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Thread: Birthdays and friendships

  1. #1
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Birthdays and friendships

    I just need to let this out and I donít know who else to tell. Iím not even sure I have a question. Weíll see how this ramble goes.

    This week was my birthday. As with all my other birthdays, it was uneventful. I got the obligatory happy birthday Facebook posts and texts from people I rarely talk to, a few more heartfelt texts, and that was about it. I didnít talk about it because it wasnít a big deal. I didnít make plans because it wasnít a big deal. Whatever, Iím an adult, birthdays donít matter much.

    A coworker joked that he was surprised, since Iím a ďbirthday NaziĒ and celebrate everyone elseís birthday in the office.

    Ok. So the real part of the story.

    One of my neighbors found out it was my birthday a few days ago. He was genuinely upset, hurt even, that I didnít tell him. It wasnít personal - I didnít talk about it in general. He brought me flowers and organized a huge group to go out with me on very short notice (no, heís not romantically interested - heís going through a divorce and is a good friend to everyone). I had like 8 of my neighbors out with me. They made it a big deal. They asked why I was so nonchalant. They wanted to make bigger, better, more plans to celebrate.

    I just got back from the bar and I canít stop crying.

    Why is that? Well, very simply: I have never had anyone want to celebrate me. I can think of literally no time in my life where someone *else* planned something for me. I ALWAYS plan any event I want to do. I often have to wrangle a group. People drop out last minute, and those leftover only half care.

    We had a work event tonight. I got a ticket to go, but I couldnít get a group organized. No one texted me to ask where I was, to have me join their group, anything - my attempts to coordinate were unsuccessful, and if I didnít try that, no one would reach out to me.

    My team has a group chat without me.

    My ďbest friendsĒ donít talk to me unless I initiate.

    I get picked on constantly.

    Basically, if I donít plan it, no one thinks to include me.

    So why am I crying?

    Well, the age old adage. If itís everyone else, then itís a me problem. Right? But itís not everyone else. I have literally 20 friends at my apartment complex and my friends tonight told me repeatedly they love me. That they want to celebrate me.

    So now Iím realizing maybe itís not a me thing (entirely, at least) and that Iíve just had sh***y friends for YEARS.

    Iíve never been anyoneís priority, anyoneís first (or frankly second) choice. Iím an after thought, if Iím even a thought. But not tonight.

    And now all that hurt has bubbled up again.

    So what do I do with this information?! I mean, clearly I have friends that are good NOW. So maybe I shouldnít complain. But all those years of hurt, of self loathing and blame... maybe I have bad taste in friends? Maybe itís not all just a ME issue?

    I donít know. But Iím hurting something fierce right now.

    I guess my question just is what do I do with this information now. They say itís ďbetter to have loved and lost than to have never loved at allĒ. I didnít know I had bad friends until tonight. Iíve ďlovedĒ now. And I almost wish I was still naive.

  2. #2
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    Happy Birthday!!!!

    I think you should focus on the folks who really value and care about you. It sounds like it was a great time tonight

    Times like this can be painful, but it is also a necessary kick in the rear when we need to make life changes-been there, done that. I think you need stop putting in any effort with people who are not reciprocating. Relationships should not be one-sided. You need to recognize that you deserve more than this, and establish proper boundaries in your life. When you do make the adjustments, it will be life changing. I would also suggest you expand your friend circle.

    Make this the year that you make positive change for you. It makes life a lot easier.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Happy Birthday!!!!

    I think you should focus on the folks who really value and care about you. It sounds like it was a great time tonight

    Times like this can be painful, but it is also a necessary kick in the rear when we need to make life changes-been there, done that. I think you need stop putting in any effort with people who are not reciprocating. Relationships should not be one-sided. You need to recognize that you deserve more than this, and establish proper boundaries in your life. When you do make the adjustments, it will be life changing. I would also suggest you expand your friend circle.

    Make this the year that you make positive change for you. It makes life a lot easier.
    Thank you so much :)

    I like the way you phrase this. It sounds obvious maybe, but I always thought something was wrong with me so I should take what I could get and be content putting in all the work because thatís the way it would be.

    But your view is so positive. Thank you :) I needed that

  4. #4
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    I have been where you are at. Believe it or not, it is cleansing and strengthening when you remove the dead weight.

    Have a great weekend and continue to celebrate!

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Happy Birthday mustlovedogs! (Btw, I'm a dog lover, too even though my 14 yr old Golden Retriever passed away this year.)

    Cherish your neighbors as true, sincere, great friends and just remain civil yet politely distant toward everyone else.

    Know the difference between your neighbors who care for you, who are willing to spend time with you and think of you instead of themselves. Focus on gratitude because most people don't have anyone who cares about their birthdays.

    No pity pot. Just enjoy being with people who wish to celebrate your birthday with you!

  7. #6
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    Happy birthday :)

    In one word, yes, you had bad friends.
    The best thing about changing environments and meeting new people is that you discover that there are a lot more different types of people than you thought. It's easy to find yourself on a slippery slope of self doubting and self loathing.

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Happy Birthday!!!!!
    I am glad your neighbours made you feel special! We all need people to make us feel special once in a while . Dump the dead weight and hang out with the people who care.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Happy Birthday!!!! :)

    Don't take it personally how others behave. I've been where you have been. You know what I did? I changed. I stopped chasing, calling, etc.

    I found other people who actually reciprocate and want to know how I am as much as I do to them too.

    My circle is now smaller, but nicer. Quality over quantity as they say. ;)

  10. #9
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Thank you all so much. Your comments are all so empowering. I appreciate it! Now that Iíve woken up Iím in a much better mood. Thank you all again!!!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Just chiming in with a big ol' HDB to YOU!

    It sounds like you had a truly beautiful day yesterdayóand, yeah, I'm including what got stirred up. Sometimes we need those purges. They're to be celebrated, right there alongside birthdays.

    Life is about shedding husks, and sometimes people, and this sounds like one of those moments for you. Doesn't have to be aggressive, but just a graceful transition. Life showed you a bit of light yesterday. Keep walking in that direction.

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