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Thread: He Rejected Me - I Still Want Friendship

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    I get that. Honestly, why was I crying is because we talked every day for months. At first, he told me that he wanted to change my last name and put a ring on my finger. Of course super unrealistic flirting.. That unfamiliar excitement that I haven't felt in years creeped in. Quickly, I opened up to him and allowed myself to feel comfortable. That's not something that just happens with just anyone, I have had men try to get me to open up . Acquaintances are nice, but this man excited me. Rejection bites, so I cried a little. It's back to being bored..
    Some pointers:
    You should never talk for months. A meet up should occur within the 1-2 weeks
    The name and ring nonsense is player talk. This person does not know you. I would have been so turned off by this, as I would know that I was one of many who he speaks to in this manner. A man that does not know you. should NEVER be so familiar with you
    Look for someone who does not come on with unrealistic talk. Meet someone early and get to know them slowly

  2. #32
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    Good luck, and look out for the players!

  3. #33
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You need time to breathe and grow away from this person. He is not a good influence on you and you'll probably realize that later on down the line. I'm not sure what kinds of self-help you're engaging with but I'd be careful about some of the material out there. It may be giving you a false sense of bravado and confidence that you aren't tapping into on your own in your own time reflecting and realizing how damaging and negative this relationship with this older male is. You're limiting yourself severely and aren't opening yourself up to the right influences. I normally don't write like this but your enthusiasm for this person is coming from a very strange and unnatural place and I'm not sure if it's the material you're reading to bolster your self-esteem. Take it easy and don't be afraid to come to your own conclusions. It's usually the longer route but the more genuine one.
    Last edited by Rose Mosse; 06-15-2019 at 02:33 AM.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Is he married? There was never a "rejection", just the reality that it was just flirting/ casual coffee in the first place. Let things settle down and perhaps the friendship will resume.
    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    I got anxious and got shut down when I tried to push for him to solidify a date and time with me for the third date.

  5.  

  6. #35
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You need time to breathe and grow away from this person. He is not a good influence on you and you'll probably realize that later on down the line. I'm not sure what kinds of self-help you're engaging with but I'd be careful about some of the material out there. It may be giving you a false sense of bravado and confidence that you aren't tapping into on your own in your own time reflecting and realizing how damaging and negative this relationship with this older male is. You're limiting yourself severely and aren't opening yourself up to the right influences. I normally don't write like this but your enthusiasm for this person is coming from a very strange and unnatural place and I'm not sure if it's the material you're reading to bolster your self-esteem. Take it easy and don't be afraid to come to your own conclusions. It's usually the longer route but the more genuine one.
    I second this.

    Hard words to read, I'd imagine. But they're worth reading and rereading a few times. I think I said something similar in your first post about this guy—that his influence on you, and your attraction to him, is that he makes you feel anxious, minimized, unimpressive, unformed, insecure. Seems that feedback loop has just sped up, in a very short time, without him doing anything but inhaling and exhaling.

    This guy is just, well, a guy. Not a player, not a Romeo, not a Svengali, not special or powerful. But I think for you he represents something—something false, some fast-track portal to empowerment and dynamism that can be attained by establishing some kind of relationship with him that works. As long as you keep thinking along those lines, and plotting out ways to establish a viable connection with him, you'll find yourself feeling smaller, more jittery, blurrier, frozen in place instead of growing.

    Not good, all that.

    Relationships, be they romantic or platonic, are not "tests" we put ourselves through. They are not workouts or obstacle courses in which we gain through pain. They are both simpler and more complex than that, and I hope you come to see that. He is a person, not an idea, and the person he is does not bring out an authentic person in you. It's not about "rejection" or "acceptance," these things, but simply in making time for people who serve us and shedding those that don't.

    This is not a person who serves you.

  7. #36
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    Agree with bluecastle, Capricorn, Holly, etc.

