Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 5 of 7 FirstFirst ... 234567 LastLast
Results 41 to 50 of 63

Thread: He Rejected Me - I Still Want Friendship

  1. #41
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,806
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by PuffyParakee
    If you contact him, this will further inflate his already huge ego because you did say that he's a lady's man.
    We see a lot of these sorts of comments on threads like this, and I'm honestly not sure how helpful they always are.

    It takes a pretty big ego to think you have the ability to inflate another's ego, after all, to say nothing of what fuels this level of breathless fantasizing and obsessing about someone. I think it's far healthier to be able to see that than to label disinterested men "players" for failing to stick to the script written by a thirsty imagination.

    Yes, there are some smooth-talkers out there who mask a saucy agenda with some bells and whistles. But I don't see that story here, so to even call this guy a "player" is to give him power he doesn't deserve, mystery that is not there, to write the same myth in "no contact" as it written by reaching out to contact.

    Sure, I suppose it's momentarily empowering to find "strength" in "resisting the player's games." But that's just the flip-side to the "strength" one gets (per the previous post) in finding ways to keep a player "chasing," to be a player's choice, to "win" the game. None of that is connection. Most of it? Well, it's ego. Thirst quenching.

    Confused? I feel for you, and hope none of that comes off harsh. But I think if you can be more honest about what you mean by "friendship" here you may find this whole thing loses its shine, even if it means looking a little more closely in the mirror than looking for ways to show him "acceptance."

    Because in this case "friendship" roughly translates, best I can tell, to "leveling up." Your urge to "associate with intelligent people who are light years ahead of me" speaks of some self-doubts swirling inside of you and an urge to find the kill switch to the swirl inside of others and inside of others wanting you. Understandable. You're young, looking around, figuring things out. But looking for another as a shortcut for personal evolution is a dangerous path, and I think the "strongest" takeaway from this whole thing is that this man has showed you those dangers.

    Obsessing about people is easy, so is judging them, be it by boosting them up or writing them off. All that keeps the spotlight off ourselves, which is to say it keeps us in the dark. In the dark we stay still, repeat patterns, and become vulnerable to being "played" by people who aren't even playing a game.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,172
    Gender
    Female
    I wouldn't call, calling a player giving him "power" over oneself. "Player" is a negative and if he is actually one, then acknowledging the negative aspect of his personality and penchant for strange will just (hopefully) help the Op to see that with friends like him, (when she is crushing on him) who needs enemies?

  3. #43
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    3,806
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I wouldn't call, calling a player giving him "power" over oneself. "Player" is a negative and if he is actually one, then acknowledging the negative aspect of his personality and penchant for strange will just (hopefully) help the Op to see that with friends like him, (when she is crushing on him) who needs enemies?
    Fair enough.

    I mean, I totally agree that, in this case, this dude doesn't sound like he's worth anyone's time, certainly not Confused's. Maybe he could do okay on Jeopardy, but using Facebook, at 40something, to reach out to 20somethings? Not cute, even if he's got a cute glint in the eye.

    Guess I'm just saying, having followed this little saga over three posts, that this guy is more a mirror to something inside Confused that's a little knotted up than anything else.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,172
    Gender
    Female
    Guess I'm just saying, having followed this little saga over three posts, that this guy is more a mirror to something inside Confused that's a little knotted up than anything else.
    I think so too.

    I think most people who haven't had much of a relationship with someone who has rejected them and are "novices" at dating and how to protect themselves emotionally, tend to want to 'be the friend if they can't be the lover' because it's easier to self sooth the ego if its perceived that they want to at least keep us (the general us) in their life in some capacity. I also think that Confused is soothing her bruised ego by telling herself (and us) why she wants to keep him in her life and isn't exactly being honest with herself in the process.

    If she's as interested in the things she says she wants from him then there are classes with professors that would have just as much knowledge as she thinks he has and she'd be keeping herself busy by attending some of them and giving herself a chance to meet new men, in real life, at the same time. This would allow her to keep to N/C and rehab from her infatuation of him.

    Those are my thoughts, anyway... Cheers.

  5.  

  6. #45
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    12,794
    I think she said two pages ago she decided not to pursue friendship.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,593
    I think it depends on how one defines "player."

    A man who multi-dates and is successful w many women?

