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Having trouble coping with my wifes sexuality


JayCanon

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Hello, so me and my wife got married last month. Shes the girl of my dreams and I love her very much. We got together late 2014 and were great until the end of 2017 when I found out she was cheating on me with a woman. We broke up and were split for about a year. I understand that she was young and sexuality is something that can be difficult to navigate ( I myself am bisexual but prefer to be in a heterosexual relationship ). She was 20 when we started dated and shes 25 now ( im 32 ). She had a lot of sexual repression growing up in a strict religious home.

We got back in touch last year around november and the spark was very much there. We fell back into it pretty quickly and we got married May 11th.

My problem is when she mentions her sexuality or her past relationship with the woman she left me for i get physically ill. I hate the fact that I hate that shes bi. I want to accept it because i want to accept her in her entirety.

How do I move past that? Am I a bad person? A bigot? It makes me feel awful to even worry, but I do. I sometimes want to look through her phone, but I stop myself. I have no reason to do that. How does one curb their own jealousy?

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You're not having trouble coping with your wife's sexuality, you are having trouble coping with her infidelity. Why don't you go to couples counselling together so that she leans boundaries that will keep her from cheating on you again and you learn tools that will lead you to trust her again. If you know she has learned boundaries and won't cross them, perhaps you will learn to trust her again.

 

Why does she have a need to mention her affair? Are you asking about it or is she just volunteering? Is she mentioning her sexuality because she is longing to be with another woman?

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( I myself am bisexual

 

I hate the fact that I hate that shes bi.

 

How does one curb their own jealousy?

You hate the fact that she's bi, yet you yourself are bi too? So you're jealous that she's been with a woman. Would it have made you feel any better if she was with a man instead? I'm just trying to understand what is going on here because it's not making much sense to me.

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My problem is when she mentions her sexuality or her past relationship with the woman she left me for i get physically ill. I hate the fact that I hate that shes bi. I want to accept it because i want to accept her in her entirety.

How do I move past that?

 

Question: If she had cheated on you with a man, would you still be having the same troubled thoughts you're having now, envisioning her with a woman?

 

What is it about her being "bi" that threatens you so much? I mean, you yourself are bi, do you have guilt about that? Like somehow you feel it's immoral or wrong, and that's why you prefer to engage in hetero relationships?

 

Just trying to get to the bottom of what's troubling you exactly.

 

The fact she cheated, or that she cheated with a woman and/or that she's "bi" and you believe on some subconscious level being bi is wrong?

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Um...the fact that she is sleeping with someone other than her husband whether its a man, woman, a football team of mixed gender, etc??

 

Thanks but why not let him answer, since the question was directed to him.

 

His feelings about the entire situation seem to involve many different shades of gray, especially since he said he's troubled by thoughts of her sexuality and of her being with a woman. Not troubled by thoughts of her cheating, but thoughts of her with a woman.

 

And the fact that he is bi, but seems to be troubled by her being bi, yeah like I said, I think I would prefer to get the answer from him, but thanks for your opinion anyway.

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She had a lot of sexual repression growing up in a strict religious home.

 

I have said this a million times. Growing up in a strict home does not make you gay or promiscuous.

And often I see in retrospect, parents that were seen as "strict" actually were protecting their kids - they were the wet blankets that did not allow opposite sex sleepovers in their home nor would let their child attend one, did not allow non-age appropriate clothing to be worn (10 year old cannot show up to school in full makeup and a miniskirt).

 

Anyways -- yes, you are placing the blame in the wrong place. She is a cheater. I am tired of people excusing cheating because they cheat with a same sex partner. If you want a monogamous marriage, then she was the wrong one to marry unless you really think it was a one time thing and accept that she has changed.

 

I think its awful that she is still talking about this woman.

 

I don't think you are an awful person -- i think it makes you physically ill that a woman who pledged her fidelity to you is talking about someone she cheated with.

 

Okay - you are bi, too, but you met your wife and that was that -- you decided to be monogamous with her . You did not want anyone else. And here is your wife bringing up her affair partner etc instead of focusing her energy on improving your love life together. I highly suggest marriage counseling. Have you spoken to her and asked her not to keep bringing up the other woman?

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I have to admit I am more intrigued by that fact that he's jealous. So many other things going on and to be concerned about, but no, he jealous?? What's that all about?

