Jump to content

Moved away from my parents at 18.. dad is upset


Brinicole

Recommended Posts

Hello! When I was 18 (now 23) I moved away for college from my parents. I lived a couple states over from them. I loved living on my own and being independent. I should note I’ve always felt very independent even when living at home. After 2 years of college my grandfather passed away.. we were very close so I was grieving for a very long time. Which caused me to drop out of college. I continued living there for 2+ more years even without going to school. But I had a really good full time job, all my friends were there and my long term boyfriend was still in school so I didn’t feel the need to ever move back home. I just continued living the life I made for myself. My dad wasn’t happy about my decision to move from home, he didn’t think I would ever get anything done and that I could possibly struggle on my own. I did struggle but I was happy and I had a life that I didn’t wanna give up. Fast forward to a month ago when my boyfriend and I decided to move down to his parents hometown for a bit while he finishes up his last course of school so he can graduate. I didn’t mind moving in with his parents because they support him through school and we’re saving up to get married and have a house and start a family in the future. My dad is pretty upset I choose to move down here instead of back with them. I tried to explain that I didn’t want to move back to my hometown because I didn’t think I would succeed there. I’m having a bit of a problem adjusting to my new home and I’m missing my family a whole lot but I don’t want to leave my boyfriend behind. I don’t think this will ever get fixed unless I move back with my parents...

also I’m sorry if this isn’t really a question type thread.. I just needed to vent.

Link to comment

Do not move back with your parents. You are an adult already on your own path. Visit your parents, love them and try to ease your dad through this maybe but the whole point of being a parent is preparing your children to leave. Maybe he did that with you and neglected to do it for himself. Mine is just one point of view but I’d be very strong on remaining on your own path, going forwards and not backwards.

Link to comment

Do you visit your parents often?

It is a little concerning that you dropped out of college.

Death of a loved one is undeniably hard but most people still move forward despite it.

It does seem like you have become dependant on your bf which is not a good thing.

Perhaps your father is seeing it like I am?

 

Moving home isn’t the answer. However showing your dad that you are making positive choices for you probably is.

 

What job are you in? And why is your bfs hometown likely to be more successful than your own? Career wise?

 

I’d be worried too if I was your parent.

Link to comment

You're an adult and you call the shots. Make sure you have zero financial or other dependency ties with your father and that your relationship is just family. Unless you are officially engaged, do not put your life on hold. Never move in with someone's parents, it's the kiss of death.

 

Why can't you live where you want with some roommates and go back to school and work part time? Worry about your education and future not your bf's. Do not get this overly dependent on him.

I didn’t mind moving in with his parents because they support him through school. I’m having a bit of a problem adjusting to my new home and I’m missing my family a whole lot but I don’t want to leave my boyfriend behind.
Link to comment

I moved away from my parents at 22, to a different country, where I have eventually settled down. My parents do miss me, but they respect my decision and are supportive. I think your dad needs time now, and if he sees you are happy, doing well and making plans for the future, he will be happy for you. I think it is a natural transition to grow up and start living on your own, but I always make sure to call my parents at least once a week, and send some pictures so they can see I’m doing well, and understand why I moved away in the first place. Hope it helps!

Link to comment

He is graduating in one month from school and his parents are helping him pay for school so when our lease ended back where we both were attending college, I knew for 2 years I wanted to move. I no longer liked the program my college had to offer so moving wasn’t that hard of a decision. I miss my family and see them a few times a year but at my previous job I barely ever got time off to see them more. But it helped pay my bills.. my bf lives in a bigger city than what my parents live near. My hometown doesn’t have much to offer as far as school and career goes. I’ve always wanted to live in a bigger community and do more things because everyone I know gets stuck living in my hometown because they didn’t leave when they got the chance. I don’t really depend on anyone since I pay for everything I want/need. I’m only depending on him right now for a place to live. I know it’s silly to do that but it just seemed like the best thing to do right now until we both get money saved up for our own home.

