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Thread: Bit off more than I can chew, too soon?

  1. #1
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    Bit off more than I can chew, too soon?

    I (42M) recently rekindled a friendship with (42F) that I met via social media 2 years ago. I didn't pursue her further then because I was still in a relationship (It ended shortly after but unrelated to this. )

    We started out this time as friends, but things started heating up as we started getting together more frequently.

    Long story short, after a month, I pushed her for exclusivity. In hindsight, I feel like I almost bullied her. But it was done only in am attempt to keep her. (She was about to give up the friendship over a silly disagreement). Looking back, I'm beginning to feel that this push for exclusivity was premature. We didn't get a chance to really know each other.

    There are few things that are fueling my now hesitation and questioning of myself:

    1) she has a young child and the father isn't in the picture, and she is not close w her family, so the child will be a large part of the dating dynamic which will be a challenge.

    2) I'm not ready to give up some of my friends. Most of my friends are female. One has been a FWB, and I'm good ending the sex, but value the friendship part in her.

    3) I'm afraid I will be stuck in a 'the grass is greener" quandary, and in an endless what if scenario. Wondering what I missed, or what else is out there.

    I don't want to hurt her or jerk her around. But I don't think I'm ready to settle.

    Any advice on how to approach this?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Are you dating or just friends? Which would you prefer to pursue? If you want to be friends, then just stay in touch casually. If you want to date exclusively you've got a long road ahead with her or anyone else. If dating exclusively is not in the cards for you at this time or with this women, just relax and date casually for now.

  3. #3
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    You are not capable of a relationship with her. Tell her that you were rash and it would be best to cut contact.

    Not only am I concerned how you are going to hurt her, but also an innocent child.

    Perhaps, it is time to address your emotional unavailability. You should very immature, impulsive and selfish for your age.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Oh my god, you push her and then you have the thoughts you do.

    You're nowhere ready for exclusivity or a long term relationship.

    You need to be honest with her and tell her you made a mistake and would prefer to remain friends or only casually date.

    Be honest.

    Please do not put a woman into this situation again. If you've got gigs syndrome, STAY SINGLE,,,seriously...no woman ever deserves that.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    First, single mothers don't "date." They have been to the circus, you know what I'm saying? They have been to the puppet show and they have seen the strings.
    A single mother, that's a sacred thing, man
    Quotes from the movie "Jerry Maguire"

    Single mothers aren't looking for a fun time or someone to date. They want commitment, someone they can count on. A husband and someone who can be an important part in her child's life.

    This is not YOU.

    Everything you described above is nothing at all like she needs. You are only going to cause her heartache and disappointment. You're not ready for that type of commitment and you'll be bored trying to be the family man.

    Let her go so she can find a man who is ready for that role. You are not.

  7. #6
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    Yeah... I really just kind of think you need to leave this lady alone.

    No matter what you say, she will think that you will want or will be heading towards an exclusive relationship based off your past behavior. You are nowhere near ready for that.

    I donít see how this is going to end up anywhere but in hurt for her.

    At most - be friends, say hi every once in a while, etc - but donít let it heat up. You already have a FWB. Stick with that.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    How you approach it is with simple, direct honesty. You thought you wanted to settle down, be in a committed relationship, but now realize that it's not right for you. You aren't in the right place for that. Then walk away for good and lose her contact info. Then go on having fun, enjoy your casual encounters, sow wild oats, whatever, until you do get actually bored with that and genuinely want to settle down with someone again.....if you ever arrive at that point that is. Keep in mind that there is nothing wrong with being single and having fun.

  9. #8
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    Sorry, but if you want to pursue a relationship (any relationship with any woman), you're probably going to have to let go of your FWB in its entirety. I don't think any woman would be okay with a maintained "BFF" friendship with a casual sex partner. At the end of the day, I'm afraid you're going to have to pick one. This probably goes for all (or most) of your female friends as well, who seem like orbiters and ego boosters (my impression). You either have to hold out for someone who is okay with multiple female friends (including or excluding a sex buddy), or pick which relationship is most important to you.

    You're clearly not ready to settle down, and I think you messed up.

    You knew the dynamic of your GF's (?) life before you got yourself all up in arms over potentially losing her...you knew this. You knew the father was absent, and you knew the child would be a major part of your life. Did you think you could put the boy in a box and not be a stepfather? Did it occur to you that this is a lifetime commitment to this child, or at least until he moves out...high school, grade school, homework, picking up the sick kid from school, clothes, chores, driving lessons, car insurance costs, dating, school projects, extracurricular activities....you choose one, the other is part of the package. Yet you still went whole hog on making her your...what?...are you GF/BF now, or buddies?

    It sounds like you haven't even severed the sexual aspect of your FWB yet.

    No one knows how this FWB is going to ultimately react to her sudden loss of her FWB...are her feelings deeper?

    I don't know how to dig yourself out of this one. You can't have these tiny chunks of separated parts and pieces. You accept her with her child and your potential role as stepfather, ditch the sex buddy, including the friendship, part ways with the other females if required, or you tell your quasi-GF you made a mistake...and you risk the loss. The loss is probably inevitable. You made a mistake, and I don't see how she's going to stick around.

    You'd prefer your FWB and other women. You don't want to deal with the kid...you're not in it. You want to compartmentalize the child away, compartmentalize your other orbiters, and have the benefits of a GF, on your terms only. It's really not a good place.

    I'm sorry. I truly feel for you. It's a big oopsie. It's not like a million other people haven't done it to some degree or another. All you can do is determine what your priorities are and do a clean split from the rest. There will be pain, guilt, anger...you can't escape it. Do not keep this woman on the hook if you're not ready to take on her and her son...and any potential marriage, children, etc. If she's okay with being "just a friend," then hopefully this friendship will recover. Prepare yourself that it won't.

  10. #9
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    OP, you're 42 years old, so I presume you've had other exclusive relationships prior to this girl?

    How did you feel in those relationships? Did you have doubts in those relationships too?

    Finding faults and problems, after you pushed for exclusive?

    It seems to me you knew about all these "issues" before becoming exclusive, which again you pushed for.

    I don't think you're being honest w yourself either.

    It's not the issues with this woman you outlined that are the problem, this has nothing to do w that.

    This is about you and your fear of commitment. In general.

    Address that, take steps to resolve that.

    Just my opinion based on what you posted thus far.

    If you'd like to expound on your prior relationships and what went down w those, I'm open and may change my opinion.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-14-2019 at 10:41 AM.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    It sounds like you misrepresented your level of interest. If she became emotionally attached because of that, backtracking is going to hurt her no matter what. Have you gotten physical? If not, then it's less serious. If you misrepresented yourself to get in her pants then it was a class A assh0le move on your part, no matter how you cut it. You sound too immature. e.g.at 42 you should know that no self-respecting individual would be ok with keeping around a fwb as a friend. Would you yourself be ok if your exclusive gf kept a fwb around like that?

    At this point it's best to break up with her, apologize and not bother her ever again. Next time, do not misrepresent yourself like that. Make sure you really know the other person first.

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