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Birthdays and friendships


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I just need to let this out and I don’t know who else to tell. I’m not even sure I have a question. We’ll see how this ramble goes.

 

This week was my birthday. As with all my other birthdays, it was uneventful. I got the obligatory happy birthday Facebook posts and texts from people I rarely talk to, a few more heartfelt texts, and that was about it. I didn’t talk about it because it wasn’t a big deal. I didn’t make plans because it wasn’t a big deal. Whatever, I’m an adult, birthdays don’t matter much.

 

A coworker joked that he was surprised, since I’m a “birthday Nazi” and celebrate everyone else’s birthday in the office.

 

Ok. So the real part of the story.

 

One of my neighbors found out it was my birthday a few days ago. He was genuinely upset, hurt even, that I didn’t tell him. It wasn’t personal - I didn’t talk about it in general. He brought me flowers and organized a huge group to go out with me on very short notice (no, he’s not romantically interested - he’s going through a divorce and is a good friend to everyone). I had like 8 of my neighbors out with me. They made it a big deal. They asked why I was so nonchalant. They wanted to make bigger, better, more plans to celebrate.

 

I just got back from the bar and I can’t stop crying.

 

Why is that? Well, very simply: I have never had anyone want to celebrate me. I can think of literally no time in my life where someone *else* planned something for me. I ALWAYS plan any event I want to do. I often have to wrangle a group. People drop out last minute, and those leftover only half care.

 

We had a work event tonight. I got a ticket to go, but I couldn’t get a group organized. No one texted me to ask where I was, to have me join their group, anything - my attempts to coordinate were unsuccessful, and if I didn’t try that, no one would reach out to me.

 

My team has a group chat without me.

 

My “best friends” don’t talk to me unless I initiate.

 

I get picked on constantly.

 

Basically, if I don’t plan it, no one thinks to include me.

 

So why am I crying?

 

Well, the age old adage. If it’s everyone else, then it’s a me problem. Right? But it’s not everyone else. I have literally 20 friends at my apartment complex and my friends tonight told me repeatedly they love me. That they want to celebrate me.

 

So now I’m realizing maybe it’s not a me thing (entirely, at least) and that I’ve just had sh***y friends for YEARS.

 

I’ve never been anyone’s priority, anyone’s first (or frankly second) choice. I’m an after thought, if I’m even a thought. But not tonight.

 

And now all that hurt has bubbled up again.

 

So what do I do with this information?! I mean, clearly I have friends that are good NOW. So maybe I shouldn’t complain. But all those years of hurt, of self loathing and blame... maybe I have bad taste in friends? Maybe it’s not all just a ME issue?

 

I don’t know. But I’m hurting something fierce right now.

 

I guess my question just is what do I do with this information now. They say it’s “better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”. I didn’t know I had bad friends until tonight. I’ve “loved” now. And I almost wish I was still naive.

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Happy Birthday!!!!

 

I think you should focus on the folks who really value and care about you. It sounds like it was a great time tonight

 

Times like this can be painful, but it is also a necessary kick in the rear when we need to make life changes-been there, done that. I think you need stop putting in any effort with people who are not reciprocating. Relationships should not be one-sided. You need to recognize that you deserve more than this, and establish proper boundaries in your life. When you do make the adjustments, it will be life changing. I would also suggest you expand your friend circle.

 

Make this the year that you make positive change for you. It makes life a lot easier.

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Happy Birthday!!!!

 

I think you should focus on the folks who really value and care about you. It sounds like it was a great time tonight

 

Times like this can be painful, but it is also a necessary kick in the rear when we need to make life changes-been there, done that. I think you need stop putting in any effort with people who are not reciprocating. Relationships should not be one-sided. You need to recognize that you deserve more than this, and establish proper boundaries in your life. When you do make the adjustments, it will be life changing. I would also suggest you expand your friend circle.

 

Make this the year that you make positive change for you. It makes life a lot easier.

