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When is it "right" to take a break from a relationship?


annie-47

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I have a lot of personal issues, I am going through a really bad quarter-life crisis where I feel like I need to hurry up and do everything (I also kind of feel like I didn't experience enough of other people romantically, that makes me feel really guilty and horrible). There's nothing wrong with my boyfriend, he's a supportive and loving person. This is the best, and longest, relationship I've ever been in (5 years). Maybe because we don't have issues I am getting bored? I also have mental issues that I need to work on, I am going to see a therapist within the next month. I feel extremely overwhelmed with life, and at the same time I'm really confused and lost, and I need to figure out what I want. The last thing I want is to hurt my boyfriend with reckless behavior, and I feel like that's coming, like I might cheat on him or something. He does not deserve that.

 

Is it wrong to take a break because I have problems and will probably end up damaging our relationship? I feel like I can't be a good partner, like I'm just dragging him down and he's just going to get hurt. I don't know what to do. I feel horrible. I never thought I would be asking if I should take a break from this, because our relationship is great.

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I feel like I can't be a good partner, like I'm just dragging him down and he's just going to get hurt.

In your case, and going by all you have described, I would say right now is a VERY good idea for you to take a break. BUT, I would also strongly advise you discuss all of this with your boyfriend as I think it is only fair that he understands where your head is at so that he can make his own decision on whether he wants to stay around or move on. He deserves to know how you feel. Tell him and let the chips fall where they may.

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Thank you for the reply. I agree. I am definitely going to discuss all of this with him.

I have also recently rekindled with an friendship with a guy from my old college and I have began to smoke/vape with him, I hadn't before. This would be so very disappointing to my boyfriend, probably also the fact I'm hanging out with another guy even though it's platonic. I assume I should tell him this? He may give me an ultimatum.

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I agree. I am definitely going to discuss all of this with him.

I have also recently rekindled with an friendship with a guy from my old college and I have began to smoke/vape with him, I hadn't before. This would be so very disappointing to my boyfriend, probably also the fact I'm hanging out with another guy even though it's platonic. I assume I should tell him this? He may give me an ultimatum.

YES, tell him. Are you sure there isn't more to this? Even subconsciously? It seems you have way too much going on right now and are not in a very happy place and as such, your relationship will go downhill. I think your boyfriends needs and deserves to know what is going on with you, inside your head.

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I feel happy and excited when I am around this friend, maybe it's because, first, this is a "new" friendship, and secondly he is so nice to me and we have very deep talks/give advice (including relationship advice, he is considering getting back together with an ex). Sure, he is an attractive guy. But he does talk about his previous sexual/relationship experiences, which is a big turn off to me. Anyways, I do not think I would want to date him even if I were single, he is a great friend though.

I do understand though how it might look from the outside. It looks horrible. I would obviously be concerned if my bf was doing this with a girl, so he would likely feel the same about me doing it.

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Actually, I need to take that back. When I think about it, I wouldn't be devastated if he had this type of friendship with a girl. I don't know if I would even be devastated if he broke up with me. I have no idea why.

Because clearly you have already checked out of the relationship some time ago - which explains your unhappiness, confusion and restlessness. Do the right thing and end the relationship - it is not fair to your boyfriend to keep this going. Don't even bother "taking a break". Just end it already. Tell him the truth and then leave.

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Because clearly you have already checked out of the relationship some time ago - which explains your unhappiness, confusion and restlessness. Do the right thing and end the relationship - it is not fair to your boyfriend to keep this going. Don't even bother "taking a break". Just end it already. Tell him the truth and then leave.

 

Okay, I guess I should just not ever speak about what I'm thinking again... why the sudden aggressive shift?

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Okay, I guess I should just not ever speak about what I'm thinking again... why the sudden aggressive shift?

 

huh?? There's no aggressive shift at all. I was merely responding to what you have been sharing. The more information you shared, the more it became obvious, to me anyway, is that it seems (to me), that you have clearly checked out of the relationship some time ago and because of that, I felt it would make a lot more sense to make a clear break, rather than "take a break", as I see no point in a temporary break when you have already checked out anyway. Sorry if that was "aggressive".

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Sorry but it sounded very harsh. I was just expressing how I feel, and I said I don't understand it. You made it seem like I'm an trying to hurt my boyfriend. Maybe I am but I don't mean to be. I'm just looking for helpful advice, that's all.

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Sorry but it sounded very harsh. I was just expressing how I feel, and I said I don't understand it. You made it seem like I'm an trying to hurt my boyfriend. Maybe I am but I don't mean to be. I'm just looking for helpful advice, that's all.

No, not at all. I wasn't being harsh or mean and certainly didn't intent to be. I have already explained - I was responding to the extra information you provided and the way I saw it, it seemed you have checked out of the relationship some time ago, and if that's the case, it made more sense to me to end the relationship. Sorry if that was harsh and unhelpful. Maybe other members will be more helpful to you.

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It's not that you are trying to hurt your boyfriend, but sometimes intentions don't matter. You've said multiple things in your posts that suggest you are moving on from the relationship while staying with him, which is what is meant by "checked out".

 

I get it. It's hard to end a 5 year involvement. It would certainly be easier for you to ask for a break, maybe try out dating other people, and stay in contact with your boyfriend while you claim confusion. I think you need to ask yourself if that's fair, though.

 

Right now, my guess is that your boyfriend has no idea you are thinking any of this. If you ask for a break or end the relationship, he is going to feel like it came out of nowhere. I think the reason why you are not effectively communicating with him and are instead voicing your concerns to this new guy is because you aren't really committed to making the relationship work.

 

Capricorn was not being harsh. They were acknowledging new information about the situation and your feelings as you continued to elaborate on your initial post. I'm sure your feeling guilty about wanting to move on and see what else is out there, but I don't think you should. Just because someone is nice and the two of you get along does not mean you are obligated to stay with them.

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I understand. I think that it was just too blunt and I wanted a little more clarification, that's all. I guess I'm very defensive too because I'm emotional right now.

Another issue I should bring up is that I think I love him as a friend, as in, I really care about him but I'm not sexually attracted to him. I find myself with a bad case of wandering eyes. But I have never ever cheated. And yes, this would definitely come out of nowhere to him, and I want to discuss it. Who knows, maybe we can work things out and I'll feel differently.

If we were to break up at some point, do you think we could stay friends? Is that possible? I feel so guilty about all of this.

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Please do not suggest "staying friends". At some point you will begin dating someone else. How do you think that will make him feel?

 

Please don't prioritize relieving your own feelings of guilt. Let him go and then let him be. That would be kinder than giving him any false hope such as telling him you want to "stay friends" or "maybe we can try again someday".

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Please do not suggest "staying friends". At some point you will begin dating someone else. How do you think that will make him feel?

 

Please don't prioritize relieving your own feelings of guilt. Let him go and then let him be. That would be kinder than giving him any false hope such as telling him you want to "stay friends" or "maybe we can try again someday".

This makes sense. How does one talk about this to their SO without sounding like a total ?

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Be honest with him just like your post. If you feel as if you're dragging him down, then tell him. Tell him how insecure you feel, your overwhelming feelings, how you need to figure out what you want and that you're confused. Set both of yourselves free.

 

Work on you first. In the meantime, your boyfriend can take a break from the relationship and move on with someone else. In your future, when you're ready, you too can move onto another man.

 

Honesty is the right way to break up from a relationship. Be respectful, kind and truthful. You will be alright. He will, too.

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Be honest with him just like your post. If you feel as if you're dragging him down, then tell him. Tell him how insecure you feel, your overwhelming feelings, how you need to figure out what you want and that you're confused. Set both of yourselves free.

 

Work on you first. In the meantime, your boyfriend can take a break from the relationship and move on with someone else. In your future, when you're ready, you too can move onto another man.

 

Honesty is the right way to break up from a relationship. Be respectful, kind and truthful. You will be alright. He will, too.

 

It's unfortunate because we are going on a vacation together starting tomorrow. I want to have a good time (and I don't think it's necessary to call this off right away), but maybe on our way back it would be okay to talk about this?

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You have outgrown your relationship, OP, and your frustration and confusion stems from the fact that you can't logically find a "reason" why you don't want to be with your boyfriend anymore.

 

You mentioned that you feel this a quarter-life crisis, which suggests that you're still quite young. A lot of folks go through this when they realize they have grown up, changed and no longer feel the same way about their partners. It's not a crisis, really, just a pretty normal shift in wants and desires - especially when you haven't had much experience apart from this relationship.

