Boyfriend has done a complete 180 and not might be who I thought - what do I do?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 weeks now. We had already known each other for a while before we discovered our mutual feelings, so we had a solid friendship already – we had already spent a lot of time talking about past relationships, our neuroses and other personal things and had a high comfort level with each other. Our feelings were very intense from the start and we were immediately all over each other – affectionate and lovey dovey both together and over text and we just couldn’t stay away from each other. I’d experienced the high that comes with a new relationship but absolutely nothing like this - he was so passionate and excited about me and as an affectionate person I was absolutely eating it up.

Over the past week and a half or so it’s died down abruptly and considerably. 2 weeks ago he told me he sleeps so much better when he’s able to hold me – the last time we slept together (the first time we were able to since he told me that) he didn’t even drape an arm over me. A week ago we’d hang out and he’d have his arm around me the entire time – the past few times we’ve hung out he’s not initiated any affection whatsoever. We don’t get to see each other terribly often, and he’s cancelled plans to hang out a couple times saying he needed some solo time (which was disappointing but understandable). The pet names stopped; the messaging first stopped. It all just kind of stopped. Hanging out feels like hanging out with a friend. I knew the intensity would calm down eventually, but boy did it do that in a hurry.

I was starting to get a little bit anxious that something was up, so we had a conversation yesterday. I told him that I don’t necessarily have a problem with the new level of affection and that I respect and relate to his need for alone time, but just that the abruptness of how things slowed down was alarming and I was hoping he could be honest with me if there was something he wanted to talk about. He opened up and said that he’s naturally a loner and is used to spending a lot of time alone, so once the euphoria wears off he quickly diverts back to how he was before. He also explained that he’s not a naturally affectionate person and that the way we had been was a bit overwhelming for him (which is strange for me because I was following his lead as far as that goes – I thought he genuinely was just like that). He said he’s in his own head so much that he just doesn’t always really think about giving affection. He also mentioned that this did cause problems in his previous long-term relationship. Having known him previously I do believe that this may just be the way he is, but it's so hard to comprehend how someone would lose their instinct to give any affection so fast.

I thanked him for opening up and giving me the opportunity to learn about him – I told him I didn’t need him to change himself for me, but I am an affectionate person and do really desire it to some degree when in relationships. He said he would try to find it in him to be more affectionate and also added that he goes through cycles where he’ll feel like being more exuberantly affectionate. We reaffirmed that he still feels good about our relationship.

I wish I felt better, but now I just have tons of questions and uncertainty. It was so hard to go from 100 mph to basically 0 and I’m finding myself feeling touch starved when I’m around him – I try to initiate but he doesn’t react. I can’t help but feel like I was lied to when he told me all of the wonderful things he feels about me. He made himself out to be a very passionate, romantic person (he called himself a “walking rom com”) and has now essentially said the opposite. I’m worried I’m going to spend the relationship pining after the person I thought I was getting, and if he truly does cycle through varying degrees of being affectionate, am I going to spend the good times worrying about when it stops? Am I expected to just be ok if he needs to disappear for a while and be alone except for when he feels like having me around? Why have a girlfriend if you just want to be alone? Is this all normal? Will my needs be met? And most of all, does he actually care or have any shred of enthusiasm about me that he seemed to have just a couple weeks ago?

I know I need to evaluate if this is something that I really want. I’ve invested so much emotionally into this relationship in a short period of time and I really genuinely like him and enjoy being around him, so I would like for this to work out. My questions for you all are these:

1. Is his behavior normal?
   
2. If you have dated someone like this, how did you navigate it?
   
3. How much time would you give for things to improve before you give a serious thought to ending the relationship?
   
4. Am I overreacting?
   
5. How else would you recommend I proceed?
   

Tl;dr My boyfriend and I’s relationship started out intense and passionate and that abruptly stopped. I kindly asked him about it and he confessed he’s actually a loner and not naturally affectionate despite claiming/portraying himself to be otherwise. I feel lied to and am wondering how to proceed since I genuinely like him and would like to make this work if I can.

Things likely won't "improve".

Don't date someone hoping they'll "change" or revert back to when everything was shiny and new. This is the real him. If his current state doesn't meet your needs, it's fine to decide not to continue.

He's not a physically or verbally affectionate person, period. You shouldn't have to deal with it or come to terms with it especially this early. If you feel misled, just acknowledge it and resist placing the blame on him or you. Seven weeks is a good time to take stock of things and make a decision.