 

Thank you so much :)

 

I like the way you phrase this. It sounds obvious maybe, but I always thought something was wrong with me so I should take what I could get and be content putting in all the work because that’s the way it would be.

 

But your view is so positive. Thank you :) I needed that

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Happy Birthday mustlovedogs! (Btw, I'm a dog lover, too even though my 14 yr old Golden Retriever passed away this year.)

 

Cherish your neighbors as true, sincere, great friends and just remain civil yet politely distant toward everyone else.

 

Know the difference between your neighbors who care for you, who are willing to spend time with you and think of you instead of themselves. Focus on gratitude because most people don't have anyone who cares about their birthdays.

 

No pity pot. Just enjoy being with people who wish to celebrate your birthday with you!

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Happy birthday :)

 

In one word, yes, you had bad friends.

The best thing about changing environments and meeting new people is that you discover that there are a lot more different types of people than you thought. It's easy to find yourself on a slippery slope of self doubting and self loathing.

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Happy Birthday!!!! :)

 

Don't take it personally how others behave. I've been where you have been. You know what I did? I changed. I stopped chasing, calling, etc.

 

I found other people who actually reciprocate and want to know how I am as much as I do to them too.

 

My circle is now smaller, but nicer. Quality over quantity as they say. ;)

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Just chiming in with a big ol' HDB to YOU!

 

It sounds like you had a truly beautiful day yesterday—and, yeah, I'm including what got stirred up. Sometimes we need those purges. They're to be celebrated, right there alongside birthdays.

 

Life is about shedding husks, and sometimes people, and this sounds like one of those moments for you. Doesn't have to be aggressive, but just a graceful transition. Life showed you a bit of light yesterday. Keep walking in that direction.

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I've had friends. I've had good friends. I've never had a "bad" friend. And with respect to those who have, I can't say I'd extend the title to friends who don't go out of their way to organize celebrations with you. Even insofar as you've got friends you're the most commonly doing the reaching out to, it's either worth it or it isn't. Obviously don't tolerate harmful behavior towards you, but absent that, I'd focus on the value you get from whatever dynamic you've got with someone rather than whether they should be reaching out to you more or organizing events for you, or even just in general how you feel they should behave in filling the role of "friend."

 

My close friends reach out to hang out just as often as I do. I'd say that's what makes them a close friend. Still, even if you're the type to consider anything else an acquaintance rather than a friend, it sounds miserable and pretty petty to go the whole extra step of thinking them a "bad friend." I've had people I'd considered simply friends and whom I might reach out to most the time for something like pickup basketball, or who may have been the one reaching out to me to catch a new movie. It's fine. If I need a closer friend, I find closer friends. No negative feelings toward the others necessary. IMO, sentiments like "bad friends," "dead weight," etc. are unnecessary drama. I don't have the time or patience, and even if I did, I wouldn't have the desire to concern myself with any of that.

 

IMO, your neighbor getting outright offended you didn't tell him it's your birthday is weird. As is someone who assumes they can impose on your time with plans, even if intended for your benefit. But it worked for you and you enjoyed it, so I suppose it's a good weird, and I'm happy it happened then. However, I'd say the majority of adults, whether good friends or "bad friends," don't tend to assume when, how, or even whether someone else wants to celebrate their birthday that year. I think yours did just fine remembering and reaching you out with well wishes. Only real time friends of ours organize a birthday event for another is if that other person is their husband or wife. Otherwise, we pretty much bank on each other accounting for our own leisure and giving us a day, time, and place. People then bring a gift / card and make sure the honoree's food and drinks are taken care of.

 

It looks like you've got a close friend in your neighbor. I'd value and build on that. Whatever you wanna call the others, you do you. Ultimately, they haven't done anything wrong to you and haven't prevented you from seeking out more fulfilling friendships, so it's hard to label them as bad anythings. You gotta take responsibility for your own social life. If you feel you're lacking more fulfilling friendships, that's fair enough, but it's still on you. Best of luck, and belated happy birthday!