    Many here would define a man like that a player, attach all sorts of negativity to it, block, delete next.

    That's not how I define it, which is why whenever I use the term, I put in quotes because it's such an ambiguous term.

    To me, a player is a man who yes multi-dates and is successful w women, but uses deception and dishonesty to achieve his goals.

    Is that what this man did? Did he lie to OP, did his words and actions lead her to believe he wanted a relationship, with her? Knowing all along he didn't?

    I didn't read that he did, perhaps I missed it.

    He's a man who enjoys multi-dating, is successful w women, and after having two coffee dates w OP, decided he didn't wish to pursue it.

    I fail to see how this makes him a "player" if I missed something, please enlighten me.

    OP, that said, being how into this man you are beyond friendship, I am happy you have chosen to walk away and not pursue a friendship w him.

    Good call.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-15-2019 at 02:21 PM.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,172
    Gender
    Female
    player is a man who yes multi-dates and is successful w women, but uses deception and dishonesty to achieve his goals.
    I think that is the exact opposite of what a player is. What you are describing is just a jerk.

    Think James Bond... he doesn't have to lie an any woman to get them into bed. He leaves for months or more but they always welcome him back... He doesn't need to use deception or lie, his ways are just accepted by women who, like the Op are willing to take what little he is willing to give. A non committal dude who doesn't need to apologise for his lack of commitment. A player is a negative to any woman that wants a man that is monogamous and willing to commit to one woman.

    Just my views on it.

    *Notes that the Op doesn't intend to try and befriend the dude*

  9. #48
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,593
    Yeah I guess we just see it differently then TwT.

    "Player" -- a man who "plays" women.

    A man can want to date and even have sex w many women but still not be "playing" them.

    Assuming he's not intentionally deceiving them in any way, lying, leading them to believe a relationship is what he wants when it's not.

    If he is using deception, then he's playing them, and as such is a player. And in that sense, a man like that is a huge negative to any woman.

    Imo James Bond wasn't a player. He didn't "play" women, he was simply an extremely cool, confident sexy man whose natural masculine essence attracted many women.

    He had great positive energy, he loved women; women knew what he was about and chose to get involved regardless.

    None of it was negative.

    And when they eventually left, they continued to have positive thoughts about him.

    I got involved w a man like that once. Huge multi-dater, successful with women, had at least two in rotation when he met me.

    Did not hide the fact he had no interest in commitment, never fed me the typical bullshyt other men had.

    He was very attracted to me as I was to him. Our interaction/relationship was one of the most honest, genuine, real experiences I've ever had w a man.

    It did not last for obvious reasons, given I am a relationship-oriented girl, but it was a great positive experience, I learned a lot from it, about myself mostly, and still have positive thoughts about him today.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-15-2019 at 06:35 PM.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Location
    Central Canada
    Posts
    14,172
    Gender
    Female
    @ Katrina.
    We don't actually see it all that differently. Like I said, James Bond is a player. Which means He PLAYS the field. Its not about playing games to win them over, or about lying to get the chickas in bed, he doesn't have to lie or game them because his way with women is intoxicating and his nuance, the essence that is him is addicting.

    Getting yourself involved with someone who only wants to PLAY the field is a negative for any woman whose end dating goal is a committed relationship of the monogamous kind.

    Guys who lie to woman and lead them on to think they want a relationship in order to get them in bed are jerks, not players IMO

  11. #50
    Bronze Member ConfusedLady21's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Location
    Las Vegas
    Posts
    217
    Gender
    Female
    You guys, He totally is a player. Reason being is because he had no intentions on getting serious with me, but he talked to me about changing my name and putting a rock on my finger. He started using the terms "we" and "us" talking to me about all of the things we would do.. and I honestly felt like that gave me false hope. That was never his intention. His main intention was to get invited over and get me alone. He kept taking a picture of my neighborhood to let me know he was near by.

    I was reading over some of your comments earlier today. I wasn't able to respond until now. You guys are right. And I owe Capricorn3 an apology. I was acting cringe worthy. I read my last desperate post and I cringed at myself. I get wrapped up in discarding logic and wanting to make excuses to do what I want. You guys are really helping me get passed an obsession. I wanted him so bad, but I am not sure if anything about our interaction was genuine.

Page 5 of 7 FirstFirst ... 234567 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •