Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast
Results 21 to 30 of 35

Thread: should I break off my engagement because of UK Immigration rules?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Posts
    1,294
    So what you are saying is that there are options but you don’t like them.

    It doesn’t matter what your qualifications are, thats not an excuse to be unemployed. As I said get a job at Tescos and you will meet the requirements. I did menial work for over a year past qualifying before I got a job in my field.
    And a potential future employer will rather see Tescos on your resume that a big blank gap. Why? Because it shows willingness to work suggesting you may be a hard worker.

    If your fiancés culture is an issue for you then it is. Moving him to the UK won’t remove his culture. Sure you won’t have to live with his extended family initially but there will guaranteed long extended visits from family to UK.
    Your first child? Mother will likely come stay for a year.
    It’s all part of his culture.

    He is a rebound relationship for you and you haven’t spent any significant amount of time with him outside of holiday mode when people are naturally relaxed, happy and upbeat without daily struggles of life. Until you do spend that quality time with him there should be no talk of marriage.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2016
    Posts
    9,309
    I agree that it's best to spend some significant quality time together, not spread out and sporadically over a period of time, feels too much like a vacation.

    But at least a few straight months together before you do something as serious and permanent as enter into marriage.

    Since he's from Pakistan, he can obtain a "Visit Visa" and live and work in the UK for up to six months.

    The requirements are not that strict, it's a relatively easy process, assuming he has a valid passport.

    Has he looked into this?

    Is he even interested in doing this?

    If not, why not?
    Last edited by katrina1980; 06-14-2019 at 10:19 PM.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,665
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Mazen303
    Hi everyone thanks for your replies...I'm going to try and clarify some things and try to answer questions people have raised so you can know the situation better ...

    1- My unemployment- I am not on any benefits. My dad has his own business and provides for me and my younger sister (12 years old) at the moment whilst I am unemployed. I qualified as a Solicitor last May after completing 2 years of training with a high street firm. However, I left my job last June because I was getting bullied by the owner and his wife ...I put up with it for two years because legal training contracts are extremely difficult to find and I didn't want to lose the opportunity. Now, because I left my job straight after qualifying I am unable to secure another legal job as a solicitor since they all require 2-3 years Post Qualification Experience which I don't have. I apply for other jobs too in the legal field such as paralegal roles and even apply for unrelated jobs like admin and sales roles but the recruiters always question why I am looking for such jobs when I am a qualified solicitor and reject me....
    In a tight job market, its really hard to find a job when you don't have one. What made you not look for a job while you had one? How do you get post qualification experience? Are their internships? can you talk to one of your instructors for advice? Were they bullying you or actually just being hard on you to get the best out of you. Are their interviewing skills classes to take? maybe you lost your confidence and polish..

    Originally Posted by Mazen303
    2- Living in Fiance's country- Well he is in Pakistan and has his own Oils and Car Lubricants business there and earns about £2000 per month through his business. He is quite well off there but the Home Office will not take his earnings into consideration. He has a big house and lives with his family (mother, father, sister, brother, brother's wife) as per the cultural norm there. His mother wants me to move to Pakistan after marriage because his family are not interested in sending him to the UK permanently. He wasn't much interested in coming to the UK either because he has his set up and business there in Pakistan but nonetheless he decided to come to the UK permanently for me if I don't want to move to Pakistan. Sorry if I sound rude but I really don't like fiance's mother, she is too controlling and stubborn always wants things her way so I can't go live in Pakistan as I would have to share a house with her. Also, Pakistan is not as developed as the UK and I don't want my future children to be deprived of things such as good education or healthcare by living in Pakistan when they have the option to be born and brought up in the UK. Fiance agrees with our future kids' wellbeing so that's why we decided it's best if he comes here and we have a family life in the UK.
    what about culture? is he very westernized? What are his expectations of what marriage looks like? My friend was in international business and a pakistani man proposed to her...to be his FIFTH wife! It is very critical that you are not starry eyed and have your eyes open about what marriage looks like to him.

    Originally Posted by Mazen303
    3- Rushing into marriage- I have full faith he isn't using me to find a way to settle in the UK. He is my best friend's cousin. She introduced us and I know she wouldn't introduce me to him if he was not genuine. I've known my best friend since secondary school and I trust her. I feel my fiance genuinely loves and cares for me ... when I met him last year I was going through a traumatic break up with my ex of 5 years who left me for another girl and married her 4 months after breaking up with me. I was hurt and broken and my fiance came into my life like a ray of hope...he helped to heal me...showed me that I could be loved and that I was not some piece of that would be dumped whenever which is what I felt like after my ex left me. He is definitely a better man than my ex. I've been on about 3 holidays with my fiance since meeting him last year so it's not like I haven't spent any time with him and am rushing into something after one meeting.