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I have a very lengthy thread here about a "friend" I decided to remove from my life at the end of last year. She wasn't a positive, or even neutral, influence in my life, and I removed her.

 

As I removed her, I started realizing that over the past several years, I've removed many people from my life who just weren't there for me, while I was there for them.

 

Something interesting happened: the more negative people I removed, the more friends I had. It was this interesting phenomenon. I spent years.....no, decades....maintaining my end of toxic friendships, or friendships that were only one-sided, afraid that that was all I had. This particular "friend" (now an ex) was the last one, the most toxic, but connected to so many other people. I was so afraid! Afraid that, by removing these people, I'd be left alone, with zero friends, having to start over, which at my age, isn't easy.

 

But the fewer friends I had, the more friends I had. By removing the toxicity, and staying firm in the removal, more people reached out to me. I started getting these weird invitations, from people I never really thought of as friends, but whom I really like. Just last week, I had drinks with one super neat woman, and I was invited to an engagement party of another, and lunch with another.

 

My point to you is, if people aren't positive influences in your life....even if they're just neutral, as you say, they only accept invites but never reciprocate, or they might show up or might bail......ditch 'em. Move 'em on. Because, as you've seen, the people who like you, seem to really like you!

 

And guess what....I bet if you arrange the next outing with these people, not only will they not bail, but they'll all show up! Because you seem to have found this group, or rather this group seems to have found you, of people who genuinely want to spend time with you!

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I've had friends. I've had good friends. I've never had a "bad" friend. And with respect to those who have, I can't say I'd extend the title to friends who don't go out of their way to organize celebrations with you. Even insofar as you've got friends you're the most commonly doing the reaching out to, it's either worth it or it isn't. Obviously don't tolerate harmful behavior towards you, but absent that, I'd focus on the value you get from whatever dynamic you've got with someone rather than whether they should be reaching out to you more or organizing events for you, or even just in general how you feel they should behave in filling the role of "friend."

 

My close friends reach out to hang out just as often as I do. I'd say that's what makes them a close friend. Still, even if you're the type to consider anything else an acquaintance rather than a friend, it sounds miserable and pretty petty to go the whole extra step of thinking them a "bad friend." I've had people I'd considered simply friends and whom I might reach out to most the time for something like pickup basketball, or who may have been the one reaching out to me to catch a new movie. It's fine. If I need a closer friend, I find closer friends. No negative feelings toward the others necessary. IMO, sentiments like "bad friends," "dead weight," etc. are unnecessary drama. I don't have the time or patience, and even if I did, I wouldn't have the desire to concern myself with any of that.

 

IMO, your neighbor getting outright offended you didn't tell him it's your birthday is weird. As is someone who assumes they can impose on your time with plans, even if intended for your benefit. But it worked for you and you enjoyed it, so I suppose it's a good weird, and I'm happy it happened then. However, I'd say the majority of adults, whether good friends or "bad friends," don't tend to assume when, how, or even whether someone else wants to celebrate their birthday that year. I think yours did just fine remembering and reaching you out with well wishes. Only real time friends of ours organize a birthday event for another is if that other person is their husband or wife. Otherwise, we pretty much bank on each other accounting for our own leisure and giving us a day, time, and place. People then bring a gift / card and make sure the honoree's food and drinks are taken care of.

 

It looks like you've got a close friend in your neighbor. I'd value and build on that. Whatever you wanna call the others, you do you. Ultimately, they haven't done anything wrong to you and haven't prevented you from seeking out more fulfilling friendships, so it's hard to label them as bad anythings. You gotta take responsibility for your own social life. If you feel you're lacking more fulfilling friendships, that's fair enough, but it's still on you. Best of luck, and belated happy birthday!

 

i agree with this^ and quoting again for emphasis.

