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Thread: Need help to understand a break up

  1. #1
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    Need help to understand a break up

    Hello everyone,
    So long story short, I started dating this guy about 3 months ago (after talking on facebook for few weeks).
    He was so kind and charming, involved and really just 'perfect' ... So after 2 months I started to take things a little more seriously, meaning than I allowed myself to be more vulnerable and less arrogant, and to show him that I actually care. And suddenly he got distant.

    I tought something was wrong, I explained to him than I need more attention and time, he said "please don't become like the other girls". He kept canceling our dates for 2 weeks, avoiding me, texting me less. I asked if he wanted a break he said no, if he had problems, if something was wrong etc. (He kept telling me that he loves me everyday though).

    I tried to be less available for him too / play it cool / show more affection but nothing worked so I broke up with him.
    After few days I wanted to meet in person to talk, he was okay with that but when that day came he canceled saying 'Sorry I know it will sound like another excuse but it's really not *and explained his reasons", I said no problem but he didn't suggest another day.
    I waited and texted the day after that I just want an explanation, so apparently 'I don't undestand him, he can't handle being in a relationship, seing and talking to a person (to me) on daily basis suffocate him, nothing was wrong with me, we can meet to try to fix this problem together but he would undestand if I leave (?)' etc. He told me that with 0 emotion, not even sorry. I even asked him if he feels that way when we are together and said yes (meaning when he kisses me and tells me how special I am).

    I thanked him for his honnesty even if it's hurting and confusing, said goodbye and blocked him. This week, and after a month of our last conversation, he contacted me on facebook to say how sorry and guilty he feels (he said that many times), to know if I'm still angry and if we can meet, to let me know that we had great time together and that he didn't wanted to end up things that way.
    I refused saying that I'm too busy, that I don't need apologies as I feel completly fine and that don't actually need anything from him, he said that it makes him feel better. He later called me but his number was still blocked.

    Now a part of me still wants him, is there anything worth saving from this? I came to the conclusion that he wants challenge and the minute he feels like one starts to have feelings he gets bored. I really still can't see what I did wrong except that, I wasn't too needy, never asked him where he was, never called him, I don't like fights. I have a busy life, so much work, family and friends, I didn't make him my ultimate priority... I asked for a reasonable amount of attention and it was already too. So should I meet him. Should I even try ?

    Ps: sorry for my english I did my best, thank you for reading me

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    No, I wouldn't reach out to him one more time. He already showed his true colors to you. For you: "Once bitten twice shy" as they say.

    He sounds flaky, unreliable, full of excuses and there's no telling that when there are challenges as you duly noted, he'll sorely disappoint you with his repetitive unsavory behavior.

    Never trust anyone who is "off" because those are red flags and warning bells sounding off in your brain to beware. Heed your intuition and gut instincts always because it will save you.

  3. #3
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    This guy is a jerk! He likes playing games. Do not communicate with him and block him on everything! he is a waste of time. You would be a fool to get involved again,on any level.

    How many times did you actually see this guy?

    Next time, when someone displays red flags, do not continue to pursue them!

  4. #4
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    He's not a jerk he just wants the challenge and casual and she wants commitment. Neither is wrong or bad... They just aren't compatible.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Rabican
    He's not a jerk he just wants the challenge and casual and she wants commitment. Neither is wrong or bad... They just aren't compatible.
    Yes, he is. He knows exactly what he is doing, and does not care if it hurts her. This is a jerk!

    Why wasn't he honest when they were dating, as he kept canceling gates and avoiding her. That is a bit more than not being "compatible."

    He will do the same thing to her again. He should have left her alone.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    There may be a lot of confusion about what he is and isn't but I can't see any agreement to move to anything exclusive at the beginning. You seemed to have made an independent decision to make things a bit more serious on your end but I'm not sure that he was on the same page as you even then. He might never have been emotionally available at all. It also seems like a large portion of your relationship was not in person and conducted over facebook, leaving a remainder of a handful of weeks of in-person dating. I'm not certain how many times you met. Take your time next time getting to know someone.

    When we engage with someone who may be a potential partner or someone we find ourselves emotionally drawn to, it's probably best to make sure we know where we're headed and what type of relationship we're looking for. I think this may be a learning experience and it shows you that you're capable of deeper feelings and that you're ready for a more serious relationship.

    Let this go and don't pursue this person. He's not ready but you are. You've learned that. Now grow from it and don't make the same mistake twice.

  8. #7
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    Thank you for your answers! It really helps.

    Actually I just want to say that we know each other since highschool (meaning 8 years ago), and that he was the one who wanted me to take things more seriously.
    I tried to stay distant because I had some doubts and told him about it maybe twice, he made me feel so guity and horrible to even think that, that I had to apologized for 'hurting him'. He also wanted to be exclusive, he acted jealous even when I hang out with my male friends saying that he prefers to be there when I do so (but I never really cared about that).

    And to answer the question, we dated about 2 months and we have seen each other once or twice / week depending on our schedule (which was honestly the best I could offer with my work).
    Last edited by yasu; 06-15-2019 at 02:22 AM.

  9. #8
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    He liked the chase.

    Move on from this one.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry you went through this experience. If that's the case, this person showed himself to be whatever he really was at the end. When we're in the thick of emotions and very upset and hurt, we sometimes hurtle through and rush our decisions hoping to make the pain stop. Do the opposite thing and will yourself to slow down or pause for awhile and just breathe. See it exactly as it unfolded and think through each step again and how things happened. Absorb it and go over what happened and then make your decisions in your clarity. Go from there.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Let him go. He sounds too flaky. Breaking up then wanting to talk then clinging then distancing etc. Nobody wants to deal with those type of games. Find more consistent guys to date. This time be more sincere and straight forward.
    Originally Posted by yasu
    I tried to stay distant because I had some doubts and told him about it maybe twice, he made me feel so guity and horrible to even think that, that I had to apologized for 'hurting him'. He also wanted to be exclusive.

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