Link to comment

I'm not sure moving in with parents or an s/o's parents' is as bad as most people make it out to be. It is difficult sometimes but it depends on what your goals are and the type of people you are. Most of the stories we hear unfortunately involve real pieces of work but it doesn't mean everyone's story is like that across the board. I don't think all families work this way. You both should do what's best for either of you financially. Surely, you saw your parents being hurt in some way by your decision to move in with your boyfriend's parents.

 

It is, afterall, your decision so they will come around after some time. I'm certain of it. You cannot force anyone to feel a certain way - just remember that. Let things be and let the dust settle. Remain steadfast in your convictions and your reasons and don't falter. Not everyone will support you right away and that's because not everyone will be able to see what you see or see your vision for your future. Be patient and do what you have to do.

 

Remain positive and maintain your relationship with your parents and spend time with them. Your first instincts may be to avoid difficult conversations with your parents or anyone's parents. Your ability to maintain those relationships will be rewarded eventually and you will see things fall into place. Believe in yourself more and don't rush anyone's feelings or thoughts about the matter.

Link to comment

My mom pulled this on me after her mom, my grandma that I was close to died. We had moved far, and she got us all back by her. I was dating someone seriously at the time too. There's a huge fear that you'll die alone without your kids around regardless if you are married or not.

 

Heck, my cousin and two of her daughters moved across the country. And you know what, she and hubs retired, and moved to where her daughters were, and they bought her a house in Cali. That's not chump change either. She sold her house at $530K+, and her one kid paid the rest half for a $1.2 mil condo.

 

What I mean is, they don't realize they are pissed because they are scared they will miss out on the love, the future grandkids. It has nothing to do with your independence. Sometimes they really just miss you badly. You aren't marrying your folks, so all decisions are up to you, but, go visit more.

Link to comment

Our job as parents is to raise children to grow up, become independent and they should want to leave home.

Nature does the same thing, with kicking baby birds out of the nest before they are even certain they can fly. If they don't know they can, they learn pretty quickly.

 

A parent who wants their young adult home with them is being selfish. I don't know your culture, so things can be a little different depending on that.

 

I have two young adult sons who I would love to have kept on the driveway for the rest of their lives. But that's not fair to them, nor healthy.

 

I miss them tremendously, though they are both just minutes away from me.

The fact that they have full lives of their own, independent of me is an sign I did my job.

 

Visit your parents. Do it often. You will miss them when they are gone. Tell your Dad you understand his concerns, but you are doing what you need to do. And then give him a hug.

 

It's not really open for debate. After all, you are an adult.

Link to comment

I don't think your dad's main problem is that you're away from home. The main problem he has is that you're not headed towards higher learning which will then limit your ability to be independent. His other worry is that he thinks you don't do as well when you're away from home. So far I would say he's right.

 

Your parents could've helped you mourn for your grandfather and still kept you on track to graduate. You dropped out of college being independent. If you came back after you dropped out they would've convinced to go to college again, but instead you're moving with your boyfriend to stay at your future in laws house. You're not going to college even though your boyfriend is. So the next step is that you're going to get married and have kids and then you really won't have time for college.

 

If you enroll in college again your parents won't be as worried that you're not moving back. If you succeed in college and move elsewhere, they will miss you but won't worry that you won't be independent without them. Right now, dropping out of college, moving in with future in laws has them worried that you'll never finish college.

Link to comment

I agree with both Mari and Billie on this one.

 

“Sorry.”

 

My parents live near the Appalachian Trail. Those who have traveled it know there is absolutely NOTHING around. Similar to the OP’s situation. They moved to get away from the crime and gangbangers in that sanctuary-city-turned-s-hole we once lived in while I was in my undergraduate program. The economy crashed and my job field (teaching) went on massive hiring freezes right at the time I graduated.

 

I did live independently on and off, took on odd educational jobs (in a big metropolitan city) to stay “independent” and lived with my boyfriend and his roommates for a few years. It did not work out. Though I was with my boyfriend, his roommates were unsanitary pigs whom I did not get along with.