 

Esp third paragraph, bolded. I am a very private person and I would have been quite taken aback by all that. Not even sure I would have trusted his motivations, seems like it may have been a bit self-serving to me.

 

But as j.man said, if you enjoyed it, that's all that matters.

 

I have close friends I haven't spoken w or seen in months. But when we catch up, it seems like no time passed and we're always there for each other when needed.

 

To me, that's a true friend not how often they call/text or want to grab a beer.

 

I have acquaintances that do this, they're lots of fun but I wouldn't count on them to be there for me during a time of need.

 

That said, I agree with surrounding yourself w positive people and those who add to your life.

 

Reject negative people and those who bring you down.

 

Try to not it personally, it's no reflection on you as a beautiful valuable human being, it's their issue, within themselves.

 

My step sister is this way, it used to being me down but I've learned to distance myself from all that negativity, and when I have to see her, I remain cordial and reject the negativity, remaining happy and positive.

 

Not sure if that makes sense MLD but have found the more you choose to surround yourself with positive genuine people who have your best interests at heart versus those who are self-serving, the more positive people you will attract and draw towards you.

 

Lastly, happy belated, and much happiness and peace moving forward! :D

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You seem to have put a damper on the wonderful birthday celebration your neighbor planned by getting upset about things that happened in the past or that are negatives instead of, you know, enjoying yourself and focusing on positives.

 

I find myself doing that at work; focusing on the struggles I have to go through and the issues I have to put up with instead of celebrating the things my team and I DO accomplish. I am going to stop that, because being negative doesn't help me.

 

Try to enjoy who and what you do have. You can't change how the others behave, so don't spend time getting upset about it.

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You seem to have put a damper on the wonderful birthday celebration your neighbor planned by getting upset about things that happened in the past or that are negatives instead of, you know, enjoying yourself and focusing on positives.

 

I find myself doing that at work; focusing on the struggles I have to go through and the issues I have to put up with instead of celebrating the things my team and I DO accomplish. I am going to stop that, because being negative doesn't help me.

 

Try to enjoy who and what you do have. You can't change how the others behave, so don't spend time getting upset about it.

 

No, it only happened as I walked home alone. The rest of the night was lovely. :)

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I'm somewhat similar to you. I've done A LOT for others for the greater part of my life. I've always organized gatherings, did a ton of cooking for delicious buffet spreads whether in my home, another person's home, at parks or wherever. I've always initiated everything and made it happen. People raved about my cooking. I believe delicious food is a huge part of the entertainment.

 

My sister on the other hand is lousy at party planning. She orders crappy tasting food such as chicken nuggets, deli mac salad, deli everything, frozen meatballs in a crockpot and her party food is abysmal. I find her way to be quite embarrassing to tell you the truth. Her nerve is appalling to me and I don't approve. I would NEVER feed my guests crap.

 

My husband always made sure we had great (not loud) background music. He'd arrange music tracks of easy listening music which added great ambience to all of my parties for any occasion. Couple that with my 'Martha Stewart' buffet table with delicious food and guests were entertained with extreme thoroughness. Go big or go home.

 

I did this for years and eventually burned out. I always made it a happen whereas no one else did. They all waited for me to do everything. I got sick 'n tired of it so I went on strike.

 

Nowadays, I take the easy route. We meet the in-laws and my relatives at local restaurants, spend time together for a few hours and then gleefully go home! No fuss no muss. I don't have to knock myself out anymore. Let someone else menu plan, grocery shop, cook and wash dirty dishes, pots 'n pans. It works.

 

As for my birthday, I don't expect anything. I simply have a low key dinner at a nice restaurant with my husband. I don't need anymore gifts and clutter. If I want something, I go ahead and buy it for myself throughout the year. I don't have to wait until my birthday or Christmas to get what I want. I prefer an outing such as a picnic at the beach or park with my husband. Or, we cook a yummy dinner at home and I buy myself a new purse online!

