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when you will never be together


foreverblue

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hi everyone,

 

when I first met A i didnt believe in love especiallly not love at first sight. I ignored him for a while, but we had a few conversations i found myself falling and it was too late.

 

I accepted him for everything he was, is and could be. I loved him and still do with my inner being. When i ask myself why, I dont have a reason because he hasnt done anything to win me over.

 

Its been five years and even though we havent had a date (i know its sounds crazy) i have been away for ed. and he was working on his successful business it

 

seems likke we have gone through alot together. Because when i was having problems he was there to listen, he was a shoulder and I am not ready to let go. there wasnt anything physical but still

 

I know those will say "get a life" "get a hobby" "find someone else" I have those things. I was trying to move on with someone else but i A was always in the back of my mind.

 

Has anyone been thru this before? This level of intensity hurts alot and doesnt seem to fade with time.

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i dont feel that hes interested in me in that way. I have asked him but he makes excuses and he has other women who he dates.

 

I know he is attracted to me so i dont know. Theres no explanation to why we talk to each other besides maybe he knows I enjoy the connection I feel with him otherwise I would feel a deep sense of lonliness. I think hes been there before.

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People choose not to date someone for various reasons and there may be things about you that he doesn't agree with or doesn't like but isn't comfortable being that honest with you. If you feel you're fine living in this dream world, I don't think there's anything wrong about it in general and you don't seem to be harming anyone.

 

If instead what you really are doing is limiting yourself and self-sabotaging from finding a truly fulfilling relationship or aren't growing in your personal life (so much that it hinders your ability to find or nurture healthy relationships), then you've probably got bigger problems than this guy.

 

It's really up to you and what you feel is best for yourself and your happiness.

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i dont feel that hes interested in me in that way. I have asked him but he makes excuses and he has other women who he dates.

 

I know he is attracted to me so i dont know. Theres no explanation to why we talk to each other besides maybe he knows I enjoy the connection I feel with him otherwise I would feel a deep sense of lonliness. I think hes been there before.

 

You clearly know he is not interested. So what’s your question??

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I think you're imagining this "love" and actually getting high off your own fantasy. It definitely isn't healthy and will stop you from meeting someone who is acrually interested. However, you are an adult and get to choose whether you feed this or not.

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If he's not asking you out on dates and trying to kiss you, he's not interested in you romantically. It's probably just friends forever.

 

All you can do is date other guys and try to find a replacement. Eventually you'll get over your crush. Until then, you are living a life of quiet desperation.

 

Real life is not like you see in the Hollywood movies. You get one chance per person at love.

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Forever, What do you actually get from holding on to this fantasy? I think that you are very afraid of letting someone get close, so you cling on to this guy.

 

Possibly, i am not interested in letting anyone in. its not like I sit and obssess about him. I have been actively engaged in my life. But whenever he pops up, the same feelings of interest and love come into my mind.

its honestly a curse the only way to stop its to completely block the person which I will do.

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The most powerful crushes from which we'll ever need to learn how to grieve, heal and move on are the self-invented fantasies we create 'about' someone in our own mind.

 

People form these kinds of crushes on celebrities and authors and teachers all the time. It's like a rite of passage, and when we can teach ourselves how to accept reality rather than stoke a fantasy life, we can come out the other side more confident in our resilience and our ability to heal from the slings and arrows of real life.

 

This requires suffering dis-illusionment.

 

It's most difficult to let go of living inside our head when we have allowed our real life to become too mundane and boring in comparison. When you consider that even the most exciting lives can still present a challenge to letting go of fantasies, you can take some comfort in the fact that this effort isn't easy for anyone else, either.

 

You may want to consider working with a therapist to learn techniques that you can try out and report on your progress. Some techniques will work better than others for you, so there is no such thing as 'failure' in this regard. You may also want to create a private reward system where you permit yourself to indulge in a treat for every baby step you make in the right direction.

 

Establish commitments to help others, and don't break these. This process can move you out of your own way in order to show up for people and help them with simple things like gardening or household projects or errands or a walk in the park. Keep your focus on making this time about them-not-you, and this will ground you and help you to 'normalize' a focus beyond the crush. This will teach you how to build deeper bonds with people, and eventually, how to feel gratitude for those who will come to value you.

 

Head high.

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The most powerful crushes from which we'll ever need to learn how to grieve, heal and move on are the self-invented fantasies we create 'about' someone in our own mind.

 

People form these kinds of crushes on celebrities and authors and teachers all the time. It's like a rite of passage, and when we can teach ourselves how to accept reality rather than stoke a fantasy life, we can come out the other side more confident in our resilience and our ability to heal from the slings and arrows of real life.

 

This requires suffering dis-illusionment.

 

It's most difficult to let go of living inside our head when we have allowed our real life to become too mundane and boring in comparison. When you consider that even the most exciting lives can still present a challenge to letting go of fantasies, you can take some comfort in the fact that this effort isn't easy for anyone else, either.

 

You may want to consider working with a therapist to learn techniques that you can try out and report on your progress. Some techniques will work better than others for you, so there is no such thing as 'failure' in this regard. You may also want to create a private reward system where you permit yourself to indulge in a treat for every baby step you make in the right direction.

 

Establish commitments to help others, and don't break these. This process can move you out of your own way in order to show up for people and help them with simple things like gardening or household projects or errands or a walk in the park. Keep your focus on making this time about them-not-you, and this will ground you and help you to 'normalize' a focus beyond the crush. This will teach you how to build deeper bonds with people, and eventually, how to feel gratitude for those who will come to value you.

 

Head high.

 

I appreciated your thoughtful insight so much. Yes-I will try. This disillusionment has come at a high price because it set me back. i made space for him at the cost of my goals in life and yes i wasted precious years. i guess theres no hope of him coming back to me. Must learn how to be happy with someone else. Are you a therapist by chance?

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