 

I ended up saying the hell with it and moved back with my parents. I left my boyfriend behind but we still stayed together. In addition, I enrolled at the NEAREST university - a 45 minute drive from my parents that was over the mountains and in an Amish town - and got my master’s degree while living with my parents for 2.5 years. I now make excellent money with my new job, married the guy I dated, and we both own a house by the beach.

 

My sister graduated HS in that Appalachian hick town and went to the same university where I got my master’s. She used to work with the president of our country and has moved on to bigger and better things. Not bad for someone graduating from a small rural town!

 

 

The reason I share my anecdote is to show that living with your parents is NOT necessarily a bad choice. It does NOT mean you will be permanently stuck in a community you don’t want to live in. I made my fortune by going back to school and learning a different trade that now provides me with a job I absolutely love, and a salary which I could live off on my own in case my marriage goes sour.

 

 

Oh. Speaking of “sour.” Here is another reality check for you: people and marriages change, so you must be ready when it does happen.

 

I’ve been with my husband for 15 years, and this past year he lost his job for 9 MONTHS right after I had our daughter. Huge change in our stable, happy relationship with lots of fighting, resentment, and depression. Counseling had to be involved because I was sincerely ready to walk out of the marriage. I had to shoulder the financial responsibility of providing for THREE mouths with my master’s-level salary. Babies are expensive, and here is a wake up call: childcare costs are a student loan payment PER WEEK. So OP, with the money you make now can you legitimately support a family of 3+ people in case your boyfriend/husband is unemployed for nearly a year? Of if he is permanently out of a job, can you still financially provide?

 

I do agree with those posters that you ARE living dependently with your boyfriend. It’s great that he’s finishing your degree, but what are YOUR goals of supporting a future family you want with him? I gave up the opportunity of getting a PHD or taking additional college credits because there is no way I can do college studies part-time as a mother. It can be done, but not everyone’s schedules (work and home) are flexible.

 

 

 

So yeah, if you really want to prepare for marriage and children, I strongly advise you should go back to school while you are still young, unmarried, and don’t have children. It doesn’t have to be a university- there are trade schools around. At 23 you haven’t lived your whole life yet to make a decision on matrimony. Trust me

 

I also find it interesting that when a member here asked about your job, you dodged it. Hmmm, maybe you got underlying pride issues as well?

Link to comment

Honestly, i think dad is upset because you dropped out of school for one, and didn't take a few classes that would qualify you to roll it into an associate's degree and you seem too wrapped up in your boyfriend - following him around and focusing on his future instead of yours (oh, and moving in with your bf's parents instead of your parents - if you are going to be independent, be independent but the fact you are leaning on somebody else's parents...) you really need to think of your future independently of your boyfriend. if you are together going forward, great, but now he will have a degree and what will you have?? Nada. Just "some college". People are willing to hire people in their 20s who did't finish college, but when you are older, it won't look like you can finish anything. I am all for trade school, getting a certification that doesn't take too long, etc, but finish something. I don't care whether you get an associate's, get a dental hygienist certification, go to trade school - just secure your future.

 

True story - I worked at a company along with people with degrees and i didn't get to move up because i didn't have my degree regardless of i having been there. I came in as a temp/contract originally and that's how i got in initially. Because i had no degree, they just got rid of me one day instead of hiring me in. I worked there for three years.

 

I went to college for two very solid years, i got involved in my job more the third year and got involved with my ex and followed him. i was supposed to apply to transfer to a school once i was working in the new town for awhile and it never happened. bills, not having the right required classes, and here i am today. I do okay, but had i finished something--- people look for finishing "something".

 

So, stop following boyfriend. Go back home and cram to get your degree or roll it into a degree. or apply to companies that pay for school. whatever it is, but if you tie your star to your boyfriend, what happens if it doesn't last?

Link to comment

Your parents care about you and are invested in you, of course, but your choices should come from making good choices for your future. Not from dependency on your parents or worse, your bf and his parents. Part of spreading your wings and soaring is thinking for yourself.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...