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Thread: Having trouble coping with my wifes sexuality

  1. #1

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    Having trouble coping with my wifes sexuality

    Hello, so me and my wife got married last month. Shes the girl of my dreams and I love her very much. We got together late 2014 and were great until the end of 2017 when I found out she was cheating on me with a woman. We broke up and were split for about a year. I understand that she was young and sexuality is something that can be difficult to navigate ( I myself am bisexual but prefer to be in a heterosexual relationship ). She was 20 when we started dated and shes 25 now ( im 32 ). She had a lot of sexual repression growing up in a strict religious home.
    We got back in touch last year around november and the spark was very much there. We fell back into it pretty quickly and we got married May 11th.
    My problem is when she mentions her sexuality or her past relationship with the woman she left me for i get physically ill. I hate the fact that I hate that shes bi. I want to accept it because i want to accept her in her entirety.
    How do I move past that? Am I a bad person? A bigot? It makes me feel awful to even worry, but I do. I sometimes want to look through her phone, but I stop myself. I have no reason to do that. How does one curb their own jealousy?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    You're not having trouble coping with your wife's sexuality, you are having trouble coping with her infidelity. Why don't you go to couples counselling together so that she leans boundaries that will keep her from cheating on you again and you learn tools that will lead you to trust her again. If you know she has learned boundaries and won't cross them, perhaps you will learn to trust her again.

    Why does she have a need to mention her affair? Are you asking about it or is she just volunteering? Is she mentioning her sexuality because she is longing to be with another woman?

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by JayCanon
    ( I myself am bisexual

    I hate the fact that I hate that shes bi.


    How does one curb their own jealousy?
    You hate the fact that she's bi, yet you yourself are bi too? So you're jealous that she's been with a woman. Would it have made you feel any better if she was with a man instead? I'm just trying to understand what is going on here because it's not making much sense to me.

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    Originally Posted by JayCanon

    My problem is when she mentions her sexuality or her past relationship with the woman she left me for i get physically ill. I hate the fact that I hate that shes bi. I want to accept it because i want to accept her in her entirety.
    How do I move past that?
    Question: If she had cheated on you with a man, would you still be having the same troubled thoughts you're having now, envisioning her with a woman?

    What is it about her being "bi" that threatens you so much? I mean, you yourself are bi, do you have guilt about that? Like somehow you feel it's immoral or wrong, and that's why you prefer to engage in hetero relationships?

    Just trying to get to the bottom of what's troubling you exactly.

    The fact she cheated, or that she cheated with a woman and/or that she's "bi" and you believe on some subconscious level being bi is wrong?
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-13-2019 at 09:06 PM.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980

    Just trying to get to the bottom of what's troubling you exactly.
    Um...the fact that she is sleeping with someone other than her husband whether its a man, woman, a football team of mixed gender, etc??

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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Um...the fact that she is sleeping with someone other than her husband whether its a man, woman, a football team of mixed gender, etc??
    Thanks but why not let him answer, since the question was directed to him.

    His feelings about the entire situation seem to involve many different shades of gray, especially since he said he's troubled by thoughts of her sexuality and of her being with a woman. Not troubled by thoughts of her cheating, but thoughts of her with a woman.

    And the fact that he is bi, but seems to be troubled by her being bi, yeah like I said, I think I would prefer to get the answer from him, but thanks for your opinion anyway.

  8. #7
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    She had a lot of sexual repression growing up in a strict religious home.

    I have said this a million times. Growing up in a strict home does not make you gay or promiscuous.
    And often I see in retrospect, parents that were seen as "strict" actually were protecting their kids - they were the wet blankets that did not allow opposite sex sleepovers in their home nor would let their child attend one, did not allow non-age appropriate clothing to be worn (10 year old cannot show up to school in full makeup and a miniskirt).

    Anyways -- yes, you are placing the blame in the wrong place. She is a cheater. I am tired of people excusing cheating because they cheat with a same sex partner. If you want a monogamous marriage, then she was the wrong one to marry unless you really think it was a one time thing and accept that she has changed.

    I think its awful that she is still talking about this woman.

    I don't think you are an awful person -- i think it makes you physically ill that a woman who pledged her fidelity to you is talking about someone she cheated with.

    Okay - you are bi, too, but you met your wife and that was that -- you decided to be monogamous with her . You did not want anyone else. And here is your wife bringing up her affair partner etc instead of focusing her energy on improving your love life together. I highly suggest marriage counseling. Have you spoken to her and asked her not to keep bringing up the other woman?

  9. #8
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    I have to admit I am more intrigued by that fact that he's jealous. So many other things going on and to be concerned about, but no, he jealous?? What's that all about?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Capricorn3
    I have to admit I am more intrigued by that fact that he's jealous. So many other things going on and to be concerned about, but no, he jealous?? What's that all about?
    Yeah that's yet another shade of gray, his jealousy.

    Not once did he mention the fact she cheated bothers him. Which to most of us would be the most troubling thing!

    It's her sexuality, her being with a woman and that he's jealous of the woman that troubles him.

    To echo Cap, yeah what's that about?

  11. #10
    You need to set her straight on her insistence on bringing up the woman that she cheated on you with. Its a clear lack of empathy and is completely disrespectful. You forgave her for cheating on you decided to give her a marriage and move forward with a relationship. That alone speaks volumes about just how much you love her and how invested you are in your relationship. And yet she has the audacity to speak casually of the transgression that you initially left her for with little regard for your emotions and how much it hurt you. You two need to sit down and have a serious conversation. If shes serious about being with you and truly loves you, then you need to make it clear to her that talking about the person she cheated on you with needs to stop indefinitely. You need to tell her that the subject makes you uncomfortable and is a reminder of how much it hurt. If she is just as invested in you as your significant other and making your marriage work as you are, then she will understand and she will empathize. If not then there are other underlying issues that need to be addressed on her end.

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