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Thread: Dating as a 31yr old Single dad..

  1. #1
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    Dating as a 31yr old Single dad..

    This is my first attempt at trying to meet someone since me and the mother or my child split. My son is almost 3yrs old and the mother has been dating awhile already and the guy has been spending time with my son. The whole situation has been tough for me as me and her have split before but got back together and it's obvious this time she has moved on. The relationship was toxic and I caught her talking to other men multiple times.

    Trying to date at this point has proven difficult as my friendship circle isn't as big as it used to be and everyone I know is in a relationship it seems. I am excluded from couple activities and feel like the third wheel most of the time. I work full time as a bartender and take classes part time while raising my son 3.5 days a week. Going out seems difficult and dating apps I have tried seem to lead to dead ends when I mention I have a son or am not graduated from college at 31.

    I only have a year left of school but I fear I will only be more busy once I graduate trying to build my career. Part of me feels like just giving up and accepting that I may be single for a very long time. For now I can remain focused on my school and improving my health as I have been, though this lifestyle has been extremely lonely. Seeing my ex move on to a much happier life and to not be a part of it also makes it more difficult. Is there any hope i can actually find someone at this age as a single dad?

  2. #2
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    Try not to be too hard on yourself, OP. You're definitely not alone.

    Plenty of single dads date. This forum is full of women whose boyfriends have children. My own best friend met a single dad years ago now; he had three children from his previous marriage, and they were with him 50% of the time. She never wanted to have a baby of her own, but was happy to assume a step-mom role to his kids. They are now married. For what it's worth, since you also worry about your lack of a degree - he never obtained any post-secondary education. He went straight to work after highschool to support the family he'd started at a very young age. My bestie didn't mind at all. She admired his work ethic and devotion to making a better life for his kids.

    It probably seems overwhelming now, but concentrate on your studies and doing what you need to do to achieve your personal goals. Dating will happen when it's the right time for you, and be prepared to socialize when possible so you can meet new people. Dating does require an element of putting oneself out there.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Get a good profile and some good recent photos up on some quality (paid) dating apps. Get an efficient strategy. Message a couple of times, meet for a low-key coffee, determine in-person chemistry, ask for a second date or say good bye and move on. Do not dwell on your ex or divorce or hardships on your profile or on dates. Be neutral and balanced. Don't come across as the angry bitter guy who's a victim of his cheating psycho-ex. Don't act or speak as if you feel like a victim of your single parenthood.

  4. #4
    Gold Member Capttrae's Avatar
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    Itís not easy, been single for almost 17 years I guess. Iím really surprised you arenít meeting women bartending. But donít stress it youíll date in time. I know that having a woman around sounds and is nice but concentrate more on your son and education rather than dating. Itíll happen

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Capttrae
    Iím really surprised you arenít meeting women bartending. But donít stress it youíll date in time. I know that having a woman around sounds and is nice but concentrate more on your son and education rather than dating. Itíll happen
    I agree with this! Sometimes it seems like tomorrow will be exactly the same as today, but it really won't. It's not over. It will happen.

    If you find yourself running up against the wall, getting frustrated and discouraged, put dating aside for a while. Now is the time to concentrate on your family and your career. Recharge. Shove those negative thoughts aside.

    I always thought my mom would be single for the rest of her life and it worried me. But one day, she tried online dating. She met someone and they've been together now for over 12 years! That's the longest ever (aside from her marriage to my father, which was 18 years). Things do change.

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    Do you want to date because you want to? Or to try to "keep up" with your ex?

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    I understand this tug and pull of jealousy and emotion with this new guy and your ex dating, and this dude spending time with your son. You had better learn to cope with this, because at some point, you may be dealing with a stepfather. As long as mom is being responsible, you just have to go with it.

    I wonder if you're trying to "keep up" as well.

    I feel for you, I do. I've BTDT. My sister's ex got involved pretty fast. It's difficult, and I don't know how to fix it; you just have to coast through it...acceptance?

    Look, being a single parent is hard. It's really hard. Right now you're thinking about all the bright and shiny parts of a relationship...cuddling, sex, someone to talk to, watch a movie with, cook you a meal. What you're not remembering is relationships take work. Lots of work, and you have a job, school, and a toddler on board, and if you date, you're just adding one more obligation into your already splitting-at-the-seams life. When your son is at his mom's, this is your time to catch up on studies, housework, sleep, and mental health...get together with friends/family without worrying about naps, bed time, or the fact the kid is going to wake you up at some ungodly hour...and you don't have to care for someone else. Just you. This makes you a better parent when he's home with you.

    You'll graduate and start on the career path...you'll get some regularity. The child will be in school. There's more stability...then you date. If dating starts feeling like a chore, put it away for a few months and try again. Don't be in a hurry. Don't try to keep up with the Joneses. You sound like a well-rounded guy, and when life settles down a little, you'll have the ability to get out there and meet a great person.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It sounds like it might be best for you to orient yourself a bit better mentally. You seem a bit dejected and lost or downtrodden. Women won't be attracted to that even if you're the shiniest, most handsome looking man in the crowd. That vibe you're putting out is working against you.

    Start taking inventory of what you are and what you're working towards and rebuild your self-esteem, be a bit more positive about yourself and your direction. I'll be honest with you: nobody cares about your social circle or how sad it is for you that you're a third wheel a lot of the time. No woman wants to hear that in the same way no one you date cares about how sad you are about your ex and difficult it is for you to see her with someone else. I understand you were explaining your situation but your language suggests that you're still in that mind space and, again, it's working against you.

    You mentioned fearing being busy while you work on your career after school. Plenty of people are busy the rest of their lives or a large part of their lives. You still sound like you're letting your previous relationship's insecurities dictate you and your future. You're not going to attract anyone with that type of energy. Start changing the way you think of yourself and things will be a lot different for you.

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    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I agree you are probably trying to date to feel better and not be lonely. That is not a god idea. Focus on healing and your son. Once you start feeling better dating will happen.

    As far as a woman not wanting to meet you because you have a son or you don't have a degree goes. Is that the type of person you really want to spend time with? I doubt it.

    You are not ready to date so it isn't working. Forcing it will only mess you up more. You are still kind of fragile and you need to be solid and have a thick skin to do online dating.

    It isn't to late for you trust me. You have your whole life ahead of you with your son and that is what you need to focus on. Ignore what your ex does and make your life YOURS!!!

    Lost

  11. #10
    Gold Member Gary Snyder's Avatar
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    What????? You are a bartender and you can't meet women? Is it a men's club? If not, you are sitting on a virtual gold mine! Start flirting with the customers.

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