    My stories -I was really into a guy sort of like your guy - we dated seriously for 5 months. He was never that into me. After he ended things he wanted to hang out/chat once in awhile, perhaps hook up. I spoke with him once or twice and yes we kissed once when I realized -nope - very bad for me. He'd never had a very long term serious relationship (he was 40, I was mid 30s). 6 months after we broke up he met his future wife and they got married a year later. Truth is he continued on occasion to send me crossing the line emails and to call and sort of put out feelers and I did not bite (yes, while he was dating her, engaged, married).

    I stayed good friends -including now, 15 years later plus - with his younger brother because that is how we met originally and he and I had been friends for years before. And we almost never ever mention my "ex" - if he is it is totally in passing as part of a description of a family gathering. I've never mentioned him or that he contacted me. That is how strict I feel I need to be about boundaries. And it only works because younger brother also sticks to those boundaries.

    Checking in on Facebook or occasionally flirting etc is not a friendship -it's just you telling yourself dishonest stories and him continuing to feel flattered (or slightly or more repulsed by how desperate you will come across)

    Second story. My friend who was very attractive way back when became almost obsessed with someone in her community theater group (I met him -thought he was arrogant) - anyway for about 4 years she focused on him - flirted some, they became friends, she thought he might be interested (the most they ever did was cuddle a bit at a party - he didn't try to have sex or close) - for four years in her 30s. I tried to introduce her to other men -nope -she'd go on a date here and there that's it.

    One time I couldn't help myself and told her what I thought when, at an airport on the way to a theater event he lay on her lap and was making eyes at her etc and he spent a whole day with her in a park "as friends" - I couldn't stand how she was still tolerating all this -he knew she was into him.

    Four years in their mutual friend in the theater group tells her that she and the guy, J had been dating for most of that time, secretly and just broke up. Still my friend didn't let go, didn't care that he never told her this.
    So do you think he then became her boyfriend? Of course not. She's now in her 50s. Single. At this point she might want to be single, to be fair as we havent' been in close touch in about 5-6 years. She is very overweight now and I'm sure she is unhappy about that as she always wanted to be fit/slim. I truly think that not only did she waste all those years -and you are venturing down a similar path -but that it impacted her chances of being in a healthy relationship. She does love her cats and is a total cat mom and lives in a great neighborhood in an exciting city. But still, sad.

  8. #37
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You are fooling yourself..........even friends can set up a get-together. If he can't set a date, both friends or lovers is off.

    Find others to be friends or lover. Leave this guy alone and stop getting rejected.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    I warned myself of this as well. This very thought made me second guess if I should even contact him.. but it wasn't until I saw him viewing my facebook story, that maybe I should just say hello. We got one life, I wont know until I ask.
    Don't do it. You still have your dignity intact, you bowed out gracefully.
    If you contact him, this will further inflate his already huge ego because you did say that he's a lady's man.
    You will never get over him if you contact him, besides, how do you know he will be receptive to being friends with you? Remember, he's a man. Most men are not interested with being friends with a woman unless they are getting sex out of it.

    I feel like you wanting to contact him is a way of trying to get him to fall for you.
    As if treading lightly and being the cool girl will win you some points with him, it may not work that way & you may end up with a broken heart.
    Think this over. Meet other men, hang out with a friend/family to try to get over this player.

  10. #39
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I wouldn't give a flying you know what about inflating his already inflated ego... If I was as obsessed and hung up on someone as much as this Op seems to be... my concern would be about clinging to every crumb some player deemed to send my way when it suited him and thereby stagnating me from getting over my unrequited crush on him and keeping me from being open enough in heart and mind to find a good dating prospect that was as into me as I would be into him.

    Op: You sound like someone who is going learn through her mistakes so good luck trying to get to the state of not pining for is every communication (or thinking about him when you are on a date with another man). You, by all accounts do not have the ability to compartmentalize platonic interaction from your Limerence of him. He is your Limerent Object. (google that) I say these things with your best interests at heart.

  11. #40
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    Don't be his friend VALUE yourself more than you value him. If you are looking for a boyfriend and he is not interested, drop him and make yourself available to meet the right one. you will be too busy trying to be a lady in waiting and will miss a great guy. Make more female friends. Get hobbies. But don't try to ingratiate yourself to try to be his "friend" just to bask in the glow of his presence.

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