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Thread: Donít know how to take my boyfriends depression please help

  1. #1

    Donít know how to take my boyfriends depression please help

    Hey, my boyfriend of three years has been suffering from depression, he often goes through these outbursts of depression where he doesn't find pleasure in anything he is constantly tired and down all the time. The first time since we've been together when he went through one he ended things with me telling me he simply was no longer happy being with me and we both need to move on and that this is for the best. After about a week of him being on his own, he came back and told me please don't move on I just need space so I didn't and a few days later we got back together and for months we were so good until his depression came back again he said everything he'd said before and that this time was different to the last time and we didn't speak for three weeks until he eventually came back again and we got back together. We were better than we've ever been for about five months up until about a week ago when he woke up and told me he didn't want to be with me, he'd been very down the past few days before this but he told me he loved me and I was his world now only a couple days later he's saying he's just not feeling it and he needs to sort his head out. I understand that I can't continue to let him do this but I care so deeply about him that right now I just want to be there for him and help him through this and if he does talk to me again I will be making sure he gets the help he needs this time but I'm unsure whether to believe him when he says were really over or to assume this is just like the past two times and once he's been alone for a while he will come to his senses again.

  2. #2
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    You can't make sure he gets the help he needs, OP. He has to make sure of that.

    I know you love him, and want to help him, but the toll this is surely taking on you and your own state of mind is getting to be too much. It's not possible to sustain a relationship under these circumstances, and if he doesn't get serious about getting treatment, you would be best to consider walking away.

    Also, there is the question of whether "coming to his senses" means reconciling, or if breaking up actually is him coming to his senses. Depression can certainly could one's mind, but perhaps he's also got an underlying feeling that you two aren't right for each other regardless. I know he's come back before, but this being the third break-up, I would encourage you to come to your own senses too. Ask yourself if you are genuinely up for this type of unpredictability and instability.

    Has he ever been diagnosed, by the way?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately he needs a psychiatrist, not a gf. Do not be a yo-yo at the end on the on/off string with a moody unhappy person. It's his job to fix his life and his health, not yours. You are wasting your life, your energy and your happiness on his problems. End things and stop hoping to fix or change him and do not keep taking him back.
    Originally Posted by Nrichardsxox
    when he went through one he ended things with me telling me he simply was no longer happy being with me and we both need to move on and that this is for the best.
    we were so good until his depression came back again he said everything he'd said before and that this time was different to the last time and we didn't speak for three weeks until he eventually came back again and we got back together.

  4. #4
    Member FleurDeLys's Avatar
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    I understand you love him but you can't cure his depression. Sure, you can support him and encourage him to seek help, but at the end of the day it's his depression not yours. I've dealt with depressed partners before and it can be incredibly draining if you don't set boundaries for yourself and how much you can take.

    You can always tell him understand that he is going through a rough path and that you are willing to support him, but that his current behavior is hurting you and you can't deal with this sort of instability and that he needs to figure out (take space, seek help...). Though at the end of the day, your happiness is your responsibility and again you can't control your boyfriend's behavior, if it's hurting you, I'd advise leaving him before it starts affecting your own mental health.

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  6. #5
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    How long are you going to do this back and forth? What if you had kids, and he decided to continue with this cycle?

    You need to look at YOUR codependency and get out of this relationship. This cycle is very unhealthy.

    He is the ONLY one who is responsible for his mental health. Has he sought help?

  7. #6
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    People with mental issues are better served by counseling.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I'd reconsider why I'd keep taking back a lover who can dump me on a dime at any given time. Is that mine field the way I'd be willing to live? Nope.

    BF is a grown man and perfectly capable of reaching for professional help if he wants to. I wouldn't stick around to assign myself the role of playing social worker. I'd rather keep this on-and-off thing 'off' and move forward to heal and eventually find someone who is relationship material.

    Fool me once...

  9. #8
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    Again everyone else is spot on. You are his gf not his therapist. It's not your job to cure him, you can only help support him but if he refuses to seek the proper help then it's pointless!


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