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Thread: When is it "right" to take a break from a relationship?

  1. #11
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by annie-47
    Sorry but it sounded very harsh. I was just expressing how I feel, and I said I don't understand it. You made it seem like I'm an trying to hurt my boyfriend. Maybe I am but I don't mean to be. I'm just looking for helpful advice, that's all.
    No, not at all. I wasn't being harsh or mean and certainly didn't intent to be. I have already explained - I was responding to the extra information you provided and the way I saw it, it seemed you have checked out of the relationship some time ago, and if that's the case, it made more sense to me to end the relationship. Sorry if that was harsh and unhelpful. Maybe other members will be more helpful to you.

  2. #12
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    Okay, well thanks for clearing that up, it just came across as aggressive. Can you explain a little more as to what you mean by that? that I've "checked out"?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member SGH's Avatar
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    It's not that you are trying to hurt your boyfriend, but sometimes intentions don't matter. You've said multiple things in your posts that suggest you are moving on from the relationship while staying with him, which is what is meant by "checked out".

    I get it. It's hard to end a 5 year involvement. It would certainly be easier for you to ask for a break, maybe try out dating other people, and stay in contact with your boyfriend while you claim confusion. I think you need to ask yourself if that's fair, though.

    Right now, my guess is that your boyfriend has no idea you are thinking any of this. If you ask for a break or end the relationship, he is going to feel like it came out of nowhere. I think the reason why you are not effectively communicating with him and are instead voicing your concerns to this new guy is because you aren't really committed to making the relationship work.

    Capricorn was not being harsh. They were acknowledging new information about the situation and your feelings as you continued to elaborate on your initial post. I'm sure your feeling guilty about wanting to move on and see what else is out there, but I don't think you should. Just because someone is nice and the two of you get along does not mean you are obligated to stay with them.

  4. #14
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    I understand. I think that it was just too blunt and I wanted a little more clarification, that's all. I guess I'm very defensive too because I'm emotional right now.
    Another issue I should bring up is that I think I love him as a friend, as in, I really care about him but I'm not sexually attracted to him. I find myself with a bad case of wandering eyes. But I have never ever cheated. And yes, this would definitely come out of nowhere to him, and I want to discuss it. Who knows, maybe we can work things out and I'll feel differently.
    If we were to break up at some point, do you think we could stay friends? Is that possible? I feel so guilty about all of this.

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  6. #15
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    Please do not suggest "staying friends". At some point you will begin dating someone else. How do you think that will make him feel?

    Please don't prioritize relieving your own feelings of guilt. Let him go and then let him be. That would be kinder than giving him any false hope such as telling him you want to "stay friends" or "maybe we can try again someday".

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Please do not suggest "staying friends". At some point you will begin dating someone else. How do you think that will make him feel?

    Please don't prioritize relieving your own feelings of guilt. Let him go and then let him be. That would be kinder than giving him any false hope such as telling him you want to "stay friends" or "maybe we can try again someday".
    This makes sense. How does one talk about this to their SO without sounding like a total ?

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Be honest with him just like your post. If you feel as if you're dragging him down, then tell him. Tell him how insecure you feel, your overwhelming feelings, how you need to figure out what you want and that you're confused. Set both of yourselves free.

    Work on you first. In the meantime, your boyfriend can take a break from the relationship and move on with someone else. In your future, when you're ready, you too can move onto another man.

    Honesty is the right way to break up from a relationship. Be respectful, kind and truthful. You will be alright. He will, too.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Be honest with him just like your post. If you feel as if you're dragging him down, then tell him. Tell him how insecure you feel, your overwhelming feelings, how you need to figure out what you want and that you're confused. Set both of yourselves free.

    Work on you first. In the meantime, your boyfriend can take a break from the relationship and move on with someone else. In your future, when you're ready, you too can move onto another man.

    Honesty is the right way to break up from a relationship. Be respectful, kind and truthful. You will be alright. He will, too.
    It's unfortunate because we are going on a vacation together starting tomorrow. I want to have a good time (and I don't think it's necessary to call this off right away), but maybe on our way back it would be okay to talk about this?

  10. #19
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    You have outgrown your relationship, OP, and your frustration and confusion stems from the fact that you can't logically find a "reason" why you don't want to be with your boyfriend anymore.

    You mentioned that you feel this a quarter-life crisis, which suggests that you're still quite young. A lot of folks go through this when they realize they have grown up, changed and no longer feel the same way about their partners. It's not a crisis, really, just a pretty normal shift in wants and desires - especially when you haven't had much experience apart from this relationship.

    It's obvious that a break isn't going to solve this. You need to be honest with your boyfriend that you don't see a future together anymore. Being friends isn't realistic in the immediate aftermath of a break-up; it's usually far too painful for the dumpee. Maybe one day when you have both moved on, you might connect on friendly ground again. But know that breaking up with him will mean he is no longer in your life. I was once in your shoes, probably right around your age, with an ex (also of 5 years) who was a good guy on paper but not the right guy for me anymore. It wasn't easy to end it, but I can honestly say I never regretted that choice. I knew I wasn't invested any longer and didn't see him a romantic partner. We have both long since moved on.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    It's ultimately your decision regarding the timing of when you decide to tell your boyfriend it is time to break up due to your reasons.

    I know you want to have a good time with your boyfriend during vacation. However, keep in mind that if you tell him on your and your boyfriend's way back from vacation, he may feel that you were deceitful toward him during vacation. It's your call.

    Personally, I wouldn't want to go on vacation with my boyfriend if my intentions were to breakup with him en route to home with him. That's just me. You're different and you decide what is right and best for you.

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