    Guys, he is a good man....it's just that me not being able to find a job for us to be together is really frustrating and at times I feel like maybe if it's so difficult to be together we should just break up...but at the same time I don't want to break his heart and do to him what my ex did to me....
    I have cool cousins and guy friends but obviously i have never dated them (yuck) but the way someone is to friends and family and the way someone is to a girlfriend or wife is similar, but definitely not the same. Honestly, if this guy is MR. Right, the relationship will survive through a few more cycles of visiting -- he comes on a visitors VISA to see you again, and you visit him. If its right, nothing will change if you wait -- it won't ruin things to wait. But if its not, you will learn that it isn't before you marry and not make a mistake.

    Also, it troubles me that he "healed you" -- it means you monkeybranched from one guy to another and don't know how to be single an you are rebounding with him and overlooking things possibly - or he has white knight syndrome. So please - for both your sakes...wait. See someone to help you with your interviewing skills. take a lower position or internship just to get back in your field etc. If it takes you 6 months to land a job and he walks during that time -- the relationship was't the right thing.

    but at the same time I don't want to break his heart and do to him what my ex did to me....

    Honestly, that reeks of codependency - to feel responsible for the feelings of others over what's best for you. if you break up because you can't bridge the gap it is NOTHING like what your ex did - and quite frankly, you aren't doing anything TO him - its just the circumstances of wanting to marry someone you met while they were on vacation. you are NOT ready to marry anyone. you need to heal from your situation with your ex. you need to not be supported by daddy. Take an internship, go to networking events in your profession, volunteer for causes that might put you side by side with people in the industry and while you are doing that wait tables or do some flexible job. not for intent of marrying him, but getting your life back together.

  4. #24

    Join Date
    Jun 2019
    Posts
    3
    Thanks again for replies and taking time out to read my long paragraphs...really appreciate it.

    No he is not a rebound but I can understand why people are thinking that way. When I said I met him whilst I was going through a break up I didn’t mean I met him the very next day and grabbed him because he was the first one to come along. Healing from break ups takes some time and there is no set time for anyone. I met my fiancé around 8/9 months after my break up and in between that time I had a few guys interested in me who I rejected because I was trying to find myself, to heal and be happy on my own. When I said my fiancé helped to heal me it meant that he helped me to see that not all men are jerks and decent men do exist, it made me hopeful for the future. I’m not co-dependent on him...it’s a long distance relationship anyway so it’s not like I’m constantly stuck to him like a leech to make myself happy. I have the right to move on in life so I did when he came along.

    Yes I am going to start networking and go for workshops to improve my interview skills. And FYI I have applied for basic jobs at Tesco etc. but what I probably did wrong was leaving my legal qualifications on my CV which is the main reason for my rejection as per the feedback I get after the interviews - it goes something along the lines of “we found you to be overqualified for this role...we have found someone more suited for this role but don’t worry we’ve kept your details on our system for any future opportunities” ...

    This makes me think maybe I would be better off getting rid of my legal qualifications and be dishonest as honesty isn’t getting me anywhere?!

    Anyway, most people on here have said I need to spend more time with my fiancé so I’ve decided to go stay in Pakistan for a couple of months. I will get to know him more that way plus it’s easier to get a legal job in pakistan so at least I’ll be earning and can gain some legal exposure. I spoke to a solicitor yesterday and he told me about a different immigration route by which if I stay in pakistan for a couple of months I can get entry clearance for my fiancé and come back to the UK with him. Sounds good.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    20,201
    Deleted...

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    33,225
    Gender
    Male
    This is a great idea. Get some first hand boots-on-the-ground experience and knowledge about Pakistan and how your bf lives, his family, his culture, his lifestyle, etc. Are you a different religion? Is that an issue for him/his family?
    Originally Posted by Mazen303
    I’ve decided to go stay in Pakistan for a couple of months. I will get to know him more that way plus it’s easier to get a legal job in pakistan

  8. #27
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,665
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Mazen303
    Thanks again for replies and taking time out to read my long paragraphs...really appreciate it.

    No he is not a rebound but I can understand why people are thinking that way. When I said I met him whilst I was going through a break up I didn’t mean I met him the very next day and grabbed him because he was the first one to come along. Healing from break ups takes some time and there is no set time for anyone. I met my fiancé around 8/9 months after my break up and in between that time I had a few guys interested in me who I rejected because I was trying to find myself, to heal and be happy on my own. When I said my fiancé helped to heal me it meant that he helped me to see that not all men are jerks and decent men do exist, it made me hopeful for the future. I’m not co-dependent on him...it’s a long distance relationship anyway so it’s not like I’m constantly stuck to him like a leech to make myself happy. I have the right to move on in life so I did when he came along.

    Yes I am going to start networking and go for workshops to improve my interview skills. And FYI I have applied for basic jobs at Tesco etc. but what I probably did wrong was leaving my legal qualifications on my CV which is the main reason for my rejection as per the feedback I get after the interviews - it goes something along the lines of “we found you to be overqualified for this role...we have found someone more suited for this role but don’t worry we’ve kept your details on our system for any future opportunities” ...

    This makes me think maybe I would be better off getting rid of my legal qualifications and be dishonest as honesty isn’t getting me anywhere?!

    Anyway, most people on here have said I need to spend more time with my fiancé so I’ve decided to go stay in Pakistan for a couple of months. I will get to know him more that way plus it’s easier to get a legal job in pakistan so at least I’ll be earning and can gain some legal exposure. I spoke to a solicitor yesterday and he told me about a different immigration route by which if I stay in pakistan for a couple of months I can get entry clearance for my fiancé and come back to the UK with him. Sounds good.
    DO NOT I repeat DO NOT go to Pakistan for a few months unless you have money saved up to be able to support yourself for a few months. You are walking into the unknown. And you don't want to be stranded. If things don't go like you want, you will need to be able to afford a quick ticket home. There is no guarantee of work - especially if you are not accustomed to the languages and culture.

    Distance does not matter when it comes to codependency. A codependent person is codependent whether they have a boyfriend or not. The fact that you sort of see the logic of things, but yet you are pushing through it because you are concerned about his feelings more than you are concerned about yours and your safety. I mean, this is pretty hare-brained wanting to spend the rest of your life with a man of a different culture who doesn't even live in your country.

    Yes, you are on the rebound, you did not fully heal from your last relationship and in fact, you were IN another relationship going through a break up and you were in a vulnerable place when you met him. If you were not in that vulnerable place, you may have not considered him because of the distance or you may have dated him but would not be eager to marry so fast. You would be skeptical - you would wait for him to come to the UK a few times to see if he was for real and you would be working on your career for YOU, not for him.

    If you go to Pakistan and have no job in the UK and didn't work in Pakistan in anything gainful, you will not be able to bring him back. If you lived in Pakistan for a few years and worked for a company there and met and fell in love over the course of time, it would look more like a legit marriage. Even if "legit" people who didn't spend much time together raises a red flag for immigration

    If he moves to the UK< does he have work? And he would really sell his business or leave it to go to the UK? What happens to it? Would he go back and forth

    Does he want kids? have you even CONSIDERED culture differences? Do you know where he stands on what he expects out of marriage?

  9. #28
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    21,944
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Mazen303
    I have no job...I’ve been applying since January without any luck and it’s June now ...
    Jumping into a marriage wouldn't help you to escape your need to build your own career and grow into autonomy. As you've noticed, it's only adding false stress to meet some self-imposed deadline.

    That's unnecessary. You don't need to 'break' the engagement when you can simply postpone it. This will liberate you to place your focus on building a better foundation for your future.

    I'd start by applying for work with temp agencies: one per morning, at least 3 per week, starting with a radius of those closest to you and working your way outward. This can't be accomplished by emailing or posting e-resumes into a black hole. Agencies only place people who's joined their 'active' rosters, and the only way to get onto that list is to make appointments and show up for testing and interviews.

    Hiring temps is how most companies today 'try before they buy'. The screening process works both ways, because you gain experience in different work cultures to learn which may suit you best. From inside you can apply for better, more permanent jobs that are rarely published to the public. These are jobs open to current workers 'from within,' so whatever role you accept as a temp doesn't matter--it gives you access to opportunities through the relationships you'll build.

    Marriage doesn't protect us from any voids that exist in our own lives, it tends to amplify those. Planning a wedding maybe a temporary distraction from such a void, but getting 'weddinged' doesn't build a future--building a future builds a future.

    Head high, and redirect your focus back to where it needs to be. You'll thank yourself later.

  10. #29
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    281
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    DO NOT I repeat DO NOT go to Pakistan for a few months unless you have money saved up to be able to support yourself for a few months. You are walking into the unknown. And you don't want to be stranded. If things don't go like you want, you will need to be able to afford a quick ticket home. There is no guarantee of work - especially if you are not accustomed to the languages and culture.
    Totally agree with this! If you were moving to say, Canada or New Zealand, I'd say go for it. But Pakistan is extremely different than England. Whilst I have never been to Pakistan nor am I familiar with the people and nation, this is what I have heard from acquaintances and people I've met who are from somewhere over there or were there at some point: living in middle eastern nations is quite challenging for a westerner and exceedingly challenging for an unmarried woman. Yes, every middle eastern nation is different, some places are more easygoing than others.

    Have you travelled to Pakistan before? You mentioned you disliked his mother, so I am wondering if you have met her there. Anyhow, being a short term tourist is one thing, but living and working there for a few months is quite another. Out of curiosity I typed "What is it like for a woman to live in Pakistan?" on a search engine and the answers I found from Pakistani females where enlightening / quite eye opening.

    This may not be what you would like to hear.
    Last edited by greendots; 06-16-2019 at 05:46 PM.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Posts
    23,665
    Gender
    Female
    Would your friend who is his cousin go or a visit with you?

Page 3 of 4 FirstFirst 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •