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Thread: when you will never be together

  1. #11
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    If he's not asking you out on dates and trying to kiss you, he's not interested in you romantically. It's probably just friends forever.

    All you can do is date other guys and try to find a replacement. Eventually you'll get over your crush. Until then, you are living a life of quiet desperation.

    Real life is not like you see in the Hollywood movies. You get one chance per person at love.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Forever, What do you actually get from holding on to this fantasy? I think that you are very afraid of letting someone get close, so you cling on to this guy.
    Possibly, i am not interested in letting anyone in. its not like I sit and obssess about him. I have been actively engaged in my life. But whenever he pops up, the same feelings of interest and love come into my mind.
    its honestly a curse the only way to stop its to completely block the person which I will do.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    The most powerful crushes from which we'll ever need to learn how to grieve, heal and move on are the self-invented fantasies we create 'about' someone in our own mind.

    People form these kinds of crushes on celebrities and authors and teachers all the time. It's like a rite of passage, and when we can teach ourselves how to accept reality rather than stoke a fantasy life, we can come out the other side more confident in our resilience and our ability to heal from the slings and arrows of real life.

    This requires suffering dis-illusionment.

    It's most difficult to let go of living inside our head when we have allowed our real life to become too mundane and boring in comparison. When you consider that even the most exciting lives can still present a challenge to letting go of fantasies, you can take some comfort in the fact that this effort isn't easy for anyone else, either.

    You may want to consider working with a therapist to learn techniques that you can try out and report on your progress. Some techniques will work better than others for you, so there is no such thing as 'failure' in this regard. You may also want to create a private reward system where you permit yourself to indulge in a treat for every baby step you make in the right direction.

    Establish commitments to help others, and don't break these. This process can move you out of your own way in order to show up for people and help them with simple things like gardening or household projects or errands or a walk in the park. Keep your focus on making this time about them-not-you, and this will ground you and help you to 'normalize' a focus beyond the crush. This will teach you how to build deeper bonds with people, and eventually, how to feel gratitude for those who will come to value you.

    Head high.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    The most powerful crushes from which we'll ever need to learn how to grieve, heal and move on are the self-invented fantasies we create 'about' someone in our own mind.

    People form these kinds of crushes on celebrities and authors and teachers all the time. It's like a rite of passage, and when we can teach ourselves how to accept reality rather than stoke a fantasy life, we can come out the other side more confident in our resilience and our ability to heal from the slings and arrows of real life.

    This requires suffering dis-illusionment.

    It's most difficult to let go of living inside our head when we have allowed our real life to become too mundane and boring in comparison. When you consider that even the most exciting lives can still present a challenge to letting go of fantasies, you can take some comfort in the fact that this effort isn't easy for anyone else, either.

    You may want to consider working with a therapist to learn techniques that you can try out and report on your progress. Some techniques will work better than others for you, so there is no such thing as 'failure' in this regard. You may also want to create a private reward system where you permit yourself to indulge in a treat for every baby step you make in the right direction.

    Establish commitments to help others, and don't break these. This process can move you out of your own way in order to show up for people and help them with simple things like gardening or household projects or errands or a walk in the park. Keep your focus on making this time about them-not-you, and this will ground you and help you to 'normalize' a focus beyond the crush. This will teach you how to build deeper bonds with people, and eventually, how to feel gratitude for those who will come to value you.

    Head high.
    I appreciated your thoughtful insight so much. Yes-I will try. This disillusionment has come at a high price because it set me back. i made space for him at the cost of my goals in life and yes i wasted precious years. i guess theres no hope of him coming back to me. Must learn how to be happy with someone else. Are you a therapist by chance?

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