I'm concerned though that you aren't able to make that decision swiftly or with surety. You may be seeking to fill a void, one that is difficult to fill, and are unusually vulnerable in relationships (unfinished business elsewhere?). Be a bit more self-confident and don't be afraid to not only be more of yourself but seek the right company that complements you. Don't use relationships to fill a void that only you can solve or resolve in your past.

He's not a physically or verbally affectionate person, period. You shouldn't have to deal with it or come to terms with it especially this early. If you feel misled, just acknowledge it and resist placing the blame on him or you. Seven weeks is a good time to take stock of things and make a decision.

 

I'm concerned though that you aren't able to make that decision swiftly or with surety. You may be seeking to fill a void, one that is difficult to fill, and are unusually vulnerable in relationships (unfinished business elsewhere?). Be a bit more self-confident and don't be afraid to not only be more of yourself but seek the right company that complements you. Don't use relationships to fill a void that only you can solve or resolve in your past.

I think my hesitation just stems from the fact that we were already friends and we really are compatible except for this one thing - I would miss his companionship so much. And I'm an affectionate person but the initial whirlwind of emotions and affection and intensity was great, but also way above my normal level and can do with just a tiny fraction of it. I am just having a hard time coming to terms with how quickly things changed -- there was no easing out of it, it was like he flipped a switch and just changed. He may have just been too tired the last time we hung out but it seems like sex isn't even on his mind anymore after weeks of sexual tension where he basically seemed like he was in agony (we've had sex 4 times, every time we've hung out except for the last time - I also would like to add that he says it's the best he's ever had in his life).

It's just so hard to go from having someone make you feel so desirable and appreciated to just...nil.

And you're right, I am unusually vulnerable in relationships -- I'm 23 and he is my 4th, and I've been single for 2 years. I have been cheated on by an ex and another ex essentially treated me like he was settling with me but wasn't really into me. I don't really pursue them, so when this came along it took me by surprise because I've been so attracted to him for so long and never imagined it was reciprocated.

From what you've written, I don't feel that what you're going through is unusual. Most people would feel out of sync and alarmed by what you've experienced. You're in the midst of something that troubles you. Cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself and more patient in going through this process. The decision really is yours to make. I'm a firm believer of change and sometimes that change may be unpredictable and not what we ever wanted or saw for ourselves. It does mean change, nevertheless, and we can either move with it or get lost in it.

There is nothing wrong with being single or being in 4+ relationships. Your experiences add to who you are as a person but they cannot define you. You get to choose how you wish to process your experiences and create the definition of yourself from top to bottom and every inch of you. Don't feel powerless for the things that have happened. I hope you continue to allow yourself to experience new things and meet new people without fear and judgment.

From what you've written, I don't feel that what you're going through is unusual. Most people would feel out of sync and alarmed by what you've experienced. You're in the midst of something that troubles you. Cut yourself some slack and be kind to yourself and more patient in going through this process. The decision really is yours to make. I'm a firm believer of change and sometimes that change may be unpredictable and not what we ever wanted or saw for ourselves. It does mean change, nevertheless, and we can either move with it or get lost in it.

 

There is nothing wrong with being single or being in 4+ relationships. Your experiences add to who you are as a person but they cannot define you. You get to choose how you wish to process your experiences and create the definition of yourself from top to bottom and every inch of you. Don't feel powerless for the things that have happened. I hope you continue to allow yourself to experience new things and meet new people without fear and judgment.

Thank you, it's really nice to feel validated. I sometimes second guess my feelings because I tend to be a bit of an anxious person, but going from full-on crazy about me to what we are now does seem like something that would raise alarm with anyone.

I think what I will do is back off from him a little bit and see how it is the next couple times we hang out, then re-evaluate. I'm not quite ready to completely let this go, but I'm also not going to let myself be unfulfilled or spend my time with someone questioning their feelings and pining after who I thought they were.

That seems like a good idea. Take things as they come and go from there.

I'm sorry, but this is who he is. This is what you future will be if you continue.

OP, it had been less than two months, not two years. I suggest you move on.

When the honeymoon phase ends , then you start to get to know someone.

You might be compatible as friends but as lovers you are not.

Affection is a big deal to some but to others it’s not.

Look up the five love languages.

Is it normal? For him yes. For you no.

Asking him to be more affectionate is like asking you to not be affectionate at all.

There is no blame. It’s just who he is and who you are and it doesn’t work.

Is his behavior normal?

No.

If you have dated someone like this, how did you navigate it?

How much time would you give for things to improve before you give a serious thought to ending the relationship?

Am I overreacting?

How else would you recommend I proceed?

The guy has tried to justify turning cold on you, and that's not a misunderstanding--it sucks. I'd respect myself enough to skip trying to turn him into a rehab project.

Value your heart and your self esteem as you move forward, and you will thank yourself later.

Ok dating 35 days is not long enough to know who he really is in a dating capacity. The 'high' of the novelty wears off and is not a sign of trouble. It sounds like you are coming on too strong and smothering him. Back up and give this situation room to breathe. Try not to micro-analyse every thing and non-thing. You seem over-invested in this. .

He's backing up because you seem too intense. This isn't a '180', it's him being honest and sincere about too much too soon and the clinging. He may want to breakup. Perhaps you two were better off as friends?

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 weeks now. we just couldn’t stay away from each other. I’d experienced the high that comes with a new relationship. he’s not a naturally affectionate person and that the way we had been was a bit overwhelming for him

You don't have a relationship until things go smoothly for at least 8 weeks. He cut off affection within 7 weeks? - most couples take five years or more for that to happen.

This guy is crazy. Crazy people don't make good catches.

He's telling you and showing you who he really is now.

Affection will come in spurts, and then he'll retreat. I highly doubt that is going to change. And after a mere 7 weeks? It would not be worth it for me to continue, personally. I would find his behaviour off-putting and too disorienting, and not what I would search for in a partner.

Ok dating 35 days is not long enough to know who he really is in a dating capacity. The 'high' of the novelty wears off and is not a sign of trouble. It sounds like you are coming on too strong and smothering him. Back up and give this situation room to breathe. Try not to micro-analyse every thing and non-thing. You seem over-invested in this. .

 

He's backing up because you seem too intense. This isn't a '180', it's him being honest and sincere about too much too soon and the clinging. He may want to breakup. Perhaps you two were better off as friends?

I get what you mean, but right hand to god I was following his lead on the super high level of affection. Even when we were on the cusp of figuring out we had feelings for each other, we'd hang out and he would be ridiculously handsy and I wouldn't even reciprocate because I was unsure of his intentions. Once we found out we had mutual feelings, he was always the one pulling me closer to him, insisting on cuddling, stopping and giving me random hugs and kisses, just being all over me and I was just responding/reciprocating. I thought that was just the way he was. When he said he was getting overwhelmed, he meant he was overwhelmed by his own feelings -- at the start, he told me how afraid he was of all of this and how afraid he is of how easy it was for him to be completely open with me. And he told me a lot of things about him and about he felt about me that are not normal things to tell someone at the start but we didn't think twice about it because we were so comfortable with each other from the get-go. We were both over-invested in this from the start since we were already close.

I will admit though, when he started to distance himself so abruptly I may have pushed back a little and become clingy for a second because I was confused and so used to how things were. I have backed off since then - I'm not asking him to hang out and I'm keeping the texting casual (just a little "how was your day" kinda deal) except for the goodnight text I always send him just to maintain some little sense of normalcy.

I get what you mean, but right hand to god I was following his lead on the super high level of affection. Even when we were on the cusp of figuring out we had feelings for each other, we'd hang out and he would be ridiculously handsy and I wouldn't even reciprocate because I was unsure of his intentions. Once we found out we had mutual feelings, he was always the one pulling me closer to him, insisting on cuddling, stopping and giving me random hugs and kisses, just being all over me and I was just responding/reciprocating. I thought that was just the way he was. When he said he was getting overwhelmed, he meant he was overwhelmed by his own feelings -- at the start, he told me how afraid he was of all of this and how afraid he is of how easy it was for him to be completely open with me. And he told me a lot of things about him and about he felt about me that are not normal things to tell someone at the start but we didn't think twice about it because we were so comfortable with each other from the get-go. We were both over-invested in this from the start since we were already close.

 

I will admit though, when he started to distance himself so abruptly I may have pushed back a little and become clingy for a second because I was confused and so used to how things were. I have backed off since then - I'm not asking him to hang out and I'm keeping the texting casual (just a little "how was your day" kinda deal) except for the goodnight text I always send him just to maintain some little sense of normalcy.

I would let this relationship go and here's why:

1.) You're walking on eggshells around him after only 2 months and are unable to simply be yourself.

2.) You know that you're highly incompatible in the realm of affection and that is something you have stated is important to you.

3.) This guy misrepresented himself early on as a partner and has left you clueless about who you are really dating.

Read that list a few times. Let what has occurred sink in. I understand you would miss him and that you had a friendship with him before this (which I think, frankly, is blinding you to making the right decision for yourself here) but avoiding the pain of moving on is not a legitimate reason for staying with someone.

If you get out now, there is a higher probability that you can go back to being friends if that is something you want in the future when the two of you have gotten over this short dating experience. I guarantee if you move forward it will be nothing but drama and unpleasantness based on the information you've provided.