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Thread: Moved away from my parents at 18.. dad is upset

  1. #1

    Moved away from my parents at 18.. dad is upset

    Hello! When I was 18 (now 23) I moved away for college from my parents. I lived a couple states over from them. I loved living on my own and being independent. I should note Iíve always felt very independent even when living at home. After 2 years of college my grandfather passed away.. we were very close so I was grieving for a very long time. Which caused me to drop out of college. I continued living there for 2+ more years even without going to school. But I had a really good full time job, all my friends were there and my long term boyfriend was still in school so I didnít feel the need to ever move back home. I just continued living the life I made for myself. My dad wasnít happy about my decision to move from home, he didnít think I would ever get anything done and that I could possibly struggle on my own. I did struggle but I was happy and I had a life that I didnít wanna give up. Fast forward to a month ago when my boyfriend and I decided to move down to his parents hometown for a bit while he finishes up his last course of school so he can graduate. I didnít mind moving in with his parents because they support him through school and weíre saving up to get married and have a house and start a family in the future. My dad is pretty upset I choose to move down here instead of back with them. I tried to explain that I didnít want to move back to my hometown because I didnít think I would succeed there. Iím having a bit of a problem adjusting to my new home and Iím missing my family a whole lot but I donít want to leave my boyfriend behind. I donít think this will ever get fixed unless I move back with my parents...
    also Iím sorry if this isnít really a question type thread.. I just needed to vent.

  2. #2
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    Do not move back with your parents. You are an adult already on your own path. Visit your parents, love them and try to ease your dad through this maybe but the whole point of being a parent is preparing your children to leave. Maybe he did that with you and neglected to do it for himself. Mine is just one point of view but Iíd be very strong on remaining on your own path, going forwards and not backwards.

  3. #3
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    Do you visit your parents often?
    It is a little concerning that you dropped out of college.
    Death of a loved one is undeniably hard but most people still move forward despite it.
    It does seem like you have become dependant on your bf which is not a good thing.
    Perhaps your father is seeing it like I am?

    Moving home isnít the answer. However showing your dad that you are making positive choices for you probably is.

    What job are you in? And why is your bfs hometown likely to be more successful than your own? Career wise?

    Iíd be worried too if I was your parent.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're an adult and you call the shots. Make sure you have zero financial or other dependency ties with your father and that your relationship is just family. Unless you are officially engaged, do not put your life on hold. Never move in with someone's parents, it's the kiss of death.

    Why can't you live where you want with some roommates and go back to school and work part time? Worry about your education and future not your bf's. Do not get this overly dependent on him.
    Originally Posted by Brinicole
    I didnít mind moving in with his parents because they support him through school. Iím having a bit of a problem adjusting to my new home and Iím missing my family a whole lot but I donít want to leave my boyfriend behind.

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  6. #5
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    I moved away from my parents at 22, to a different country, where I have eventually settled down. My parents do miss me, but they respect my decision and are supportive. I think your dad needs time now, and if he sees you are happy, doing well and making plans for the future, he will be happy for you. I think it is a natural transition to grow up and start living on your own, but I always make sure to call my parents at least once a week, and send some pictures so they can see Iím doing well, and understand why I moved away in the first place. Hope it helps!

  7. #6
    He is graduating in one month from school and his parents are helping him pay for school so when our lease ended back where we both were attending college, I knew for 2 years I wanted to move. I no longer liked the program my college had to offer so moving wasnít that hard of a decision. I miss my family and see them a few times a year but at my previous job I barely ever got time off to see them more. But it helped pay my bills.. my bf lives in a bigger city than what my parents live near. My hometown doesnít have much to offer as far as school and career goes. Iíve always wanted to live in a bigger community and do more things because everyone I know gets stuck living in my hometown because they didnít leave when they got the chance. I donít really depend on anyone since I pay for everything I want/need. Iím only depending on him right now for a place to live. I know itís silly to do that but it just seemed like the best thing to do right now until we both get money saved up for our own home.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure moving in with parents or an s/o's parents' is as bad as most people make it out to be. It is difficult sometimes but it depends on what your goals are and the type of people you are. Most of the stories we hear unfortunately involve real pieces of work but it doesn't mean everyone's story is like that across the board. I don't think all families work this way. You both should do what's best for either of you financially. Surely, you saw your parents being hurt in some way by your decision to move in with your boyfriend's parents.

    It is, afterall, your decision so they will come around after some time. I'm certain of it. You cannot force anyone to feel a certain way - just remember that. Let things be and let the dust settle. Remain steadfast in your convictions and your reasons and don't falter. Not everyone will support you right away and that's because not everyone will be able to see what you see or see your vision for your future. Be patient and do what you have to do.

    Remain positive and maintain your relationship with your parents and spend time with them. Your first instincts may be to avoid difficult conversations with your parents or anyone's parents. Your ability to maintain those relationships will be rewarded eventually and you will see things fall into place. Believe in yourself more and don't rush anyone's feelings or thoughts about the matter.

  9. #8
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    My mom pulled this on me after her mom, my grandma that I was close to died. We had moved far, and she got us all back by her. I was dating someone seriously at the time too. There's a huge fear that you'll die alone without your kids around regardless if you are married or not.

    Heck, my cousin and two of her daughters moved across the country. And you know what, she and hubs retired, and moved to where her daughters were, and they bought her a house in Cali. That's not chump change either. She sold her house at $530K+, and her one kid paid the rest half for a $1.2 mil condo.

    What I mean is, they don't realize they are pissed because they are scared they will miss out on the love, the future grandkids. It has nothing to do with your independence. Sometimes they really just miss you badly. You aren't marrying your folks, so all decisions are up to you, but, go visit more.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Our job as parents is to raise children to grow up, become independent and they should want to leave home.
    Nature does the same thing, with kicking baby birds out of the nest before they are even certain they can fly. If they don't know they can, they learn pretty quickly.

    A parent who wants their young adult home with them is being selfish. I don't know your culture, so things can be a little different depending on that.

    I have two young adult sons who I would love to have kept on the driveway for the rest of their lives. But that's not fair to them, nor healthy.

    I miss them tremendously, though they are both just minutes away from me.
    The fact that they have full lives of their own, independent of me is an sign I did my job.

    Visit your parents. Do it often. You will miss them when they are gone. Tell your Dad you understand his concerns, but you are doing what you need to do. And then give him a hug.

    It's not really open for debate. After all, you are an adult.

  11. #10
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    I don't think your dad's main problem is that you're away from home. The main problem he has is that you're not headed towards higher learning which will then limit your ability to be independent. His other worry is that he thinks you don't do as well when you're away from home. So far I would say he's right.

    Your parents could've helped you mourn for your grandfather and still kept you on track to graduate. You dropped out of college being independent. If you came back after you dropped out they would've convinced to go to college again, but instead you're moving with your boyfriend to stay at your future in laws house. You're not going to college even though your boyfriend is. So the next step is that you're going to get married and have kids and then you really won't have time for college.

    If you enroll in college again your parents won't be as worried that you're not moving back. If you succeed in college and move elsewhere, they will miss you but won't worry that you won't be independent without them. Right now, dropping out of college, moving in with future in laws has them worried that you'll never finish college.

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