Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 15

Thread: Boyfriend has done a complete 180 and not might be who I thought - what do I do?

  1. #1

    Boyfriend has done a complete 180 and not might be who I thought - what do I do?

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 weeks now. We had already known each other for a while before we discovered our mutual feelings, so we had a solid friendship already we had already spent a lot of time talking about past relationships, our neuroses and other personal things and had a high comfort level with each other. Our feelings were very intense from the start and we were immediately all over each other affectionate and lovey dovey both together and over text and we just couldnt stay away from each other. Id experienced the high that comes with a new relationship but absolutely nothing like this - he was so passionate and excited about me and as an affectionate person I was absolutely eating it up.

    Over the past week and a half or so its died down abruptly and considerably. 2 weeks ago he told me he sleeps so much better when hes able to hold me the last time we slept together (the first time we were able to since he told me that) he didnt even drape an arm over me. A week ago wed hang out and hed have his arm around me the entire time the past few times weve hung out hes not initiated any affection whatsoever. We dont get to see each other terribly often, and hes cancelled plans to hang out a couple times saying he needed some solo time (which was disappointing but understandable). The pet names stopped; the messaging first stopped. It all just kind of stopped. Hanging out feels like hanging out with a friend. I knew the intensity would calm down eventually, but boy did it do that in a hurry.

    I was starting to get a little bit anxious that something was up, so we had a conversation yesterday. I told him that I dont necessarily have a problem with the new level of affection and that I respect and relate to his need for alone time, but just that the abruptness of how things slowed down was alarming and I was hoping he could be honest with me if there was something he wanted to talk about. He opened up and said that hes naturally a loner and is used to spending a lot of time alone, so once the euphoria wears off he quickly diverts back to how he was before. He also explained that hes not a naturally affectionate person and that the way we had been was a bit overwhelming for him (which is strange for me because I was following his lead as far as that goes I thought he genuinely was just like that). He said hes in his own head so much that he just doesnt always really think about giving affection. He also mentioned that this did cause problems in his previous long-term relationship. Having known him previously I do believe that this may just be the way he is, but it's so hard to comprehend how someone would lose their instinct to give any affection so fast.

    I thanked him for opening up and giving me the opportunity to learn about him I told him I didnt need him to change himself for me, but I am an affectionate person and do really desire it to some degree when in relationships. He said he would try to find it in him to be more affectionate and also added that he goes through cycles where hell feel like being more exuberantly affectionate. We reaffirmed that he still feels good about our relationship.

    I wish I felt better, but now I just have tons of questions and uncertainty. It was so hard to go from 100 mph to basically 0 and Im finding myself feeling touch starved when Im around him I try to initiate but he doesnt react. I cant help but feel like I was lied to when he told me all of the wonderful things he feels about me. He made himself out to be a very passionate, romantic person (he called himself a walking rom com) and has now essentially said the opposite. Im worried Im going to spend the relationship pining after the person I thought I was getting, and if he truly does cycle through varying degrees of being affectionate, am I going to spend the good times worrying about when it stops? Am I expected to just be ok if he needs to disappear for a while and be alone except for when he feels like having me around? Why have a girlfriend if you just want to be alone? Is this all normal? Will my needs be met? And most of all, does he actually care or have any shred of enthusiasm about me that he seemed to have just a couple weeks ago?

    I know I need to evaluate if this is something that I really want. Ive invested so much emotionally into this relationship in a short period of time and I really genuinely like him and enjoy being around him, so I would like for this to work out. My questions for you all are these:
    1. Is his behavior normal?
    2. If you have dated someone like this, how did you navigate it?
    3. How much time would you give for things to improve before you give a serious thought to ending the relationship?
    4. Am I overreacting?
    5. How else would you recommend I proceed?


    Tl;dr My boyfriend and Is relationship started out intense and passionate and that abruptly stopped. I kindly asked him about it and he confessed hes actually a loner and not naturally affectionate despite claiming/portraying himself to be otherwise. I feel lied to and am wondering how to proceed since I genuinely like him and would like to make this work if I can.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    11,473
    Things likely won't "improve".

    Don't date someone hoping they'll "change" or revert back to when everything was shiny and new. This is the real him. If his current state doesn't meet your needs, it's fine to decide not to continue.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    1,548
    Gender
    Female
    He's not a physically or verbally affectionate person, period. You shouldn't have to deal with it or come to terms with it especially this early. If you feel misled, just acknowledge it and resist placing the blame on him or you. Seven weeks is a good time to take stock of things and make a decision.

    I'm concerned though that you aren't able to make that decision swiftly or with surety. You may be seeking to fill a void, one that is difficult to fill, and are unusually vulnerable in relationships (unfinished business elsewhere?). Be a bit more self-confident and don't be afraid to not only be more of yourself but seek the right company that complements you. Don't use relationships to fill a void that only you can solve or resolve in your past.

