Need some advice on how to proceed with this guy.. seemed to do a complete 180

Apologies in advance for the long post! Just trying to get all the details in there for a better picture. I’ve been seeing a guy for 2 months, we’ve slept together and everything’s seemed to be going really good and he was great to me. He went on a 2 week vacation a couple weeks ago and when he came back I felt like his interest was a bit low. He did text me a couple times while he was away and when he got back, but he was back for about a week and we still had not seen each other.

He was away over his first weekend back with friends and did say he wanted to see me but had made no plans..we chatted after his weekend away for a couple days then I didn’t hear anything from him for 4 days. I had written him of that he lost interest since 4 days is a long time then I ended up running into him when I was out with friends. He seemed really happy to see me and invited me and my friend to come sit with him and his, texted me that night when he got home then texted me the next day and asked me to hang out.

We had a nice night and I slept over and the next morning we were chatting and the “ex” topic came up. He told me he had been in a long term relationship and explained it to me and I kind of got uneasy thinking he might not be ready to move on. He picked up on in because after I left he texted me asking I was okay and if he scared me. I said he hadn’t just had given me a lot to think about. He texted me the entire rest of that day, and texted me everyday, for the next 3 days making a real effort to keep the conversation going and texting me a ton( he’s usually not very good at texting, gives really short answers and doesn’t always ask question).

After 3 days of blowing up my phone he asked me to go for a walk, I did and ended up sleeping over at his place. We cleared the air about our previous conversation, and the whole night he made lots of references to things we wanted to do with me and show me in the future, made some cutesy comments like “we’ll be one of those couples” etc. and just had a great night.He also told me he wasn’t dating. My concern and confusion is I don’t know If he started texting me a bunch and pursuing because he genuinely likes me and was scared of losing me after we talked that day or if he was just a typical guy and when he sensed that he might be losing me immediately wanted me back because of his ego. I’m still so confused about why I didn’t hear from him those 4 days and what that meant..

The day I left his house I did text him that night saying thanks for good night the day before etc. and he replied but wondering how I should proceed going forward I’m just so thrown off because I felt he was losing interest before all of this, but maybe he was just sorting out his feelings? So my question now is do I wait for him to initiate contact again and see if his interest was truly genuine and not just because he didn’t like the thought of me going anywhere? Or because he has been the one texting a lot and putting himself out there a lot the past week, do I intiate to show my interest(although I think he already is aware interested) and reach out to him?

Things can often feel a little fragile in the first couple months. It's not uncommon to take a step back and reevaluate where you are. I think it's a good sign that he did and then came back.

However I don't have a crystal ball and if your question is whether to reach out or wait - I'd say there is nothing wrong with a brief text to say hello. You are having sex with him after all. If you are afraid to say hello, then you probably shouldn't be having sex. Right?

You aren't chasing him or being needy.

Waiting for him to make the first move is in some form looking for reassurance.

Things will play out the way they are supposed to anyway and if a hello scares him off, then you should know now, not later.

Sounds like he isn't so much interested in you as he is simply interested in having a warm body around.

The whole over the top chasing, love bombing, future talk thing he pulled on you the moment you expressed concern about where his mind/emotions are is actually highly concerning because it's very very manipulative. A huge, massive red flag to say the least. Personally, I'd be heading for the hills because of that. Who needs to be manipulated like that?

The way I see it is that the conversation was fine, your concerns were normal and to be expected, his response wasn't good. A good response would have been if he was simply looking to talk to you more about it, ask about/hear out your concerns and address them, seek to reassure you or simply be honest about where he is at and let you decide if you want to take that chance. In other words healthy communication without lies, deceit and sweep you off your feet type future talk.

Are you interested in exclusive dating? Why not talk more on dates than through texts and gauge his interest by how often you see each other. He may still be on/off with his gf so he may run hot/cold like this for a while.

He should be making his intentions with you known after he appeared vulnerable sharing his sordid history. The two should have gone hand in hand. If he hasn't, ask him where he's at right now. Go from there.

How long has he been out of the long term relationship? I think he's showing interest; maybe he hesitated a little for whatever reason but if he's treating you well now, might as well keep getting to know him? It's early; things sometimes don't work out through no fault of yours. So don't buy a wedding dress but go ahead and text him, relax, and enjoy the dates.

 

We had a nice night and I slept over and the next morning we were chatting and the “ex” topic came up. He told me he had been in a long term relationship and explained it to me and I kind of got uneasy thinking he might not be ready to move on.

- Your intuition is correct. He's on the rebound and not ready to love another yet.

A man who is ready to love and and falling for you is consistent.

I don't think you should play the game of cat and mouse. Be very clear with your preferably in person communication. Texting too much gets old real fast. In person is even better than a phone conversation.

Get clear, straightforward answers from him so you know where your relationship is at and what type of future both of you have as goals in your relationship.

If he's evasive, confusing or deflects, you will go nowhere with him except have sex. Never waste your time, energy and resources on a man who does nothing except steal your youth.

It's really hard to say where his head is at. Coming on really strong like that can be a warning signal -- you know how it goes - if they burn hot in the beginning, it tends to burn out just as fast. Your reaction to his past bothered him enough, I'd say, that his insecurity caused him to ramp things up a little. It seems a bit much, but can be quite normal. In the beginning, there's a little more connection, communication, texting, seeing each other because you pick up that momentum and you don't want to lose it. After awhile, reality starts creeping in...responsibilities, sleep, work, friends, and you start settling into something else more sustainable long-term. Maybe you're compatible, maybe not, but after 2-3 months, this is about the time this honeymoon phase starts shifting. It's when they come on really fast and furious like that, is when you worry that they're seeking a fantasy and then the flame dies. Obviously I can't predict what this guy is doing, but I would be on alert.

He almost seems overly anxious, possibly desperate, clingy, needy? This is just an impression. What possessed him to go into every single detail of his past relationship to the point it shut you down a little? Did you encourage it, or did he unlock the flood gates at the first opportunity? It's too much, too soon, IMO, and when people have to use their new date as a new ear who hasn't heard it all before, and it becomes a therapy session, I think that's a valid reason for concern. You DO want to understand the reason for the breakup regarding who he is and whether there's a lot of excess baggage, etc., but it is not necessarily a time to get into every single detail so fast and so soon. This guy seems like he's still processing the breakup/relationship.

On the other hand, if you went digging, probing, and encouraged this discussion, you need to accept your lumps. Don't shut down and go silent afterwards. If you want the details, own it and be receptive to him, even reach out first as a means of letting him know you're sticking around despite the diatribe. Or break it off. The silent treatment is no fun. Don't do it. Even with the probing, a person should have the ability to share and not share according to their boundaries, and if can't self-monitor, and women break up with him because he becomes a floodgate of baggage, he has some things to learn.

You, on the other hand, seem to be playing this cat and mouse game. You're having sex; you can reach out to him first once in awhile. I can understand this need to require the male to reach out first; it's generally a good rule of thumb in the beginning, but you've gotta toss this guy a bone once in awhile. Don't leave him dangling to the point his anxiety festers. It shouldn't be that big a deal to shoot off a text and ask about his day or if he wants to plan a day to see that movie or minigolf or something you talked about. If you contacting him with a "hello" has him running in the other direction, it's better to figure this out now.

This guy seems a little off-kilter to me. I would definitely stick around awhile and see what happens, but keep yourself in check and don't expect this is Prince Charming or anything...see how things unfold. You're just now moving into the reality phase...see where it takes you. Maybe it turns out to be a great thing, maybe not. If this guy has your hackles going up too often, make a clean break now before you get too invested. I think it's a hard judge because you're pulling some game-play, and he is responding to it.

Thanks for all the responses! I did end up reaching out to him and he responded right away and we had a nice back and forth for the rest of the night. He was away with a friend and told me he would text me the next day and send me some more pictures of the place - never texted. So im not going to initiate anymore after that and we'll see what happens. It's disappointing but at least if he ever reaches out again or not I will know where he stands!

Thanks for all the responses! I did end up reaching out to him and he responded right away and we had a nice back and forth for the rest of the night. He was away with a friend and told me he would text me the next day and send me some more pictures of the place - never texted. So im not going to initiate anymore after that and we'll see what happens. It's disappointing but at least if he ever reaches out again or not I will know where he stands!

My guess is he may very well reach out again. But you need to ask yourself between now and then if you want to continue dating someone who has shown you such inconsistency and in turn it causes you to feel uneasy. Basically, based on your experiences you are learning to not count on him.

Some people are ok with this. Personally, if I say I am going to contact someone, I do. Because meaning what you say and saying what you mean is an important character trait to me, I look for the same in people I surround myself with.