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Thread: Boyfriend has done a complete 180 and not might be who I thought - what do I do?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok dating 35 days is not long enough to know who he really is in a dating capacity. The 'high' of the novelty wears off and is not a sign of trouble. It sounds like you are coming on too strong and smothering him. Back up and give this situation room to breathe. Try not to micro-analyse every thing and non-thing. You seem over-invested in this. .

    He's backing up because you seem too intense. This isn't a '180', it's him being honest and sincere about too much too soon and the clinging. He may want to breakup. Perhaps you two were better off as friends?
    Originally Posted by toouncertain
    My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 weeks now. we just couldn’t stay away from each other. I’d experienced the high that comes with a new relationship. he’s not a naturally affectionate person and that the way we had been was a bit overwhelming for him

  2. #12
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    You don't have a relationship until things go smoothly for at least 8 weeks. He cut off affection within 7 weeks? - most couples take five years or more for that to happen.

    This guy is crazy. Crazy people don't make good catches.

  3. #13
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    He's telling you and showing you who he really is now.

    Affection will come in spurts, and then he'll retreat. I highly doubt that is going to change. And after a mere 7 weeks? It would not be worth it for me to continue, personally. I would find his behaviour off-putting and too disorienting, and not what I would search for in a partner.

  4. #14
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Ok dating 35 days is not long enough to know who he really is in a dating capacity. The 'high' of the novelty wears off and is not a sign of trouble. It sounds like you are coming on too strong and smothering him. Back up and give this situation room to breathe. Try not to micro-analyse every thing and non-thing. You seem over-invested in this. .

    He's backing up because you seem too intense. This isn't a '180', it's him being honest and sincere about too much too soon and the clinging. He may want to breakup. Perhaps you two were better off as friends?
    I get what you mean, but right hand to god I was following his lead on the super high level of affection. Even when we were on the cusp of figuring out we had feelings for each other, we'd hang out and he would be ridiculously handsy and I wouldn't even reciprocate because I was unsure of his intentions. Once we found out we had mutual feelings, he was always the one pulling me closer to him, insisting on cuddling, stopping and giving me random hugs and kisses, just being all over me and I was just responding/reciprocating. I thought that was just the way he was. When he said he was getting overwhelmed, he meant he was overwhelmed by his own feelings -- at the start, he told me how afraid he was of all of this and how afraid he is of how easy it was for him to be completely open with me. And he told me a lot of things about him and about he felt about me that are not normal things to tell someone at the start but we didn't think twice about it because we were so comfortable with each other from the get-go. We were both over-invested in this from the start since we were already close.

    I will admit though, when he started to distance himself so abruptly I may have pushed back a little and become clingy for a second because I was confused and so used to how things were. I have backed off since then - I'm not asking him to hang out and I'm keeping the texting casual (just a little "how was your day" kinda deal) except for the goodnight text I always send him just to maintain some little sense of normalcy.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by toouncertain
    I get what you mean, but right hand to god I was following his lead on the super high level of affection. Even when we were on the cusp of figuring out we had feelings for each other, we'd hang out and he would be ridiculously handsy and I wouldn't even reciprocate because I was unsure of his intentions. Once we found out we had mutual feelings, he was always the one pulling me closer to him, insisting on cuddling, stopping and giving me random hugs and kisses, just being all over me and I was just responding/reciprocating. I thought that was just the way he was. When he said he was getting overwhelmed, he meant he was overwhelmed by his own feelings -- at the start, he told me how afraid he was of all of this and how afraid he is of how easy it was for him to be completely open with me. And he told me a lot of things about him and about he felt about me that are not normal things to tell someone at the start but we didn't think twice about it because we were so comfortable with each other from the get-go. We were both over-invested in this from the start since we were already close.

    I will admit though, when he started to distance himself so abruptly I may have pushed back a little and become clingy for a second because I was confused and so used to how things were. I have backed off since then - I'm not asking him to hang out and I'm keeping the texting casual (just a little "how was your day" kinda deal) except for the goodnight text I always send him just to maintain some little sense of normalcy.
    I would let this relationship go and here's why:

    1.) You're walking on eggshells around him after only 2 months and are unable to simply be yourself.

    2.) You know that you're highly incompatible in the realm of affection and that is something you have stated is important to you.

    3.) This guy misrepresented himself early on as a partner and has left you clueless about who you are really dating.

    Read that list a few times. Let what has occurred sink in. I understand you would miss him and that you had a friendship with him before this (which I think, frankly, is blinding you to making the right decision for yourself here) but avoiding the pain of moving on is not a legitimate reason for staying with someone.

    If you get out now, there is a higher probability that you can go back to being friends if that is something you want in the future when the two of you have gotten over this short dating experience. I guarantee if you move forward it will be nothing but drama and unpleasantness based on the information you've provided.

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