know if he will ever want to commit to you forever.

    4 years ago you should have pushed for commitment and his answer he is giving you now would have been his answer 4 Years ago. And then you could have cut your losses and left.
    But here you are now 9 years later with infidelity in the mix.

    Do you think it will work out in the end?
    And what is your end goal? Whatís his?
    Do you want marriage and/or children? Does he?
    If they donít align then they donít.

    He doesnít sound remorseful about his cheating. And he has given several reasons as to why he cheated.
    He was drunk.
    The opportunity presented itself.
    It was something different to do.
    Your relationship is stale.

    Seriously?? I think he just wanted out and hadnít the balls to do it properly.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by spg3006
    He loves me but he doesnít know if he wants to commit to me forever.
    This is how a pro-cheater ices a cow pie into cake for one.

    Will this work?
    For him yes, for you..., more wasted years.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Wow. He blames you for his cheating. Move out asap. This may not be the first and certainly won't be the last time. Don't be a doormat.
    Originally Posted by spg3006
    He said he feels the reason he did it because it was something different. He says that he feels our relationship has become stale and too comfortable.

  10. #9
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You can't get over cheating with this guy because he'll just do it again - he said he can't commit to you.

  11. #10
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    Unfortunately, I think him cheating brought to light the fact that he has been emotionally checked out of your relationship for a long time.

    When someone cheats and isn't trying to ask for forgiveness or make steps to rectify it, it's just about as good as done. I get that he is sorry that it came to this, but I don't think he regrets that he is finally letting you know the truth about his feelings and lack of commitment.

    I think you need to prepare yourself for a break-up. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

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