 

Instead of a lot of friends, I have a few core, best friends. My very best friend is from 4th grade and fortunately, she didn't move away and remained local. She was my maid-of-honor. Our sons are the same age. We meet for all day outings once a month. For our birthdays, we treat each other to a dine out meal and give gifts. For my other friends for birthdays, we'll eat out, go Dutch (everyone pays for their own meal) and no gifts. For other friends, relatives and in-laws someone will pop a birthday card in the postal (snail) mail which is thoughtful and good enough for me.

 

In the past, my mother and siblings and I gave each other money and gift cards for birthdays and Christmas. However, we put a stop to that because it became too costly due to children and cousins between them. Cards are permissible but no more money giving which saves everyone's wallet. We meet at restaurants for family birthdays and for holidays, it's a big holiday potluck meal at my sister's or my MIL & FIL's (mother-in-law & father-in-law's) houses. With the in-laws, there are limited gift exchanges.

 

Try not to look at it as a "ME" issue. If you don't have expectations, you won't get hurt. I know you're fiercely hurt. This is how the world is. People don't care, have their own troubles, selfish and very busy. They all want convenience and let you do all the work, initiating and want to make you sweat. They want to take easy street. Been there done that.

 

Learn to to enjoy life on a smaller scale and you will find happiness in the little things. It's not about winning a popularity contest. Tone it down with your expectations and simplify your life. You will learn how to be grateful for everything.

 

Another way to look at it is, since you know how people are in your life, continue initiating gatherings or parties and find happiness by making others happy. Try not to think of them as people who should reciprocate your good deeds. Your care and love for them should be unconditional and this world is filled with one-way love, unfortunately. Seek happiness by making others happy without keeping score. Change the way you think and change your perspective. Then it's no longer about you or the "ME" feelings. Transform your hurt, pain, feelings of insult and offense into joy and making others happy. When you see how others are happy and quietly enjoy your efforts, you will start to feel gratified, rewarded and appreciated.

 

Keep in mind, many people don't have the talent, skill nor inclination to do anything other than be your guest. They're not good at it, not motivated and have no desire to put forth any type of effort for you. This is how the world is so grow accustomed to their ways! Accept human nature and you won't feel hurt and insulted anymore.

 

Change the way you think. Instead of sulking over this, be grateful if people accept your invitation and give you their TIME. People have better things to do. They're extremely busy working, trying to survive day to day, running errands, taking care of their personal needs, paying bills, maintaining households, spending time with their families and loved ones, doing chores, tasks, in school, have children or what have you yet they take the time to be with you. I'm grateful for other people's time because their time is priceless to me. Sure, you're initiating, organizing, perhaps cooking, too but people's attendance to all of your planning is the difference. Without friends or guests willing to take time out of their hectic lives to spend time with you, there is no social event to be had. Remember that. People love and care for you whenever they give you their time which you can never put a price on.

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Thank you for the cyber hugs!

 

And above - I think what I mean has been misunderstood.

 

I’m not talking about people doing things for me. I’m talking about being included, being remembered. I’m not saying my friends do nothing if it weren’t for me, I’m saying I don’t get included unless I plan it. They all go out - I only get included if I plan it. Does that make sense?

 

Other things. I was briefly in the hospital and had a surgery a few years ago. The doctors originally thought the prognosis was quite awful, but they ended up changing their diagnosis to something much less severe. Anyway. I had surgery. Literally none of my friends reached out. I’m not saying none of them sent me flowers or cards or bears or came and visited - I’m saying I literally didn’t even hear from them. Radio silence.

 

What I was upset about is more base than not getting gifts or whatever. I was upset to realize how little I mattered to the people I thought mattered, because now I had something to compare it to.

 

I have pared down my expectations so far that I didn’t mention my birthday. I didn’t want to do anything, I wanted it low key, because that hurts less than having expectations. This isn’t an expectations issue.