 

Yeah that's yet another shade of gray, his jealousy.

 

Not once did he mention the fact she cheated bothers him. Which to most of us would be the most troubling thing!

 

It's her sexuality, her being with a woman and that he's jealous of the woman that troubles him.

 

To echo Cap, yeah what's that about?

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You need to set her straight on her insistence on bringing up the woman that she cheated on you with. It’s a clear lack of empathy and is completely disrespectful. You forgave her for cheating on you decided to give her a marriage and move forward with a relationship. That alone speaks volumes about just how much you love her and how invested you are in your relationship. And yet she has the audacity to speak casually of the transgression that you initially left her for with little regard for your emotions and how much it hurt you. You two need to sit down and have a serious conversation. If she’s serious about being with you and truly loves you, then you need to make it clear to her that talking about the person she cheated on you with needs to stop indefinitely. You need to tell her that the subject makes you uncomfortable and is a reminder of how much it hurt. If she is just as invested in you as your significant other and making your marriage work as you are, then she will understand and she will empathize. If not then there are other underlying issues that need to be addressed on her end.

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Title of your thread OP:

 

>>Having trouble coping with my wifes sexuality

 

I am not usually one to recommend private therapy, but in your case, it may be warranted.

 

As I said, you don't seem troubled at all by her cheating, you essentially moved on from that according to your original post.

 

It's her sexuality and being with a woman that troubles you most. And the fact she's bi, even though you're bi.

 

This is deep complicated sh* you need to resolve within yourself otherwise your marriage doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of working out imo.

 

Best of luck.

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You hate the fact that she's bi, yet you yourself are bi too? So you're jealous that she's been with a woman. Would it have made you feel any better if she was with a man instead?

No. He states he hates the fact that HE has trouble accepting it, not that she's bi....

 

Someone else picked up on this but yes it could be more about infidelity rather than sexual preference....

 

Anyway, OP your feelings are your own and it will be up to you if you can overcome this or not....

 

Usually it starts with changing the narrative in your head...And with infidelity she needs to help you trust her again....

 

Another point that was raised is why does she tell you about that previous RS? Does she just bring it up or do you ask her about it? That is rather important.....

 

Carus*

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Hey everyone, thanks for your questions.

Ill try to answer questions the best I can.

1. Her being Bi isnt the problem. My issue is that I have an issue with it. Its MY problem because it leads to irrational Jealousy.

- do you have any tips on over coming that

2. Cheating - yes, that was a problem for me. We obviously talked about in length many times. She apologized and I get it. She had her reasons, none of them justified what she did, but at the time she thought she was doing what was best for her.

 

3. If she had cheated on me with a man- I was married before for a long time. I was in a terrible car accident and lost the ability to walk and work for a long while. My wife at the time left me for a man because she couldnt handle our situation. I know what its like to be cheated on. I was very hurt obviously, but I would have forgiven her too.

 

4. Jealousy of her being bisexual, even though i myself am bisexual-

I never felt like she would cheat on me with a man, idk why. Never worried about it. Never worried about it being with a girl either until she met her ex ( who happened to be my friend ).

Also, Im NOT worried about her cheating. I dont feel like she will.

What my issue is irrationality. I KNOW my thoughts are irrational. She and I spend every day together. We both work alot and when we arent working we are doing things together, projects, trips, ect.

I dont have a problem with her being bi, i have a problem with myself for having irrational thoughts about it.

 

5. Talking about her ex.- this one is odd, she sometimes mentions her ( refers to her as head ) when she talks about the year we werent together. Its never fond memories or anything. Its mostly just factual. Just the thought of them together freaks me out. I hate that they ever met and maybe I feel guilty about it? IDK. I do know its not my fault. But like I said, irrational.

 

6. Strict religious home- of course im not saying that mAde her bisexual. Im saying she was bi and never got to explore that side of herself. She was deathly afraid of her parents finding out. When they did they all but disowned her. It wasnt right.

 

Overall point and maybe i could have lead with this?

Do you guys have any tips on dealing with jealousy in the immediate, while we wait to see our therapist?

How do you guys overcome irrationality and curb anxiety?

Any tips on those things will be helpful

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You are way too focused on sexuality and your obsession with being politically correct, etc. when the real issue is a complete lack of trust. That is a relationship issue that you would be wise to address in marriage therapy. Just because you are both bi or have "religious upbringings" doesn't make you special and immune to the usual ordinary trust and communication issues that plague struggling marriages. Focus on the real interpersonal problems rather than all the political stuff.

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Straight, gay, bi, transgender - cheating is still cheating. Sexual orientation doesn't lessen the pain of the betrayal or make it OK.

 

Time for you to stop dancing around the subject and call a spade a spade. You are having a big problem with her cheating and that's normal. Of course, her mentioning her affair partner to you is going to trigger you and cause major pain and emotional turmoil. Again, what you are feeling is normal.

 

For you to heal, you have actually own how much this affair is affecting you emotionally. She didn't just cheat, she had a long term affair and that's quite serious pain and betrayal to you. For her to ever mention her affair partner is emotionally dense at best and cruel and callous at worst. Sadly, cheaters always feel entitled, justified and are quick to find excuses and shift blame onto everyone else for why they just had to - it was her parents, it's her age, it's insert whatever here. Bottom line is there is no had to. She could have come to you and talked about her confusion, what she wants. She could have respected you and worked with you to come up with a mutually acceptable solution, but she cheated instead. That's about her character NOT her sexuality. Deep down you already know this. Your personal confusion is basically your inner self respect and common sense objecting to the white washing bs you are engaging in regarding this situation. Stop dancing around the real issue and things will become much more clear for you.

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^^DF, OP posted in subsequent posts the cheating bothered him at the time, they discussed and resolved.

 

>>Also, Im NOT worried about her cheating. I dont feel like she will.

He's moved past it and posted he is not concerned about it. His own words. He trusts her and does not believe she will cheat again.

 

He said what troubles him now is her sexuality/bisexuality. And his jealous thoughts about her having sex w this other woman way back before they were even married.

 

So I'm wondering, do you think he's in denial or something?

 

That's it not her sexuality/bisexuality/jealousy that troubles him, but the cheating?

 

Even though he said he's moved past that?

 

I'm confused.

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OP, you said you seek advice prior to commencing couples therapy.

 

My advice is, in addition to couples counseling, individual private therapy as well.

 

The things that trouble you are your issues, not hers, and therefore you need to take steps to resolve those within yourself, both on your own through self-reflection and deep introspection and w the help of a qualified therapist.

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Okay from what I am reading you don't sound like you have a problem with her sexuality. You do have a problem with infidelity and that she keeps bringing up her affair. To feel jealous of the person your wife cheated on you with is called being human. You are not a robot and no matter how many times you convince yourself you have totally forgiven her there is always a nugget of distrust and pain left behind. It is like a deep cut that heals up really nice with almost no scar at all but once in a while when conditions are right the scar is clearly visible.

 

Sit down with her and have a very calm conversation. Tell her that when she cheated on you it hurt badly and even though you have forgiven her you do not want to ever hear about anything from that time ever again because it brings back the pain you felt.

I think she is being exceptionally selfish and hurtful for even bringing this other woman up at all.

 

Set some boundaries with her and make sure she understands you want that past to stay where it belongs, in the past.

 

Lost

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I was in a terrible car accident and lost the ability to walk and work for a long while. My wife at the time left me for a man because she couldn't handle our situation.

 

And I suspect this has a lot to do with it. No doubt your accident was traumatic. Your wife leaving at time when you are most vulnerable has to have left you with some mistrust overall, even though you say you've forgiven her.

 

I think you rightfully have some trust issues with those closest to you, bi, straight or otherwise.

I also think you are possibly focusing on the wrong thing to spare the both of you the difficult truth.

 

Maybe a few sessions of couples counseling together would be beneficial for you both.

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I think you are in denial about what your issue is. Your issue amongst jealousy of her being with someone other than you, is lack of trust. Now that she has cheated on you with a woman, you may be jealous, insecure and unable to trust even when she is on a girls night out. I also think that even if you would have forgiven your first wife for infidelity, you would also be jealous of her affair with a man and you would have an issue with trusting her going forth as well.

 

As I mentioned early in your thread, couples counseling (and personal therapy) is in order here. If you can't just mind-over-matter your "issue" (whatever it may be) then you must see someone to help you process it or you are going to be in an angst ridden relationship that will eventually wear away your emotional connection to your wife.

 

Good luck.

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