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Thread: Guilt whenever I flirt

  1. #1
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    Guilt whenever I flirt

    It's been 6 months since my breakup and every time someone flirts with me or if I flirt with them, I feel unbelievable guilt. Like I'm wronging my ex.

    My ex on the other hand, has no trouble flirting and trying to get it on with an ex friend 2 days after our breakup. Whenever I involuntarily imagine them together, there is still a sharp pain in my chest.

    Perhaps I'm not over him just yet. What is wrong with me?

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Sounds like you're definitely not over him yet.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by WAlien
    Whenever I involuntarily imagine them together, there is still a sharp pain in my chest.
    I've felt like that before. I'd see or hear something that reminded me of the person and ouch!

    It's normal.

    But try not to torture yourself by imagining them together. Do you deserve to be punished like that?

    Originally Posted by WAlien
    It's been 6 months since my breakup and every time someone flirts with me or if I flirt with them, I feel unbelievable guilt. Like I'm wronging my ex.
    I can't really relate to this, but I know it happens. I really don't think anything is wrong with you. It takes time for you to heal. But it will happen.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    Yeh you're just still feelin' it....That's ok. I'm 18 months out and still not 100*

    More time is needed. How much time? There's no rules and everybody heals at their own pace...

    Just keep doing what you're doing, take good care of you and your health and eventually you'll start to level up...*

    As for your ex, yes when we get replaced so easily it drives that knife even deeper into the heart, but hmm, time will tell on that one...

    You just do You ok*

    Carus*

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Make sure your ex and all his people as well as this friend are deleted and blocked from all your social media and messaging apps. If you're not ready to date, then focus on other ways to rebuild your single life and enjoy your freedom.
    Originally Posted by WAlien
    My ex on the other hand, has no trouble flirting and trying to get it on with an ex friend 2 days after our breakup.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    While nobody can tell you how long it 'should' take to heal from a breakup, that's not something that happens 'to' us or 'for' us. Emotional healing requires our participation, and we're each in control of our own focus. Some people redirect their focus onto building stronger bonds with the people and interests they may have neglected during their relationship, while others sink their focus into a preoccupation with their ex as they stagnate in pain and keep drilling themselves into a deeper hole to climb out of.

    Given the choice to heal or stagnate, it's important to recognize that emotions follow behaviors, not the other way around. If we wait until we 'feel like' investing our time in creating good memories for the people around us while we're not capable of enjoying much ourselves, we'll stunt our healing process and just continue to feel lousy.

    Premature dating is not a great way to feel better. As you've noticed, it only highlights the gap between what you want versus where you are today. I'd skip that. I'd make it my private goal to take baby steps in the right direction. Over time I'll surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back from this to create a fabulous future for myself.

    I don't need to know 'how,' I just need to show up for the process.

    I'd start by filling my calendar with small commitments to family, friends, neighbors and community that I will not break. I'd make my time spent with others about them-not-me. I'd help people with gardening or projects or errands or treat them to a meal or an event or a walk in the park. I've found that these simple acts help to move me out of my own way. It grounds me and 'normalizes' my focus beyond the ex.

    Since I'm not 'up' for playing the entertainer, my ego is pushed aside while I listen to others and encourage them to talk about themselves. This rekindles and strengthens bonds during my most vulnerable times, which has been an unexpected gift to myself. My relationships now have a new depth to them that can only be learned through experience rather than imagined.

    You can opt to view this time of healing as your own private climb to higher ground, where you'll gain new a perspective and you'll grow in ways that you could not have fathomed before making the effort. This doesn't preclude you from indulging in occasional boo-hoo's with a tissue box, but your focus will move you forward to your next commitment, and the connections you build during this time will serve you for the rest of your life. You will thank yourself.

    It's a decision. Choose wisely.

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    Thank you for all your kind words, I appreciate it so much.

    I've done everything that the breakup guides have recommended. Picked up new hobbies, stepped outside my comfort zone, made new friends but it doesn't feel like much has changed for me emotionally and I'm starting to get a bit frustrated and wondering if I'll ever feel better or be ready to date anyone again. :(

  9. #8
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    How does one “involuntarily” imagine???

    That’s a dream or nightmare right?

    I’m sorry but if it’s not during sleep you are voluntarily imagining.
    And letting your imagination flow.
    You can stop these thoughts voluntarily, why are you choosing not to?

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by WAlien
    Thank you for all your kind words, I appreciate it so much.

    I've done everything that the breakup guides have recommended. Picked up new hobbies, stepped outside my comfort zone, made new friends but it doesn't feel like much has changed for me emotionally and I'm starting to get a bit frustrated and wondering if I'll ever feel better or be ready to date anyone again. :(
    You haven’t done everything that breakup “guides” recommend.
    You continue to see your ex regularly because of a cat.
    Whatever happened about the cats vet bill?

    You won’t grieve the loss of your relationship until you physically remove yourself from it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Billie28
    You haven’t done everything that breakup “guides” recommend.
    You continue to see your ex regularly because of a cat.
    Whatever happened about the cats vet bill?

    You won’t grieve the loss of your relationship until you physically remove yourself from it.
    Oh, geez. As an animal lover myself, I can appreciate that hardship in letting go, but OP, that's just self torture.

    Either trust that the cat is in good hands and move on and get your own cat, OR, if the cat is being neglected, contact your local ASPCA or animal shelter and submit a complaint, OR, offer to take the cat--and keep it in a foster home, if necessary, until you can house the cat yourself.

    Sidelining your own future to stay tied to ex's home through an animal makes no sense, and it positions you as the saboteur of your own healing.

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