 

It's obvious that a break isn't going to solve this. You need to be honest with your boyfriend that you don't see a future together anymore. Being friends isn't realistic in the immediate aftermath of a break-up; it's usually far too painful for the dumpee. Maybe one day when you have both moved on, you might connect on friendly ground again. But know that breaking up with him will mean he is no longer in your life. I was once in your shoes, probably right around your age, with an ex (also of 5 years) who was a good guy on paper but not the right guy for me anymore. It wasn't easy to end it, but I can honestly say I never regretted that choice. I knew I wasn't invested any longer and didn't see him a romantic partner. We have both long since moved on.

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It's ultimately your decision regarding the timing of when you decide to tell your boyfriend it is time to break up due to your reasons.

 

I know you want to have a good time with your boyfriend during vacation. However, keep in mind that if you tell him on your and your boyfriend's way back from vacation, he may feel that you were deceitful toward him during vacation. It's your call.

 

Personally, I wouldn't want to go on vacation with my boyfriend if my intentions were to breakup with him en route to home with him. That's just me. You're different and you decide what is right and best for you.

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Yes you should take a break but a permanent one.

You can’t pin point a reason to break up with your bf because he has been a lovely one to you.

But that doesn’t mean you are obliged to stay with him.

The relationship had an expiry date and you have surpassed that date.

You are not in love with him anymore and that is ok.

 

What’s not ok is you keeping him as a safety net should you realise the grass is not greener elsewhere.

You are being cowardly. At the expense of your bf.

Let him go with a clean break.

 

The guys you are hanging out with , will only turn into nothing. But after a 5 year relationship, you will need to be single at least a year before getting into another.

 

You will not be friends with your bf after you break up with him. It just doesn’t work like that.

 

So, stop using your bf as a crutch while you entertain others.

If you love him as a friend like you say you do, you wouldn’t do that.

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Ah, the old vacation dilemma. It comes up so often with breakups. I am with the other poster who said that going on vacation and ending it on the ride home could potentially cause more pain for your boyfriend.

 

However, there is no easy or right choice, in my opinion. I would say it depends on the length of the vacation. A few days wouldn't be a big deal, but a week or more away is pushing it.

 

Also, I really would advise against intitating the breakup when you are trapped in a car with the guy. Ideally, breakups should be done in person but kept relatively brief. He will have questions, as you guys dated for 5 years, but the conversation will spiral out of control if it lasts more than a half an hour.

 

Just my two cents, though. Good luck with whatever decision you make.

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You’re right. How should I initiate this conversation? We will be on vacation for a week.

 

Speaking only for myself, I'd skip poisoning the vacation with deep talk. While my goal wouldn't be dishonesty, I'd avoid the self indulgence of viewing myself as somehow more saintly by ruining 'our' holiday because I can't go 7 more days without upchucking my decision or any clues about it RIGHT NOW, as opposed to a month ago or a week from now.

 

To me, that's the definition of a brain fart gone wrong. If I've been wrestling with my feelings for whatever amount of time, I'm not more deceptive this week than I've been for the duration.

 

Nobody ever comes out of a breakup as a hero. I'd skip fantasies of trying to come out of this in the best light, and I'd adopt the necessary 'bad guy' role, instead, if it's assigned to me. This makes room for the fact that most people don't respond well to breakups, and while some hurtful stuff may be hurled at me in the process, I'm realistic enough to know that staying with someone just to avoid being villainized isn't helpful to anyone.

 

We all need to play the bad guy in order to exit from a relationship that doesn't work for us anymore. All relationships being voluntary, there are no judges or juries, so there's no need to build a case. Nobody else is living our love lives for us, so nobody else gets a vote. As difficult as breakups are, the idea that we can spare another any hurt or pain by being less efficient about it doesn't make it so.

 

Head high, do what's right for you, and by definition, you are doing the right thing to free another from any further investment in a wrong match. As tough as this is to do, you will thank yourself later.

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Okay if anyone wants an update: we both agreed to part ways romantically. We acknowledged that we still feel companionate love for one another but there’s no intimacy or spark anymore. Plus, all of my mental issues are getting in the way of the relationship. I think I just need to be single for a while. That doesn’t mean we are getting back together at some point.

Thanks all for your input

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