 

I’ve never been treated as well I was last night. Never. So now it’s the realization that (1) my prior hurt before I forced myself to stop any expectations was at least somewhat valid, (2) the friendships I thought I had are as bad (or inauthentic?) as I had thought they were, (3) I had beat myself up for years for being unlovable or unlikeable and maybe that’s not true.

 

Lots of realizations. Lots of emotions. Because, like I said, I’ve never had that before.

 

Even getting the HBD wishes here are making me uncomfortable!! Too much me me me. Not used to it. I wanna slink back into the shadows because I’ve allowed myself to be a shadow dweller for half a decade once I dropped expectations.

 

Maybe this clears up why I was emotional.

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Just chiming in with a big ol' HDB to YOU!

 

It sounds like you had a truly beautiful day yesterday—and, yeah, I'm including what got stirred up. Sometimes we need those purges. They're to be celebrated, right there alongside birthdays.

 

Life is about shedding husks, and sometimes people, and this sounds like one of those moments for you. Doesn't have to be aggressive, but just a graceful transition. Life showed you a bit of light yesterday. Keep walking in that direction.

 

Wanted to respond to you specifically. I think what you’re saying, about the purge, is spot on. It’s not that I got bad news yesterday, but rather I had a massive, almost life altering realization. Sounds cheesy, but when that hit me... wow. I was completely thrown.

 

I like the light. Thanks BC :)

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I know it hurts not to be included and remembered. I'm sorry. If you only get included if you plan it, then you'll have to plan it if you wish to be included. There is no way around this. Others won't budge so it's up to you to make it happen otherwise nothing will happen. There is no choice. Or, ignore and accept the situation for what it is. Again, I'm very sorry.

 

I'm sorry about the radio silence following your surgery. I too received radio silence after not one but two ACL reconstructions. The only exception was one friend who brought flowers, snacks and sat on my living room couch for about an hour visiting me post-op while I wore a thigh to foot, very heavy, cumbersome, thick post-ACL reconstruction brace. Family and in-laws didn't deliver meals to me despite my doing it for them for many, many years throughout the year for decades. I never receive reciprocation nor do I keep score. It is what it is. There's nothing I can do about it and neither can you. Often times, doing good deeds to others is a one-way street. Either accept this is how people are or be the bigger person and do something for others whenever their lives are turned upside down and without expectations in return.

 

Sigh. People are people and most of them are indifferent. This is the way of the world. Don't be so shocked nor surprised. Either do nothing for them or break the mold, be gracious and make others happy whether it's special attention for them, meals for them, giving them your time, attention, gifts, helping them during their time of need or whatever. Since this world is full of bad people, be different and set yourself apart from the pack or the crowd.

 

Or, you can take the passive aggressive approach by ignoring them as they've done unto you. I've done this with a lot of people in my life so we're even.

 

As for your birthday, even though it's strange and weird for neighbors to make a fuss over you, I would take it and appreciate it very much. Your neighbor and other neighbors were very kind and I would definitely count them as being very special. Perhaps this is the time to think that it's your neighbors who "walk the talk and talk the talk" friends instead of other people in your life. You've discovered that they're NOT hypocrites and they were selfless by celebrating your birthday with you. I'd feel a world of gratitude toward your neighbor who rounded up everyone else to make you happy on your birthday. I'd write a nice handwritten note and give it to him and others, too. What a gracious, very kind neighbor you have and friends who attended your celebration. You are blessed.

 

Since you now know who your real friends are, perhaps arrange a potluck among your neighbors as a "no occasion at all" type party. I think that would be fun this summer.

 

Try not to be emotional. Emotions cloud one's judgment.

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Happy Birthday!!!!

 

I think you should focus on the folks who really value and care about you.

 

Completely agree with this!!! Why waste any energy, thoughts and time on those that don't? I truly wish these people the best. Other than that I have no interest in such individuals.

 

Happy belated birthday, mustlovedogs!

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