  4. #4
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    He's not a physically or verbally affectionate person, period. You shouldn't have to deal with it or come to terms with it especially this early. If you feel misled, just acknowledge it and resist placing the blame on him or you. Seven weeks is a good time to take stock of things and make a decision.

    I'm concerned though that you aren't able to make that decision swiftly or with surety. You may be seeking to fill a void, one that is difficult to fill, and are unusually vulnerable in relationships (unfinished business elsewhere?). Be a bit more self-confident and don't be afraid to not only be more of yourself but seek the right company that complements you. Don't use relationships to fill a void that only you can solve or resolve in your past.
    I think my hesitation just stems from the fact that we were already friends and we really are compatible except for this one thing - I would miss his companionship so much. And I'm an affectionate person but the initial whirlwind of emotions and affection and intensity was great, but also way above my normal level and can do with just a tiny fraction of it. I am just having a hard time coming to terms with how quickly things changed -- there was no easing out of it, it was like he flipped a switch and just changed. He may have just been too tired the last time we hung out but it seems like sex isn't even on his mind anymore after weeks of sexual tension where he basically seemed like he was in agony (we've had sex 4 times, every time we've hung out except for the last time - I also would like to add that he says it's the best he's ever had in his life).

    It's just so hard to go from having someone make you feel so desirable and appreciated to just...nil.

    And you're right, I am unusually vulnerable in relationships -- I'm 23 and he is my 4th, and I've been single for 2 years. I have been cheated on by an ex and another ex essentially treated me like he was settling with me but wasn't really into me. I don't really pursue them, so when this came along it took me by surprise because I've been so attracted to him for so long and never imagined it was reciprocated.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    1,548
    Gender
    Female
    From what you've written, I don't feel that what you're going through is unusual. Most people would feel out of sync and alarmed by what you've experienced. You're in the midst of something that troubles you. Cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself and more patient in going through this process. The decision really is yours to make. I'm a firm believer of change and sometimes that change may be unpredictable and not what we ever wanted or saw for ourselves. It does mean change, nevertheless, and we can either move with it or get lost in it.

    There is nothing wrong with being single or being in 4+ relationships. Your experiences add to who you are as a person but they cannot define you. You get to choose how you wish to process your experiences and create the definition of yourself from top to bottom and every inch of you. Don't feel powerless for the things that have happened. I hope you continue to allow yourself to experience new things and meet new people without fear and judgment.

  7. #6
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    From what you've written, I don't feel that what you're going through is unusual. Most people would feel out of sync and alarmed by what you've experienced. You're in the midst of something that troubles you. Cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself and more patient in going through this process. The decision really is yours to make. I'm a firm believer of change and sometimes that change may be unpredictable and not what we ever wanted or saw for ourselves. It does mean change, nevertheless, and we can either move with it or get lost in it.

    There is nothing wrong with being single or being in 4+ relationships. Your experiences add to who you are as a person but they cannot define you. You get to choose how you wish to process your experiences and create the definition of yourself from top to bottom and every inch of you. Don't feel powerless for the things that have happened. I hope you continue to allow yourself to experience new things and meet new people without fear and judgment.
    Thank you, it's really nice to feel validated. I sometimes second guess my feelings because I tend to be a bit of an anxious person, but going from full-on crazy about me to what we are now does seem like something that would raise alarm with anyone.

    I think what I will do is back off from him a little bit and see how it is the next couple times we hang out, then re-evaluate. I'm not quite ready to completely let this go, but I'm also not going to let myself be unfulfilled or spend my time with someone questioning their feelings and pining after who I thought they were.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    1,548
    Gender
    Female
    That seems like a good idea. Take things as they come and go from there.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    20,694
    I'm sorry, but this is who he is. This is what you future will be if you continue.

    OP, it had been less than two months, not two years. I suggest you move on.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,400
    When the honeymoon phase ends , then you start to get to know someone.

    You might be compatible as friends but as lovers you are not.
    Affection is a big deal to some but to others its not.
    Look up the five love languages.

    Is it normal? For him yes. For you no.
    Asking him to be more affectionate is like asking you to not be affectionate at all.

    There is no blame. Its just who he is and who you are and it doesnt work.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    22,056
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by toouncertain
    Is his behavior normal?
    No.

    Originally Posted by toouncertain
    If you have dated someone like this, how did you navigate it?
    I have not, and I would not.

    Originally Posted by toouncertain
    How much time would you give for things to improve before you give a serious thought to ending the relationship?
    None. It would be a no brainer for me.

    Originally Posted by toouncertain
    Am I overreacting?
    No. The fact that you're considering sticking around is, in my opinion, an underreaction.

    Originally Posted by toouncertain
    How else would you recommend I proceed?
    I'd tell him that I really like him, but I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. I know myself well enough to know that affection and physical intimacy are too important to me to settle for a relationship without it, and I wish him the best.

    The guy has tried to justify turning cold on you, and that's not a misunderstanding--it sucks. I'd respect myself enough to skip trying to turn him into a rehab project.

    Value your heart and your self esteem as you move forward, and you will thank yourself later.

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •